One father’s sneaky blueprint for influencing his son without the young man even noticing.
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When I released my book 25 Stories I would tell my Younger Self mid-November in 2015, people soon inquired why my early stories were either about my mother or about sports. I shared all the great and valuable lessons learned from my mom so many people wondered whether I spent any time with my dad during this time, since the father is usually be the most important male role model for a young teenager.
Many of my friends in school were playing quite violent games, and since they were talking about it during the school breaks, I wanted to be part of it too.
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My parents’ roles at that time were that my dad was working as a self-employed architect, so my mom, who had been working as a teacher before I was born, could spend more time with my sister and myself. Naturally, both my sister and I got to do sports, homework and hobbies with her, rather than my dad, who was working to “feed the family”.
This changed after I graduated from High School a few years later, when I got to spend especially a lot of time with him as I started to become a professional kitesurfer.
There was one very important experience however when I was in Primary School where he had a huge and very important influence on me.
When I was eight or nine years old, I was tempted to start playing more and more computer games. Many of my friends in school were playing quite violent games, and since they were talking about it during the school breaks, I wanted to be part of it too. One of my friends called Alex, even got a small soft gun from his father, which he used to simulate the games in real life by hunting birds in his back yard or shooting cans in a set-up park.
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My parents had always raised me in a very non-violent way. They did not want me to be involved in any computer games that used violence, bad language, or weapons. Especially they did not want me to use weapons myself, and so you might imagine their horror when I came home from Alex’s place one day to ask whether I could have a small soft gun myself.
[My parents] had always believed that children who experience violence at a young age would more likely turn out to be involved in crimes later on.
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I had spent the entire afternoon at his place and had lots of fun shooting with his gun. It was not very powerful and the aim was very bad, so we did not hit any birds — yet it was still great, and we set up a scene with cans and Legos to simulate an ego shooter-like environment.
My parents were shocked when they heard me share my experience with joy. They had always believed that children who experience violence at a young age would more likely turn out to be involved in crimes later on. There are actually quite a few studies on this subject, but my parents just did this out of a gut feeling. Initially, my dad wanted to have an outburst and thought about locking me in my room – I felt his anger building up. But then he replied, “Sure son, let’s go to the store tomorrow and have a look.” I was completely perplexed; I had expected an entirely different answer, but was happy I could be part of the group of friends in school being into “those things.”
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The next day my dad did keep his promise, and we got into the car and started driving to the place where one could buy such toy guns. It was a bit outside of town and it would be a 20-minute ride. To my surprise my dad took a different route than I had expected, but I did not want to interrupt him driving me to where I wanted to go, so I stayed shut. Halfway he paused and said, “Son, I do have to pick up a remote control airplane at a store here. It just takes a couple of minutes.” I was not all too fancy about having to wait, but I did not want to run the risk of complaining and him not taking me to the gun shop after all.
We stopped at a RC airplane area. I had never been there before. Dozens of people of all ages were flying their planes. Some were powered by electricity, others with fuel. Some were really colorful, others were black fighter jets. At first I did not want to get out of the car, but since my dad took what seemed like forever inside the shop, I stepped out to take a closer look. A boy, who was probably either my age or even a bit younger than me, was just getting ready to launch his plane. He had it flying straight, all around in a circle, coming back and landing it right in front of him again. “Wow, this looks like fun!” I had always been fascinated with flying (which was part of the reason Kitesurfing got me hooked later on) and I could not keep my eyes off of what was going on.
“So, do you want your own plane or do you still want one of those silly guns.” Well, no question what my answer was.
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My dad came out of the RC plane shop with a little yellow plane made out of Styrofoam. “Son, I want to test fly it right now, is that OK?” “Sure dad, let’s try it!” I was excited. And by excited I mean, I was thrilled. My dad launched the plane and he flew a perfect round. Wow, I was so proud of him. Yes, that was my dad — he knew how to fly those things on the first attempt. He landed it right in front of his feet. Perfect touch down. “Son, do you want to try it?” He asked with a smile.
Heck yes, I wanted to. It looked like so much fun. I launched the plane, it took off and … I messed up the controls of left and right and flew the plane straight into a bush. My dad laughed. The other kid smiled over and yelled, “Haha, that happened to me too the first time!”
OK, now I wanted to try again. Nothing had happened to the plane, as it was made of Styrofoam, was quite robust and extremely light. I launched it again, and managed to fly an entire circle. Now it was time to land. It did land, but I would not have wanted to be a passenger inside. The plane flipped over on touch down. “OK, I have to get the landing right now,” I thought. My competitiveness was shining through.
On the fourth attempt I nailed it. I was now standing next to the other child. His name was Thomas and we were starting to “click” as friends straight away. My dad started chatting with his dad, while the two of us were flying our planes. We “chased” each other in the air or tried to combine flying figures. A few other kids joined us and a few hours into the day it was several kids of us flying planes, recharging batteries and having tons of fun.
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We ended up staying the entire day. I had enjoyed that so much, because up until then my dad hardly took an entire day off just for me. Before we left Thomas asked me when I would come again? “Tomorrow” I said. My dad just smiled. He looked at me and asked, “So, do you want your own plane or do you still want one of those silly guns.” Well, no question what my answer was. 20 minutes later I hopped back into the car with my own brand new light blue plane. It was a bit larger than my dad’s and even more powerful. It would allow me to do more tricks than the planes the other kids had.
I came back often to fly my plane with the other kids. They even visited me at home where we flew the planes outside our house in the fields. It was hilarious and had me forgetting guns and violent computer games as though they did not exist. My dad on the other hand, did not fly his plane one more time. It is still in our house, ready to be taken for a ride. It almost seems like he just bought the easiest plane possible in hopes of getting me hooked… Nah, I am sure he really was into flying planes. That one day.
Thinking back on that experience with my dad brings a big smile on my face. He played me so well and knew exactly how to attract my attention away from what he and my mom disagreed with. While reading this story, you might have no problem with your kids playing computer games or you might not worry about your kids using guns. That is not the lesson I’m trying to convey. The three lessons I am taking away for myself are applicable to everyday life, but especially with children they are more important than anything else:
Children learn by copying others – primarily their parents.
Since you are a child’s first role model, it does not work to tell your child to do X or to not do Y. You have to be a living example of what to do and what not to do. My dad could have just freaked out, started yelling, and locked me into my room when I told him I wanted a gun. But what he did instead was that he walked the walk and showed me what the best hobby for me to take up was, in his opinion. He did not tell me, he showed me.
He took the time off from work (which he normally never would), drove me to the RC plane shop, and flew the plane in front of me. He lead, I followed. Then I copied him and that was how I learned. He spent the entire day with me, and made sure I knew I had his sole attention. Copying other people’s behavior is the most natural for any child, and it is how a child learns anything — from speaking and walking to any other good or bad behavior. So, if you want your child to do something or not to do something else, be the living example of it. Make your child feel special – it will be worth it.
Just like in replacing a bad habit (such as smoking or snacking) it will not work to just NOT do something.
My dad could have just taken me out for a snack or ice cream, in hopes I would forget about my wish to buy a gun. The next day, he could have just told me not to play computer. But eventually, it is the same as if you want to stop smoking and just try to stop. It will most likely not work. The best way to get rid of a bad habit is by replacing it with something else that might not be as much fun, but is still great. For example replace snacking on chocolate with either eating very dark chocolate or even better, by eating an apple or drinking water. Of course this is still not a guarantee of working, but it increases its chances. My dad knew I loved planes, and so he replaced my wish for a gun with the wish for flying a plane. It was no foolproof plan, but it increased the odds.
It’s all about who they’re spending time with.
My friends in school were into violent computers games and guns. Naturally, I was drawn to liking the same. There is a concept of anyone being “the average of the five people they spend the most time with,” and this applies to grown ups and children alike. Probably even more to children, simply as they follow other people’s behavior in search for their own character.
So the best thing my dad could have done was to get me linked up with Thomas and his friends, who were all into flying airplanes – and not into violence or guns. Again, it is no fool-proof plan to make sure your kid does not get into trouble by having him hanging out with non-trouble makers, but it increases the odds. And that is what it is all about.
I do not have any kids of my own yet, but looking back I have learned a lot of great lessons on how I will raise them in the future as a father. This story with my dad sticks out especially and I am glad he did get me into flying remote control planes. It was not only a lot of fun and kept me out of trouble, but it helped me understand aerodynamics quite early in life. When I became a professional kitesurfer a few years later, the power of wind and air was more natural to me than to some others because of that.
Have lots of fun, great memories and may stories like this one inspire you to take the decisions in life you always wanted to take, but many times did not dare to do so.
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Photo: Flickr/James Loesch
So instead of taking the opportunity to teach you a valuable skill, like gun safety. Your father bought a toy airplane and went and taught you that passively denying others wants and needs is fine as long as you morally object to those wants and needs.
Sounds like your father was not a good role model, and did not do well with handeling requests that were outside of his moral compass.
I agree with you. The blind fear and banishment of “violent video games” is just as bad as overly permissive, irresponsible parents that just let their kids do whatever they want. Teaching gun safety would have been an invaluable lesson, instilling a good education and a respectful mind set with respect to lethal firepower. It would also have been a good opportunity to teach the author how to be responsible with computers, modern technology, and video games, since the online communities are diverse and essentially expose people to others around the globe in one place. It could have been good… Read more »