In a society slow to develop support for fathers. Jeff Jackson shares valuable tools to overcome the stresses of “Daddyhood”
—
My son asked me the other day, “Why do you work so much, daddy?” I know my actions are closely monitored by my twin boys. I know they will mimic me in what they say, do and think. I know that I imitate my dear departed dad in some ways.What I didn’t expect is that they would ask me at seven years of age. I mean, when I was 7, I was running, playing, riding my bike and kissing. Yes, I had my first kiss at 7.
But, I digress.
I have a big plate that is quite full. I’m poor, busy, tired and stressed (not necessarily in that order). I work full time, take care of twin boys (which I share with mommy) while caring for the house, yard, and cars. For the record, Mommy has a lot on her plate, too, especially since her job is becoming increasingly demanding.
There’s not a big support group for guys and daddies except the Internet.
|
I am also not alone. I don’t have a lot of close friends except the guys I work around. We have become pretty close, well, at least some of us have. But, you know what? There’s not a big support group for guys and daddies except the Internet. Ironic, isn’t it? Times have changed. With the demand for all the resources in our lives – time, money, – we Dads have to stick together. Mommy bloggers number over four million. Daddy bloggers less than one/tenth of that. Mommies are mentioned over twice as many times as daddy on Twitter, but the daddy number is growing.
◊♦◊
I have a blog, am on Twitter and Facebook. I belong to a couple of dozen groups on FB, most of which deal with parenting and daddying. Frequently a guy will comment that he is going through a tough time and 9 of the ten comments he receives are from men who say the exact same thing!
Life is hard. Maybe not so profound, but it becomes reassuring when I hear the stories of other daddies. I remember reading a book by Scott Behson, The Working Dad’s Survival Guide – How to Succeed at Work and Home. Great book! Very early on, Scott makes a comment that (paraphrasing) men are going through similar struggles at this time in contemporary life. I almost cried when I read it and thought, other guys are going through the same thing I am?! To know that I am not alone in my struggles is a substantial relief from the pressures of daddying.
Contrary to popular belief, from my experience, when men talk to each other, it is not all about sports, cars or women.
|
However, as I mentioned earlier, there is not a big support group for daddies. Excuse me for generalizing, but men have not and are not accustomed to sharing troubles, or anything. Contrary to popular belief, from my experience, when men talk to each other, it is not all about sports, cars or women. Those subjects may come up in a discussion, but the majority of the time when men do talk, either in person or on the faceless internet, they/we talk about relationships, kids, work and life.
Nevertheless, men are not supported by society, culture or especially, the media. I wish I had a nickel for every time a guy reported (usually) a woman making a sarcastic comment when she sees him with his kid(s) alone. The comment usually goes something like this, “Is daddy babysitting today?”
No, I’m not sexist because the comments often come from women. If a guy said it to another guy, he would be saying it in jest. Don’t believe me? Ask any guy if anything I say is true or not.
◊♦◊
My purpose is not to point fingers at inconsiderate people, who can be of the feminine persuasion, but to highlight the societal and historical view of daddies. So, who does Daddy turn to when he feels overwhelmed and how does he ultimately survive the struggles of daddyhood?
I will defer back to my Strategic Management course in graduate business school. My wonderful professor taught us about Objectives, Strategies and Policies (OSP) to help a company reach its goals and survive and thrive in the marketplace. A company would have both long and short term OSP. Objectives are the broadest of the three with Strategies designed to achieve objectives and Policies are the day-to-day actions to attain the Strategies. OSP are also applicable on a personal level.
I have formulated a list of three P’s of Strategies to help Daddies survive in the short term. In the long run, I believe everyone wants to thrive, though I don’t know I’ve ever heard anyone say that they are thriving.
The Objective is to Survive. This may look like raising children successfully, maintaining a healthy and loving relationship with a significant other, paying bills on time and meeting other household/family duties.
◊♦◊
The Strategies to achieve those Objectives are (in appropriate order):
Positivity, Purpose, and Priority.
In survival, the one characteristic which separates the survivors from non-survivors is mindset first and foremost. A negative mindset is a dead-end street. It leads nowhere and can be a difficult turnaround. Positivity is not easy in a survival situation, though. You will be able to overcome obstacles more quickly with a positive mindset.
By Purpose, I am referring to aligning yourself with your life mission. Your Purpose could be your job or career. Your Purpose is something greater than yourself that you feel called to do and is unique to you. By aligning and following your Purpose, you disregard those actions or stimuli that do not help you reach your goal. Aligning to Purpose brings its peace as you focus on your higher mission.
By Prioritizing, we can take the guesswork out of “what needs to be done next.”.
|
“If you want to find your true purpose in life, know this for certain: Your purpose will only be found in service to others, and in being connected to something far greater than your body/mind/ego.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer
We all have a lot on our plates. Prioritizing the most necessary and/or the most timely will take away the feeling of being overwhelmed or “not having enough time” to get things done. By Prioritizing, we can take the guesswork out of “what needs to be done next.”
We are all survivors. I am a survivor. I have survived near-death experiences at least twice in my life and have had the Last Rites said over me twice. Of the top 5 stressors in life, I have survived four of them: divorce, loss of parents, changing jobs/careers and moving. I am surviving Daddyhood now with 7-year-old twin boys, a busy spouse, two aged cars and a job which is somewhat less than spiritually and financially fulfilling. Yet, I remain Positive, aligned to my Purpose, and I Prioritize all of my tasks.
The Policies I use to reach my Strategies are: Have fun, Keep my perspective and Reach out/Communicate. Being a guy, reaching out doesn’t always come easily to me. With the help of the GoodMen Project, my FB groups and Twitter friends, the guys I work with and my supportive wife, I can somehow keep my sanity and survive my greatest adventure so far – raising my boys. I would feel even better if they listened to me more often.
Photo:Flickr/jakarachuonyo