There was a time when Kirk Pynchon felt comfortable flirting with young women. Now, as a dad, he doesn’t want to seem like a creep.
By Kirk Pynchon
There was a time in the, okay I’ll admit, pretty distant past when I could talk, converse, and, dare I say, flirt with a waitress. But like my insistence on wearing Obsession for Men cologne 24/7 all through my twenties, those days are far behind me.
As a parent now in his forties, I can no longer be friendly to waitresses; I cannot ask them any questions about anything … ever.
Any sort of conversation with a young waitress, no matter how banal, makes me out to be a “creepy, old dad.” And nobody likes creepy, old dads.
It’s not even a flirting thing these days, I just want to be friendly. At the very least, I want to have a conversation on what dishes are best, what she recommends, what’s the freshest. But every time I start engaging in a conversation with a young waitress there’s a voice in the back of my head saying, “Dude, she thinks you’re a lecherous old perv. Wrap it up.”
Now, I’m sure (at least I hope, Lord how hard I hope) that this is not the case. I don’t think I’m acting like a lech. I DON’T THINK. But the point is, I can’t be sure, and that lack of being sure is causing me an anxiety that is preventing me from enjoying my rare tuna sandwich on crusty ciabatta with a side of fennel salad.
It wasn’t always this way. I used to be able to talk to waitresses. I could converse, banter, and yes, sometimes even flirt. I could be socially engaging. I was good at it. I enjoyed it. Well, no more. That time has drifted away like the popularity of Al B. Sure! (Goddammit, it is a crime that that man didn’t have a bigger career).
I can’t even ask what the specials are now without getting nervous. And I friggin’ love ordering the specials. Well, that joy is gone. From now on, it’s me keeping my head buried in the menu, avoiding eye contact, and ordering in a completely emotionless, monotone voice whatever is the first menu item I see. If I enjoy my selection, then that’s just a bonus to the fact that I didn’t offend the young lady waiting on me.
I have become so self-aware of this it’s insane. It’s like any question I may have is tinged with old man creepiness. Asking for another napkin feels like I’m trying to get her digits. A simple request of hot sauce, in my mind, comes across like I’m trying to get into her pants. And when a young waitress comes by and says, “Can I get you anything else?” all I can do is look away and shake my head no.
Even when I’m out to dinner with my family, I still feel this way. The buffer of two kids and a wife does nothing to lessen my fear of being perceived as “that old guy who thinks he has game.” In fact, it makes it worse. Talking to a young waitress in front of my family feels like a public expression of an early mid-life crisis, only lamer because I can’t afford a sports car. I’m actually considering having my wife order for me. Better to be perceived as helpless than lecherous.
It’s really a lose-lose situation. Be friendly and come across as depraved or be silent and come across as an anti-social kook. Either way, I’m screwed. At this point I have only one course of action to avoid dealing with young waitresses …
Go and eat at IHOP.
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Originally appeared at Babble
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Why you should talk about sex with your kids every. single. day.
It shouldn’t be this hard to raise a good person
The world has changed, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still raise good kids
How to make it awkward when hugging a pregnant woman
Photo: FlickrCC/Cambodia4kids.org Beth Kanter
There are simple rules here. If you have to ask the question of ‘am I being a lech’ then chances are… you are. A few things are now necessary to avoid going forward : – Do not make eye contact, look directly at, or maintain a field of vision that includes anyone under your present age. Even those of your current age are iffy. Best to stick to those who are older and may perceive your gaze as a compliment. – Avoid any activities that are physical in nature. This includes going to the gym, running, walking on the street,… Read more »