Jim Higley believes his role as a parent means asking uncomfortable questions in order to help keep his children safe.
Last week, the Good Men Project asked me to weigh in on a topic they were contributing to which explored parents comfort with talking to other parents regarding guns in homes.
“In all your years as a parent, Jim,” they asked me, “have you ever talked to the parents of your children’s friends about guns in homes and safety issues?”
Candidly, I thought this was kind of a black and white topic. How can they make a story out of this? They might as well have asked me if kids should be allowed to eat. Or sleep.
But as I spent a day or so researching this topic, I discovered that it’s not black and white for many parents. It’s downright heebie jeebie way outside a lot of parents’ comfort zone.
And I find that downright interesting.
I find it interesting that some parents feel it’s too personal or judgmental to approach this topic with other parents. But it’s helped me realize that, for me, this is a pretty black and white topic. My role in protecting my children to the best of my abilities is black and white. It means I will regularly be put in awkward and uncomfortable situations. It doesn’t mean I have to be rude or inconsiderate. But I do have to be a parent.
When my oldest was a little guy, his best buddy lived next door. And his best buddy’s daddy (a good friend of mine) was an avid hunter. I am not. Perhaps that relationship helped grease my own comfort zone in talking about guns with other parents. My neighbor—back when our boys were still toddlers—openly talked to me about how his guns were locked in a cabinet with a combination lock. He also explained the importance of keeping ammo in a separate location (I never knew but it certainly makes sense!).
One-third of the homes in our country have guns. Perhaps in your neighborhood it’s less than that. Perhaps it’s more. But, if this is a topic you haven’t thought much about, you will be surprised to find out who does have guns. I encourage you to have conversations with the parents of your young children’s friends about this. And if you’re still a little intimidated, consider this:
- Start the conversation in a group of parents. It might be less awkward.
- When your child has made a friend and you are getting to know that child’s parents, proactively mention safety in your home (and whether or not you have guns). It will get the conversation going.
- Finally don’t be afraid to be forthright and say, “I’m so glad our children are playing together! My son/daughter and I have been talking a lot about safety in other people’s home and I wanted to ask you about your house. Do you have dogs? Do you have guns?” You get the idea.
Some have said to me, “But I don’t want to offend someone!” To you, I offer you the following story about kids and peanut allergies.
If your child has a peanut allergy, I’m guessing you are very comfortable telling the parents of your child’s friends about this safety concern. In fact, I know you tell them because you would never put your child in a situation where he or she was exposed to peanuts and cause serious health problems, right? I’m also sure when you tell parents about your little one’s peanut allergy, they respond with concern and compassion and ask questions, right?
And all of that makes you feel good. You gain comfort knowing that the other parent is responsible and shares your concern for your child (just as you feel responsible for their child’s safety).
So what if, when telling a parent about your kid’s peanut allergy, they brush it off. They say that “peanut allergies are blown way out of proportion” and that you shouldn’t worry so much. I’m betting your radar would go up. And you probably would develop an opinion about how safe your child might be in that home.
And it likely guides your thought process the next time your son or daughter gets invited over to that house to play.
Get the conversation going with other parents about guns in home, won’t you. 99% of those parents will welcome a thoughtful conversation; most gun owners understand safety concerns and will respect your asking. Be considerate. This is not the discussion to get on a soapbox and preach all of your thoughts about our country’s gun laws. This is a discussion about how we, as parents, work together to keep kids safe in our respective homes.
And if you run into anyone who is offended and thinks differently about gun safety in the home, remember my story about peanut allergies.
Originally appeared at Bobblehead Dad
Also read: Trying to Keep Kids Safe in a Gun-Obsessed World
Photo: Flickr/mrbill
Lars – Exactly where do you live, where there are no guns at all?
Dan – reading comprehension, it’s important. I didn’t say there’s no guns *at all* where I live. I said that being concerned if homes my kids are visiting have guns and what could happen if those guns are left where the kids can get at them is not an issue. I live in Denmark. Sure, ppl have guns here. But I have never, ever in my 40+ years seen a gun lying about in a private home. Or stored where kids – or adults – could see it. Or seen ppl handling guns in their home, unless a hunt was… Read more »
Lars, You assume that because you haven’t seen one unsecured that it isn’t possible. It is. Your assertion almost reeks of an ethno-centrism or Danish superiority. In your defense, I believe certain cultural groups DO have less trouble with gun accidents. In the case of Denmark I suspect that a large majority of those guns are for sporting purposes only and do stay under lock and key more of the time. In America however, the gun is more often used as a tool of self-defense which means that it needs to be kept readily accessible rather than locked in a… Read more »
Dan, you sure are defensive. You go an accuse me of “ethno-centrism” and I don’t know what, and the next moment you make essentially the same point I did. Yes, of course it’s cultural. What did you expect? I do understand that in the US, people have guns for self-defense. Not so here. In fact, getting a license for a non-sports handgun is going to be next to impossible. Yes, that’s cultural. Which brings me back to my initial comment – I’m happy to live in a place where the culture is such that I don’t have to worry about… Read more »
I hear you Lars. I’m an American – and live in the South, even – and I can’t fathom why so many people here are so attached to their guns to the point where they lash out at anyone who’s not as gun-crazed as they are, calling them irresponsible parents, reeking of ethnic superiority, and all the other nutty things that have been said here.
All I can say is we’re not all like that, and some of us are tired of having to live among people who are, and live with the consequences of their attachment to guns.
“If you look geographically at the areas with the highest gun violence and the highest accident rates, it is NOT in the areas where gun ownership is highest. It is in the areas where gun ownership is lowest due to bans or cultural bias.” Read more at https://goodmenproject.com/families/im-calling-to-schedule-a-playdate-and-find-out-if-you-have-any-guns-in-your-home/#0s2pRoD0dbLHFyEz.99 I was so glad Dan included this statement in his comments. The South is not NYC, Chicago, CA, or the USA/Mexican border. There are a few “crazed” gun owners, just like there are a few “crazed” zero tolerant persons. Those of us who own guns or even if we don’t own guns,… Read more »
Lars… It was an ironic parallel… To how gun owners are stereotyped and considered ethnocentric, and “crazed”; assigned personality traits not necessarily in evidence because of preconception. Paige drove the nail home for me. Thank you Paige.
Just to be clear: I don’t think all gun owners are “gun nuts.” I know plenty who are not. But you have definitely exhibited the type of personality traits that fit my definition of a “gun nut” as opposed to just a gun owner.
Paige, while I am a professional trainer, I am no kind of nut at all. I do not collect large numbers of guns, worship them, fondle them or have wet dreams about shooting them. I am a perfectly well-adjusted person who does not need a penis extension. I view guns as exactly what they are. They are a tool. An inanimate object with no will of its own, no capacity for good or evil. They are possibly more dangerous than a jigsaw, but certainly less dangerous than an automobile. Despite my lack of fanaticism about this tool, I have been… Read more »
Man – I’m glad I live in a place where this is not an issue – and where’s I’m not expected to teach my kids how to behave around firearms in order to be a responsible parent. Not that I would mind my kids visiting a household with guns; I’d absolutely trust parents to keep said guns in a place where my kid would not come across them. To me, the idea that dealing with said guns is in anyway my or my kids responsibility is sheer madness. But then, life on planet USA is a mystery in so many… Read more »
Bek C – If you detected a defensive tone to my initial post, it was because there is a back story. Before I tell it I will preface with my ideas about what I want to know before l even CONSIDER letting my child spend time at another home. First, I would have to know the parents WELL. Not a cursory conversation or Q&A, but actually have spent enough time socially around them to get a firm feel for their personality, ethics, level of responsibility, etc. I would know their profession and some of their background. I would probably have… Read more »
Well that’s a sad story, but you have an irrational prejudice yourself for judging everyone else by the actions of this one screwed up set of parents. It isn’t their discomfort with guns that makes them bad parents, it’s all the other stuff you mentioned – namely that they just aren’t involved enough in their child’s life to make any kind of informed parental decisions. But there are plenty of responsible, informed and thoughtful parents who might well ask, in the course of “taking your measure,” whether you have guns and where they are kept. Highly ironic that you say… Read more »
BTW… I think my responses are being unfairly taken out of context. I have never said that unsecured guns are not a danger to children. They are obviously very dangerous. I am simply trying to point out that Jim’s idea of communication with parents about safe storage is only one part of a comprehensive safety solution. We need: Gun-owner safety education Safe-storage information and solutions Communication (as Jim points out) Education of ALL children about gun safety Education of children is equally important, and a parents’ responsibility. If any defensiveness is detected it is because of those parents who place… Read more »
All of us have a responsibility to teach our child safety- from crossing the street to firearms. However, as we all know, not all parents do. So in my asking you, if you have firearms in the home and if they are safe and secure, I am verifying that you are a responsible parents. I wouldn’t want my kid spending time in a home supervised by an irresponsible parents, in particular an irresponsible parent who keeps firearms on the premises, and someone who reacts to that question in such an aggressive manner I would have to assume is too immature… Read more »
Wow. The word “gun” is like a mind-altering substance. Say the word to someone on either side and entire portions of the brain shut down. Two adults should be able to have a civilized discussion about their concerns about child safety. A little diplomacy and politeness ought to go a long way. On the question of gun safety, either side could act offensively to the other person or be offended by the other person. Clearly some people are easily offended at mere suggestion that guns could be dangerous for children. Others are easily offended at the mere suggestion that some… Read more »
Wellokthen, I like your last comment except the part about not having a civilized discussion. I was rather under the impression we were. Hard to tell though with part of my brain shut down… 😉
The point is here, all due respect to you and your child, its none of your business. If I have a concern that the persons house that I am allowing my children to visit is somehow unsafe, that question should be resolved by me getting to know the person and finding out for myself whether or not I feel its a quality environment. The liberal ideology somehow relieves the parent of the responsibility of ensuring your childs safety. Rather than teach them about potential danger that they might encounter, you hide it from them, as Dan said, making it a… Read more »
” The liberal ideology somehow relieves the parent of the responsibility of ensuring your childs safety…” LOL!!! Oh my God, are you people for real? Talking to other parents whose homes my kid may visit IS part of taking responsibility for ensuring my child’s safety. Nothing at all was said about “hiding” the realities of guns from children as opposed to teaching them. My kid could be a complete prodigy with firearms for all you know – that still doesn’t mean the other family is ALSO responsible to the point where I have a comfort level with them, until I’ve… Read more »
“Gun safety? Sure. All my guns have safeties on them.” I think if I had a child who was coming over for a playdate at your house I would be in my rights to ask what the firearms situation was in your house. You have an equal or greater right to feel offended by the question. You would be well within your rights to tell me to mind my own business, in which case I might feel it best that my child not go to your house on a playdate. That makes me think that some of the offended people… Read more »
Ladydy and Daddy Files – Yes, I believe it is your responsibility to educate your children about ANYTHING that can hurt them whether or not you have a gun in your home. I don’t have a swimming pool or live in an area where it gets warm enough to swim outdoors except possibly one month a year. I don’t swim for recreation and I don’t like the water. I swim well enough to pass the tests I needed to pass in the military to do my job. Despite my uncomfortable feelings about water, I still took the time to get… Read more »
I didn’t grow up in a house with guns, I’ve never owned one, and I probably don’t know as much about them as I ought to. I have to admit I probably have some self-righteous misconceptions about gun ownership, and I might not be the most informed source of information for my kids about guns. I’m thinking I might actually WANT my child to meet someone who is a highly responsible gun owner. That way my kid would get a more realistic view of guns than what they’ll get elsewhere. I’d teach my kid (if I had one) what I… Read more »
The point of asking the other parent isn’t that you haven’t talked to your kids about what to do if they find a gun. Even if you have thoroughly educated your children on that topic, you’re also worried about two other things: 1.) the best-educated kids still sometimes do dumb things when presented with the opportunity (that’s why they’re called kids and not miniature adults) and 2.) is the gun owner in the other house a responsible gun owner who takes basic safety precautions, or are they a wannabe cowboy who will make a fine news story when there’s a… Read more »
It’s also a good way to find out if your neighbor is a fanatical gun nut, so you can teach HIS kid about the warning signs of a psychotic breakdown and how to identify escape routes.
LOL
I applaud your article. Indee, you should be able to discuss this with all parents. 🙂 However. Many of us grew-up in homes with lots of guns in many locations and never once harmed ourselves, our friends, or our property. It was never ok in my house to treat guns as anything less than guns. Properly handling of guns means: 1) Treat every gun like a loaded gun; 2) Know your site picture; and 3) Point your gun in a safe direction. Yes of course I play with guns. On a gun range with proper eye and ear protection and… Read more »
What other dangerous things would you ask your kid’s friend’s parents about? Why are guns such a special; danger? Are accidental shootings involving children more common than other types of accidental injuries?
Your focus on guns leads one to believe that it’s part of some agenda. In the back of my mind is the question: Would someone who is all interested about my possession of guns in the home really respect my privacy?
Guns that are not well-secured are special dangers, or they sure seem that way. Handguns are portable, unlike swimming pools. I’d compare them to power tools. If my child was coming over to your house and I know that you’ve been remodeling your house, I’d be curious if there are any power tools lying around. Of course I’d teach my child about safety, but I can’t just depend solely on my child’s own good sense to stay safe, especially not in a group of other kids. Surely all of us as children did things we were told were unsafe but… Read more »
Dan: So all the parents who don’t teach their kids about guns are “irresponsible” and bad parents? Sorry, but that’s absolutely ridiculous. You raise your kids around guns. Good for you. But guess what? I consider it irresponsible to leave a gun on the table and tempt fate. I don’t even have to leave it on the table and tempt them to know they won’t touch it, because there won’t be one present in my house. I fail to see how raising my son in a home without an instrument made solely to kill people can be classified as irresponsible.… Read more »
I think Dan’s point is you have failed to give your kids any tools to deal with guns should they come across one outside your home. Part of educating them about firearms safety is telling them what to do should they find one or come into contact with one when you are not around. It would be similar to not telling your kids to not play with electrical outlets because you put safety covers on all the ones in your home. You are failing to provide them with mental tools to know what to do. I am a shooter and… Read more »
*peace* of mind.
Good article, Jim. I wouldn’t have really thought about asking other parents if they had guns. I kind of assume people we hang out with don’t have them, and, if they did, they would be super responsible. Aside from getting some piece of mind, the other benefit of speaking openly about gun safety would be to remind gun owners themselves to think about that stuff. I hate to drop a dime on my own dad (career military officer, Vietnam vet, Expert Marksman, Airborne Ranger, etc.), but he kept a .45 in his dresser drawer, with no safe, no locks, nothing.… Read more »
I grew up with a gun in my house and it was never an issue. The gun was kept in one room, bullets were kept in another, and both were out of reach for kids. When I was in the military, I slept with a gun under my pillow for three years. I shot my gun. At people. (Thankfully, I missed.) So I’m not out of touch with the idea of guns in general, or with the way they work or with the way responsible people keep kids safe around them. Saying that, I don’t get the defensive tone of… Read more »
My comments were not directed at Jim personally. Kudos to you Jim for getting your kids trained. Maybe that would be a good topic for a follow-on article.
Good idea, Dan. There’s been a lot on guns here lately, but last September the idea of education was initiated on the link below. I’d love to see a practical guide, the anecdotal and the researched, to teaching children gun safety. https://goodmenproject.com/the-good-life/playing-with-guns/
Dan and Jim: I think you both make some very good points. As a parent, it is your responsibility to know what type of situation or home you are sending your children into (i.e. are there guns and are they stored safely – although how many parents ask the parents of a potential play date if they happen to have any pitbulls or potentially dangerous dogs at their home?). It is also your responsibility to teach your children about the dangers of this world, which include unsafe handling of a firearm. I do not think Dan is directing his comments… Read more »
Not to completely derail the conversation, but I have to step in to bust the pit bull myth. Pit bull breeds are not inherently more dangerous or aggressive than any other dog. A chihuahua can severely injure a child, as can a golden retriever, as can a poodle, as can a pit bull, as can any mixed mutt. (You may even do better to worry about those toy breeds like chihuahuas, the kind kids want to pick up and hold because they are oh-so-cute and oh-so-small and yet can leave a kid in need of oh-so-many stitches.) Yes, it is… Read more »
Dan, I appreciate your comments. Honestly. But I’m not sure where you’re making some determinations on how I father my children: “It is not so much that I am offended by the question, as it is that I am truly offended that parents do not address the issue and do honest-to-goodness safety training with their children; and expect that it falls on someone else.” I never said that I haven’t dealt with teaching my children about firearms. In fact, I have. My cousin is a police officer and he has personally taught my kids, at length, about guns. They’ve fired… Read more »
Robert Duffer – It is not so much that I am offended by the question, as it is that I am truly offended that parents do not address the issue and do honest-to-goodness safety training with their children; and expect that it falls on someone else. In the case of firearms, I think it is a shared responsibility. If I did not believe in responsible storage, I would not own a safe. I also know however, that I could leave a handgun in the middle of my kitchen table and neither of my children would any more touch it than… Read more »
Dan Flowers is right! As we all know as parents education takes the fear and misunderstanding away from just about everything. I for one am not afraid to ask parents how they feel about guns or or any other beliefs me or my wife have. If we dont like the responses then our children dont play together. Its called being a parent not making nice with everyone. Bottom line is my childrens safety is my #1 priority.
If you called my house to find out, you would receive the following response: “Yes, there are several firearms in my house. I will make sure that they are safely secured in my gun-safe before your child arrives now that I know that you are an irresponsible parent. Why irresponsible? Because their are 300 million guns in America and they are found in more than 50% of all households. A responsible parent, knowing the practical inevitability of their child coming into contact with a firearm at some point would make the effort to educate first themselves and then their children… Read more »
Despite the number of guns “found” in American homes, Dan, does not in any way mean that they are as commonly found as knives (in every kitchen and assessable by anyone), unknown liquids (under the sink, the laundry area, even the fridge), or windows (in 100% of homes, multiple times over). You keep your gun in a gun safe because of the potential for it being mishandled, presumably. Accidents with the aforementioned objects typically are not as instantaneously lethal as a gun. I would guess that every parent has told their child not to touch something and the child has… Read more »
Wow, this is exactly the defensive knee-jerk, ‘blame the responsible parent for looking out for their kid’, reaction I would expect. If your neighbors had a pool without a fence, could we claim you to be the irresponsible one for not teaching your 4 year old to swim if they got near it and drowned? No, you would say that family should have had a fence – I believe there are laws about THAT. They could go to jail for neglect. If you can’t handle a rational adult conversation about gun safety in your home, I wouldn’t want my children… Read more »
Wow, someone is quite defensive. But my first thought was, why should you have to go around your house making sure all your guns are put away in the first place, Dan? The first rule of guns when you have kids is that you should NOT let them just lie about. They should be inaccessible to children when those children are not able to be supervised by a responsible adult. My children are not even able to access their BB guns by themselves. And yes, I have talked about guns with the parents of my children’s friends. Never have I… Read more »
Seriously. I thought I’d already seen the outer limits of the self centered douchebaggery exhibited by gun nuts (and to be clear, I do NOT consider all gun owners to be gun nuts – just people like Dan here). But this takes the cake. Even if my kids have already been taught about gun safety, that doesn’t mean I trust that yours have been taught properly. In fact, a former neighbor of mine’s young on had a friend over, and the FRIEND was shot and killed by the 13 year old, with his stepfather’s gun. It apparently was not stored… Read more »
Thank you for covering this! I try to share the “Just Ask” idea as much as I can.
Their site is: http://www.cpyv.org/?page_id=74
My feeling is that if we can’t talk about this than we aren’t civilized enough to have these weapons.
It’s a discussion that must happen considering that an estimated half of legal firearm owners do not practice basic safety & secure storage.