Jim Higley believes his role as a parent means asking uncomfortable questions in order to help keep his children safe.
Last week, the Good Men Project asked me to weigh in on a topic they were contributing to which explored parents comfort with talking to other parents regarding guns in homes.
“In all your years as a parent, Jim,” they asked me, “have you ever talked to the parents of your children’s friends about guns in homes and safety issues?”
Candidly, I thought this was kind of a black and white topic. How can they make a story out of this? They might as well have asked me if kids should be allowed to eat. Or sleep.
But as I spent a day or so researching this topic, I discovered that it’s not black and white for many parents. It’s downright heebie jeebie way outside a lot of parents’ comfort zone.
And I find that downright interesting.
I find it interesting that some parents feel it’s too personal or judgmental to approach this topic with other parents. But it’s helped me realize that, for me, this is a pretty black and white topic. My role in protecting my children to the best of my abilities is black and white. It means I will regularly be put in awkward and uncomfortable situations. It doesn’t mean I have to be rude or inconsiderate. But I do have to be a parent.
When my oldest was a little guy, his best buddy lived next door. And his best buddy’s daddy (a good friend of mine) was an avid hunter. I am not. Perhaps that relationship helped grease my own comfort zone in talking about guns with other parents. My neighbor—back when our boys were still toddlers—openly talked to me about how his guns were locked in a cabinet with a combination lock. He also explained the importance of keeping ammo in a separate location (I never knew but it certainly makes sense!).
One-third of the homes in our country have guns. Perhaps in your neighborhood it’s less than that. Perhaps it’s more. But, if this is a topic you haven’t thought much about, you will be surprised to find out who does have guns. I encourage you to have conversations with the parents of your young children’s friends about this. And if you’re still a little intimidated, consider this:
- Start the conversation in a group of parents. It might be less awkward.
- When your child has made a friend and you are getting to know that child’s parents, proactively mention safety in your home (and whether or not you have guns). It will get the conversation going.
- Finally don’t be afraid to be forthright and say, “I’m so glad our children are playing together! My son/daughter and I have been talking a lot about safety in other people’s home and I wanted to ask you about your house. Do you have dogs? Do you have guns?” You get the idea.
Some have said to me, “But I don’t want to offend someone!” To you, I offer you the following story about kids and peanut allergies.
If your child has a peanut allergy, I’m guessing you are very comfortable telling the parents of your child’s friends about this safety concern. In fact, I know you tell them because you would never put your child in a situation where he or she was exposed to peanuts and cause serious health problems, right? I’m also sure when you tell parents about your little one’s peanut allergy, they respond with concern and compassion and ask questions, right?
And all of that makes you feel good. You gain comfort knowing that the other parent is responsible and shares your concern for your child (just as you feel responsible for their child’s safety).
So what if, when telling a parent about your kid’s peanut allergy, they brush it off. They say that “peanut allergies are blown way out of proportion” and that you shouldn’t worry so much. I’m betting your radar would go up. And you probably would develop an opinion about how safe your child might be in that home.
And it likely guides your thought process the next time your son or daughter gets invited over to that house to play.
Get the conversation going with other parents about guns in home, won’t you. 99% of those parents will welcome a thoughtful conversation; most gun owners understand safety concerns and will respect your asking. Be considerate. This is not the discussion to get on a soapbox and preach all of your thoughts about our country’s gun laws. This is a discussion about how we, as parents, work together to keep kids safe in our respective homes.
And if you run into anyone who is offended and thinks differently about gun safety in the home, remember my story about peanut allergies.
Originally appeared at Bobblehead Dad
Also read: Trying to Keep Kids Safe in a Gun-Obsessed World
Photo: Flickr/mrbill
About Jim Higley
Man – I’m glad I live in a place where this is not an issue – and where’s I’m not expected to teach my kids how to behave around firearms in order to be a responsible parent. Not that I would mind my kids visiting a household with guns; I’d absolutely trust parents to keep said guns in a place where my kid would not come across them. To me, the idea that dealing with said guns is in anyway my or my kids responsibility is sheer madness. But then, life on planet USA is a mystery in so many ways.
Lars – Exactly where do you live, where there are no guns at all?
Dan – reading comprehension, it’s important. I didn’t say there’s no guns *at all* where I live. I said that being concerned if homes my kids are visiting have guns and what could happen if those guns are left where the kids can get at them is not an issue.
I live in Denmark. Sure, ppl have guns here. But I have never, ever in my 40+ years seen a gun lying about in a private home. Or stored where kids – or adults – could see it. Or seen ppl handling guns in their home, unless a hunt was being prepared. It just does not happen. So – there’s about a 1000 things I’d worry about my before I got to my kids coming upon guns when visiting a friend.
Lars, You assume that because you haven’t seen one unsecured that it isn’t possible. It is. Your assertion almost reeks of an ethno-centrism or Danish superiority. In your defense, I believe certain cultural groups DO have less trouble with gun accidents. In the case of Denmark I suspect that a large majority of those guns are for sporting purposes only and do stay under lock and key more of the time. In America however, the gun is more often used as a tool of self-defense which means that it needs to be kept readily accessible rather than locked in a safe in another part of your home. If you cannot access a gun in seconds after the first indication of trouble, it may not help you to defend yourself. That is why guns (for defense) are often found in living or sleeping areas where they can be accessed quickly. That unfortunately is why they are sometimes ( by oversight) not secured properly. Still, like you, in the culture where I live, I have never known personally of a child accidentally shot with a firearm in the home. I can’t ever such an instance in any of the communities in which I have lived and we are literally awash in firearms. I know it happens because I have heard about it in the news from distant cities. I believe the difference is cultural. In the place I live is in the South (horror) fairly rural (double-knuckle-dragger-horror) and the vast majority of kids know about and have had a lot of exposure to guns. There is no mystery to them. If you look geographically at the areas with the highest gun violence and the highest accident rates, it is NOT in the areas where gun ownership is highest. It is in the areas where gun ownership is lowest due to bans or cultural bias. Unfamiliarity is the driving force behind most accidents IMO.
Dan, you sure are defensive. You go an accuse me of “ethno-centrism” and I don’t know what, and the next moment you make essentially the same point I did.
Yes, of course it’s cultural. What did you expect? I do understand that in the US, people have guns for self-defense. Not so here. In fact, getting a license for a non-sports handgun is going to be next to impossible. Yes, that’s cultural. Which brings me back to my initial comment – I’m happy to live in a place where the culture is such that I don’t have to worry about guns.
Why is it so upsetting to you that there are places in the world where the gun culture is very different from what you’re used to? Why the name-calling?
I hear you Lars. I’m an American – and live in the South, even – and I can’t fathom why so many people here are so attached to their guns to the point where they lash out at anyone who’s not as gun-crazed as they are, calling them irresponsible parents, reeking of ethnic superiority, and all the other nutty things that have been said here.
All I can say is we’re not all like that, and some of us are tired of having to live among people who are, and live with the consequences of their attachment to guns.
“If you look geographically at the areas with the highest gun violence and the highest accident rates, it is NOT in the areas where gun ownership is highest. It is in the areas where gun ownership is lowest due to bans or cultural bias.”
Read more at http://goodmenproject.com/families/im-calling-to-schedule-a-playdate-and-find-out-if-you-have-any-guns-in-your-home/#0s2pRoD0dbLHFyEz.99
I was so glad Dan included this statement in his comments. The South is not NYC, Chicago, CA, or the USA/Mexican border. There are a few “crazed” gun owners, just like there are a few “crazed” zero tolerant persons. Those of us who own guns or even if we don’t own guns, but still believe in the RIGHT of the 2nd Amendment, believe the far reaching tentacles of the government—federal, state, or local—should have very little, if any, say or control over the citizens’ right to bear arms, for hunting, for protection, for sportman competitions, for collections, for whatever.
By the way, my initial response to Dan’s advice to question other parents about having guns in their homes repelled me; I immediately thought it is no one’s business. However, I continued reading and considered his analogy to peanut allergies, and I’ve come to the conclusion that is within parental purview to respectfully, but candidly ask other parents about guns in their homes IF my child is going to be spending any time in their homes, day or night. So, you see, we are not all “crazed.”
Lars… It was an ironic parallel… To how gun owners are stereotyped and considered ethnocentric, and “crazed”; assigned personality traits not necessarily in evidence because of preconception. Paige drove the nail home for me. Thank you Paige.
Just to be clear: I don’t think all gun owners are “gun nuts.” I know plenty who are not. But you have definitely exhibited the type of personality traits that fit my definition of a “gun nut” as opposed to just a gun owner.
Paige, while I am a professional trainer, I am no kind of nut at all. I do not collect large numbers of guns, worship them, fondle them or have wet dreams about shooting them. I am a perfectly well-adjusted person who does not need a penis extension. I view guns as exactly what they are. They are a tool. An inanimate object with no will of its own, no capacity for good or evil. They are possibly more dangerous than a jigsaw, but certainly less dangerous than an automobile. Despite my lack of fanaticism about this tool, I have been witness to it’s villification as an evil destructive device my entire life, and because of my association with it either professionally or because of my status as a gun owner been villified and had my personality and motivations predisposed and prejudged for my entire adult life. I go to work, pay my taxes, don’t beat my wife too often and only rarely bite the heads off of live kittens. Again I wax to the sarcastic and ironic because to hear the opinions of those who are gun-phobic, my ownership (or defense of responsible parenting on this thread) apparently leads them to assume I am exactly such a person. Again, thank you for making my point about assumptions. You may continue making my point, or apologize for your presupposition at any time. If you read back a few of my posts, you will find that at no time do I ever take gun owners off the hook for their responsibility of keeping guns safely secured and out of the reach of children. I have simply stated that any parent who is serious about the safety of their child has an obligation to discuss safety with guns in the same vein that they would discuss any other potential danger that their child may encounter (swimming pools, poisons, electrical outlets, power tools, cars, talking to strangers, etc.). You can continue trying to paint me as a fanatic, but I don’t think a lot of people can disagree with my logic without admitting to themselves they have an irrational anti-gun bias which may ultimately impact their child’s safety if they never address the issue.