Chad Miller responds to a post that calls dads “babysitters” and shares tips he’s learned along the way.
2013 is being touted as the year of the Dad. We have a steep hill to climb to change an unflattering image, but at the very least, we can start by losing the title of babysitter. After learning of the 10 reasons I, as a Dad, can be referred to as a babysitter, I’m throwing in the challenge flag. Here’s some advice for dads who might fall into that role unexpectedly, but really want to lead their family integrity, vulnerability, and accountability.
1. Arrange for your wife to get out of the house and pamper herself. Slip her some “Jacksons” in her waistband, kiss her on the cheek and whisper in her ear that there’s a glass of wine waiting for her at her favorite mani/pedi shop. Do Not attach strings to this gift.
2. Absolutely, 100% overindulge. Did I say Jacksons above? I meant “Benjamins.”
3. Be willing to play Doctor… and not just between the sheets. Geez! Mom’s got the sniffles? Let her get some rest, take on dinner responsibility, and instruct the kids not to bother Mom. That means, when you see a little human walking towards the closed door of your bedroom, leap the couch and cut them off at the pass.
4. Show her that you don’t need the instruction manual to parent your children. Dad’s, there’s nothing funny about this one. Be present, take notice, and get involved. You don’t get to be tired after work when it comes to being active in the lives of your children. Turn the damn TV off and enjoy the experience of growing your children into incredible, responsible, compassionate, contributing adults.
5. Show no fear. Confidence is cool. Confidence in your parenting is sexy. Keep your house a home when Mom walks out the front door. Your children will have the opportunity to experience frat life all too soon.
6. Did I mention turn off the damn TV? Yep, it’s right there in #4. Seriously, there’s this cool, new invention called DVR. It’s so rad. It records live TV. Yeah, no kidding! You don’t have to worry about your buddies letting you know the score of the game, ’cause you’ll be having a great time with your kids. Then, you can watch the game later without the commercials.
7. Show off your mad storage skills. Let’s face it, the geniuses at the Container Store and Ikea combined can’t hold a candle to a Dads ability to utilize every square inch of the inside of a minivan or crossover SUV when going on a trip with a baby. You really want your wife to think your sexy? Get to work creating organization for the house… then you’ll be familiar with where everything is, and she won’t have to put things out where they can’t be missed. It’s a win-win.
8. Don’t let your kids do stuff you know your wife wouldn’t let them do. Okay, so I agree that the lounge chair makes a great launch pad to catapult to the sofa. Yes, I know the crayon says washable, but we don’t need to allow mini Picasso to create a mural on the entry wall. You have to ask yourself, do you really disrespect your wife so much that you’re willing to teach your kids to do the same? Let that one sink in a sec… yeah, it’s gonna sting a little.
9. Don’t let doing laundry and dishes become an unexpected treat you surprise your wife with. On the other had, ladies, don’t begin to expect it and take it for granted.
10. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
In all seriousness, a marriage and raising kids is a mutual responsibility. There’s nothing a wife desires more than for her husband to lead his family with integrity, vulnerability, and accountability. Active participation and presence are crucial to modeling and influencing your children.
If you ever want to know why your child has become a d-bag as an adult. If you ever want to know why you suddenly don’t have a relationship with your children when they’ve grown and left the house. If you ever want to know why you don’t know the woman you call your wife, look no further than the reflection in the mirror.
Dads, your words and behaviors carry more weight than you will ever know. Be the husband and father that you would want you sons to be and your daughters to marry.
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Photo adapted from Scary Mommy blog, here.
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About Chad Miller
I’m sorry, but I find this to be offensive. It seems to be written for men of the 1950′s who see their role as provider and the wife’s role as caretaker. I don’t see shared responsbility outlined here–I see that mom is responsible 95% of the time, and dad is there to “take some stress off” once in a while by giving her $50 and sending her out of the house (“Luuuucy, I just gave you money for a new hat last week?”). This seems to support the notion that dads are….babysitters. The notion that dad’s are bumbling and incompetent is also underlying in the advice to “be confident” and “turn off the TV” and “don’t do stuff that will upset mom.” Again, not very empowering and intimating that only mom can do this parenting thing. My observation of many modern dads is that they are much more competent, nurturing, confident and willing to help than this article portrays. There may be some unenlightened or frightened men that this article will assist, but I think most of us handle this father role very well. Especially in partnership with wives/partners who relax control and criticism and let us co-parent side by side.
Hi, Brad. Thanks for your feedback.
First, I’d encourage you to read the original article this is in response to. I believe you’ll find that many of the 10 steps are very much tongue in cheek.
Personally, my wife and I both work outside of the home full time. I agree that it would be offensive to suggest that I’m paying for her to “take some stress off.”
I applaud you that you are apparently a very involved father who co-parents with your spouse equally. I do, however, disagree with the illusion that there are only “some unenlightened or frightened men that this article will assist.” You are truly the minority, and I’m encouraged to know that there are other passionate Dads willing to get pissed off when they feel they are being belittled.
Brad,
As the wife to the man who wrote this article I feel the need to respond. First off, my husband definately shares 50% of the responisibility of running our household. We both work full-time. I think if you would have read the article this was in respone to you would understand where he was coming from. Secondly, if you had read the last paragraph of this article you would see the point he is trying to make. Also, I disagree with you that the majority of dads out there are very much involved and do share in the responsibility of running a household. I agree that dads have come a long way since the 50′s but most of the other dads we know still have A LONG way to go!! I appluad my husband for trying to inspire and truly living out what he writes!!
Chad….I like the positivity but it felt dumbed down and condescending to a point. The image of dads you drew from is from another era. Even those dads were worhty of more respect than they have been given.
Hi, OG. I sincerely appreciate your critique. It will help me to be more sensitive to a more global audience as I continue to spread a message of encouraging dads to be more involved.
I also appreciate the book recommendation. After a quick look on Amazon, I’m definitely interested.
I can’t speak for SAHDs, as I work outside of the home, but I do know above all else, a man’s love language is to have a sense of being respected. This is a universal need for men.
I hope that you’ll continue to follow my content and have a better understanding of my heart and passion as a father.
Again, thanks for your feedback.
Chad…You might want to read The Male Brain.It gives some insight into dads,mom child dynamic.Not all SAHD are appreciated or respected by their wives or other moms.
Chad…I do not ,for one moment, doubt the sincerity of your vision and of your message.It;s just that as a SAHD from wayyy back-over 27 years ago-I have learned some lessons about human beings that shed a different light on this issue. In my research and experiences( I also helped too take of care of my niece and nephew and have 6 younger sisters)men choosing to be SAHD is often met with unforeseen challenges that need to be discussed and drawn out into the light of day.We like to pretend that it is simply a matter of men making the choice to be SAHD’S, which seem to be where your article was coming from.Well, like most things involving great change and humans, it ain’t that easy.In my personal experience and in the experiences of other men there are potential problems lying in the weeds.
.Respect, as you noted, is an important dimension in this process and men aren’t always as respected as the mother is for taking of children just as women aren’t always respected when they do a “man’s” job.Many men have complained of being isolated and ignored by moms at parks and playgrounds and other places where people typically take their kids. Men also complain that this world caters to women first and is not even aware of the needs of men and children.Some men complain that their wives have stopped finding them to be sexually attractive since they are taking care of kids and not earning a paycheck-this happened to me;imagine my surprise, anger and confusion and feelings of betrayal. This contributed to my eventual breakup.So, I9 am suggesting that men need more than a cheerleader and someone who assumes that this role reversal is easy and without complications.Not everyone has been as lucky as you have been with your wife. In The Male Brain, Dr Brizendine speaks openly and honestly about the hidden challenges men face in being active participants in the lives of their children. The good Dr. says for many men their wives act as gatekeepers of his relationship with the kids, controlling and defining the relationship for him.Seems to me that helping men and women realize and work on some of these things is needed.Simply telling men that they need to do more isn’t enough.
Chad…well ironies of ironies.My mom is from East Texas! Dangerfield to be exact. That makes you and I homies! You are right in that there are strong regional differences that come in to play when one considers behavior in people. Unfortunately, this is seldom acknowledged in the gender wars, which too often pretends that everyone is the same or should be the same.
Growing up in San Francisco, during the 60′s and 70′s, I had a head-start on most guys in dealing with these issues.
I was raised by a second waver, though that was pretty much a disaster. Like, most second wavers the message my mom sent us was contradictory. She wanted to maintain all of the perks of being treated like a traditional southern girl AND the perks of being a feminist, as well. I will be glad to give whatever help I can.
OG, your insight with these comments have been great. Based on your commentary, I think you’d have a great voice to speak on this subject, that is assuming you’re not already.
I’d be interested in keeping this dialogue going, as I find value in what you have said and would love to gain a deeper understanding.
I’ve not spent a lot of time out near Dangerfield, but I do know they have a beautiful state park and are just a hop, skip, and jump from Arkansas or Louisiana.
Thanks again for for your candid and insightful comments.
Chad… I am flattered and would be glad to lend whatever assisstance I can.