Sylvia D. Lucas challenges the gendered double-standard that surrounds the choice to not have children.
This post first appeared on Dink Life, which celebrates the Dual-Income-No-Kids Lifestyle.
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Child-free men, whether they’re Dual-Income-No-Kids (DINK) “lifers” or just waiting until later to have kids, haven’t shared the focus of the barrage of attacks their female counterparts have endured since the advent of birth control. How do men without children get off so much easier … or do they?
Whether in magazine articles, blogs, online publications, or in person, women without children are “bingoed” (chastised for not having kids/told why we should have kids—“Oh my god, you’d love it!”) pretty regularly. We’re told—usually indirectly and/or from a safe distance—that we’re cold, we’re freaks, we’re selfish, we’re child-haters, we’re non-nurturers, we’re unnatural. And that’s for starters.
Most insults are actually too absurd to be offensive, so I’ll call them “pesky.” Offensive would be the study oft-repeated in the media that women are apparently at higher risk of developing breast cancer if we don’t produce offspring. How’s that for pressure?
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Are men without children made to feel guilty, too?
I recently saw an article online titled “Childless Men May Face Higher Risk of Heart Disease.” So, I guess we’re all screwed. At least we’ll die young together.
A survey conducted by author Laura S. Scott, author of Two is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice, found that men and women’s reasons for choosing blissfully unladen lives are basically the same, and the “why” of it has been covered ad nauseam. So I thought I’d interview a few men who frequent The Childfree Life Internet forum about their experiences simply living as men who choose not to have children.
Have they been pressured to use their semen to procreate the same way we’ve been pressured to use our uteri incubate? Have they had difficulty finding a partner? What word comes to mind when asked to imagine having a child in their lives?
(“NOOOOOOO!” was one word.)
I do, of course, ask them why they don’t want children, because the personal answers are far more interesting and relevant than the overarching psychobabble “there-must-be-something-‘off’-deep-within-you” explanations some are desperately seeking.
The men in this interview, ages 26-53, hail from the U.S., Canada, and Australia, and are identified in this article in keeping with their individual preferences. Their answers below may or may not surprise you, but what they unquestionably do is give you a glimpse of the men’s world in a way you haven’t seen it before.
First, I’m going to ask every child-free person’s favorite question: Why don’t you want kids?
ERICH, 27, CANADA: I want the freedom to travel, to work wherever I want, to come and go as I please. I want the freedom to have freedom. Can’t just pick up and go with a kid.
ALAN SMITH, 53, BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA: I actually find this a difficult question to comprehend. For me, the opposite question applies—“Why on earth would anyone wish to produce children?” I do realise that people have children for all sorts of reasons—they find them endearing, they feel they have a religious or social duty to breed, the vanity of having a copy of themselves, a need to prove their “manhood” or “womanhood”, the financial benefits or simply that they have never thought about it and regarded it as a “default” position to reproduce. None of these applies to me.
JOSH, 36, OKLAHOMA: I like the freedom. I’m the type of person who needs a lot of downtime, and a child would definitely get in the way of that. I also just don’t like being completely responsible for something other than myself. I have no more desire to have a pet than I do to have a kid.
ANONYMOUS, 26, MONTANA: For me, it was a bit of knowing my nature. I can be overly caring and take things a bit personally. If I had a child, I would imagine that I’d feel I let them down greatly if they failed at something. In the same breath, when I put my mind to accomplishing a goal, I block out everything around me till I finish my goal. I didn’t want to live a life that was both unfair to that child and to me. I would probably drive the child nuts and cause a mini hell for myself. Once I add in the fact I’d probably have a partner in the mix, it seems very maddening.
PAUL L., 44, NEW HAMPSHIRE: They are very expensive and time consuming. I don’t make that much money, and I certainly wouldn’t have the house I own if I had kids to support. I like my peace and quiet and the freedom to come and go as I see fit (for instance, I took my bike for a weekend trip this past weekend on a spur of the moment and my partner worked). The cats need no supervision!
E. CARROLL HALE III, 48, VIRGINIA: That’s a very complex issue. A large component to my choice is that I’m the oldest of 6, and it was expected that as soon as I was of sufficient age to do so (we’re talking 8-9 years old), I’d be watching over the rest of the herd, keeping them out of trouble, etc. If they got in trouble, after my Dad gave them theirs, I’d get some too because I was supposed to be keeping them out of trouble. Even early on, I was thinking that I probably didn’t want to have a kid because being a kid sucked and I didn’t want to inflict that on somebody else.
Do you ever feel judged for not wanting children? If so, by whom?
ERICH, 27: Most common judgment is that I’m “selfish” (i.e. just want to be promiscuous). Mostly from people who finished whatever schooling they finished and bought into the white picket fence routine of life and never considered there were alternatives.
ALAN, 53: Frequently—by (a) the media, who seem to regard breeding as a heroic act (b) by politicians, who are obsessed with “the family” and regard childless or childfree adults as “non-people,” (c) by the taxation and economic systems that discriminate against me, (d) by the advertising media that seem to assume everyone is a member of a “mum –dad – 2.3 kids nuclear family,” (e) by the occasional jealous breeder, and (f) by religious fanatics who regard sex when not utilized for procreation as against God’s directive.
JOSH, 36: Definitely. Most people think that I’m a selfish, irresponsible child-hater if I tell them that I don’t want kids. I have a selfish side, as everyone does, but I’m pretty responsible and do like some kids.
ANON, 26: From a random stranger, I have been judged, and from family misunderstood. Sometimes I’ve noticed that if a man does come out and says he doesn’t want to have kids, he can be negatively labeled. These labels can simply be [that a child-free guy is] a guy who likes to sleep around or a guy who is immature and possibly not responsible.
Whether reading men’s magazines or articles online, have you found much literature that represents, discusses, or explores child-free men (before DINKlife of course)?
ERICH, 27: I’ve found there are the occasional articles on fatherhood, and then what a vasectomy is all about once the fathers have had all the kids they want, but nothing for CF guys.
ALAN, 53: Very little. One can find a small amount online by specifically Googling an appropriate phrase, but few articles in hard copy or standard news sites seem to regard it as a viable subject.
ANON, 26: I honestly have not came across anything at all discussing a child-free lifestyle short of maybe one or two articles about men who are infertile or have some other complication that prevents them from having a child. Usually those articles deal with how they may cope or work around the issue, but I’d hardly call that child-free by choice.
PAUL, 44: I’ll have to admit that I’ve NEVER seen an article in any of the magazines I read (Men’s Journal, Men’s Health—which I’ve only been getting 4 months or so) or any of the outdoor magazines I receive. It’s disappointing, to say the least.
What’s it been like to try to find a partner as a child-free man?
ERICH, 27: Am not sure if I’ll ever marry, so I don’t even take an interest in someone until I know they’re child-free. My or her being child-free really hasn’t been an issue with anyone, and it hasn’t been difficult to find anyone. More and more of us all the time.
JOSH, 36: I’ve only been looking again for a few months, but so far I’d classify it as near-impossible.
ANON, 26: Sometimes the partners I would hit it off with would run for the door at the thought of being with a guy on his ranch when confronted with the prospect of no children. I had given up on finding someone till I accidentally met my current girlfriend.
E. CARROLL, 48: Actually, for me, it wasn’t too terribly hard to find a childfree partner. I’d never have seriously dated or married a woman that wanted or already had kids, and I’d always made that clear after a fairly short period of going out.
Imagine your life with a child (your child) in it. What’s the first word that comes to mind?
ERICH, 27: PRISON.
ALAN, 53: NOOOOOOOO!
JOSH, 36: Trapped.
ANON, 26: Panic.
PAUL, 44: Trapped.
E. CARROLL, 48: Miserable.
Is there anything that could change your mind about children? Like a great love of your life?
ERICH, 27: It would be the great love of my life that would make me glad I had a vasectomy.
ALAN, 53: I doubt there would be anything that could change my mind about not wishing to father or adopt children of my own.
JOSH, 36: No, and I’m sterilized, so it can’t happen accidentally, either.
ANON, 26: I’ll admit to being in one particular relationship where I became tempted by the prospect of having a child. Though, the whole time, I felt uncomfortable about it. It stemmed from feeling a bit pressured. The emotional high we all can get being in a new relationship played a big role, as well. Worry of being alone was a feeling that entered my mind, too. Once I sorted through all my feelings, it wasn’t that my choice had changed at all—it was because of the above factors. Down the line, the emotional high would have subsided, the feeling of being pressured would have settled into resentment, and the act of wanting to belong would have isolated me. Not wanting to be alone would have become just that, and I’m certain I would have regretted it.
PAUL, 44: Never. I would never have a kid at 44 years old, anyway. It’s ridiculous.
E. CARROLL, 48: No, my decision about reproducing is mine to make, and stems from reasons that are critically important to me. I want to hold on to what makes me *ME*, and anybody who would want to change that obviously doesn’t care about the real me, they just want me to fit in the idea they have in their head about what they think I should be like.
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While these men and many others are certain they never want children, there are just as many men who fully intend to become parents when they find the right partner, the right adoption agency, the right timing, the right number of drinks … But, until that time, men of all types will probably continue to have their testicles scrutinized by strangers (figuratively speaking) who think they shouldn’t be “wasting” all that good sperm. And, as a child-free woman and a DINK, I have to say—awesome! Because we women would like to step back and hang out at the punch-and-brownies table while you figure out what to say to the “What? No kids?” questions, for a change. We really appreciate it.
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—Photo by Stephen Sheffield
About Sylvia D. Lucas
Well I read about people who do not want to have children and they say because they don’t want anything in their way to their freedom and also they say that they are being called selfish well I really don’t think that they are selfish however they can be self-centered they they don’t want anyone along them with them when they do things I am certain that these people love their work and love whatever they do which makes them happy and they definitely have common human lifestyle which is eating sleeping cleaning . Whatever people do it’s their choice made freely and consciously if they don’t want to have children it’s their choice however neither we should judge them nor they should give silly reasons so they are not being portrayed selfish or anyother names whatever as long as you are honest it’s fine please don’t give silly reasons like I am helping world not to get overpopulated well if you dont know what everyone in the world is going through please don’t worry yourself with that concern. And you feel panic with the thought of having a child around to be looked after I can assure you panic is felt by every person in earth so it’s not a foreign feeling and nothing comes in your way of freedom if you really want it that way and also Everywhere in the world there is freedom to do whatever you like not only in US. people are free they have their free will to want what they want. And please if you have children that you never wanted or are expecting a child that you didnt want please don’t raise them in a atmosphere where is filled with resentment and prison sort of place it’s not healthy for a child to be raised in that sort of atmosphere where the innocent child can’t even contemplate the emotions against him or her because of their unwantedness I am none of us want to feel that way
Also please be honest with yourself what you want and what you feel you could feel trapped with anyone and in situation having child is one of their own not The only one if you can party wlll night and puke after that and clean yourself because you love yourself and care about yourself you can do for someone else as well if you love them you see it’s really how you feel and what you want however I see here the wants and feeling are in much conflict which confuses the idea of main debate or discussion you don’t want to have children because you want to be looked after when you are old you want them because you would love to have them no matter what. I am sure you everyone loves their work and put your best in it sometimes there is reward and sometimes no however after performing the best there is this feeling if satisfaction and content it goes with everything every aspect of life people who want to have children and who do not want to have children must have right and honest reasons there are many people with kids and without kids successful who left their mark on society and history. Blaming child for your lack of freedom is attitude problem and having a child and then resenting and regretting is also a attitude problem child is special I am sure but we humans look after things and people we love and care if your computer is still new after 5 years with your devotion and care am sure you can look after child as well it just you don’t want to and people who have children and when these people call others who don’t want to have children are judgemental why it’s difficult to accept their free will it’s easy anyone can do anything they want with right reasons to themselves please don’t confuse others with choices you make with confused reasons and then think they call us wrong well at the end of the day it’s your choice you can’t certainly love the child and feel very very unhappy that’s funny you say that you love the child but it’s seems to me you remind your self that he or she is mistake by looking at her or him everytime and your attitude projects negativity towards the child which you didn’t wanted make a choice let him think that you don’t want to be around because of you freedom issue otherwise you will raise the child in a harmful atmosphere poor child he or she can’t even understand to make you happy in their innocence
Your comments would be much easier to read if you used punctuation.
I was unable to read these comments.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this article!
I’ve known I want to be child-free since age 10. The reason I do not want children is the same reason I wouldn’t choose to become an accountant–it doesn’t appeal to me*.
What if couples took all the time and energy it takes to raise children and put it towards their relationships with themselves and each other, and their friends and families? That sounds like a pretty happy life to me.
(*Not that there is anything accountants; of course, that is a wonderful profession and I value mine highly–sometimes I WISH I was good enough at math to become one; I am just using that to make a point.)
**Not that there is anything wrong with accountants; of course, that is a wonderful profession and I value mine highly–sometimes I WISH I was good enough at math to become one; I am just using that to make a point.)
I am 53 years old married to a asian girl for the past 5 years. I do not have any kids from previous relationships but I was acused of Fathering a child several years ago and it was not me, the women just blackmailed me for money only, I then made a deciesion to have a vasectomy as I did not want to go through that again. Back to my current situation, married a Asian girl who is 29 year of age, explained to her before married I cannot have children and do not want children as I was then around 47 years of age. now her sister is about to have a child and the pressure is on me to produce and i am standing my ground. over the past 5 years i have purchased a house for my wife who rents it as a business, i have purchased a small hote,bar,restaraunt as a inestment for later, meanwhile I am still holding down my normal job. my wife has become increasingly lazy because i will not give her what she wants and that is a child. i like my freedom, i like what wealth i have, i intend to retire early to enjoy my life, i have worked hard to do this, selfish or not, it is my desicion and i am not guilty. women forget that men have feelings also and when we are rejected by women, particualy when we are young, it can have a effect on us for the rest of our lives. life is not a dress rehearsall and i intend to make the best of it how i see fit, the door is always open if women think they can leave and do better for themselves but by crikey it will be shut if you dare come back and say you where wrong. women should understand where there bread is buttered best
Why in the world would you marry a young woman if you did not want to have children? Ever hear of biological clocks? Most of them have them. To expect a young person to be able to make such a serious decision about their reproductive life, well, I don’t think it’s fair. Your wife may of agreed at the time to doing things your way, but now she’s reconsidered and simple biology is on her side. We’re wired to reproduce for the survival of the species. I think divorce is in your future. She’s got until her early 40′s to have a child if she wants one. And if she truly does, you’re done.
In reply I married my young women because I love her and she loves me, as I said I explained the situation prior, and as for you saying divorce is on the cards you are talking out of your ar”"e.
Again you think some women can change the goal posts to suit themselves, I have seven sister- in -laws who don’t have a mother or father, I have put the youngest one through university at my costs, I have supported the others through difficult times, you don’t have to have a child to make you happy.
Perhaps one solution would be for her to father her child from a sperm bank or other. That way both of you could get your wishes.
I dont know if I would like to have children or not. I love to play with children but my reasons at least at the moment for not having children are philosophical. To quote Schopenhaur – “may I never transmit to anyone the boredom of existence”. I think I will be responsible for the pain and suffering and death of my children and I believe that there is more suffering than happiness in life. I am antinatalistic but I belief we should not add more slaves to the kindom of god. I love my children so much that I will not give them birth.
I met a wonderful man w/o kids 8 months ago. He said he was open to dating someone with kids. He doesn’t want any of his own. I respect that. I have two children 5 and 7 I don’t need to have any more. This fellow and I fell in love hard and fast. Our relationship was magic. We met each others families. We traveled. He met my children and saw them from time to time. Things were going smoothly. I always maintained that the children’s father has the responsibility to raise them with me and he is doing so. My boyfriend and I have careers that keep us busy. Every other weekend we had the option of spending time together alone. Every other weekend he had the option of joining me and the kids. Recently we broke up because he feels he just doesn’t want kids. I am sad because I believed we were made for each other. He felt the same. I guess we were wrong. I dont feel like I can mourn the loss of him in my life because my path was chosen 8 years ago. This will never change. But in a life time, ten years until these children get indpendant and go create a life for themselves is not that long. When the kids leave we would have our relationship left and the companion we chose to love and hopefully no less richer life for it. I feel so sad to loose this special man. I didn’t want to move in right now or go on family vacations together. I just wanted to enjoy some of my free time with the man I fell in-love with and felt so adored by. for anyone on the dating scene wanting to “try it out” don’t. If you know you don’t want kids, Stick with it and don’t sway. Be true to yourself as I am true to me for choosing my children. Finding the “girl of your dreams” doesn’t warrant you using her as a guinea pig to see if you can wrap your head around a different kind of life. Set those moms free. Single moms probably have had enough heart break for one lifetime.
“I don’t want children”, until you have them of course & you realise that you did want them after all. It’s not a question of wanting/not wanting…that’s a decision women make & men are the conduit. No man says “I want to have children”, because HE CAN’T unless a woman consents to it, whereas women can pursue various avenues to acquire a child.
More and more men are simply giving up on the whole wife, kids, family choice…it’s a fucking drag let’s face it.
I enjoyed reading this piece. I’ve never had any desire to have a child, but I run into guys ALL the time who either have children or want children. Ironically enough I prefer guys who have children because they’ve more than likely got the amount they want. It’s the guys without children or the ones who want more who make me extremely nervous because I know eventually the conversation is going to come up about me not wanting kids. I actually had a guy slam the phone down on me for saying I didn’t want kids and him wondering how do I know he wouldn’t change my mind. People with children or those who want children don’t understand that it’s not about YOU. Someone who doesn’t want children has already made the decision not to drink the kool-aid so your peer pressure won’t work either. I’ve found it easier to have that conversation off top so there’s no room for an argument about it later. I like children that can go home.
Hi everybody,
I would like to answer the questions posted on the article above and you can drive to your own conclusions.
A bit of background info: I am a divorced man, just turned 40, raised in Latin America, but living in the US for the past 15 years.
1. Why don’t you want kids?
My first reaction to this question is “is it mandatory?”.
I understand that evolution dictates procreation as a way of maintaining the species, and religion often states procreation is one of the main the purposes of marriage. But living in the 21st century, is this still a “mandatory” result of the adult life of a man or a woman? If we have been able to put aside all other primary instincts in order to live in a civilized society, why do the still linger with this one?
Personally, I don’t feel the need of having children. That simple.
It has been said than answering a question with a another question shows stupidity… but why would you want to have kids in today’s world?
2. Do you ever feel judged for not wanting children? If so, by whom?
All the time, people on my own demographics. It is unconventional to have this set of mind and people tend to judge. I guess if I don’t produce 3.5 kids as Latino man, I am out of whack…
3. Whether reading men’s magazines or articles online, have you found much literature that represents, discusses, or explores child-free men (before DINKlife of course)?
Not really. Child rearing is more focused toward women.
4. What’s it been like to try to find a partner as a child-free man?
Can’t really answer this question. I married a girl who agreed with me on this issue. But as time went by (a decade to be precise) she changed her mind, I didn’t. We recently got divorced and I am not looking for a new relationship right away.
5. Imagine your life with a child (your child) in it. What’s the first word that comes to mind?
Curve ball. It means that my partner made a one-sided decision and I now I have to face the consequences. I am considering a vasectomy to avoid being put in this situation in the future.
6. Is there anything that could change your mind about children? Like a great love of your life?
Never say never, right? But is unlikely. I already found what I believe is the love of my life and this didn’t change the way I feel toward kids.
I’m 28 yrs old and have known since I was a child myself that I never wanted any. I get so tired of people saying the reason why you don’t want kids is because you are selfish or self centered, maybe some of us just don’t want that and have no desire to procreate! And other thing….with society how it is nowadays and it being hard to get by…why would you want to?
Having been married for ten years, going through ivf to have the ONE child I do, and realizing how challenging, expensive and frustrating it can be to raise a child in today’s society…I’m glad I only had the one! I am often told I am selfish for only having ONE. And while I love him and am glad that I have him in my life, I can totally respect how others feel about their decision to NOT have any children. It is a deeply personal decision, and not to be criticized or judged. I have several guy friends who have made no bones about how they do not want children, and yet all of them are interested, and somewhat successful, at maintaining a committed relationship despite their feelings on children. You have the life you choose to have, regardless on whether or not you decide to share that life with offspring.
I enjoyed this articles so much. I do not want children because I do not want children. Simple as that.
I am seriously on a mission to get my tubes permanently blocked.
I am finding it hard to find a guy who feels the same way I do around here.
Sometimes I feel the guy says he wants kids to try to get me, which backfires because I won’t date a man who did. It causes a circle of “gettung no where”.
Sigh … I just wish therer were more men around where I lived that wanted to be child “free” by choice, too.
= (
Mar-Taja… I know exactly where you are coming from. It is very difficult to find a man who feels the same way. I just hope you stay true to you and don’t change how you feel because you feel like you have to in order to have a relationship. I’ve heard of women doing that and in the end they end up paying the price.
It breaks my heart to read these comments. Not because of your choices but because of the confirmation knowing that I just don’t want children. Reading these comnents confirms i prob will never change my mind. I recently just split up from a 7 year relationship with a woman I want to spent the rest of my life with. But we couldn’t carry on knowing we wanted different paths. I feel so lonely and pressured into believing there is something wrong with me because of my choices.
Well I must be an alien from mars or something.
I don’t want children but I’m actually looking for single moms to date. Why? because they already have their own so they (potentially) wont ask for more.
Yes, I know, I’ll end up being a father figure to the kid(s) but I don’t mind. I don’t dislike children.
I just don’t want a small Steve that’s all, because if he fails at something I will feel like I failed him in some way. If he’s not tall enough, it’ll be because of me, at least 50% of it (I’m decently tall but no Jordan and I tend to like petite women).
And quite honestly being a kid sucks, you have to follow all these rules, it took me 21 years to become independent and the master of my own life, 21 years is a long sentence and one time was enough.
That said, if I meet a woman with kids, that’s perfect, the kids are already there and if I could help in any way, I’m willing to. If they fail in any way, I can be supportive but I don’t have to feel responsible for it, they’re not my blood.
I have created a page on Facebook, I Don’t Want Kids and That’s OK for those us of who wish to not have kids and would like a place to vent, share stories or feel like your not alone.
i never thought abouts kids until now when my bro had a baby girl,she is 4 now and we love her,such pride and joy.im 48,and left my job take over my life,was very fulfilled,hadnt time think bout kids,i was made redundant and what was it all for.i bitterly regret not making a plan,have a partner,that wasnt the prob,he went along with what ever i wanted.now i think he regrets our just job filled lives.ive learn from bitter experience,u shoud go with the natural way of life if u meet someone u genuinly get on with,make a plan.any comments,i should have done where u see yourself in 5yrs.