From Katherine Heigl movies to the Great Potty Disparity, writer Jerry Mahoney calls out Mommification
Nice try, New Yorker cover. Hey, can you tell me where to find that park where there are so many cool dads that moms feel left out, because I have a feeling you need to live in a cartoon in order to get there. I’ve been doing the stay-home dad thing for going on three years now, and I still feel like Marisa Tomei at Hillman College, if you know what I mean.
According to the 2010 census, there are 154,000 stay-home dads in the U.S.
154,000? That’s not even a lot of people in Delaware. Isn’t that exactly the number of Wayans brothers? We couldn’t take over Lichtenstein with those numbers. You really think we’re taking over parks?
Look, I’m not one to cry “oppression.” I’m a middle-class white male, after all. My kind have had it pretty good for the last few millennia or so. Yes, I’m also gay, but let’s put that aside for a minute. Other than that, I’m fairly demographically charmed.
Still, I’m in a minority group because of what I do for a living, and as a result I face a particular kind of prejudice on a daily basis.
That’s right. I’m talking about “Dadscrimination.” There may be more of us than there used to be, but in a lot of ways, the world still doesn’t get us. We’re second-class parents, a joke or an afterthought. Yo, it’s hard out here for a Daddy.
From the serious to the semantic, here are just a few of the ways dads get the shaft:
The Mommification of Everything Parent-Related
You never see “Men at Work” signs anymore. It’s always “Crew Working In Trees”. We don’t call them “Policemen” or “Mailmen”, they’re “Officers” and “Postal workers.” But when it comes to parenting, everything’s “Mommy”. “Mommy movies”, “Mommy & Me” classes, “Mommy wars”, “Mommy Zumba”. It’s as if the M-word is synonymous with “parent”. No matter what barriers we break down in terms of gender inequality, inclusiveness goes out the window once you have kids.
I’ll admit I’ve never been to a Mommy movie, mostly because neither my kids nor I are interested in a film whose title is preceded by the words “Katherine Heigl in…”.
I did take a Mommy & Me class when my kids were young, although I think the kids and I all snuck in through the “Me” loophole. Some parenting groups won’t even allow men. I get it. Ladies want to talk about breastfeeding (and do it) in privacy. But until there are enough stay-home dads to sustain a decent-sized get-together, we don’t have a lot of places to turn for information. I’m going to vouch for straight dads, too. They’re not trying to look at your boobs. We’re all just doing it for our kids, so please let us crash your party.
The Boob Tube
If you’ve ever turned on TV between when school starts and the work day ends, you know it’s slim pickins for anyone with a moderate amount of testosterone in their system. Good thing we have Tivo, On Demand and Netflix Instant or we’d be stuck with nothing but endless infotainment featuring doctors, judges and chattering coffee-sippers sitting on stools. You
Who says wiping poopy tushies is just a woman’s job? If dads aren’t changing their kids, they should be.
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know what I’m talking about: The “The” shows. “The View”, “The Talk”, “The Chew.” Yes, there’s really a show called “The Chew,” and if I didn’t love my kids so much, that alone would be reason enough to go back to work and throw them in day care.
Of course, no one is blinder to the existence of stay-home dads than advertisers. Check the commercial breaks during those aforementioned shows, and you’ll see what I mean. Look, I buy the Lemon Pledge in my family. Would it kill you to show a dude dusting his fine wooden surfaces now and then?
The Great Potty Disparity
Nowhere is the disparity between dads and moms more obvious or extreme than in public restrooms. I’ve already written about one bad experience I had at a children’s play center, but it’s an ongoing concern. Too many businesses only put changing tables in the women’s bathrooms, which is not just dadscrimination but sexist, too. Who says wiping poopy tushies is just a woman’s job? If dads aren’t changing their kids, they should be.
There’ve been times I’ve had to wait outside a women’s bathroom until the coast was clear so I could go in and change a diaper. Other times, I’ve had to lay my kid down on a scummy men’s room floor in the shadow of a urinal or take them back to my car just to get the job done.
Perv stares at the park
I don’t hover over my kids at the park, but I’m always watching them closely from afar, for two very important reasons: 1, so they don’t get seriously hurt and 2, so they’re not snatched up by a perv.
We all know public recreation areas are pedophile smorgasbords, but here’s the irony: While I’m standing there by myself, eyes narrowly focused on a child who’s frolicking far off, then turning occasionally in a different direction to eyeball my other kid, what do I look like? That’s right…
A LOUSY, STINKING PERV.
Ask any dad, and he’ll tell you: In a Mommy’s world, you are assumed creepy until proven otherwise.
Stay-home dads often fit the perv profile—middle-aged guys who look tired and unshaven, wearing yesterday’s Spaghetti-O-stained t-shirt and seeming as if they didn’t have time to take a shower that morning. We spend a lot of time at playgrounds and toy stores. And if you catch us in a moment when our kids aren’t eagerly tugging at our pant legs and begging us for some Dora the Explorer fruit snacks, we might look like we’re just there to case the joint.
In researching this piece, I came across this post from Daddy Dialectic, who faced the ultimate indignity. Someone actually asked him to leave a park because she assumed he was a predator. He did a survey and found out it was more common than he thought. Having read that, I consider myself lucky that that’s never happened to me.
When I get a perv stare, I’m always quick to establish contact with my kids, just to prove my credibility. Of course, that only works when your kids back you up. One time, while my daughter was throwing a tantrum at Target, she yelled out, “Where’s my Mommy?” That’s the only time that’s ever happened, but if the wrong person had been listening, I could’ve ended up in a one-on-one with store security. Thanks, kid.
Mommy cliquishness
I thought my days of feeling hopelessly uncool ended with high school, but that was before I tried striking up conversations with stay-home moms. Anywhere moms gather, dads are outcasts.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing a Family Bathroom, because I know it’s well-equipped and Dad-friendly. I know a lot of small businesses don’t have the funds or the square footage to add a third bathroom, let alone one with curtain-shielded rocking chairs for discreet feeding. But at any public establishment that welcomes families, Koala Kares in the men’s room are a must, or personally, I’m going to find somewhere else to pump my kids full of chicken fingers.
At least this is one area where gay dads have an edge. Once I out myself, moms tend to get friendlier. Maybe their real fear is that I’ll be some suave male homewrecker like Patrick Wilson in Little Children.
I suspect it’s something deeper and darker. Most women just don’t respect men who stay home with their kids. They see other women raising kids and think, sure, she’s a traditionalist or a post-modern feminist proving she doesn’t need a career to be a strong woman. Go, sister!
When they see a man raising kids, they think he’s lazy. They can’t help imagining his poor wife busting her ass trying to make partner while he stays home wearing flip-flops and eating Fritos on the couch.
The presumption of cluelessness
When Drew and I were exploring our parenting options, we saw a counselor to help us sort things out. She was smart, supportive and extremely helpful. She quickly became one of my favorite people I’ve ever met.
Then, after the kids were born, I lamented how hard it was sometimes to soothe them when they were crying. Our counselor just shrugged and said, “Well, you’re a dude.”
I was stunned, but I’ve since realized that’s how a lot of people think. “That poor guy, alone with his kids. He must be in over his head.”
Thanks, I’m doing fine, and you can spare me your advice, strangers. I prefer to screw my kids up my way, not yours.
OK, fair enough. Moms get unsolicited advice, too, and they hate it just as much. Maybe this is one area where dads are catching up to moms faster than we’d like.
I know dadscrimination isn’t the worst form of bias. Nobody’s making us sit in the back of any buses or denying us the right to vote. I won’t be leading any marches on Washington or trying to become daddyhood’s Malcolm X. Mostly, I just wanted a chance to vent.
Aren’t dads allowed to complain once in a while, too?
OK, gotta go. My kids are waking up.
This article originally appeared on Mommy Man
—Photo by rahuldlucca/Flickr
I love this! I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for 8 years and have encountered everything written here. But I do’t mind being left out of the mommy groups at the park. I’d rather sit on a bench and rest a bit while my kids play. No rest for the at-home parent.
Oh my gosh. So men are judged for being stay at home fathers, but also for not providing women equal work opportunities, and also for being creepers just for looking after kids. I really do try to be compromising man and encourage equality, but seriously, IS THERE ANY WAY TO BE A MAN THAT IS NOT ETHICALLY OFFENSIVE?!?!? Seriously, someone just tell me a way I can exist that won’t cause righteous outrage and I will jump on that. I just want to not be a villain and this should not be too much to ask. By the way, as… Read more »
By the way, as a drinking fountain enthusiast I totally understand the dark looks around parks. I don’t! I blame it on bad maths classes and people being so arrogant they can never get anything wrong. When it comes to all forms of abuse against adults and kids by men and women (more controversial and not easily accepted though statistically very significant) the venue is Behind Closed Doors At The Victim/Abusers Home/Place of residence. If you want to catch abusers and prosecute or just plain persecute, watching a drinking fountain in the park is a bad technique with real low… Read more »
“Seriously, someone just tell me a way I can exist that won’t cause righteous outrage and I will jump on that.”
1. Be Yourself;
2. Don’t apologize for that;
3. Don’t let the bastards get you down; and
4. F****k ’em if they can’t take a joke.
You don’t “own” their outrage, righteous or not. Remember, you are a guy. Part of your “male-privilege” is that you don’t have to care if somebody else gets in a tizzy over what you did, as long as you are doing the right thing.
-Jut
You Missed Option 5. Wear A Burka so no one can see you is a guy…. oh but that just opens up a whole other can of worms and terrors! Sorry ! I’ll Think Again! P^/
Mind you I wonder who would be shunned most in the park – the evidently deviant guy with the kid who looks so suspicious and has to be watched and monitored – or the gal in the Burka?
Yeah how does a single Dad change his daughter in public when there is no family restroom? I saw a Dad take his 6 year old to the bathroom and rather than creeping him out by watching where he went i wondered. Which restroom CAN he go to. I would feel uncomfortable bringing a female child into the mensroom but not the opposite. Perhaps because they have stalls and change tables.
GG, check out the comment I made above to Brian Fordham. My daughter’s just starting to go by herself so I have to either bring her in with me when no one’s in there, or stand outside the women’s room door for ten minutes, glancing inside and calling her name whenever anyone passes by. I call her name to lessen the perv element. A woman waiting by a men’s room door, would it be presumed she’s waiting for her son and, if so, why is it so different for a guy? We’ve got a long way to go to shake… Read more »
Sarah, 100%.
I love your article! I agree completely! You also just gave me a brief education in the hardships of fatherhood! I am a single mom of 5, from 7 months old to 18 year old special needs twins. Society is proving such ignorance still remains! Sad! It took an X AND Y chromosome to make a child, therefore Both are qualified! Keep your awesome Daddy chin up…you Are making a difference!
Ps. I will take my child to Any bathroom available! A Parent deserves passage to Anywhere a child does, period! So join the Mommy groups and educate them, ignorance then will no longer remain! Break down the barriers! The world Needs to see that Dads are equal parents and its the women who need to be educated and the men encouraged now!
Daci – you are missing out the issue of the need for “Institutional Change” and even Institutional Changing Facilities. In the UK and Europe the simple issue of being able to change a poopy butt is getting tackled. By law, businesses over a certain size servicing the public (Especial Food Related) are obliged to provide toilets/bathrooms for everyone and without any form of discrimination – be that gender – disability – age. For many years a few provided baby change facilities in the ladies restroom. That got challenged as lack of toileting/changing facility discriminated against THE CHILD – age discrimination.… Read more »
Although the article appeared to focus on the stay at home dad, I would like to point out that there are a lot of working dads who are very active in their kids’ lives. The role of the dad, working or not, is far from being recognized on the same level as the mom. Slippery slope is what I’m seeing. In the last election, the wife of one of the candidates was admonished for her views of elevating the stay at home moms . In a society that appears to down grade the stay at home mom setting, where are… Read more »
My biggest gripe is the lack of changing tables in the men’s room. This past summer, while visiting an overpriced restaurant on the Portland Oregon waterfront, I found the occasion to need to change my (then 16 month old) son’s diaper. Adjacent to the restrooms, was an empty lounge (mainly used for pre-dinner cocktails and happy hours, capacity of perhaps 200 people…there were 4 in the room at the time) where I found a table located in an out of the way, corner of the room and proceeded to lay my son’s blanket down to protect him from the table… Read more »
What would you have done?
Stood behind you all the way!
And I have a terrible habit of asking really impertinent questions with an operatically trained voice! Works Wonders. P^)
In the six years I’ve been primary caretaker (this is a misnomer–its more like primary 4-day workweek caretaker), I’ve seen an increase in “family bathrooms,” which is nice. I had one old codger at the swimming pool, which hasn’t been renovated since this guy was a kid, glance at my three-year-old daughter and say, “Isn’t there somewhere else for her to go?” Comments like those make me dream of violence.
Fantastic Article!!! As a highly involved, but not stay-at-home dad, I’ve had many of these same experiences.
Want to talk about “dadscrimination” check the index in the ever popular “What to expect” series. The only listing under Father is “unsupportive.” Talk about a punch to the gut.
I don’t know,when my kids were small(some time ago), even though I wasn’t the ‘stay at home’ parent, I still did everything with them and for them when we were togeather. I mean, I started changing diapers in the hospital when they were born. Anyway, working in costruction, sometimes I’d have ‘Down Time’ between projects, or I’d be working nights. Then it was off to the park to feed the ducks or we’d hit the playground(I’d scope out the area to find the best ones). I’m sure I got some ‘funny’ looks, not that I bothered to notice.I also got… Read more »
Yes, the author has a point about parenting often being synonymous with mothers but is it really that big of a deal? I just spent the last 6 weeks at home after getting laid off from my job and I never once felt anything approaching “dadscrimination.” Maybe I don’t feel oppressed because I live in a neighborhood with a lot of stay-at-home dads and we have some support from other guys in a similar situation. I’d also point out that there is actually a show on TV called “Guys with Kids” and rather than portraying them as barely functioning dolts,… Read more »
I do like this – it is quite Lovely and amusing, except for the experience of being paedoed. I’ve had that one whilst looking after nieces and nephews – and I have to say it was not nice and I had to bite very hard. I’m also very interested by the stats on the Daddy Dialectic page. WTF? The survey is valid as are the questions – and the findings fascinating. 24% Twenty-four percent said that they had been refused entry to a gathering of parents and children. 58% Fifty-eight percent of participants felt that this criticism or exclusion occurred… Read more »
You know it’s going to be interesting whenever someone writes a post about discrimination against men but pads it will a few lines of “Men are oh so privileged!” and “But men really don’t have it that bad.”). Nice little buffer put in there so that we can keep believing that being male is a cake walk. I don’t hover over my kids at the park, but I’m always watching them closely from afar, for two very important reasons: 1, so they don’t get seriously hurt and 2, so they’re not snatched up by a perv. We all know public… Read more »
interesting
Women are cliquish. As a non-mother, I get excluded by other women both directly and subtly. Moms form cliques and exclude other moms. They snub moms who serve the wrong kind of snacks or shop at the wrong grocery store. SAHM’s snub working moms. Working moms look down on SAHM’s. Just google “mommy wars”…. I can only imagine what it is like for a dad to run into this.
I actually visited Brooklyn last week and saw more dads than moms in a Prospect Park playground. Although it might have just seemed that way because we stand out more. Also, look at me making a whole comment without referencing the “men dusting wooden surfaces” sentence!
“My kind have had it pretty good for the last few millennia or so.”
Except for 2 world wars, a few mega wars, a few empires rising n falling worth of your kind dying on battlefields
“Ask any dad, and he’ll tell you: In a Mommy’s world, you are assumed creepy until proven otherwise.”
Mommy’s are sexist?
The perv stare is enough for me to never want a career in childcare, the pedo hysteria makes me nervous around kids so I generally avoid em.
““My kind have had it pretty good for the last few millennia or so.” Except for 2 world wars, a few mega wars, a few empires rising n falling worth of your kind dying on battlefields” Here, here brother! Our history books even show that the aggressors and “winners” from nearly all of those conflicts and wars were white, upper-to-middle-class men. Oh wait….. On to more logical things: I totally agree with the article in so many ways. My mom and dad were discussing over Thanksgiving about how horrible my store tantrums were (I freely admit they should have just… Read more »
Love it Jerry. Thanks for bringing this one to our readers!