Stephane Wahl doesn’t have a son, but she and her husband are taking responsibility for raising good men, too…
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Thanks to websites like The Good Men Project, there are any number of articles out there on how to raise your son to be just that – a good man. To raise him to be kind, and considerate. To help him avoid pitfalls like meaningless relationships and slut shaming. To model for him what it means to be a man, or how the person he eventually ends up with should treat him. And that is wonderful. I love that this is a discussion that’s going on. There is no manual for parenting, so we all have to help each other.
I would say, however, that the parents of daughters also have a responsibility for helping to raise and create good men. I started thinking about this right after Meredith was born. You see, for most of my pregnancy, I (and many around me) thought I was having a boy. I thought about how to show him what love should look like, how to make sure he was sensitive and empathetic without making him a mama’s boy. How to make sure he had time for rough and tumble play without letting him get wrapped up in the perceived manliness of unnecessary aggression. When I found out I had a girl, I immediately flipped to making sure she was polite and friendly without letting people walk all over her. Making sure she was allowed to get dirty and be active without sacrificing manners.
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But all of those plans from before were still nagging at the back of my mind. And that’s when I realized – there is a great likelihood that my daughter will one day date men. Marry a man. Somewhere out there is another person whose future is tied up with hers. I don’t know his parents (well, maybe I do – I certainly wouldn’t mind if she married our friends’ adorable 2 year old son eventually), and I don’t know how he will be raised. I can’t affect what school he goes to, what beliefs he’s raised with, or his outlook on life. So instead, I will affect my daughter’s expectations.
By expecting a man to have honesty, care, empathy, and respect, Meredith will encourage the men she is friends with and eventually dates to embody these traits.
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The first way to do this is one I’ve already taken care of. Many women end up marrying a man who is like their father. I understand that it doesn’t always work this way, but one of the best things to do is have your children with a man you’d be ok with them emulating, or their spouse emulating. I will use my relationship with Mike to show her what she should expect out of a relationship. And that is so important. Too often, men’s bad behaviors or emotional distance are excused with “boys will be boys” or “guys just don’t do that emotional stuff.” And when nothing is what’s expected of you, it’s easier to fall into those behaviors. By expecting a man to have honesty, care, empathy, and respect, Meredith will encourage the men she is friends with and eventually dates to embody these traits.
Secondly, I will make sure that she understands that being a “man” does not have to mean being stoic, having the body of a superhero, or exerting power over others. I’ve heard women espouse such sentiments as “I want my men to be men.” This only reinforces for men that they can’t show their emotions, that they can’t have non-sport/car/gun interests, and that they cannot just relax and be themselves unless their “self” fits into one particular tiny box. The men in my daughter’s life will be encouraged to be a man in whatever way works for them. They can play with her dolls or share their trucks with her when they’re little. They can have a tea party or play touch football. They will be able to watch boxing or garden, to play hockey or Dungeons and Dragons, to put “Rocky” or “When Harry Met Sally” on Netflix (if it even exists when she’s that age).
I will teach her to be all of the things that she would expect a man to be with her
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And finally, I will teach her to be all of the things that she would expect a man to be with her – patient, loving, empathetic, a good listener, respectful, and supportive. To share and to be open. To insist on respect for herself. To work on conflict resolution instead of conflict avoidance.
I think any parent believes that anyone would be lucky to marry their daughter. But I’d also like to think that she’ll find someone she’s lucky to have as well. And I’ll do whatever I can to help her in that pursuit. The men in her life (especially those she may end up raising one day), will live up or down to her expectations, so I want to work with her to set those expectations as high (but still realistic) as possible.
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For more by Stephane Wahl, read: Why My Husband Will Never Have a “Good Wife” or Two Hearts … No, Make That Three.
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Image: Donnie Ray Jones/Flickr
Stephane, I liked your introspection and thought toward raising your daughter to have a healthy respect and care for the men in her life. These are principles I’d love to teach a daughter if I ever have one.
Thank you, Erin. Parenting is such a learn as you go process, and I know that the way I approach this will change as she gets older. But whomever she ends up with, I want her to have as healthy and happy relationship as I do with my husband.
This is a nice idea, it really is. But unfortunately that’s not going to work. At least not how you picture it. Some things can’t be taught. Some things have to be experienced. And your daughter will probably have to make a lot of mistakes before she will truly know, what a man is and what she might want from one. When I read your words one thing kept popping up: what about our nature? What about the animalistic part of us, that is out of our control, that probably is a lot more in control than we want or… Read more »
I agree with what you’re saying – I know that parenting can’t subvert nature. And I’m certainly not saying men can’t be aggressive. The point I was trying to make there, apparently not as well as I thought, was that being aggressive and macho all the time isn’t the only way to be a man. Thank you for your perspective – I always appreciate insight on my writing.
As a man and as a father of both a daughter and a son, I respectfully disagree. Aggression is certainly part of human nature (and an important one! How else would we have had the audacity to master flight as the Wright brothers did or put together the greatest navy in the world as Elizabeth I did) but it’s not confined to either gender. It’s an emotional drive that should be subject to the same self-control as any other emotion. That’s true of every person (male or female). If the idea is that we’re subject to our natural impulses and… Read more »
Thank you for the perspective, Pluto – I definitely appreciate where you’re coming from. I agree with you for the most part. I know that my daughter will make mistakes. I actually write her letters for her to read when she’s older, and have told her that I’d actually like her to date the wrong man at least once (provided he’s not wrong because he’s abusive) so she can appreciate the right one, more. Having been a young woman, I definitely remember my errors in judgment. I just want to do whatever I can to help her avoid whichever ones… Read more »