Bill Douglas is motivational divorced dad who has inspired hundreds. He may be up against his greatest challenge: his son. How can he help the young man he admires most reach his full potential? Oh yeah, and the ex is not exactly helping.
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I accept that some people aren’t meant for college, but my son is NOT one of them. He’s a genius. Wicked smart, witty, brilliant. Yes, I know every dad brags about their son or daughter, but JB truly is gifted. Tests and teachers have proven it.
My family went to college. I was raised knowing I would go to college, and I planted those seeds in my son early and often. However, his mother did not go to college nor did her family. Therein lies the rub. She knows and even says he is extremely intelligent, yet planted the idea in his head to commute to a local college. I am an advocate for the “all in” experience of living on campus. Anyone that has done that understands why.
You know I get along fine with my ex; I respect her. My son adores her.
Fact: She is not a proponent of higher education.
We differ greatly here. I believe in lifelong learning and in earning a living by creating value in our capitalist economy, not by trading hours. She enjoys a structured job and settling in for life’s duration. Neither of us is wrong relative to our own selves, we are simply very, very different. And it’s times like this it’s empirically clear why we are not married.
Relative to our son, I see this discrepancy as a serious matter. It’s something very, very important to me, worth fighting for.
Result: JB is not motivated for college.
He cruised through high school unchallenged. Bored, even. It became very easy for him to be lazy. He applied for colleges late, missing the normal deadlines and early scholarship funds. I am accountable for this. I should have switched his high school, despite his mother’s resistance. I should have held him more accountable for performance and engagement. Hindsight is 20/20 of course. And, we are in the present. So, let me get back there….
JB has been accepted to the college of his choice. Very late, but he’s in. Great, right? Well, his brother and I seem to be the only ones excited about it. If we don’t bring it up, it’s not even a topic of discussion. I’m struggling… I’m very pleased he’s decided to go to a top school; however I’m worried he’s not taking this opportunity seriously, despite conversation upon conversation directly with him. Even his brother has tried.
And the only place he hears positive, growth-oriented thinking is when he’s at my house every other week.
I don’t have answers for you this week. Instead, I’m airing my concerns and highlighting the fact that parenting differences can become massive after divorce. Such differences no doubt affect the children of divorce, regardless of age. This magnitude of a difference – the disparancy in thinking (e.g. status quo versus changing the world) may not surface for years, but if it does it’s difficult to change its negative effects in short order.
Still, “Life is a Gift” and I am blessed to be the father of these young men.
Thanks for listening.
~ bill
30 years of strategic, entrepreneurial business growth along with two brushes with death have earned him the tag “ResilienceGuy”. Bill Douglas is an accomplished Mentor, Coach & Speaker helping entrepreneurs & executives with growth and strength.
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Photo: Flickr/Oregon State University
Bill – I am experiencing similar circumstances with my son, but different age! My son was in the 5th grade when my husband left – my son was a straight A student and won the highest achievement award for his 5th grade class. Fast forward to 7th grade – he is motivated to do nothing except play video games and fiddle on his computer. His grades – on a good day – hover in the “C” range. On occasion, I ask my ex-husband to speak to him about specific teacher requests, the ex tells him he should do his work… Read more »