The day her hero took his own life changed her forever.
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This Father’s Day will be the 27th one without my dad. Tragically, he committed suicide back when I was in college. Unfortunately, for some of us, Father’s Day isn’t a time to celebrate with the dad we love. It’s more a time of reflection on who he was and what our childhood was because of his influence. My dad was the most fun, creative, imaginative person in the world. He was my hero, and I loved him very much. I still do. My childhood was a good one despite his challenges.
I remember the day my mom found out about him having an affair..
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As a young kid, it was great having an adult that all the other children wished they had as a parent. He would take me for bike rides and let me decide which way to go even if it were so far from the house we arrived back home after dark. He would have me race alongside our old Ford down the long driveway of the college where he taught, and I can still hear him yelling out of the window how many miles-per-hour I was running. He allowed my sister and me to eat strawberries right off the vine in my grandfather’s garden as we pretended not to hear Maw-Maw’s pleas from the porch to, “please wash them first.” These are the memories I cherish and choose to keep.
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My dad also had ADHD, bipolar disorder and suffered from seasonal depression. I have memories of him running in and out of the house a lot and often being away from home on “business trips.” I remember the day my mom found out about him having an affair; I was eight years old. Shortly afterward, we moved. We moved numerous times because he couldn’t hold a job; though I didn’t understand why back then. He was very smart and held positions such as teaching in a college to being an associate minister of a church; yet, in the end, he delivered newspapers while seeking regular employment. The spiral downward was sad.
One day he decided that he just was no longer going to take his medicine. He told a family member that he didn’t like the blah feeling it gave him. He simply wanted to be and feel like his natural self. No one then would have guessed the consequences of his nature. And while I feel horrible thinking of his suffering, I can’t help but wonder who I would’ve become had he remained alive all of these years. I know I am forever shaped by the circumstance, but I believe all men have a profound impact on their children. I suppose I am more shaped by his influence, however, short-lived it was.
My hope is that you consider all of this and be mindful because your biggest fan is always watching.
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Ours was a home full of hustle and bustle but also full of love. What some see as chaos others view as excitement and fun. Knowing what I know now about my dad’s mental health doesn’t change how I feel about him but I do now see why there were many challenges my family had that others’ seemingly didn’t. We moved a lot, and I had to make new friends every time. My dad liked to wear costumes to parties and dance like a robot in front of these new friends. I recall many embarrassing moments. Begrudgingly, we tried the new things that he was into like clowning, kiting, camping. Fast forward to now and I see these make for great stories to share with others as well as memories of time spent together.
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The takeaway is to know that as a man, as a father, your influence is great. Your joys and sorrows become your child’s memories. Your presence is intoxicating, and your absence is felt. The choices you make will impact more than just you. It is okay to have challenges and even fail. Know you are the role model and when you draw lines in the sand and take a definitive stance on an issue, it is noticed. I am strong and caring like my dad. I am an out-of-the-box thinker like him though less impulsive. I’m fun, creative, and imaginative. I also know that it’s okay to make mistakes; I’m still a lovable person. My hope is that you consider all of this and be mindful because your biggest fan is always watching.
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Photo: Flickr/ Angelo Ghigi
Jennie- what a moving and touching message! Thank you for sharing.
In particular, what you said about “Your joys and sorrows become your child’s memories” definitely resonates. And no doubt will resonate with others too.
I hope so, Mike. I believe that stepping outside of one’s self, even for a moment, enables us to better understand our impact upon others. It’s a rather awesome concept.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, you made my day!
This is such a great entry. The last paragraph is stunning. Thank you for sharing this. Very touching and real.
Thanks for taking the time to share that with me, Ron. It means the world to me to hear it touched you.
My Dad’s always been my hero, too. Our disagreements (up to now) don’t change how I look at him, if not, it only strengthens my bond with him.
Dads are great. They’re cool. I love your positivity even though your Dad went on a “downward spiral”. But I say it’s only a matter of understanding. You can’t go wrong about their love, but as you grow older you’d get to see the bigger picture, always, guided by that love. (Such a powerful thing, ain’t it?)
What a touching story. Thanks for sharing it, Jennie.
Thank you, Ethan. Dad’s are great. Ironically, I attribute a lot of my positive attitude to him. He certainly was an inspiring influence in my life.
I appreciate your comments. Keep enjoying your dad!
Jennie, what a strikingly personal, poignant and intensely important message this is. ‘Your joys and sorrows become your child’s memories.” And when that is about a parent imploding (or exploding) into a mental illness? It can be awful for a child. It is frequently left unexplained. The child is left to try to figure it out on their own.
That can and should be changed. We know so much more now. Thank you for being a voice for that change.
Dr. Rutherford,
Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to respond. I’m certainly grateful to have the opportunity to be one of those voices!
Beautiful message for all Dads.