Father Time is a weekly column dedicated to the concept of time in a parent’s life, particularly a father’s life. The point of view comes from a father of two young sons, both under three-years-old, and how time really is just that: a concept.
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We know a year is 365 days. A month, about 30. And in a day, there’s 24 hours. So how long then, is a phase?
For starters, a phase isn’t a unit of time measurement. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines the noun as: a distinct period or stage in a process of change or forming part of something’s development. This may be the most frustrating characteristic of a phase. There is no set end point. It’s not something as cut and dry as a jiffy, which, if you didn’t know, is the time it takes light to travel one centimeter in a vacuum (approximately 33.3564 picoseconds). Duh.
Right now, my wife and I are in the “kids-come-first” phase, in which virtually every action in and outside of the home is to support the well-being of our small children.
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We know what phases are, and they can last a long time. In terms of our own development, we all went through certain phases or another, whether it was the way we did, or didn’t do things, the things we liked or didn’t liked, or the way we communicated or behaved. I can distinctly recall my Smurf phase in which I collected every Smurf ever made. It was an awkward, albeit Smurfy phase.
Now, as a husband and father, I clearly see and experience phases in the context of my relationship with my wife, and the growth and development my two sons. For example, right now, my wife and I are in the “kids-come-first” phase, in which virtually every action in and outside of the home is to support the well-being of our small children. They need us all the time to survive, and we can’t keep our eyes off them, namely for their safety, but really because they’re so cute. In this phase, the husband-wife relationship cools a bit. You’re still deeply in love, and in love with the children, but the romance is different between you. That early exploration of courting and dating? Not so much right now.
With the children, my toddler is in the “take-a-bite-then-go-play” phase when at the dinner table. He’s also in the “go-to-bed-at-bedtime-but-stay-up-an-hour-or-two-past-that-time-chatting-to-himself-in-the-dark-because-he’s-pushing- his-little-limits” phase. A month ago he was in the “wait-by-the-bedroom-door” phase.
We have to remember the one cardinal rule about phases: they’re just phases.
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Our baby, now officially a year old, is in the “scream-at-the-top-of-his-lungs” phase, which is so cute, and very painful if you happen to be too close when he lets it go. He’s also in the “putting-everything-in-his-mouth-now-that-he-has-pincer-dexeterity” phase. He also pinches when he doesn’t know it and it hurts like hell.
I see these phases in my life right now, as I’m sure many fathers do, as generally frustrating. I find myself asking: why is this (fill in the blank) phase lasting so long? Is it something I’m doing? Should I be doing something differently? We men like to think we are problem-solvers, so when it comes to phases, we have to remember the one cardinal rule about phases: they’re just phases. One part of a whole. They don’t last forever, and even if they feel like they’re lasting forever, they don’t. Change is always happening, the ever and only consistent consistency in our lives. Though we may not see the end points as clearly as we might see, say, New Year’s Eve, they are there, and we need to acknowledge them and celebrate them as though they were the last night of a long year.
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Photo credit: Robert Couse-Baker.