Josh Stearns is tired of being compared to a twenty-seven-year-old movie character. He’s just being a dad.
When my wife went back to work half-time, I rearranged my schedule so that I could spend one morning a week with my son. She stayed home with our baby for the first year, and we were both excited about the idea of me having more time with him. It was a chance to be an even greater part of raising him, and came with the added benefit of saving us an extra day of daycare.
This week, my wife’s work schedule got shuffled and I got to stay home for a full day. I packed my son into the car first thing in the morning and headed out to a local state park to hike the trails and splash in the lake. For an hour or so, we were the only people there, and I enjoyed sharing the solitude of that place with him as he explored the shoreline.
Inevitably, he got soaked playing in the water. It was mid-morning, just as other people started to arrive at the park, that I propped him up on a nearby picnic table to change him into dry clothes. As I put on a new diaper, a woman walked by and with a smile, said, “Are you playing Mr. Mom today?”
At first I was taken aback by the comment, but as I thought about how often I hear people say that during my mornings with my son, I got frustrated.
Why is it that, for so many people, seeing a man caring for his child is still a surprise? Why is it treated like a game, as though I’m just “playing house?” And why is it that people can only understand a father nurturing his son through the frame of “Mr. Mom?”
The term “Mr. Mom,” even when used as a joke or with a wink, perpetuates a whole range of stereotypes about men, fathers, and families that continue to haunt American culture in powerful ways.
It reinforces the notion of women as the nurturer and men as the breadwinner, and suggests that for men to be caring they need to put on a persona other than just simply being a dad—as if by being nurturing you are not being a father, but a surrogate mother.
It constructs the ideal family unit with men at the margins, suggesting that their relationships with their kids is not as important as the relationship between mother and children.
This isn’t just limited to one or two passers-by at state parks and on street corners. The “Mr. Mom” meme pervades sitcoms, commercials, pop songs, and movies. Even in the “progressive” parenting magazines we get at home, instances of stay-at-home dads or fathers acting as an equal part of the parenting effort are treated as special cases, worthy of extra praise and attention.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s vital to celebrate and highlight men who are embracing their roles as caring fathers. We need to promote new images of masculinity and new ideas about families and parenting, but we need to do so in ways that breakdown old roles, not ways that reinforce stubborn stereotypes. We can’t just redefine good fatherhood as a mimicry of motherhood—that’s not fair to either parent. We need to talk about fatherhood in new ways and honor men, not for being mother-like, but for being good dads.
As the American family changes—growing richer and more complex—we are seeing single parent households, same-sex households, extended family homes, and adoptive families. Regardless of the shape, size, and scope of the family, our children need mentors and role models, love and attention, support and guidance, tenderness and firmness, laughter and encouragement, and more. None of this is the sole province of a mother or a father.
I’m not playing Mr. Mom. I’m just being a dad.
—Josh Stearns
I have to say, Scott, Josh is being a realistic dad. Society doesn’t always have to dictate how an individual family dynamic may play out. I always like to ask “why?” when traditions and habits surface. Providing for your family comes in many forms. If praising your two-year-old when she pee-pees in the pottie, is not providing for your family I would have to question what are you rewarding? Again, we all have our own paths and take the torch as we see fit. Lastly, staying with my two-year-old and four-year-old has never been easy, but has been the most… Read more »
To each is own, but the guy has to be the breadwinner. Its how we are wired, anything less and we are not living to our full potential. Sure you can nurture, but providing for the family in all ways, never crying or breaking down in front of the family, that is your role. It’s not easy, but its rewarding.
Josh,
You are absolutely right, you are not playing Mr. Mom, you are being a modern dad. You are helping redefine what it means to be a man, a dad, and a husband — in ways that are healthy for everyone, most especially men.