Great writers “show, don’t tell.” Ariel Chesler and his wife are following that motto while raising their daughters to recognize the power of women.
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In response to a widely shared piece on the Huffington Post entitled “10 Things No One Ever Told Me About Having a Daughter,” Tracy Moore, a writer at Jezebel, asked “why must men have a daughter to suddenly get that girls are people?” In a similar vein, Kat Stoeffel lamented on The Cut that the “writer-dad” who has a feminist awakening after having a daughter is “apparently unable to empathize with women before one sprung from his loins.” And Salon’s Mary Elizabeth Williams also expressed concern about the recent online surge of dads who are engaged with and interested in their daughters. She worried that these dads were engaging in “self-congratulation, shaming and the eureka observation that all the crap the world inflicts upon women is now something you might actually have to care about.” Williams followed up with a request: “Show us you care about girls and women not because you’re a dad, but because you’re a human being.”
These women are rightly frustrated that it takes reproducing a girl from their own genetic material for many men to be aware of what it’s truly like to be female in our society. Yet, as we’ve seen from Ferguson and the Elliot Rodger shootings, it often takes tragedy – events that are so horrific that we feel them personally – for discussions about racism and misogyny to take place. It is thus not really surprising that when it comes to issues faced by girls and women it takes the personal for many dads to be conscious of the political.
This major blind spot is prevalent even though all men have had a mother, or, at least, have interacted with women. And, it is prevalent despite the fact that for more than 50 years the modern women’s movement has loudly been reshaping our world and bringing sexism to the forefront of our collective consciousness.
So, why does this blindness persist? First, let us not forget that boys continue to be conditioned to view girls as inferior, and are prevented from acknowledging their own emotions or from learning and practicing empathy. But, there’s something else. We’ve done too much telling and too little showing. Here’s what I mean. Feminists have done a great job telling us about violence against women, the rape crisis, the wage gap, how girls and women are valued only for their appearance, and why reproductive rights are human rights. But, we as a society still encourage looking at women as inferior, and, in fact, we show that women are inferior in every sphere. Just look at the appallingly low numbers of women representing us in government or running companies. Think about how we handle domestic violence and rape cases in this country. Or look at the high status of male professional athletes, and with a few exceptions, the lower status and pay of female athletes. Or consider the fact that most children’s books feature male protagonists or that most films feature male characters.
Looking at my own upbringing I can conclude that it was a combination of showing me and telling me that led to my understanding of the female experience. Had my mother, a feminist leader, simply told me that “women are people too,” it would not necessarily have been enough. But, her teachings in conjunction with my being raised by two mothers during my formative years did the trick. In this way, I simultaneously listened to what I was told about women and observed with my own eyes two women authority figures, who were distinct individuals with strengths and weaknesses, with different passions and ways of being and romantic desires. In other words, I was shown that women are people too.
While it is certainly an interesting thought experiment, it would be ludicrous for me to suggest that all children be raised by two mothers, even though a recent study has found that children of same-sex couples turn out healthier, in particular because they learn empathy and how to value and pursue their individual skills and interests rather than being squeezed into gendered boxes.
I am quickly learning that there is only so much telling I can do with my own daughters who understand gender from the culture around us and learn from what they are shown. This is why I worry what they learned from my wife staying home for the past two years and me leaving them daily to go to work, and why I revel in the fact that their pediatrician is a woman, their dentist is a woman, and their teachers are women. I make sure to point out when we pass female police officers or women in various roles around us. I also am heartened by another study finding that by showing them that I cook breakfast, give them baths, go grocery shopping and do other household chores, my daughters will aim higher and never scale down their ambitions.
However, in order to change things so that future dads will not learn of women’s humanity only after having a daughter, I suggest that we do more than small things. Diversifying our children’s media so that they see females as central actors and not inferiors is one great idea. We must continue the fight for equal pay and bodily autonomy and take violence against women seriously. Let’s demand gender equality in sports and jobs, including demanding an end to the “motherhood penalty” and the provision of universal child care. But, let’s also demand radical reforms like those seen in Iceland and France where gender parity in government and on corporate boards are mandated by law. In this way, we will be showing future generations of dads that girls and women matter long before you have one of your own.
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This piece originally appeared on the Ms. Magazine Blog and is republished on Medium.
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As I read articles like this I’m beginning to realize that my upbringing must not have been the norm. I am 44 years old having grown up in the 70’s and starting to work when there was a such thing a “glass ceiling”. Whenever I can I let the world know that my Dad is nothing short of a “Rock Star”. He raised us girls as equals and consistently reminded us that we were no “different” than our brother or any man for that matter. Before I went off to college he gave me an intensive training on various tricks… Read more »
LT Super respect and super kudos to your Dad (see my first reply above) It is all very simple and quite powerful. It has nothing to do with the pre-social media era. Your Dad has a positive social self image of himself and that was the rock solid foundation of all his interactions with you. He parented you totally out of the foundation of how he thought and felt about himself. He was able to see …..he was able to appreciate…….he was able to articulate to you the incredible greatness and power and elegance you have as a woman because… Read more »
Still waiting for any evidence, any at all, that having a son makes women more compassionate towards boys. If the articles on this site are anything to go by, having a son makes women more worried about the hypothetical women he might grow up to rape than the boy himself.
“let’s also demand radical reforms like those seen in Iceland and France where gender parity in government and on corporate boards are mandated by law” Gender parity is not mandated. The law mandates that a certain percentage must be women, but not that any percentage must be men. That doesn’t show that women are equal. It shows that society must set aside a certain number of leadership jobs for them because they are incapable of achieving this on their own. With great power comes great responsibility. Why shouldn’t we mandate gender parity in the armed forces? Of course, women should… Read more »
Respecting, SEEING women as people isn’t something that should be earned. It starts by teaching boys not to be troglodytes and misogynists.
But you are just another worthless misogynist who diminishes women’s issues and doesn’t give a damn about men disrespecting women (enjoy it, in fact), so you will never get it.
” But, we as a society still encourage looking at women as inferior, and, in fact, we show that women are inferior in every sphere.”
I totally disagree, I have never ever in my entire life heard anyone claiming women to be inferior. Actually I was raised with the opposite impression. So the concept of female inferiority is totally new for me. But female superiority is not.
“I totally disagree, I have never ever in my entire life heard anyone claiming women to be inferior.” You have never talked that much with men, then. That’s what you can hear, literally or not, whenever many straight men are together and believe no one else is hearing. Start with any manosphere site. Enjoy. Women and gay men feel much worse about themselves after consuming media than straight males, for example. Most opinions everywhere (female sites are the exceptions) are from straight males, most model roles are masculine (and straight), etc. and etc. But that is so easy to overlook… Read more »
Personally I:’d find it easier and more effective to change the way we raise boys. From a culture of shame and violence as the training method to be the manly man men and women think they should be, to rewarding empathy and openness to become the human we all want to really be.
“First, let us not forget that boys continue to be conditioned to view girls as inferior, and are prevented from acknowledging their own emotions or from learning and practicing empathy. ” Lookup the women are wonderful effect. When I went through school 15 years ago, girls and women were seen as far better than the guys. The only thing females were seen as inferior for was physical prowess (athleticism for instance requiring strength). Women were and are seen as more pure, less violent, less ignorant, more intelligent, and better people here. “Feminists have done a great job telling us about… Read more »
Wage gap still exists. That’s all. Rape crisis still exists. That’s all. “Whilst men should never be allowed to force to stop an abortion, men should not be forced to pay for a child which is not their decision. (…) Abortion rights for women give women 100% responsibility post conception of whether that child is born (…)” What? It was his decision to have sex, sex many times end up in pregnancy. That women have the option to maybe apply to abortion doesn’t change a thing about it. If a pregnancy gets carried on a child will be born and… Read more »
I totally agree with the ideas posted here about how men can increase their awareness of the incredible power of women and then act upon it……ladies are you with me so far?? One has to ask, if you dare, where do women first learn about their sexuality (the absolute essence of their wonderful power)…..who is their teacher?…..when they get their first period is it met by total celebration or is it met with negativity??????…………..who teaches a young girl what men want and how to get a man?????……why do so many women choose choose choose to support, buy and dance to… Read more »
Er…..I could definitely ask the same question with “some feminists” substituted for “men” (#notallmen, btw), “son” for “daughter” and “boys and men” for “people”.
This highlights how the rather snotty “you don’t get cookies just for being a decent human being” mentality actually doesn’t work. It just gets people’s backs up. Amazingly, if you want to encourage people to change you have to *encourage* them.
I agree, a little hint, you dont need to be feminist to be a good person. So from what I see the good people advocates has a lot work to do.
In response to the question, “Why must men have a daughter to suddenly get that girls are people?” Not all fathers get that, and for some it requires their daughter’s whole lives passing by before they realize this. Some fathers never ever DO get it – you’ve heard of “honor killings”. Many of them are perpetrated by fathers.
If a man comes to this realization, he is doing well. I don’t mean to imply that the ends justify the means; please do rejoice when a man reaches this epiphany.