A father’s gift, tragically misused, can remind us that Dads can help guide their children’s steps.
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Wednesday’s horrendous massacre at a Charleston, SC church was made even more tragic by the fact that the gunman who confessed to the crime, barely 21, may have committed the killings using a .45 caliber pistol given to him as a birthday gift–by his father.
How troubling, then, to learn that a father might have chosen to present to his son—at his very point of entry into manhood—a weapon of destruction.
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Regardless of where you may stand on the 2nd amendment, the NRA, and our nation’s gun culture, in general, weapons are by their very presence “loaded” whether the chamber is filled or empty. The question burning in my mind is, given what we know about the shooter, how could his father possibly have considered a gun an appropriate gift for his troubled son?
Any gift, at its most basic level, is intended to acknowledge and honor a particular quality that the giver sees in the receiver. When a child picks flowers for his Mother, it honors her appreciation of simple beauty. When a wife gives her husband a gift that supports a particular passion of his, she is honoring him by creating space for that part of him to grow and find delight. When a brother gives his sister a cherished item from childhood, it re-affirms a bond that only they can share. Often life’s greatest gifts are deeply personal because they serve as both affirmation and invitation to pursue an interest or even a life purpose.
How troubling, then, to learn that a father might have chosen to present to his son–at his very point of entry into manhood–a weapon of destruction. One built expressly for the purpose of killing. The gift–not a hunting rifle but a powerful handgun–could not have been more dangerous, particularly in the hands of the young man who, by all accounts at this writing, was deeply disturbed and consumed with rage. The father’s stated intent, the secondary message–the one just below the surface–could not have been more apparent: Violence is an appropriate expression of bigotry, hatred, and anger.
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I have witnessed first hand a similar scenario. As a Minister for Children and Families, I was consulted by a mother who was distressed by her 13-year-old son’s suicidal behavior and talk. She explained that her son felt completely responsible for his parents’ divorce the year prior and that if he hadn’t been around they might never have had the problems that led to their splitting up. His father, who was no longer present in the home, overcompensated by giving the boy expensive gifts. On the boy’s 13th birthday party, his father brought him what he believed would delight his son–a .22 rifle.
After the father left and the party was over, the mother immediately confiscated the gun and called me, wondering if she had done the right thing. There was no doubt in my mind that she had indeed done exactly the right thing. For a young boy ridden with guilt (however misplaced) over his parent’s breakup, to receive a gun from his father, could not have sent a clearer–or more dangerous message. I urged her to seek responsible, qualified professional help for her son as quickly as possible, and for both parents to seek professional guidance for co-parenting in a post-marital relationship.
Here’s the point. The messages we send through the things we give to our children can be more powerful than we know. They reveal not just what we value in our children, but what we value in life. So, Dads, let’s use this horrible, tragic event as an opportunity to re-think what we are communicating to our children through the gifts we place in their hands.
But first, a couple of pointers:
Resist reliance on commercial media–especially advertising–to determine what is best for your child. It doesn’t take much discernment to see that advertisers rarely have your kids’ best intentions at heart. If they did, violence would not be paraded around as entertainment. Nobody knows your children like you, and so it’s a good idea to trust your gut when trying to decide whether or not to buy your child a particular item.
Very often a child’s wants reveal their needs. By that I mean when your preschooler asks for a dragon-slaying sword it may be a little clue to you that he may be feeling a little overwhelmed by a “dragon” in his life. Maybe a bully at preschool or a fear of losing something important. When my five-year-old son suffered a serious head injury in a bicycle accident, it came as no surprise to us when on Halloween he chose to dress as a football player complete with helmet and shoulder pads. We didn’t talk about the accident, of course, but we knew that for at least that night he could feel invincible, protected, and strong.
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Here are some ideas. You will think of others, which I hope you will feel free to share below:
1. Plant a Garden. It teaches your child respect, stewardship, patience, persistence, and love. Not to mention the talk time you get to share. If not a garden, then maybe some flowers, or a tree, or any project that gets their hands in the dirt and sun on your faces.
2. Simple Toys. Toys with no particular function, such as a bag of clothespins, clay, a water table or sand, teach children ingenuity, imagination, drama, and resourcefulness.
3. Expressive Toys. A musical keyboard, watercolors, crayons, all encourage children to express their inner drama. Play–especially expressive play–is the first step to mastery.
4. Quiet Time. It is remarkable how rare true quiet time is in the life of a child. Anytime you can help create the gift of quiet in your home is time well spent. It means, of course, turning off the TV in favor of a “DEAR” time (“DEAR” means “Drop Everything And Read”)
5. Your Time. Your presence is an incalculable gift because it is love itself–expressed in ways that often have nothing to do with what you’re doing. Fixing a chain on a bicycle together can be a lot more than fixing a chain on a bicycle. It’s a chance to talk about important stuff–like the smell of 3-in-1 Oil, using a wrench, baseball cards in the spokes, you know, that sort of thing.
6. Giving itself. About the only thing more important than having your child seeing you give to others is creating an opportunity for them to give to others. What better gift than to work together on a project that will benefit someone else! And, by the way, this is particularly important during times of tragedy. Television’s Mister Rogers often noted that when he witnessed tragedy as a little boy, his mother was quick to say, “Always look for the helpers.” Creating opportunities for children to help in moments of tragedy not only teaches love and responsibility, but it also provides an important channel through which children can gain a sense of control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation.
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I am more convinced than ever that the most important thing a Dad can provide is stability.
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If you believe we live in an unstable, sometimes violent, often confusing world, imagine how our children must feel as they try to make sense of senseless events like the shootings in Charleston! As our family anticipates the coming of our first grandchild, I am more convinced than ever that the most important thing a Dad can provide is stability.
When the Scottish professor and theologian William Barclay was asked what he had learned during his long life, he replied, “I have learned that there are very few things that really matter in this life… but those few things matter intensely.”
As we who are fathers seek to give the best of who we are and what we have to offer to the children in our care, it may be helpful to answer that question for ourselves: What few things matter most to me as a father, and what can I give that sends a message that really matters?
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Flickr/ Thomas Hawk