Want to take care of Jerry Mahoney’s kids? Follow these five rules or you’ll blow the gig before you get it.
Originally appeared at Mommyman: Adventures of a Gay Superdad
Hello! Thank you for your interest in babysitting my kids. It’s a fun job – and educational, too. If you come work for us, you’ll learn the names of all the Thomas trains and how to distinguish them by their creepy mushed-up faces. You’ll get to know the lyrics of every One Direction deep album cut, especially “Tell Me a Lie” and “I Wish”, which are my son’s and daughter’s “jams”, respectively. Most of all, you’ll learn the one and only proper way to make a peanut butter sandwich to avoid making a little boy cry.
The job has its perks, too. Once you’re on our payroll, your kisses are granted the power to heal minor injuries, you’re free to lounge in one of our two backyard (plastic princess) pools, and you can help yourself to all the Penguins of Madagascar fruit snacks you want. (We’re trying to get rid of those. They’re “too sticky”.)
I’ve interviewed a lot of people for this position, so before we go any further, allow me to offer you a few tips – just suggestions, really – to help you avoid some of the common pitfalls of our applicants and help you get on my good side.
1. Show up on time.
What I’m looking for most in a babysitter is reliability, so if we schedule our interview for 4pm, try to arrive by, oh, say 3:59:59 at the latest. Maybe you’re used to your econ class starting a few minutes past the hour or going to movies that have 15 minutes of previews before Kristen Stewart shows up on screen. Here in the world of legitimate employment, we start on time, and if you’re not here when you said you would be, you’re likely to see my minivan backing out of the driveway and peeling off on its way to a playdate.
In that case, don’t bother rescheduling.
2. Don’t look like a slut in your Care.com headshot.
I know your Facebook friends love that picture of you with a beer in one hand, your back arched to accentuate your barely-covered boobs, with that “I’m a naughty girl” expression on your face. I have no doubt it’s gotten you tons of responses in the Craigslist personals, but you’re going for a different audience here, and they may not appreciate you mimicking the Lolita one-sheet… or the way their husband shouts out, “Whoa! Hire her!” when he sees your picture. We gay dads are unlikely to be impressed either.
When I see anything resembling a “Girls Gone Wild” audition still, I picture my daughter in a few years, and I start to weep. If you insist on the trashy headshot, please include your parents’ phone number in your ad, because I’m going to want to give them a call and express my sympathies.
Surely there’s a photo somewhere of you playing minigolf with your special needs cousin. Use that instead.
AP Photo
3. Show the most conservative side of yourself.
I’m aware that I’m from a different generation than most of the young women who apply for babysitting jobs. They have more liberal attitudes about what body parts they’ll pierce or what colors they might dye their hair.
I would never suggest anyone not be themselves, because I respect your individuality, and besides, I’m going to discover your freaky side eventually anyway. Still, if you’re the lead singer of a death metal band, maybe you could tone it down a bit for our first meeting. You must have something other than skull earrings. Wear those. Go with a tasteful tongue stud rather than that spike-tipped rod that I have to duck to avoid every time you open your mouth. Swap the black lipstick out for a pale gray.
I gave big bonus points to the young woman who, during her interview, pointed out and explained each of her visible tattoos. I would never disqualify someone for their body art — well, maybe Amy Winehouse wouldn’t have made the cut — but the fact that this applicant raised the topic showed a) self-confidence and b) a sensitivity to the squareness of parents like me.
4. Know your kiddie lit.
This is our Great Gatsby
I’m going to let you in on a secret. I have a “gotcha” question. It’s really tricky, too. Ready? Here it is…
“What are your favorite children’s books?”
Gets ‘em every time. First, I’ll ask my interviewee what she likes doing with kids, just to see if “reading” makes the list. It should.
If not, I’ll ask directly, “Do you like reading to kids?”
“Oh, yes. I love it. On my last job, I used to read to the kids all the time. It was our favorite thing to do.”
“Really? What were some of the books you read?”
Shrug. “Nothing in particular.”
I’m stunned how often that question leaves babysitter applicants speechless.
Seriously, is it so hard just to say Dr. Seuss? The Very Hungry Caterpillar? Go Dog Go? Even people who hate kids can name a couple of children’s books. I’d trust someone who loathes Dr. Seuss more than someone who can’t quite remember his name.
Originally, I intended to screen out anyone who didn’t know Mo Willems, author of the Pigeon and Elephant & Piggie books. He was my favorite children’s author before I even had kids, when I used to buy books for my nieces and my friends’ kids. Yes, I had a favorite children’s author… is that too much to ask of a childcare provider?
I have yet to interview a babysitter candidate who’s even heard of Mo Willems.
What’s up? Are the other kids you sit for just that lame? Have you never been to the children’s section of Barnes & Noble?
Now I look at it differently. You may not know Mo Willems—or Sandra Boynton, Bob Shea or any of our other favorites, but if I hire you, you’ll learn. We’ll enrich your life with fine literature like Happy Hippo, Angry Duck and Time to Pee. When your next potential employer asks about your favorite children’s books, you’ll hesitate to answer because you have too many to choose from.
Still, when you first meet me, at least try to prove you’re literate.
5. Don’t completely ignore my children.
You may have noticed a couple of other people sitting in on our interview. They’re small and active, and they didn’t have a lot of questions for you, but you know what? They were kind of important to the process. The fact that you didn’t say hello to them when you came in, goodbye when you left or pretty much anything else in between, reflected a bit badly on your children-handling skills.
This is one interview where it might actually have been good to walk away from the boss and brush a Rapunzel doll’s hair for a few minutes. Once you show up on time, you can drop the professional demeanor. Silliness is a plus.
See, my kids may not be the ones who’ll pay you or drive you home, but they get a vote, too. If, after you leave, my daughter confesses, “She was scary”, you’re probably not going to get the job.
So there you have it. Five easy steps to winning that job babysitting for my kids. Good luck! Oh, and it doesn’t hurt to tell me how cute they are.
Photo—Babysitter holding a flyer from Shutterstock
About Jerry Mahoney
These are great points. My wife and I are friends with another couple that have a daughter a few weeks younger than ours. Watching a pair of little not-yet-three-year-old girls be best friends is sweet and hilarious. They see each other, and yell as if they hadn’t seen each other in decades instead of days. So we trade date nights with them. They take our Natalie and Henry once a month, we take their little one once a month, and it works out great.
I switched tabs and requested a Mo Willems book from the library, as I had never heard of him either.
Wow, the whole tone of this is incredibly rude and patronizing. Believe it or not, even young women of a “different generation” are familiar with the basics of timekeeping! Punctuality is not a generational defect. Bonus for slut-shaming language and perpetuating the boring old stereotype that every potential babysitter out there is female!
2. Don’t look like a slut in your Care.com headshot.
Wow. Shaming much? I could understand “Don’t look like a wild child….” but a slut? Even if we are to take that to mean an active sex life what exactly does a slut “look like”?
I gave big bonus points to the young woman who, during her interview, pointed out and explained each of her visible tattoos. I would never disqualify someone for their body art — well, maybe Amy Winehouse wouldn’t have made the cut — but the fact that this applicant raised the topic showed a) self-confidence and b) a sensitivity to the squareness of parents like me.
Not sure what having to point them out versus answering when asked means the difference between having or lacking self confidence.
Do you prefer female babysitter or is it just your experience has been limited to that?
So, I do get that (at least to some extent) you’re trying to be funny – thus the somewhat cutting tone — but, if you’re approaching your real search for a babysitter with such an antagonistic attitude… yeah, even if you found someone great, s/he might not want to babysit your kids ’cause s/he’ll think ‘these kids are cute… but the dad’s kinda got a chip on his shoulder.’
I babysat throughout grad school, and even now, as a tried-and-true, ‘grown up’ professional, I’m still known by my friends and colleagues with kids as their go-to woman for childcare help, and kept my favorite families long after I graduated. In fact, twin 3 year-olds I’ve babysat since they were 2 months-old were just flower girls in my wedding a few months ago.
So, I think that in fairness, it’s important to provide some balance here, and I feel confident that I’m qualified to do that. You can just consider my comment to be informally titled “So You Want Me to Be Your Babysitter… 5 Things You Should Know Without Me Telling You.”
1) Rely on word-of-mouth from your friends with kids to find a sitter– with using the internet to find someone as a last resort. Though I did, at first, in grad school, advertise online to find sitting families, once I found one or two and I hit it off with, the rest came through word-of-mouth. Finding a random babysitter off the internet carries the same risks as finding any *other* random (insert category of person here) off the internet does.
2) If you want a grown up to baby sit your kids, expect to pay accordingly. I live in a city where the cost-of-living is VERY low, and my rates started at $10/hour for one kid (+$2/hour for each additional). My considerate families, though, gave me raises as I went along, and often insisted I ‘keep the change.’ Though, in exchange, if they were short a bit every once in awhile, I cut them slack, too. In other words, in addition to mutually taking care of their kids, their parents and I took care of one another, too.
3) Don’t ever consider — let alone mention — paying a sitter less because ‘the kids are sleeping.’ You are paying the sitter for their time as much as the ‘work.’ (And by the way — with families I liked, it didn’t feel like work — it felt like getting to hang out with awesome kids. But still, it’s MY time. I do actually have other things I could do on a Saturday night besides watch your kids, so, again, expect to pay accordingly.) If a sitter says ‘yes’ to this arrangement, she has no backbone, and is likely going to be the type that you come home to find tied to a chair while your children run naked through the neighborhood.
4) Don’t expect a sitter to do more than you do. If your kids are used to watching TV all day, don’t think the sitter is going to be the miracle worker that gets your ADHD-addled kid ‘into the arts’ or outside playing a sport.
5) Don’t ask ‘gotchya’ questions at the interview cause you assume all 20 year old girls are idiots or ‘sluts’ and, by virtue of having a few rugrats, you are somehow the Mr. Rogers reincarnate.
So there you have it. And, with all that being said (and particularly re: #5) — ‘Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus’ is fine, but it’s really got nothing on ‘Knuffle Bunny’ (the original OR 2). Good luck in your search.
I’m kind of stunned at the negative response from some of the commenters. The snarky tone of this piece aside, I assure you I’m nothing but polite and respectful to the young women (I’ll use gender inclusive language when the 1st man responds to my ad or when more than .01% of the listings on care.com are from men) whom I interview. Bethany, I think your 5 rules are fantastic, and I adhere to all of them (my reading question isn’t based on anyone being an idiot or a slut – or even 20 years old. I’ve interviewed middle-aged women who were just as unqualified as anyone half their age. When a prospective sitter shows up at my door, I assume the best of them, only to be proven wrong more often than I’d like).
Parents who don’t respect their sitters are another matter, and I really don’t think I fit that category. I’m sure there are plenty of parents who are TERRIBLE to babysitters, and I hope some of them read your list. To me, it all seemed like common sense.
As for #4, I agree with that also – but I do a LOT with my kids, and I expect the same of my sitters. I’d counter with, no sitter is going to get away with doing much less than me. If they want an easy job, babysitting for two toddlers is the wrong choice. My kids rarely watch TV, and they have a ton of energy. I’ll pay you well, but trust me when I say you’re going to earn it.
I stand by what I wrote. I have high standards for my sitters, and that’s not going to change. These are my kids, and I entrusting them to a stranger is a huge deal for me. I have no time for people who don’t take the job seriously. You want to mow my lawn? That’s a different story. But to take care of my kids, you’d better have your you-know-what together.
“(I’ll use gender inclusive language when the 1st man responds to my ad or when more than .01% of the listings on care.com are from men) whom I interview.)”
You’re part of the problem, perpetuating the stereotype that all babysitters are female (and indirectly, that males are unfit to care for children).
I’m a trans woman. I babysat my brothers (I have 3 younger brothers, I only babysat the youngest 2 as the other was too close in age), because I didn’t cost much (after all, I lived there, so I had access to food and my own room), I was already there, and I was responsible.
But yeah, I didn’t babysit anywhere else because of the prevalent stereotype that “who would hire a guy?”, never mind the pedophile scare.
If you tell boys and men that nursing is not just predominantly female, but use the female pronoun as default for nurses…you’ll turn off quite many a man who would have considered a job there. Because they’re erased entirely. Feminine grammatical gender does not include the masculine, so when someone uses a feminine pronouns, noun etc, they mean ONLY women, or the extremely token male (less than 0.1%).
Same for for babysitting. Talk as if no boy would do that…and no boy WILL do that.
This isn’t a case of me perpetuating a stereotype. It’s more like statistics perpetuating a fact. Go ahead. Do a babysitter search. See how many men you find. This is coming from a man who cares for kids for a living, by the way. I’m proud of what I do and would gladly hire anyone – female, male, transgender – as long as they were qualified for the job. I’d love to see more diversity in the available sitters. I just don’t.
You are writing an article, you didn’t make the stereotype, but you are perpetuating it.
Beyond the abject condescension and the inexcusable use of “slut” (which is *only* appropriate to call somebody if they personally claim the label for themself, and if you are using it in a positive way–any other use is openly misogynistic), there’s this:
“This is one interview where it might actually have been good to walk away from the boss”
Don’t set traps for your interviewees. The person hosting the interview sets the tone, and the rules of boss/employee interaction dictate that, if you want to be well-mannered and polite, then you listen when the boss is talking and you follow the boss’s lead. Walking away from the boss is rude.
If you’re setting yourself up as “the boss,” and you’re talking to your candidate or otherwise leading the course of the conversation, it is up to *you* to provide time for the candidate to interact with the kids. Sure, it’s good if they say “hi” to the kids on the way in, but if you then start talking to the candidate, you should expect them to pay attention to *you,* because *you* are the one who’s interviewing them!
I’ve been to interviews where the person doing the interview started talking to me the moment I walked in the door, then started randomly doing other stuff with no indication of what was going on, or what they expected of me. It was clear that some kind of test, or trap was being laid for me, and in the muddle of “I’m in a job interview, so my attention should be on my boss,” vs. “I’m applying for a care-oriented job, so I should focus on the person who will receive my care….but that entails being rude by wandering away from my boss,” I had no idea how to handle the situation. In my mid-twenties. To put a teen in that situation–who may have only read or heard about how to handle interviews and is trying to do what they’ve heard is right, but doesn’t have enough real-world experience to know when they’re being set up– is just a little cruel.
If you’re claiming the role of boss, expect people to defer to you. If you want them to do something else, provide a clear opportunity, like, “So, would you like to meet the kids?” If you set traps for your employees, so that the only way to pass in the “babysitter” role is to deliberately fail in the “interviewee” role, then you’re just being an ass. I would be very hesitant to accept a job with somebody who thinks it’s ok to use their role as an employer to manipulate people like that. It does *not* bode well for how they’d handle other ambiguous situations.
“Trap” is your word, not mine. When you show up for an interview, everything you do from the minute you walk in the door is fair game for me to assess your personality and fitness for the job. You might give all the right answers but put your feet up on the desk through the whole thing. When I cite that as the reason for not hiring you, you can’t then say that me leaving the desk there was a “trap”.
I’m talking about people who didn’t even acknowledge the kids. They don’t need to blow me off altogether and play house with them, but they can at least say hello. If they want to convince me I should leave them alone with my kids, that’s just common sense.
“Slut” is a harsh word, I know, but try to focus on my description of how they’re behaving in the headshots. Would you want someone like that as a potential role model for your daughter… or your son? If so, go ahead and hire them for YOUR kids. Me? I’ll pass.
Honestly, somebody’s style of dress would concern me less than if they think it’s ok to refer to a girl as a “slut.” The first one might have poor taste. The second is dangerous.
Given how often “she’s such a slut–she wanted everything I gave her” and comparable attitudes are used to excuse rape, I’d be orders of magnitude more concerned about somebody who is *raising a daughter*, and thinks that it’s ok to encourage slut-shaming. It’s not just “harsh,” as if it’s just a matter of hurt feelings. It actively contributes to a culture which says that raping certain women and girls is ok.
As for the desk/acknowledging the kids issue, any reasonable amount of common sense–and any written guide to how to be polite in company where you’re trying to present the best side of yourself–would indicate that it’s not right to put your feet on the desk, just like the same common sense and guides would indicate that you shouldn’t wander away and get distracted while you’re being interviewed by the boss.
If you’re just talking about saying hi to the kids when they walk in, then cool–the only problem is that you worded the above a little badly. If, on the other hand, you meant what you said–that it would behoove the candidate to walk away from you to brush a doll’s hair, during the interview– then I hope you give some indication that that’s what you want. Otherwise, you’re setting up a test in which the candidate passes (in your mind) by doing something that would get them in trouble in almost any other situation. You’d be asking somebody–perhaps a teenager who’s heard their entire life, “pay attention when I’m speaking. Look at me when I’m talking to you!” to somehow divine that you want the opposite, and won’t hire them if they do what they’ve always been told is mandatory for good manners. When you’ve established a situation where doing exactly what appears to be right leads to failure–then “trap” is the right word.
As I said though, if all you actually meant was “say hi when you walk in,” then fine. But that’s not actually what the article said. What the article said was a situation I *have* run into, and it’s obnoxious and manipulative.
Rebecca, seriously – WTF? Is there so little on the internet worthy of your outrage that you need to spend this much time lecturing me about the poor word choices in what’s (in my mind, at least) a fairly innocuous blog post about the frustrations of a dad trying to find a good babysitter for his kids? How much time do you expect me to spend explaining myself and apologizing for this? Instead of accepting my explanation that I hadn’t realized how politically charged the s-word is, you’re going further and tying a dumb little joke I made to rape?
There’s a point at which it’s time to wrap up a debate and go home. I’d argue that yours was a couple of comments ago, but mine is definitely now. Enjoy the last word. I’m sure you’ll insist on having it.
Jerry, take heart… you haven’t really made it in the world of writing about gender-related issues until you’ve been accused of contributing to rape culture!! ;(
Jerry – I appreciate your fairly even-handed replies to the comments. I guess my issue with it is just the very condescending tone of the piece. I read the comments on the piece on your blog, and they seem fairly congratulatory – but they also all seem to be coming from people in your position (parent seeking sitter) when there’s definitely another side to the story. You see a girl with a ‘slutty’ pic? Move on. She’s not going to be your cup of tea, whatsoever, and it’s true that this may not be the best way to present yourself as a babysitter. But so what? Again, you move on. So if you interview her, that’s your own problem – but really, why do you care? It’s like being personally offended by the online dating profile of someone you’ve never met. Not everyone is dying to date YOU or babysit YOUR kids, ya know??
Let me put it this way – hang in with me, here…I could’ve written a story with the ‘title’ I gave my comment… But would you have wanted me as a sitter, then? You’d probably think I was a little snarky, a little defensive or burnt out. Or there could’ve been things in there that many families, I’m sure, just fundamentally disagreed with or just wasn’t THEM – I could’ve added, ‘#6: don’t let on that you coddle your kids when you post a sitter-wanted’ ad. The truth is, I work as a child behavioral specialist, and I honestly can’t stand people that coddle their kids and don’t put ‘building resilience’ at the top of their priorty list in raising their children – if a little one falls, and I see it and can tell they are clearly not majorly hurt, I give them a wink and a silly ‘I think you’re gonna make it!’ and distract them and we move onto the next activity. So if a parent ever called their child ‘our little princess’ or insisted I be concerned about their child’s nutrition (you’re the parents – I will feed them what you want me to feed them) in their ad, I’d probably trust my instincts that this isn’t going to be a good fit and move on. (My favorite babysitting parents ever once made the comment to me that they ‘aren’t really a band-aid using kinda family.’) If that’s not you – eg if someone is more of the attachment parenting ilk – hey, live and let live, do your thing! But, just as I’d expect people to call me out on my condescending tone, I think that’s what you’re getting here – an instinctive ‘you’re coming across as kinda, well, not nice’ reaction, when, in a sitter’s marketwhom my city, adult sitters are in VERY high demand) – we as sitters can find families who ARE nice. Much as my #4 made you seem to get a little defensive about the fact that your kids don’t watch much tv, an you do a LOT with them, your original piece has clearly led to defensiveness from the other side – experienced, qualified sitters have seen a lot and, by virtue of being good, we tend to have our pick of what families to take or not to take. So it’s important for YOU to put your best foot forward as a parent, too – that includes being gracious to people you invite into your home for an interview, respecting that they don’t know YOU anymore than you know THEM, that they may see what you totally admit to being a ‘gotchya’ question for what it’s worth, and move onto the next family that doesn’t mistake interviewing/vetting for interrogating/tricking.
I appreciate your comment, Bethany, and I think you and I have a lot in common. I groan when parents overreact to their kids falling down. I’d love to have a sitter who understood developmental psychology, but I’ll settle for one who’s willing to learn how I handle my kids and do their best approximation of it when I’m not around. Instead, when I tell a sitter something like, “We don’t tell the kids ‘You’re all right’ when they cry, because that’s denying their feelings,” they look at me like I’m some kind of monster.
I was interested to read this, as a (cis) straight white woman who babysits for my Navy wife friends on the side. I thought this would be kind of cute or snarky, but as soon as I read #2, I stopped reading. “Slut” is not just a harsh word, it’s part of the misogynistic language we’re all taught. It’s alienating, no matter the intention. Melissa from Shakesville states it best:
http://www.shakesville.com/2007/11/on-bitch-and-other-misogynist-language.html
Hi Jerry, My son is 16. He was 9 when his triplet brothers were born. He is the most accomplished baby sitter you will ever meet. Having been the only woman in my social circle for years with kids all my women friends appear to have had children together over the last three years. There is often a bit of a scrum when an event shows up on the calendar that we all want to go to. Luckily I get to pull rank. He is your 0.1% but he does exist and he deserves to be acknowledged even if you’ve never met him. I am confident that he not the only male babysitter in captivity.
And your use of the word ‘slut’. As the father of a daughter you really should think about what that word means and what you think a ‘slut’ looks like. It is the most toxic of concepts. I hope you never feel moved to use it about your girl no matter how she chooses to dress in the future, for her sake.
sara
No, I would not call my daughter a “slut”, but there are certain ways I don’t want her to dress, and as long as I’m buying her clothes for her, she’s not going to. As a parent, it’s my job to let her know how I feel on this subject.
I used the word “slut” in a nonspecific sense. I did not direct it at anyone in particular, nor would I.
As I read it, your piece is just another “the young generation is awful and misguided and need to learn some manners” rant – the kind of rant old people have been doing as long as anyone remembers (you missed complaining about the music they listen to, though).
I don’t know if that’s your attitude to young people. I do know that if it’s your attitude to the hiring process, finding good candidates will be hard. If you think all you will get is idiots, there you are.