Scotty Schrier went to teach his son a lesson. Instead, he learned one himself.
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It started out like any other night. The kids had eaten dinner and got pajama’s on. We were about to start the bedtime routine when I heard my son say something to the effect of “…and that’s why he’s fat. Like you.”
After hearing my wife say, “Gee…thaaaanks.” and hearing the pain in her voice, I stood up.
I asked my son, “What did you just say?”
After having been with my sister when her daughter, who at the age of 3, asked a woman if she was pregnant or just fat, and the horrible embarrassment for everyone involved (because the woman wasn’t even close to being pregnant), I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. Nope. Not on my watch! So, I fired up my righteous indignation and got ready to let loose on him when I saw his eyes.
He was already tearing up.
“What did you say, son?”
He refused to tell me.
“What. Did. You. Say.”
He replied with a meek, “I don’t know.”
“No, don’t hand me that. You know what you said. Now, repeat it.”
Then his face contorted and fresh tears streamed down his cheek. “I can’t. It’s too hard.”
“No, it’s not, son. Now repeat what you said.”
Then he stood up and started crying full out. “I don’t wanna get in trouble, Daddy!”
Now, I’ve been a dad for awhile now, and I’m familiar when the alligator tears start. I’m immune to them. Except, these were the real deal. And they cut me to the core. He already knew that what he said was bad. That’s why he didn’t want to repeat it. But, I could tell he didn’t know WHY those words were bad.
So, I did what every rational parent does. I barked at him some more. “Let me tell you something, son, I don’t ever want to hear you talk about someone like that ever again. Do you understand me?” (Holy crap, it was like my mom was taking over my mouth!)
Then he looked down at his feet and his lower lip trembled as he blinked back more tears. “Yes, sir.” (And, suddenly it was as if a younger version of me was taking over his mouth.)
I sat at my desk for a few minutes thinking. Then, I called him over. He shuffled over to me with shoulders sagging and chin touching his chest.
He sat in my lap as I talked about how we can hurt people without meaning to. That sometimes, our words can cut deep…and that we normally hurt the ones we love the most. He fidgeted as I went on. He looked all around me, but never AT me. So, I asked him to look into my eyes.
His cheeks still red from crying earlier, his eyes red-rimmed and puffy, I put a hand on either cheek and kissed his forehead. “Son, I’m not mad at you.”
And I wasn’t! That’s the thing, really. I should have been angry with him. He just called my wife, his mother, fat! I should have whooped his butt and grounded him and yelled at him for being disrespectful and…oh wait, that’s what would have happened to me as a kid.
My anger melted away and I asked him where he heard people talking like that. The answer didn’t surprise me. It hurt, but didn’t surprise me one bit.
“You and mom.”
You see, his mom and I joke around about getting old and fat. It helps to take the sting off of the fact that it’s true. I don’t like having to admit it, but the fact of the matter is this: I am obese. And it hurts. While I can’t speak for my wife directly, I know she feels pretty much the same as I do.
We walk around and use language in a self-deprecating manner, never once thinking that the 4 yr old, no matter how brilliant we see him as, doesn’t get the subtle nuances of words. He sees mom and dad say they are fat…so it must be fair game. And, in that respect, he’s not wrong.
Back to my son. He’s sitting on my lap and trying not to cry again. I hug him close.
“I’m sorry, son. I’m sorry you have heard mom and I talk like that. It’s not right for us to say things like that about other people, we shouldn’t say things like that about ourselves.”
Long story short: We made a deal. The deal is, we won’t talk like that if he doesn’t.
He apologized to mom for hurting her feelings. Then we all hit the ‘delete’ button, and let it go. Stories were read, songs were sung, the boys are in bed and I’m finding I can’t let it go. Well, let me explain.
I’m not mad at him and I’ve forgiven him. That part is water under the bridge. The part I can’t let go is…
I don’t like myself very much. And I didn’t realize I was broadcasting it so loudly.
(to be continued)
****
Why is it nobody talks about how damaging the word skinny could be to a person? I’ve been skinny all my life and have been the butt of jokes. And I was always picked on as a kid because I was skinny. Where is the compassion for skinny? I’d love to gain a few more pounds and a have six-pack chest. I tried but my body is not built that way. I’m suppose to be a lean mean machine. I’m happy with my skinny, lean mean body. My point? If our culture is going to be sensitive to the use… Read more »
Body shaming for any reason is wrong, but I think the reason there isn’t as much compassion for the skinny is that so many people wish they were skinny. Nobody wishes they were fat.
One advantage the skinny people have is that it’s generally accepted (by anyone with any intelligence) that there are a lot of skinny people who simply can’t gain weight. Very few people believe that fat bodies can possibly make it very hard to lose weight.
Scotty: Well written, as always. I recently went through the same realization and it’s a tough one to stomach. I had gained a lot of weight and started using all sorts of self-deprecating “jokes” to get through it. It took my wife sitting me down and telling me that she didn’t like who I was becoming and that I needed to take more time for myself to get me to realize how much I had lost. The direct solution for me was simple; I gave up powerlifting once my sons were born and I missed it anyway. Going back to… Read more »
Great article. This is something I need to take to heart as a new dad myself. I’m looking forward to the rest of the story!
Georgina, I respectfully disagree. This is a discussion about labeling, not about random measurement. Labeling is a harmful psychological tactic that reduces a person to the dimension of the label. Size is relative, whether the term being used is “fat”, “skinny”, “perfect”, “chunky”, “curvy” or whatever adjective you use. And because there are different body types, what is “fat” to one person may be “normal” to another. To apologize for “being fat” is to teach that random labels are more important than self-evaluation and conscientious values. Which will be more useful to a child? To make sure his BMI measures… Read more »
I missed one thing in your lovely story ( great parenting btw, but are you ready for excellence? )
I missed you apologizing to your son for being fat. You have the obligation as a parent, to be a good example and to take great care of yourself so they can have you around for as long as possible.
You shouldn’t have apologized for calling eachother fat, but for letting eachother get fat.
I hope you can find that strenght, together with your wife, because you seem like very loving and intelligent parents.
Why should one apologize for having physical issues? Would you expect him to apologize if he were to be diabetic? Have cancer? Have a limb missing? Have a broken leg? Go bald? I think Scotty did an excellent job at parenting to his child about words hurting. His child, at age 4, will be more conscious of the impact of his words to others. Also, did they hold a gun to each other’s head to make each other gain weight? My husband has gained lots of weight.. far more than I did during my pregnancies. No matter what is fixed,… Read more »
Wow. Why should ANYONE need to apologize for being fat? I am fat. I admit it. I am lazy and a horrible example to my kids by being overweight. In NO WAY would I ever blame my husband for letting me get fat. It’s not his fault that I can’t exercise due to bone and connective tissue issues. It’s not his fault that I have thyroid disease. It’s not even MY fault that I have those issues. It’s my fault for not making more of an effort. Still, I set a decent example for my kids by being a good… Read more »
Georgina, after you, dear. As soon as you apologize for either being a small minded ignorant person or for trolling this post to get attention, I’ll apologize to my children for being over some suggested BMI. My body is my body and any issues I have with it are certainly going to impact my children, but I am not going to do them any favors to live my life with shame imposed on me by idiots like you. I am going to teach my kids that it’s okay to have pride and self esteem and to enjoy my God-given talents… Read more »
This
BRAVO!! Can’t wait to see/read more in this “series” that you don’t realize you’ve started writing! 😉
What HAVE I started?? My wife is egging me on as we speak to start the next chapter. The only problem is that I know there’s so much more to delve into…but where do I start? What do I say? I’ve got a lot of words to write…but the narrative is what’s getting in my way right now. But, rest assured, there will be more. I not only owe it to my sons, but myself as well.
Seems like it would also be a good opportunity to explain that the word “fat” (like most words) isn’t bad in and of itself, but has more to do with the intention behind it (and how the recipient takes it). Also, being fat isn’t something a person has to be ashamed of–it doesn’t mean they are unhealthy, unhappy, lazy, or poor examples of humanity (it does mean they have to put up with a lot of crap from a society that favors thinness). Of course we don’t want our kids to go around calling people names, but it’s good to… Read more »
To clarify, my son is 4. And yes, your words are true, but I also have to remember that he’s 4 and work within his mental and emotional boundaries. The older he gets, the deeper into these discussions we’ll go. But right now, we’re both happy with where we’re at, with the understanding that there’ll be more later.