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One of the hardest things for a father is when your child seemingly doesn’t want to be with you. About a month ago my twenty month old son wanted to be with his mommy all the time. Then my in-laws would come over and he’d want to be with them. He’s a toddler and it’s really nothing personal but it was breaking my heart. You can’t help but love your child deeply, and want to be around them.
As a father, from day one, I’ve learned that the best way to stay present with my child is to love him, love him, love him. He would cry and I thought I was doing something wrong. I loved him. He would want to be with my wife rather than me. I loved him. I couldn’t console him. I loved him. This doesn’t mean It didn’t hurt when he wanted to be with someone else, or that he cried sometimes when I held him. It meant that it wasn’t about me. I couldn’t make it about me. He’s crying. I’m going to do everything I can to soothe him. If nothing works then I’m going to allow him a safe, loving place to let it out. If he wants to be with mommy then right now he needs to be with mommy. If he wants to be with his Bepa and Nana then how incredibly grateful am I that he has such incredible, loving grandparents. This was work. This was painful work.
I would think to myself how much I wasn’t cut out for this, how much I sucked at this. I can’t console him. He’s crying sometimes when I hold him. Maybe he’s scared of me or doesn’t trust me. I would think “I guess he just doesn’t love me as much as Mommy or Bepa or Nana.
This was crazy making. It was so much about me and thank god for an inner source of wisdom. I realized. It’s not about me, and even when it is, my task is to love him and do the best I can. When I’m worried about whether I’m safe enough, loving enough, or worthy I’m less present with Sam. I began to trust in the universe, surrender, and embrace humility. These were my allies and this was my clarity. Believe me, as I am writing about this present experience, it’s hard, and it’s a constant battle but it’s my love and my presence that Sam needs. Not my inner critic. This week Sammy wants to be around me all the time. It shifts. He has different needs in different moments.
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This article originally appeared on The New Dad Times.
Photo credit: Adrian Ruiz/flickr
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You are right on. My husband had the same attitude, when our baby was a baby and just cared about boob. He would say “I am going to force him to love me”. He was right there when I went to work, feeding and nurturing “I am going to make him love me by loving him”. And you know what, he did. By the time I stopped nursing at my kid’s age of 2, he had no preference between parents because he had had equal time with each of us and his dad had been right there loving him for… Read more »
I couldn’t have stumbled onto this article at a better time. My son is 13 months and my wife is staying home with him for now. In the beginning, I had the uncanny ability to calm him over anyone with my only equal being my wife. Over the last two months, he seemingly avoids me when walking by in his Frakenstein kind of way, or cries when my wife hands him to me, etc. After reading this, I now have the clarity of my true role and am at peace in knowing that this is normal. Thanks Mark.
Great attitude!! Keep it for the rest of parenthood because it will serve you well all the way through!!