Deborah Goldstein shares a conversation between her and her son, Levi, about the changes our bodies go through.
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The other day, my 8-year-old Levi had a question for me that developed into a conversation – about development – and I was reminded that parenting is all about fielding questions whether you’re ready for them or not.
Levi: Mom, why do men’s voices sound so low?
Deborah: Voices get lower during puberty, when girls’ and boys’ bodies change and become women and men.
Levi: Pyoo-brity?
Deborah: Yes, PYU-ber-tee. As you get older, your voice will get lower, and other things about you will start to change, too.
Deborah’s Thought Bubble: You’ll stink. Everyone I know with boys (and many with girls) warn me of the gym locker room that your bedroom will become, and try as I might, no matter how often how many times you shower or how many air fresheners I place strategically throughout your room, you and your surrounds will smell like the inside of a wrestler’s jockstrap — so I’ve been told.
Levi: Like I’ll get taller?
Deborah: Yes, taller. You’ll probably be much taller than I am.
Deborah’s Thought Bubble: You’ll be taller in spite of your diet. I will no longer have to worry about feeding you breakfast in the morning, however, because breakfast will be served when you wake up, well after 1pm. I will, however, still have to prepare your meals otherwise you will eat only what is readily available to you requiring no preparation or cooking of any kind, and expiration dates will have no meaning to you. I will do my best to keep you from subsisting on Hot Pockets, beef jerky, and Cocoa Puffs sunk in questionable milk.
Levi: Wow! I can’t believe how tall I’ll be!!
Deborah: And imagine all the things you’ll know! You’ll be learning all sorts of interesting things in school and reading cool books.
Deborah’s Thought Bubbble: And, for some reason, though your vocabulary will be much more extensive than it is now, words will become precious to you – so much so that you will not want to use them, choosing to nod and grunt to get your message across, parsing out phrases only when absolutely necessary. You will all but lose the ability to form complete sentences until that day that you find it necessary to incorporate premodifiers, adjectives, and superlatives to impress that special someone in your life.
Levi: I love reading! I want to read all about science because I want to be a scientist who invents things.
Deborah’s Thought Bubble: I just hope make time for reading when you will most likely take every opportunity you have to masturbate. You’ll try your best to pull your plonker whenenever the moment arises, so to speak, and I’ll try my best not to walk in your room without knocking. I’ll also make frequent runs to Costco to stock the tissue. And let me tell you this right now so that we are clear. The minute you start using your socks for anything other than to cover your feet is the minute I stop doing your laundry.
Deborah: You’ll also start to grow hair all over your body.
Levi: Like a beard?
Deborah: Yes, and in lots of other places.
Deborah’s Thought Bubble: Given my genes, back hair and a unibrow are most likely in your future. I’m sorry, but we come from hirsute stock. But because I have plucked and lasered most of my body hair, I’m going to tell you it must have been the donor.
Deborah: You’ll have hair on your chest and under your arms and on your bits.
Levi: (WIDE EYES)
Deborah: Around your penis. On your scrotum.
Levi: On my balls?!?
Deborah: Yup. And women have hair on their vaginas. It’s all a part of growing up.
Deborah’s Thought Bubble: Unless they have alopecia in which case they would have no hair anywhere – or they wax it all off as is the fashion these days.
Levi: I do NOT want hair on my balls! I do NOT!!
Deborah: You may change your mind when you’re older because it shows that you are a grown up, a man. It’s perfectly natural, and the hair may … grow on you. Get it? Grow on you?
Levi: Oh yeah. Good one. But I do NOT want that hair there.
Deborah’s Thought Bubble: While I tell you to love yourself and all that is natural about you, the minute you say the word, I’ll take you myself for your first back, crack, and sack wax.
Deborah: You know, sometimes when I look at you, I can see the man waiting to introduce himself to me, and I am overcome with love and pride. But you know the best part about growing up?
Levi: That I will be an inventor?
Deborah: Yes, and that you will be a handsome and smart and kind man, AND you will always be my little boy.
Deborah’s Thought Bubble: (no words — knot in throat)
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Photo credit:William C/flickr
This article originally appeared on VillageQ by Deborah Goldstein. Deborah publishes the blog Peaches & Coconuts and pimps herself out to just about anyone in need of lighthearted, parenting content from a Jewish lesbian. Prior to her pursuit of housewifery, Deborah lived in London and earned a respectable wage in media sales. After she and her partner had their first child and moved back to the U.S., Deborah traded regular paychecks and expense accounts for the very non-profit role of mother.
I love the (Mostly) title. Look, I’m all for body part correct language. But she knows her kid. She’s the one who talks to him. And bits may be the right word for them. The language will evolve. I’m all for body-part correct language/usage, but I’m not them. He’s 8. And she took advantage of a moment to give him some information. Did he ask? No. But if we waited to give kids information until they asked for it, especially about puberty and bodies and sex, we’d likely get nowhere. As for pegging him to be an unhygenic slacker, she’s… Read more »
Lol! This piece was absolutely hilarioys and true at the same time. I think your conversation was well done Deborah! Not creepy at all in my opinion. Like the description of the bits best of all. Cannot syand the word junk. It is not junk it is bits. Can you imagine anyone calling a vagina a junk pit???? Bits. Good and gets the point across. And i cannot stand body hair either. Just grosses me out. So there. Live with that. Your son is just another human on this planet and you told him straight up what’s up. More people… Read more »
Maybe my english is not good enough.,but in Europe no women have hair on their vagina.
Vagina is the birth canal, and hair does not grow inside our body.
This young man will be in for a huge surprise.
Silke, if hair grew “in” the vagina, I would freak out and run the other way!
🙂
Q #1 answer – The larynx (or voice box) and vocal cord tissues do not fully mature until late teenage years. “… and on your bits”???? So you’re gonna have this talk to an 8 year old who isn’t even in puberty but you’re gonna use terms like “bits?” You’re talking about vagina’s to an 8 year old? From the sounds of the conversation, things like wanting to be an inventor, what he likes to read, etc. sounds to me that he wasn’t ready for this conversation and that you didn’t need to do any prompting. He wasn’t ready to… Read more »
As a mom of an 8 year old son, I read through this thinking, “Dear Lord…is this the kind of conversation I’m supposed to be having with my kid? Because it sounds…weird. She’s answering questions he’s not even asking.”
I am so glad to hear from a man who’s been there and done that, that I’m in the right on this one.
Amanda, look in your heart. You’ll know what’s right. Don’t let any ‘lighthearted parenting comment’ sway you from doing right by your child!
Bobbt, I don’t think my comment was “lighthearted” I took this topic very seriously with my son. And although it wasn’t mentioned, it’s for darn sure I wouldn’t allow the school system to do my job, which many do.
Tom, that wasn’t about you or your comment. I lifted that phrase from the little ‘bio’ chit sheet of the author. That’s who I was referring to.
sorry about that… I should have known better. sorry
Oh he was ready for it tom. Underneath the voice question was alot more questions he didn’t know how to ask but were certainly percolating.
So, at only 8 , you’ve already pegged your son to be an unhygenic slacker who likes body waxing (sort of a conflict there) who enjoys constantly masturbating. Sounds like you’ve set high standards for him.