Aaron Brinker doesn’t ever want his son to think he’s too tired for him.
This was previously published on The Real Matt Daddy.
Before my son was born, I remember a friend telling me that he had older parents. He loved his parents, in particular his father, but he never felt like they were there for him. He told me they would come home from work and sit down, exhausted. They weren’t the overly interactive type of parents. It was something he said he hated about his childhood. I never forgot this conversation. It stuck with me as something to always think about.
Now, I am an older parent. Life and infertility problems made having a child difficult for my wife and me. It wasn’t until my 39th year that I became a father. The day my son was born, I made a pledge to him based on what my friend told me. I promised him that I would try to always be there and be a part of things. I would work hard to not always be tired and not miss out on his life.
I can tell you that I do get tired. My three-year old son has the energy of ten men, and he can sometimes go on for what seems like an eternity to me. I have determined to laugh, play, and love as much as possible. I love playing hide-and-seek, building blocks, and teaching the alphabet. I want him to know I am never too tired for him. I think I had one of my opportunities to prove this point earlier this year.
Living in Southwest Oklahoma, we don’t always see a lot of snow, and this last winter was no different. I have never really liked snow. Even as a child, snow was never my favorite thing to see. My son, Xander, had asked to see snow, and for the first time in my life I actually wanted it to happen.
It didn’t start snowing until late one February evening. I knew that it would be warm the next day, and I wanted to give Xander an opportunity to see snowflakes while they were still falling to the ground. At 11 o’clock night, long past his bedtime, I bundled him up and we ran through the snow in the backyard. I taught him to make snowballs and snow angels. We even tried to catch snowflakes with our tongues.
We laughed and played hard and our pants were soaking wet. It was cold outside but worth every minute. When we finally went inside he told me he had fun and that he loved me. The next morning, I made sure we went outside early so I could teach him to make a snowman since the snow was already melting.
I hope when my son is grown these are the type of memories he recalls. I don’t want him to remember me as tired and disinterested all the time. I want him to know that I tried to make everything count. After all, he only has one childhood, and my responsibility is to make sure it’s as good as possible.
Read more in the Real Fatherhood series.
If you would like to submit your Real Fatherhood Story to TheRealMattDaddy.com, please read the requirements, and email your submission to The Real Matt Daddy.
Images courtesy of the author
About Aaron Brinker
An inspiring article which I will try to remember whenever I come home from work exhausted and my kids want to play something. Thanks.
Thank you!
My three-year-old doesn’t understand the concept of “tired” in an adult. He does understand the need of having a father though. He wants a father that is interactive and takes part in things with him. My responsibility as a father is to remember that he won’t always want me as much as he does now. I have to take the time now so someday when he is grown and I call him he will take the time to answer the phone.
I was nearly 40 when Lukas was born, and I’m turning 45 now in 2 weeks. I hear you, and it doesn’t get any easier. Just last night we came home from a long day of work dead tired and, because the neighbors were entertaining, they had other kids over running around and having fun. They were all going inside when we arrived, which made my son pretty bummed. When he went out to the backyard I followed and suggested we play whatever he wanted. We ended up playing a long game of ‘Star Wars’ with our imagination. It involved a LOT of running around, mock battles, and rolling in the grass. I really felt like just collapsing onto the couch, but as a dad I knew he needed me at that moment.
Now we are thinking about adopting infant #2 soon. Like you, I hope to never have either think I am too old to be a good dad.
I totally understand, there have been moments that I have wanted to collapse on the couch. I always remember that time is limited where we can do things like jump, run or play. The one bad thing about being an older dad is that most of our friends do not have young children which is difficult on my son when we out with our friends. I try to keep him engaged as much possible in situations like that. If we reversed the roles I know I would get bored.
We have discussed adopting a child but money is always one of the biggest factors stopping us. I think as long as we continue to try our children will never think we are to old at being a good dad.
*ouch* … Aaron, I am busted. I’m a “younger” parent, in that I had my son the day after I turned 18, & my daughter 11 years later (so both before the big THREE-OH). Yet, when I worked full time outside the home, I still found myself exhausted & unenthusiastic toward playing. Affectionate, yes. Help with homework, make dinner, host family-night board games, all that stuff… yes. But get down in the floor & play? Heck no! Go outside &… well, go outside? NO. And now I’m a stay-at-home-parent, & I still am not very good at these things. Thank you for giving me pause for thought. I can be better. I can do better. And my kids deserve it. Even if my son is now “too old” to play (he started college this week), my daughter isn’t. I owe it to her to muster up some energy & show her how it’s done. I’m still “young”. And anyway, age is somewhat a matter of perspective. I need to “act my age”. Thanks again, friend!
Thanks so much for sharing….
As a social worker, I would work with fathers that never spent any time with their children. They wouldn’t go to school functions, birthday parties or anywhere else. I would always remind them that someday they might want their child to come home to visit. How we they feel if their child truly didn’t want to come home?
As a father, I know I want my son to want to come home to visit someday. Everyday with my son is a gift and it’s up to me to how I choose to use it. When I make a mistake I apologize and promise to do better. I work very hard to make sure I make every moment count with my son.
It’s not easy and it’s a process of learning about being a father. Any parent that wants to do better and tries to become better is never a failure. The only failure is in not trying for ourselves and our kids. They are the reason for us to become better parents.
Aaron – great piece about remembering to take the time to parent well. But I suspect the older parents of your friend who had not such a great childhood had other issues going on besides just age. My parents were both 43 when I was born, and I don’t ever remember feeling like they were too tired for me or not there for me. I was probably 10 or so before I realized my parents were unusually old (had to have it pointed out to me by one of my older sisters who wanted to know if it bothered me). From that point on, I thought it was pretty cool to have older parents. I still do – they’re now both 91, and I love seeing the look on people’s faces when I tell them that. I’m 48 and childfree, but my wife and I are trying to conceive via fertility treatments. I kinda laughed when I saw that you were only 39 when you had your son. Young’un!
Kevin,
I think it has to do a lot with the individual parents. I have had 20-year-old fathers tell me they are to busy or tired for their children. Age is a reason but not the only one. Children are much smarter than most people give them credit. Many kids will stop asking a parent to do things if they feel they are always going to hear “no.”
I wish I could say all parents were like yours and were interactive with their children. Sadly though, this is not the case. Father’s can easily become caught in the trap of placing such high priorities on work that they miss their children growing up. We are the first male role models most children will ever have and I try to remember that with all of my actions.
Many of my own friends have children that are in high school, college or parents themselves now. When I am around any of them they can make me feel older than I am. Being a father of a three-year-old makes it difficult for me to grasp having a child as old as many of my friends do. I know though the trend is pushing men to start fatherhood later in life (I am still ahead of the national average.)
Being that my wife and I went through fertility treatments for a several years before our son was born I wish you and your wife all the success in the world. I know it is a challenge for both of you but never give up hope.
These WILL be the memories your son will have, Aaron. Xander is lucky to have you as his father. You’re right, people often get tired and bogged down by life and forget to play with their kids. It means so much to them (and us!).
Life flies by, it’s important to make the most of it, especially when it comes to our children.
A most excellent post!
Thank you!
I agree that time passes to quickly. I already wonder where my little boy went many days. I never expected a three-year-old going on 30 already. It’s one of those things they don’t tell you about fatherhood…it all goes by very quick. I just try to live each day to the fullest with my family. I have learned I want to show my son that I can laugh, love and live fully because he is in my life now. Fatherhood is an opportunity for any man to do something great with their life.
Hi Aaron,
My I have a brother and sister who are about 23-25yrs years younger than me. My Dad decided to become a Dad again, when he was just over 50yrs. And I have to say it is so much more about attitude than age! Regardless of when you have children, one of the most important things you can do is to be engaged with them. I also have the awesome benefit of having two more siblings (I also have a brother who’s two yrs younger than me). I really like receiving all the fun of having young kids around, and the messy stuff stays with Mum and Dad :p
Becca,
I am glad you enjoyed my post! Being an older parent is nothing but a state of mind to me. I take each day as they come and look forward to the opportunities to help my son develop. I never try to forget the importance of just being his father. I know he will grow-up far to fast for my liking!