Men cling to bachelorhood as a defining chapter of their lives, but becoming a husband and father is much more personally defining than being single could ever be, writes Ryan W. Bradley.
I once posed for photographs in high heels and women’s lingerie. I was twenty. The pictures were meant to go with an April Fool’s edition of my college newspaper, but got nixed by the university for being too racy. My friend who edited the paper and took the picture was surprised I agreed to take part.
Outwardly I suppose I can be a bit daunting. I’m not tall, but I’m stocky, arms covered in tattoos, and people usually say I look angry, whether I am or not. People have said I look like a bouncer, a skinhead, or just an asshole. I used to be in a punk band. I have a loud, deep voice. And sure, I can be a man’s man. I’ve done construction and other blue collar jobs and have never had trouble fitting in, being one of the guys. It usually helps that I can drink most people under the table.
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Growing comfortable with one’s self, owning your own brand of manhood is a long journey, one that likely has no end.
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I have always treaded a line between “macho” male and “sensitive” male. What people don’t usually see: The times where I want nothing more than to hold my wife in my arms. People have no way of knowing based on my looks that I like to stay up late reading poetry. More than anything else, good poetry makes me fall in love with words, hence my forthcoming homage to Pablo Neruda. I have four sisters and have always gotten along as well with women as I have with men, sometimes even better.
But what is gender, what is a man? More importantly, what is a man supposed to be? In a recent episode of Louis C.K.’s hilarious show, Louie, he remarked that heterosexual males are the only group that cares about being mistaken for anything other than a heterosexual male. This is one of those “funny because it’s true” things. Growing comfortable with one’s self, owning your own brand of manhood is a long journey, one that likely has no end.
In high school I was constantly harassed for being gay. I’m not gay, but I wore button-down shirts and didn’t have girlfriends. I had been actively aware of my intense attraction to women since I was six years old and kept a stash of stolen Victoria’s Secret catalogs in my closet. I even kept Sears catalogs for the women’s underwear sections.
Being called gay didn’t make me insecure or doubt my sexual orientation. Still, the harassment angered me. I was raised by ex-hippies, people who made it clear, despite the homogenous areas where we lived, that all people are of equal worth and respect. I was angry about the lack of respect, for me, for homosexuals, and for the ignorance of those harassing me. Respect for other humans doesn’t seem a lot to ask of people of any age.
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Where does it start, the intolerance and the journey of one’s self image? It starts as soon as life starts. From the moment our children are brought into the world we begin modeling behaviors they will come to inherently accept as a baseline of how to exist as a human.
My four year old has often been mistaken for a girl. He has long curly hair, that in a way has become his trademark. His curls were past his shoulders (and nearly to his waist when wet) when we first cut his hair. I’m not ashamed to say I nearly cried. I don’t cry often, and crying in general makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but even thinking about my son’s haircuts chokes me up. Recently we took him to get his first professional haircut and my emotional response was repeated.
I don’t remember when my hair was long, but there are pictures of me at three with long blonde curls, and at four with a hideous bowl-cut. There is no doubt I was mistaken for a girl at least as often as my son has been. And I’m certain my parents laughed it off the way I do now.
My son is a beautiful boy. He has wild hair that I love because it represents him as a person, he has been known for his crazy mop of hair since he was first born. In a way his hair has become a physical manifestation of his personality. The idea of his long curls being gone forces me to think about the day when he chooses to have short hair, when he will be fully his own person, taking another of the steps of independence that are integral to a child’s development.
Yet, I’m not attached to the idea of him not growing up, I’m not clinging to his age. He represents a growth in my journey as a man, and I believe that is where the emotions come into play. I am a different man as a father than I was before, just as all parents are. It is a role we come to define ourselves by whether we intend to or not.
Men especially cling to bachelorhood as a defining chapter of their lives. But becoming a husband, a father, is much more defining than being single could ever be. Because ultimately it is not about the self, it is about the incorporation of others into our lives. It takes a new level of maturity in our lives to be able to do that, which is why commitment comes to men at various points in our lives.
As a father my job is to make my children love themselves, own their personalities, grow comfortable with who they are as individuals. If my kids can feel that in their lives, it will transfer to how they relate to the world around them, make them accepting of peoples’ differences, appreciative of every human’s uniqueness.
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My thirteen year old step-son has long embraced his eccentricities, and has had an experience with school that mirrors much of my own experiences. Being teased for countless superficial and fabricated reasons, not least among them for being gay. The perpetuation of these patterns is, and will always be, environmental. As Nelson Mandela says,
“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
And so I am forced to examine the example of manhood that I am unwittingly portraying for my sons.
No, I won’t be showing my sons the pictures of me in drag or encouraging them to read the romantic poetry I write. So, what can I do? All I can really do is lead by example, be a man who is comfortable with himself.
I may be a quiet and reserved father, but that is part of who I am, too. It is my challenge in life to show them a man who can be those things while being strong, moral, and hardworking. To show them a man who is unafraid of showing affection, expressing love. A man who is not ashamed of sometimes being scared, not knowing the answers, or being confused about the twists and turns of life. When manhood becomes fatherhood it is just another growth process.
Being a man isn’t about being macho or being sensitive anymore than being a father is about having a child. Manhood is not quantifiable. It cannot be defined because it is too many things. Likewise a father is about more than having a child, it is about embracing that child’s life and fostering it. Why should manhood be any different? It is never too late to foster ourselves, to improve on a daily basis.
If we put in that sort of effort, just imagine the portrait we will be modeling for our children. Imagine the world generations from now when manhood has been measured not by stereotypes or definitions, but by effort and human progress. If you can imagine that, you will know what you know the first time you hold your child in your hands or kiss the love of your life: that anything truly is possible.
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About Ryan W. Bradley
A thoughtful piece overall, but you might want to revisit the tone when it comes to parents vs. nonparents. Condemning childless men as ‘less mature’ is something sexists do, and I’m sure that wasn’t your intent.
Actually, you may want to read the article again. He never condemned childless men as “less mature.”
You’re right. When he said “But becoming a husband, a father, is much more defining than being single could ever be…. It takes a new level of maturity in our lives to be able to do that,” he was actually talking about puppies.
I got the same tone from that paragraph.
Parents put themselves on pedestals, as if they did something uniquely fantastic. As long as you have viable sperm and a mate with viable eggs, you can be a parent. Those aren’t the most rigorous of standards (being a good parent is an entirely different story).
He said, “But becoming a husband, a father, is much more defining than being single could ever be.” Four years ago, I would have expected to have children by now. My wife and I divorced. I don’t have kids. From my perspective, this incredibly dismissive of the type of growth that I have experienced since my divorce. In this way, my divorce has been an immensely positive and defining experience in my life. But by his standards, I am somehow not living up to my true potential because I got divorced and I don’t have kids.
Are single and childless men doomed to some sort of stunted manhood? Does manhood not have its own inherent qualities, or is manhood intrinsically defined in relation to other things i.e., wives and children?
First of all, I don’t care care that people call me gay – when gay men hit on me, I’m fine with it. What I care about is the disrespect they intend by calling me gay, because a man doesn’t allow such disrespect to go unanswered. There is nothing wrong with being gay. There is everything wrong with allowing others to walk all over you.
Second, I don’t ‘cling’ to bachelorhood. I refuse to get married because the institution of marriage is broken. Family court is staffed by @$$holes that think this is still 1963, that alimony has a valid purpose in the modern world, and that a man’s only contribution to his family should come from his wallet. Divorce is overwhelmingly initiated by women, and it overwhelmingly favors women. The women of my generation don’t stick things out for exactly that reason – they put their five years in, and then they leave whenever things get inconvenient. My generation is broken – people always tell men of my generation how they should act, but it’s become sacrilege to ever ‘suggest’ that maybe a woman might be doing the wrong thing. If the men of my generation act like children – and that is clearly what you’re saying – then the women act like spoiled little princesses.
If you want men to marry, fix the institution of marriage. Fix divorce. Do not try to shame us into doing something that isn’t good for us. I am a man. I do not need to ‘man up’. No man – a real man – would give in to this kind of BS, anyway. A real man stands strong for what he believes in and lets the chips fall where they may.
He wasn’t shaming anyone into doing anything; he was speaking from his experience of how marriage and parenthood affected his relationship to the notion of “manhood.”
Ryan: “Men especially cling to bachelorhood as a defining chapter of their lives. But becoming a husband, a father, is much more defining than being single could ever be. Because ultimately it is not about the self, it is about the incorporation of others into our lives. It takes a new level of maturity in our lives to be able to do that, which is why commitment comes to men at various points in our lives.”
No offense, but a life of fatherhood is frought with hazards as well. Most of it from society’s ignorant judgements.
Who’s expected to be the bread winner in a family unit? The father.
Who’s expected to play mr-fix-it? The father.
Read this article as well: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-a-dad-take-his-daughter-clothes-shopping-and-other-indignities-of-modern-dadhood/
Next time you want to claim fatherhood as more defining than bachelorhood, think long and hard about what fathers go through and the amount of judgement heaped on them no matter how hard they work at raising their children and family.
Ryan: “Imagine the world generations from now when manhood has been measured not by stereotypes or definitions, but by effort and human progress.”
That’s exactly what bachlors are doing, except a different way. You want stereotypes and definitions, forced into the role of disposable provider and looked on as a potential predator are others. I think real growth is measured not in titles but breaking free of restrictive expectations.
I don’t know about that Copyleft. I don’t think I agree with you. I think that what he’s describing is focusing on caring for others as a defining part of manhood, rather than biologically creating offspring. I’ve known plenty of men who had spawned children but didn’t incorporate fatherhood into their identities, and I’ve usually felt a certain level of disdain for that attitude. I don’t like feeling that way about anyone, but I do. I’m not perfect by a long shot.
As for it being sexist, I don’t really understand the connection. Do you mean that using parenthood as a defining value is something that people who think men are nothing without women believe?
Thanks for this article. This was an excellent contribution to the heart of this site’s dialogue – what it means to be a “good man.”
It’s sexist because feminism freed women from the expectation that they must be married-with-kids to be considered “real grownup women,” but that expectation is still in place for men… supported by many women, quite a few of them feminists themselves. Insisting that men conform to the old stereotypical roles, and criticizing any other path, is sexism.
Good stuff Ryan-
It’s curious- as my time living with my children, unless they move back, gets closer I spend a lot of time contemplating how it has warped me to be a Father- or at least the Father I am.
I donned marriage and fatherhood at the wrong time with the wrong person like purchasing a more mature jacket & hairstyle.
As a buddy once remarked, guys our age don’t make new friends. we hang out with guys who’s kids our kids know, or whose wives our wives,our wives.
Fatherhood and marriage are increasingly looking like a phase I’m ready to grow out of.
My kids don’t especially like me, nor I them.
For a variety of reasons my daughter is the one who shares my values most-
My sons are shallow muscle bound pussies or grasping consumers or entitled brats.
I had the opportunity to visit one of my sons in jail a week ago and told him I will gladly forgo being his father for the rest of his life if that is part of what it takes to help,him straighten his act out. Further I expressed an interest in us finding some commonality as adults some day.
“The idea of his long curls being gone forces me to think about the day when he chooses to have short hair, when he will be fully his own person, taking another of the steps of independence that are integral to a child’s development.”
Your son might like long hair. Conformism for conformism’s sake is sooo overrated.
We as men are bombarded by the MSM about how bad we are, men do it to men, women do it to men. There are entire industries dedicated to the deconstruction of manhood (whatever that means) and are trying to change men into their vision. These people claim to be doing because “Men start all the war”, “Men are more violent” etc etc. All true btw, but you know what scares me, is that this “manhood”, also invented damn near everything on the planet as well. This fact gets lost in the whole deal doesn’t it. I am reminded of an episode of Bill Maher where Michael Moore pointed out that overfishing is done by men (again this is true) until Bill pointed out that women (as well as men) eat and consume this fish and if women (and men) didn’t consume it, there wouldn’t be overfishing. This is the crux of everything, while men do bad things from time to time, they mostly do good and even when they do ‘bad’, the are doing FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
My favourite saying is this
“Pacifism is a shifty doctrine under which a man accepts the benefits of the social
group without being willing to pay; and claims a halo for his dishonesty”
@Ryan
Life is choices, now a days it can be extremely advantageous to stay single but in non common law close relationships with benefits since that gives independence security & emotional & sexual fulfillment for both parties with a way out for both without risking the nest egg, inheritance which are very important now a days, the trend is going that way anyway one of the stupidest & riskier thing to do is to get married just because a number of your friends decided to go traditional.
The idea of children is highly risky & totally over valued & seen a lot of guys regretting making that mistake .
“In a recent episode of Louis C.K.’s hilarious show, Louie, he remarked that heterosexual males are the only group that cares about being mistaken for anything other than a heterosexual male”
That’s blatantly untrue. Heterosexual women don’t tend to be very complimented by being told they look masculine and I’ve heard plenty of the same worry about coming accross gay.
Wait, Peter. You’re equating two different things. You’re presuming that a lesbian hitting on a woman implies she’s masculine, or that a gay guy hitting on a man implies he’s feminine.
I think Louis CK is probably right, if a girl hits on me, I don’t presume I look butch (though I’m a tomboy), I just assume someone thinks I’m hot, so i like it!
“Wait, Peter. You’re equating two different things. You’re presuming that a lesbian hitting on a woman implies she’s masculine, or that a gay guy hitting on a man implies he’s feminine.
I think Louis CK is probably right, if a girl hits on me, I don’t presume I look butch (though I’m a tomboy), I just assume someone thinks I’m hot, so i like it!”
That’s not how I see it.
I see women being afraid of being judged as too masculine, or too unfeminine. Just not to the extent men are afraid to be thought of the slightest tiny bit as feminine…but the punitive measures are also of a different degree.
It’s not about being hit on. A heterosexual guy would not want to be seen as a homosexual guy, even if he is a hairdresser, a gymnast, a figure skater. Because he’s not gay, period.
Men do cling to their bachelorhood for the very reason that IT IS a defining part of our lives. It is as much a part of our learning and growth as adolescence and childhood. You are learning how to be on your own, how to care for yourself, how to be a responsible adult. And yes, doing all of the stupid things that young and single men do. I myself am guilty of just about every stereotypical behavior that can be attributed to a 20-something bachelor, and you know what? I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I had fun, I learned a lot, I grew as a man. In fact, if I may be so bold to even say that the events of my bachelorhood had a very real and direct effect on the man I grew into. And all of those things I learned as a bachelor, things like: patience, perseverance, self reliance, and the ability to accept myself for myself, have all helped me to become a better husband and father. So of course I cling to my bachelorhood as a defining chapter of my life- because it is, its just not the whole story.
Great article. I think that you are bang on with regards to your explanation of masculinity. I think masculinity is striving to be your best despite the circumstances, standing up for what you believe in even if it is unpopular and feeling a deep self-love and acceptance. Actually, those are good rules to live by regardless of sex. You sound like a beautiful father.