Karen Jones shares two personal stories on the presence and absence of fathers in their children’s lives.
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There are literally countless stories throughout history of the impact of fathers on their kids’ lives—the presence of them, as well as the lack of them.
I want to share two stories with you, both very personal, not just about how important fathers are, but—more specifically—how often women don’t really take that to heart, and the harm it causes to their kids.
The first story I want to share is my own. When I was two and a half, my mother left my father, with my younger sister (aged one) in tow (and my youngest sister in utero).
We had been living in Turkey, which was where my father, an Air Force pilot, was stationed. We moved to New Hampshire.
I went from seeing my daddy every day—unless he was flying a mission, basking in his love (and he in mine—apparently I was the “the apple of his eye” and he was my favorite human—I had a dog I loved, too, I hear), to seeing him once or twice a year.
I developed a devastating belief about myself, which took me years of hard work and many failed relationships to change—including a marriage: believing I wasn’t worthy of being loved without working to earn it.
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I developed a devastating belief about myself, which took me years of hard work and many failed relationships to change—including a marriage: believing I wasn’t worthy of being loved without working to earn it.
You see, what I did, and what kids do, was to believe that if I had been worthy of love, my daddy would never have left me.
At that young age, I had no capacity to understand that it was actually my mother who’d done the leaving. I also had no way of knowing that she had left him devastated at the loss of his family.
My father actually never fully recovered from this death of his life as he knew it; the booze never ended his pain, but it did end his life.
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The second story I want to tell you about was witnessing what my husband’s ex-wife did, shortly after she divorced him.
Craig was a devoted father, volunteering at the kids’ school in the afternoons, reading aloud to them at bedtime, sacrificing his own happiness to stay in a shitty marriage for his children’s sake.
She moved out of state, knowing he didn’t have the financial means at the time to fight her. She may also have known that, during that time, he didn’t have the emotional resources to fight, either.
So he went from seeing his kids all the time, to that awful “every other weekend” scenario that gets played out for millions of kids.
She even admitted to him during a particularly challenging situation that she felt the kids were better off without him in their lives.
There was no need for her to admit that to him; her actions broadcast her attitude, loudly and clearly.
I watched his kids get into more and more trouble over time: drugs, sex at a very young age, legal trouble, awful results in school (when they went).
There’s a lot of information available about the impact of fathers in their kids’ lives.
“Growing up without a father may be a root cause of many social ills—from crime to academic failure.” – David Popenoe, Life Without Father
My husband tried to help his kids understand, without throwing the ex under the bus (he is a class act, that hubby of mine!), how much he has always loved them, and how much he wanted to be in their lives.
He basically had to wait it out until his kids got old enough that their mother wasn’t mediating his relationship with them, and they could make their own decisions about their father and could choose to have a relationship with him.
I’m happy to report that it’s going very well!
As a relationship coach for 18 years, being so focused on the relationships between men and women, I’ve seen how often this scenario of putting distance between fathers and their kids plays out.
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As a relationship coach for 18 years, being so focused on the relationships between men and women, I’ve seen how often this scenario of putting distance between fathers and their kids plays out. Whether it’s because the ex-wife falls in love with someone who lives far away and moves to be with him, or a job takes her to another state, or she decides to return to her family of origin’s community (or simply wanderlust compels her to move away), women are taking their kids away from their fathers at a disturbing rate.
If you’re a father reading this, and this is your story, I am so sorry for your pain.
If you’re interested in understanding more about the relationship between fathers and daughters, I recommend one of the books written by Linda Nielsen, Ph.D. She’s a professor at Wake Forest University and teaches the only course in the country on the relationship between fathers and daughters. I interviewed her when I was writing my book, Men are Great, and loved what she had to say about the importance of fathers in a girl’s life!
And hey, I’m not in la-la land, by the way. I do know that there are some men who are dangerous and should be removed from the family’s life. Those are in the minority, though. What’s way more prevalent is the belief, held by way too many women, that their kids don’t need their father.
Wrong!
The positive impact of the presence of fathers in children’s lives? Immeasurable. The negative impact of the lack of fathers in children’s lives? Devastating.
Photo—greg/Flickr
Nicely done Karen. I am appreciating more and more how research shows the importance of a father to their children’s lives. Way overdue in my opinion!
This was a great article Karen! 🙂 I have been in this boat twice & it has been very exhausting mentally & physically keeping the relationship with my kids as “normal” as possible. My spiritual strength has kept me from going crazy at times & I teach my children to have a strong spiritual foundation too.
Also I don’t know why someone always has to post a comment that takes away from the primary focus point of the article? Lol Great article! 🙂
Thanks for the great feedback, Edmond. And your kids are lucky that you found a way to take care of yourself so you could/can be there for them. Awesome!
I suggest the documentary “Absent.” It’s about voluntary absent fathers, but the effects are the same.
So true, Cab – no matter how it happened, the effects are the same. Thanks for your comment!