A dad discovers a common compliment for girls is not as positive as many think. It is a trap. Here is his plan to free his daughter from its grasp.
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Our words matter.
For someone who communicates for a living, it’s a constant, ever-present truth.
Words don’t just express the thoughts of the speaker, they form thoughts in the hearer.
When people say anything about us; when they question our character, or evaluate our actions, or critique our appearances, they force us to react; to sift those words for truth or defend against what is false, and in so many ways, they define, and shape, and renovate us.
I think a lot about the words I use with my children these days, because I remember.
I remember the words spoken by my parents decades ago; how so many are burned into my memory; random, trivial things that they would never have realized were going to stick.
I know that the words I simply spit out in fleeting moments of anger, or silliness, or celebration, all do something to my kids. They all alter them in some way; building confidence, shaping identity, forming fears, paving paths.
I may be wrong, but lately I’m beginning to worry about calling my 4-year old daughter “pretty” so much, not because I don’t think she’s beautiful, and not because I don’t want her to feel beautiful, but because I think “pretty” can be a prison for a young girl.
Having spent nearly two decades ministering to teens and pre-teens, I’ve seen just how destructive and insidious and claustrophobic the pressure can be, for young women to be attractive and thin and sexy.
I’ve walked alongside them as they starved themselves to be some unattainable perfect weight, I’ve watched them desperately fishing for compliments with a parade of revealing Instagram photos, and I’ve seen them use their bodies as currency, to try to purchase attention, and affection, and love.
I’ve always wondered if these were somehow the soul-responses, of little girls trapped in “pretty.”
I look at my little girl, and I wonder what I can do to give her a sense of identity and worth as she grows, that isn’t tied to her physicality.
Pretty. It’s so easy to let that word come out, not just because she is certainly that to me, but because it seems like a kindness. It feels like encouragement to speak over her, but I’m just not sure anymore.
Does acknowledging my daughter’s appearance so frequently and so explicitly, force her to find value in it, above anything else?
It’s always seemed like such an odd thing to me anyway; to compliment someone on the one area of their being that they can’t claim ownership of or really control; their height, or eye shape, or hair softness. (Heck, if she is physically beautiful, thank me and her mother. All my daughter did was show-up!)
Years ago, I remember talking with a mom, whose 11th grade daughter was dealing with the fallout from some really horrible substance abuse choices. As the woman relayed the previous night’s conversation, she recalled saying to her daughter: “Shelly, how could you let this happen? I mean, you’re so pretty! You’re so beautiful! How could you end-up doing this?”
I knew this girl and her family well. I knew she’d been told over and over and over how gorgeous she was, and I saw this girl strive and strain to try and live into that identity, to her detriment. Now that identity, (her pretty-ness), was supposed to be some sort of Kryptonite against bad choices; that because she was beautiful, she ought to also be fine.
I really want to get this “words” thing right with my daughter, and I feel like I’m not going to cut it.
I can try to glean all I can from the years I’ve spent working with teenage girls, and I can have hours of conversations with my wife. I can read tons of books and studies, and I can do all I can to be compassionate, and wise, and diligent, but ultimately I can’t be female.
I can’t really step into her shoes, and so I may be totally off-track; sounding an alarm where there’s no real danger.
This may not even be the right question to ask, but I’m asking it, because my daughter is worth it.
I want her to grow-up feeling amazing, and creative, and smart, and loved, and funny, and yes, beautiful, but I don’t want her to have that beauty defined by the mirror or a magazine, by her waistline or her cup size, by the length of her lashes or her legs.
I’ve seen “pretty” become a prison for so many young girls, and I want more than anything to make sure my daughter lives freely and lightly; feeling a beauty that gives her heart wings, not weight.
Originally published on JohnPavlovitz.com
Photot: Flickr/Anna Imhof
I have a question. Why doesn’t it affect boys and why are boys having so many body issue problems today? When I was younger, my mom, an aunt, or an older cousin would sometimes remark your handsome. How many babies where not considered cute. I know several women who dote on small children even boys as old as 6 or 7. Yet something conditioned that out of us when I was younger. Something that was reinforced on girls throughout their growing up. How do you insulate them from societal influences? One more thing to consider. Boys are an increasing percentage… Read more »
One small, rant-y answer: We could start by being more careful with our adjectives. I live near the site of a recent school shooting. The local headline said something like “Popular Student Shoots Others, Stuns School.” What the HELL does it matter whether he was popular or not? Because popular students are inherently more trustworthy somehow? It’s no surprise when the unpopular kids go on a shooting spree, because that’s just how they are, right? Popular kids wouldn’t do anything wrong, assuming that popularity is directly related to moral integrity, humanitarian decency, and peacefulness. We could stop using “pretty” and… Read more »
I had the opposite problem. I don’t remember my father, or my mother for that matter, ever telling me that I was pretty. Not once. Not ever, even when I dressed up for my first dance or showed off the Ren Faire costume I’d worked on for weeks (I was a geek). Truth be told, I was a funny looking kid, but it would have been nice to think someone thought I was pretty. I grew up thinking I must be ugly, although looking back at my high school pictures from the perspective of middle age, I was a pretty… Read more »
As a man that’s pretty much never told he is attractive, sexy, pretty, handsome, etc I feel similar in feeling quite ugly. I think it’s important to compliment each other on all attributes, including looks. Being told how sweet, funny, intelligent, and creative I am doesn’t mean a whole deal if I am not also attractive to some degree as I too want love, family, romance, etc. I don’t see scores of people lining up to date people that aren’t seen as attractive physically.
Jen, I was thinking about something similar. No dad wants to be known as “the dad who never told me I was pretty.” This seems like a bit of a tightrope to walk, don’t say it too much but don’t never say it either? If a dad doesn’t want his daughter caught in the pretty trap, he’ll also have to fight against the larger media culture we live in. Think about how many times you see on the news or on true crime shows like Dateline, that if a girl is a victim of something, the suggestion is that it’s… Read more »
Ethan- I’m glad you brought up the point you did. I was a kid who did not fit into societies standards of beauty or athleticism, I was overweight and had freckles and was nerdy and bookish. Upon hitting middle school and puberty, I found myself bullied for these things, not in any sort of extreme manner, but enough that I knew I was not attractive. I was incredibly self conscious in middle school, and quite depressed, and would spend hours in my room looking at my waist line and comparing it to my friends, or trying to cover up my… Read more »
Yes, “Pretty” alone is a trap. It locks a girls self esteem into a superficial and fleeting paradigm. But how about this: Pretty and smart. Pretty and good at math. Pretty and athletic. Pretty and creative. Pretty and caring…. you get the picture. It is important for girls to think that their dad thinks they are pretty, especially as they approach those difficult years of menarch and the ensuing teenage years. A boy can feel confident, even if he looks in the mirror and sees he was graced with average face and proportions, because he knows he can excell in… Read more »
As young woman, I have to respectfully disagree. What you described in your second paragraph is exactly the reason why we need more dads like John. Why is it acceptable that a girl must be pretty, before she is anything else? Why can’t she just be good at maths, or science, or sports, or music, without the pressure of making sure she’s still pretty and desirable, on top of that? It’s just unfair. Women are constantly criticised, disrespected and undermimed, because no matter how good they are at something, it doesn’t matter unless they also look good doing it. It’s… Read more »
^ 100% agree