We crave connection with our children but often screw it up. Intentional parenting expert Mike Berry has some tips to help you bridge the gap.
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A few weeks ago, my family and I were fortunate to head south and spend six days in Tennessee for Spring Break. To say that it was relaxing and rejuvenating would be an understatement. I disconnected from my email and social media for several days, not to mention my iPhone. I decided before we went on break that I needed to do this for my sake, but mostly my family’s sake.
On the second morning I was sitting in the living room of our vacation house when a tidal wave of little people flooded the room.
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It wasn’t easy, but, I loved it. For the first time in many months I was able to “unplug” from the usual hustle of work and life and just be in the moment. On the second morning I was sitting in the living room of our vacation house when a tidal wave of little people flooded the room. They jumped in my lap and wrapped their tiny hands around my neck. For the next 30 minutes I snuggled with them on the sofa and waited for daybreak.
Priceless!
I would’ve missed it had I been consumed by email, text messages, or my twitter feed.
Sometimes, I’m really bad at putting my devices down and really connecting to my family. How in the world could I connect in the midst of everything I have to do in life?
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As I sat still, taking in the moment, breath completely gone, the thought came to me: “In this new year, I want to connect more than ever to my family.” This is more important than anything. But it’s really hard for me to do. Sometimes, I’m really bad at putting my devices down and really connecting to my family. How in the world could I connect in the midst of everything I have to do in life? Ever asked this question? If so, you’re not alone! (It’s one of the biggest reasons my blog has the word “Confession” in it’s title! :-))
Here are a few ways I’ve tried that have helped me and will help you better connect with your children-
1. Choose to connect.
The truth is—there isn’t a secret formula or mathematical equation to connecting to your kids (which is good because I failed algebra). It really comes down to choice. You have to choose to put turn your phone off. You must choose to get off your computer and hang out with your family. You must make the choice to connect to your kids. It’s 97% choice, 3% know-how. If you frame the choice as, “Am I choosing to connect or am I choosing to disconnect in this moment,” it becomes much clearer and easier to make.
2. Lead, don’t lecture.
The problem is that lecturing almost always causes a child to zone-out.
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My wife and I are natural lecturers. She’s from a long line of educators and I was raised by 2 type-A personalities. We can talk your ear off. Plus, being in ministry, we’re both used to teaching and leading. You get the idea. We recently discovered that when talking things over with our children, especially in discipline and correction, we tend to lecture. Admittedly, we do this for one reason—we want a reaction. Don’t we all as parents? Nothing angers a well-intentioned parent more than when their child gives them the “I don’t care” look. So, we resort to lecturing in order to get a response. The problem is that lecturing almost always causes a child to zone-out.
Think of that college class where the professor spent an hour lecturing. How much do you remember? Children are changed and corrected more by parents who lead them, not by those who lecture. The class from college that I remember the most, and was most impacted by, was the class where the professor “led” me to New York City to teach me about urban cultures. He didn’t lecture, he invited us into an experience. You can lead your children in times where discipline is necessary and in times where there are lessons to be taught.
The biggest reason I resort to lecturing is actually disconnection. I am connected to so many other things (other people, my phone, my email, social networks, appointments, etc.), and not fully to my kids in the moment when I need to communicate with them. So when they respond to my direction in a way that frustrates me and draws me away from my other responsibilities, I make up for the lost time by lecturing. That might sound strange, but I think we naturally resort to this when we are disconnected in attempt to balance both worlds. The problem is: we can’t be in fully in both worlds. And we cannot manage both worlds simultaneously. Some people would disagree, but I believe you can’t multitask and be an effective parent. You need to focus on one thing at a time. Disconnection from work world and engagement into family world is key.
3. Stop thinking you have a lot of time.
My challenge to myself and to all of you is to stop wasting time! Take advantage of every moment you have with your children.
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I’m not a panicky person. I don’t have many worries. But lately it seems my kids are growing faster than I want them to. The daughter I once held tightly in my arms as a baby stands taller than my wife and can almost look me in the eye. Scary! And don’t get me started on their “interest” in boys! We get into this mode of thinking that time waits for us. Guess what? It doesn’t. They’re growing, and fast! My challenge to myself and to all of you is to stop wasting time! Take advantage of every moment you have with your children. Their childhood will be over, and they’ll be heading off to college, or walking down the aisle of a church, before you know it.
It’s a tough challenge but it’s one we all need. Personally, I struggle with this a lot. I bet many of you do as well. The truth is, this is more of a tension we have to manage than a problem we can solve. We will always face a connection battle in life. We will always have to choose between our children and all the other commitments we’ve made. Making the right choice begins when you and I decide what, or who, takes top priority in our lives. And for me, despite my passion for my work, my top priority is my family.
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Photo—Bill Abbott/Flickr