Andy Hinds doesn’t swear in front of his kids and he has a message for parents that do
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I took my four-year-old twins to our favorite pizza joint for lunch yesterday, and they wanted to sit in the back, at a booth, like we always do. About six feet away from us, in a semi-private nook, sat five adults and two toddlers. It was a raucous group, prone to outbursts and potty talk.
I should be clear that the toddlers were fine. It was the grown-ups who needed to use their inside voices.
The kids and I were focused on our slices, and I’m sure the loud, profanity-laden conversation coming from the next table washed over my girls like ambient street noise. I, however, couldn’t help but flinch every time I heard the so-called adults at that table say “shit” and “bitch.”
I have already established that I’m a hypocrite, and I’ll be the first to admit that, in many social situations, I cuss like a motherfucking sailor. There are definitely times when swearing is appropriate and effective. And it’s kind of bullshit that there are certain words that make people clutch their pearls when used in an “inappropriate” environment. They’re just words, right? I mean, there’s a lot of classist fucking horseshit wrapped up in that, as there is with people using certain dialects and speaking ungrammatically. We instantly judge people’s intelligence, values, social position, competence, etc. on how they speak, and that shit is pretty fucked up.
Nonetheless, I almost never swear in front of my kids, or anyone else’s kids, as difficult as it may be. (Actually, it’s gotten easier, and I find myself cussing less frequently even in situations where it would be appropriate.) I also very rarely speak ungrammatically in front of my kids, even when it sounds a little bit formal for kiddie chit-chat. The reason is simply that I want my kids to speak Standard English, using the kind of diction and tone that will not get them judged negatively by all the fucking judgmental assholes like me in the world. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this thinking.
So the fuckwads at the next booth at the pizza place were yelling and swearing and drinking (illegally—the restaurant doesn’t have a liquor license, but turns a blind eye to people who BYOB) their Coors Light (their lowbrow taste in beer was yet another thing about which I judged them), and, at one point, one of the moms got up and ran to the bathroom, her toddler in her arms. But she was thwarted as the one-seater was ocupado.
“Oh, shit, you guys!” She yelled. “Someone is taking a shit in there! That’s not cool! I have to piss so bad!” Then she ran over and banged on the bathroom door and yelled, “Hurry up in there! I’m gonna shit on the floor!” She giggled and ducked behind a wall in case the person in the bathroom were to come bursting out.
I must have shot her a look, because she covered her mouth guiltily and said, “Hi, pretty girls” to my kids.
So the dipshit mom was eventually able to take care of her business, and then she sat back down at her table full of stupid fuck friends. One guy worked the word “shit” into every sentence. Sometimes “shit” was the entirety of his contribution to the conversation. I continued to feign the same level of obliviousness as my kids to the crass spew of these fucking lowlifes.
As we finished our pizza, the conversation next to us grew louder and more vulgar. The asshole mom who had threatened to drop a deuce on the floor casually dropped an f-bomb, using it as a modifier to emphasize the extent to which she didn’t care about something or other. I was surprised when the guy whose vocabulary seemed limited to the word “shit” and derivatives thereof, reprimanded the fucking dirtbag mom.
“Hey, c’mon. Don’t use the f-bomb in front of kids,” said Shithead.
“Fuck you. I’ll fucking say what I want,” replied Mama Fuckface.
“That’s not cool. I never drop f-bombs in front of kids,” the righteous Shithead declared.
“What do you want?” Fuckface said, “A fucking Brownie badge?”
… I want my kids to speak Standard English, using the kind of diction and tone that will not get them judged negatively by all the fucking judgmental assholes like me in the world. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this thinking.
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This went on for a while and the rest of the crew of shitheels joined in, with the table divided into pro-f-bomb and anti-f-bomb camps. The potty-mouthed mom argued that she was essentially being a responsible parent by exposing her pre-verbal child to filthy language. “I don’t want him to be confused when he hears people say ‘fuck’,” she said.
At this point, we were finished with our pizza. I bussed our table, and, since the trash can was (appropriately) right next to this table teeming with human filth, I leaned in to add some insight to their lively conversation.
“You know what?” I started. “It’s entirely up to you how you speak in front of your own kids, but as a courtesy to other parents, it would be nice if you didn’t hurl f-bombs at the top of your lungs in a restaurant full of kids.”
I didn’t really think it was possible to get drunk from Coors Light, but Mama Fuckface must have shotgunned quite a number of them, because, when she went off on me, she took a perplexing approach.
“Oh, yeah, right…” she said, contorting her vapid features into a taunting duckface and bobbling her sloshy head from side to side. “You’re so awesome, dude,” she mocked, throwing sarcastic shakas with her meaty paws. “Hang Ten, bro.” This amused some of her companions, and I could hear laughter as I walked away with my kids.
I chuckled, bemused, at the idea that she thought I was some kind of surfer dude. I was wearing grey Dickies shorts and a black t-shirt that had grout stains on it because I had been tiling a kitchen that morning. I also wore a green baseball hat with a faded Mountain Hardware logo on it. I was carrying a nylon across-the-body-strap backpack thing (okay, a murse) and was accompanied by two little girls in sundresses and Hello Kitty shoes. How did she get “brah” out of that?
I’ve been tinkering with some theories about how a rebuke in Standard English from a square, if a bit dirty, dad could be mistaken as surfer aggression. Maybe Mama Fuckface went to high school with a bunch of surfer kids who were rich and entitled and bullied her because she was so fucking stupid? Or maybe everyone who speaks anything besides Vulgarian sounds so foreign that she can’t quite place the accent?
Anyway, I was glad I spoke my piece. I got it off my chest without making a big deal about it (my kids didn’t notice the exchange at all), and those assholes needed to know that not everyone thought their fucking shenanigans were cute.
But—and here I expose myself as a hypocrite again since I generally discourage judging the parenting of others—I wasn’t really being honest when I gave the impression that I didn’t care how many fucking f-bombs she dropped in front of her kids. I feel bad for those kids. When they are in kindergarten (probably at the same school as my kids), yelling about how fucking much they love going on the monkey bars, how much of a disadvantage are they starting out with? What are you going to say, Mama Fuckface, when the teacher calls to tell you that Junior’s show-and-tell presentation was titled “My Fucking Pet Turtle Is the Shit!”? Are you going to tell the teacher to blow it out her fucking ass? Or are you going to say, “Oh, heavens! I don’t know where he’s hearing that language! It must be from his classmates!” Will you then start to do remedial work to get him to unlearn the words that stuck-up people like me have decided must not be used in polite company? Or will you stick to your guns and let Junior be at the vanguard of a brave new generation that shuns classism and talks how the fuck they want regardless of how they are perceived by their peers, neighbors, teachers, and potential employers? Why not, right? How the fuck could anything go wrong with that plan?
(Please fucking share this, unless you don’t give a shit about kids.)
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Post originally appeared on BetaDadBlog.com
Credit: Photo—~Maja*Majika~/Flickr
Hi Andy, Would it be possible to obtain a portrait of yourself for a textbook being published by W.W. Norton?
It will accompany your article, “I’m Considering Becoming a sports Fan–How Do I Pick a Team?”
I swear in front of my kids all the time. And they swear too. There are, however rules. 1. No swearing at each other or calling anyone names. 2. These are in-the-house and in-the-car words. 3. If people are uncomfortable with our swearing (in the house or car) we stop. Respect people. 4. I don’t like “bitch” – its a word used to call down women (or compare men unfavourably to women). Please don’t use it. 4. Never, ever swear in front of my mother, please and thank you. I have not yet received a phone call from school (even… Read more »
I think it’s okay to swear in front of your kids but I guess it depends on what you are saying and how you say it. If you are going to swear around them it’s best to let them know that it’s not okay for them to say bad words. When I was a child my dad would swear, drink and smoke… there was no chance in hell if we thought we could swear, drink or smoke and get away with it. It all comes down to the parents and how they raise their children. My ex boyfriend’s mother has… Read more »
I have a horrible cursing habit but I try not to swear in front of my or anyone else’s kids, even at football games. However it does slip out from time to time, and with increasing frequency as the boys grow older. My oldest son is 9 and I’ve just about lifted the self-imposed moratorium on hells and dammits around him. I don’t exactly let them fly but I don’t exactly mutter them under my breath anymore either (ESPECIALLY at football games). My other 2 boys, however (6 and 4) I tend to keep the cursing to an absolute minimum.… Read more »
Sounds like you might have encountered people of lower socio-economic status. The long-term answer is probably to work towards better educational standards and greater equality in society. The short-term answer is to eat at a better restaurant.
Andy that is a plague that is growing. When out with my kids I do not draw attention to it to my kids. Like your daughters, let it wash over. A question to consider is knowing when to be passive and when to be assertive with said people. Being aggressive against the perpetrators would be a foolish option. The need to be assertive is when it directly impacts you and your kids/family. This was less exposure and more emersion. I likely would have said something sooner. If they continued, I would have asked to be reseated elsewhere or asked the… Read more »
Had a few obvious observations: the place was public. Simple common sense and courteous behavior are lost on many these days and thanks for speaking up to the pitiful group. Speaking of pitiful, too bad some cannot comprehend the humor and irony in your use of profanity in your piece. You can only make a point, not force folks understand it! Perhaps a day will come when we are not judged by our vocabularies, but that is not now and helping our kids with a leg up in the language department is a gimme in today’s tough world of parenting.
I swear in front of kids. Especially my kid. I try getting her to say swear words. She won’t! She giggles and gets nervous and says it seems weird. Her mother sees things differently than I do. There is no such thing as a bad word; only bad intentions. Language is all about context. And if you automatically label some words as “bad” then you are deliberately removing them from the context in which they are spoken, ignoring the purpose of language and impeding communication. I teach my kid this. She knows she might have other adults get upset with… Read more »
I try not to swear in front of my kids. But I do it. My son has known from the age of K that we don’t swear at each other, we don’t swear at school & we don’t swear in public.
I think the point of the discussion, a point which I wholeheartedly agree with, gets lost in translation. I did note the point about being a hypocrite but it still doesn’t go over well. Hard to believe you don’t curse in front of your children. Other than the descriptions of the other patrons, this article couldn’t be written without cursing? :rhetorical: As a father of two, I know their ears & brains are sponges. I am far from perfect but I set an example especially with speaking. You will succeed at nothing when your children realize you are one of… Read more »
Agree with JW. This article has an important message, but I couldn’t stop focusing on your own overuse of cursing and reminding everyone you are a hypocrite. It loses it’s credibility. It makes wonder well if he is such a hypocrite that he has to restate it, then where exactly do you get off writing this, probably should have just kept quiet if you are such a hypocrite. (my question mark key doesn’t work.) I would have believed you the first time you said it, I don’t need a constant reminder. And the overuse of cursing and reminding everyone that… Read more »
My mother tried not to swear in front of me, but curses like a sailor and eventually was unable to stem the tide. I curse like a sailor, but only when I know I can get away with it, I believe I will teach my children a similar approach
Loved your article. At times I swear like a sailor but not in front of the kids as well. Good for you that you said your piece. Feel sorry for Mama F-Face’s kids as they are at a total disadvantage in life growing up with her as a parent role model.
There’s some good evidence out there suggesting that the language you use actually shapes the way that you think, instead of the other way around. If someone speaks in monosyllabic words and slang all the time, then that actually limits the sophistication of their thinking. Speak in vulgar, simple terms all day long and it gets in the way of complex thinking. Use a larger vocabulary and you’re actually capable of more complicated thoughts. Speak in the gutter all the time and you won’t be able to leave the gutter. Anyone can resort to or revert to f-bombs. It’s the… Read more »
I’m always nudging my husband and sometimes his friends to ease up on the potty-mouthing in public – but to their credit, as soon as I bring it to their attention, they usually clean right up or at least lower their voices when wearing. I think sometimes the child-free can become oblivious to the presence of children. I think Mama F-Face must have been drunk, may have even been drunk before they got to the pizza place. Even as a non-parent with no little ears to protect, her behavior as you described it in this article would have earned her… Read more »
I loved the article, Andy… And my name is Andy as well! (You don’t meet a lot of Andys these days, as most prefer Andrew, or even worse, Drew.) While I agree that your dinner encounter with the Coors Light crew was a terrible event, I do disagree about swearing in front of your kids. Not that i swear a lot, I do like the idea of distinguishing between private and public conversations. And although my daughter is only 1 now, I plan on hopefully helping her understand how to be a positive member of society, not a drag. And… Read more »