Dave Lesser makes the case for why self-loathing parents need to stop judging and give each other a break
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Every other parent is doing it so much better than you are. They’re active, involved, always present, and never lose their temper. Their kids only eat organic food. Television? I’m pretty sure that most parents don’t even own a TV. You mean you let your kids watch that garbage? Don’t you know it rots their brains?! I guess it’ll match their insides, with all that sugar you let them eat. YOU ARE A BAD PARENT!
And so am I. So is my wife. So is just about every parent I know. And we all feel guilty. We look around and see moms and dads who are doing it right. Sure, they’re kind of boring and we don’t like to hang out with them, but they’ve got their shit together. They’re gluten-free, paleo organic, freegan vegan, ultra-marathon runners and their kids wear homemade Halloween costumes and help craft their own toys. Good fucking grief! Sorry to anyone who actually is gluten-free, paleo organic, freegan vegan, ultra-marathon runners. But we get it…you’re awesome! Now, stop. You’re making the rest of us feel like shit. Besides, with all the time you spend growing, scavenging, and preparing those highly specialized and tasteless meals, training for your 100-mile races, and crocheting your kids clothes, who is watching those kids?! Haha… you’re a bad parent, too!
WE ALL SUCK as parents. So relax, it’s not just you! Every parent has doubts about whether they’re raising their kids correctly. But while your struggles are often all-consuming, the struggles of others remain hidden behind smiling faces. People post the pictures on Facebook that they want you to see—look at our family doing something amazing! And you think, “Wow, that family must always do fun stuff like that.” Of course, you posted a similar picture a week ago, but you know that’s not the norm for your family. That’s why you posted it! No one’s status update is, “Finally doing the dishes after three days. I hope my kids zone out in front of the TV long enough for me to finish.” Okay, once I posted something like that. But only because it was funny.
The internet articles that get shared with friends and go viral are generally the ones where advice is given (at least implicitly), not where help is sought and insecurities revealed. So you read blog posts about moms who raise their children in the French method and the whole family eats escargot together while discussing Nietzsche. It’s truly phenomenal and you share it on your page, joking “I can’t even get mine to eat chicken nuggets—LOL.” And then, for two dinners in a row, you insist that your kids eat everything on their plate. They scream the whole time and barely eat anything. On day three, someone shares a Huffington Post Parents article about how forcing your picky eater to clean her plate will give your child low self-esteem and long-lasting issues with food, while preventing her from ever finding true love and happiness. So, you curse like a drunken sailor and toast up some Ellio’s pizza, as you think, “I am a terrible parent.”
There is a laundry list of shit you are doing wrong. It started when you didn’t breastfeed or didn’t breastfeed long enough (or, if you’re a dude, told your wife formula was just as good). You bought baby food, instead of mashing it up yourself. You spend time with your kids, but you wonder if it’s “quality” time. You let them watch too much TV. And you steer them to the shows you like instead of the ones that are “educational.” Sometimes, you lose your temper with your kids. You give in on that sugary cereal, because their grocery store-whining is embarrassing you. Once or twice, you even let them have soda! Though you love them with all your heart, a lot of the time (especially in the car) you just want them to shut the fuck up. And, when they start getting on your nerves, you are occasionally a little too sarcastic. It’s just mean! Plus, you’re a friggin’ hypocrite. You tell them to clean up their toys, but the house is a mess! You have time to go the gym, but not enough time to make your bed? And I know you actually do have the AA batteries for that really annoying toy your daughter loves. You’ve been lying to her for months, saying you forgot to buy the batteries again. You work too much. You blog too much. You drink too much. You swear too much. You’re on your god-damned iPhone too much! Enough.
Some of these things are true about all of us. I asked my Facebook followers where they felt like they were “failing” as parents. Their answers were remarkably similar to my own. More of the previously-mentioned shortcomings are about me than I would care to admit. But… fuck that. I am a good parent. And so are you. This isn’t about making you feel bad about yourself. It’s a reminder. Don’t judge yourself too harshly against the idealized versions of family that people put forth on traditional and social media. And don’t judge other parents too harshly when the choices they make for their children aren’t ones you would make for your own. You don’t know what their situation is. Same goes for when you see a parent lose their cool. You don’t know what shit they’ve been putting up with all day. Let’s give each other and ourselves a break.
Maybe if we admit that we all kind of suck, we can all stop feeling so damn guilty about not living up to some fictionalized ideal and realize that most of us are parenting the shit out of our kids!
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Original version of this article originally appeared on Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad; Credit: Photo—Chris Selvig/Flickr
Thank you, this is exactly how I feel! Not to mention I was also a crappy husband, lol!