Nick Pavlidis reflects on his marriage and calls out three crucial truths about being married that any newlywed should realize sooner than later.
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I don’t do a lot of “what if” thinking.
Most of the time it’s not productive.
But “what if” blogging can help people who happen to stumble on this article while planning their wedding or preparing to propose. And maybe one of these 3 things I wish I knew before I got married will help you no matter where you are in your relationship.
1. Your marriage will only be as good as you make it.
How many articles do you read a week about your favorite sports team? How many sit-coms did you watch this week? Medical dramas? House Hunters?
How much time have you spent at mlbtraderumors.com this week?
Now tell me how many words you’ve read about having a healthy marriage this week. (“week” was word 126 of this post if that helps…).
What does it tell you if you spend more time comparing the per-square cost of toilet paper at Costco than you do learning about how to be a good husband?
The more you read, the more people you talk with about marriage, the more healthy marriage podcasts or shows you listen to or watch, the better a husband you’re going to be. You will learn great lessons. They will be repeated. Reinforced. And eventually applied.
The less you do the worse it will be.
Do yourself a favor and carve out at least an hour per week of alone time to learn about how you can be a better spouse.
2. It doesn’t matter who emptied the dishwasher last.
I spent the first 5 years of marriage counting pretty much everything each of us did.
I’m pretty sure it’s because I worked so much that I felt the need to justify my existence at home considering how little I was there…
And, when I emptied the dishwasher, the whole world knew about it.
But it didn’t make anything easier. If anything it caused more frustration, arguing, and resentment around the house.
If you empty the dishwasher, that’s great. But it’s nothing to celebrate.
It’s just something you did. You contributed to the household. Congratulations!
3. Her family is your family.
I’m blessed that I come from a great family. My wife’s family is large, about twice as big as mine. At least in the U.S.—don’t get me started counting the Pavlidi (is that the plural of Pavlidis?) in Greece… And they’re great, too.
For the first several years we were together, we argued about “family time.”
On Christmas, spending 1/2 the time with my family and the other 1/2 with hers didn’t work out because her parents had divorced and remarried when she was young.
So we had three full houses to visit.
It frustrated me because I thought it was “fair” to divide the time up in half—1/2 between my wife and me.
She thought it wasn’t fair because then her parents would each only get 1/4.
She thought it was “fair” to divide the time 1/3, 1/3, 1/3.
I didn’t think it was fair because then we’d be spending 2/3 of the time with her family.
Yes, we argued about stupid things like that.
At one point I even “offered” 40%, 30%, 30%.
I thought that made me the righteous one…
It didn’t sound as stupid back then… at least to me it didn’t…
After a few years of arguing about this (seriously…), THREE things about this caused me to think and act differently.
First, it doesn’t really matter how much time you spend with a particular person on one particular day. Even holidays.
What matters most is how you treat them every day. So who really cares if we spend 2/3 of the time with “her family” and only 1/3 with mine, or whatever?
Second, they’re not going anywhere.
They are her mom, dad, sister, brother, cousins, whatever. It just so happens that they’re all really nice. But, even if they were jerks, they’re probably not going anywhere. She’s going to want to spend time with them. And I happen to enjoy spending time with them, too. In our case, not only are they not going anywhere, but I’m actually happy about that.
Third, her family blessed our marriage. They welcomed me to the family. They love me. They support me. They support us.
Sounds like family to me.
And, while I’ve always loved spending time with her side of the family, it was “her family” for a while and I felt the need to “defend” time with “my family.”
Once I accepted those two things, it didn’t matter what percent of time we spent with whom. We see everyone. They know we love them. They’re all family.
I was pretty much arguing for the sake of arguing after a while. To win, so to speak.
Man, how many stupid fights I could have avoided if I had just realized that six years ago…
So there you go. Three things I wish I could have told Young Nick as he got down on one knee to propose that brisk April evening in New York City.
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What do you wish you knew before you got married?
Is there anything you argue about that’s probably just an exercise in winning an argument at this point? Maybe it’s time to let it go.
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Congratulations, you’ve now read 888 words about improving your marriage today!
How are you going to apply those words to improving your relationship?
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This post originally appeared at Confessions of a Terrible Husband: Lessons Learned from a Lumpy Couch. Credit: Image—JD Hancock/Flickr
If i judged american men by the articles written by them, i’d think most of them are immature, emotionally stunted, stuck in childhood, morons.
God help us all. No wonder divorce rates are so high, and continue to rise.
Before we got married, we were told that a 50/50 relationship doesn’t cut it. Each person has to give 100% all the time. That means I need to be willing to do more than what I might consider my “fair share.” I need to adopt a posture of selflessness. The miracle happens when both spouses do this … suddenly, you’re with someone who always has your back and is willing to do anything for you. And you them. Beautiful.
Such a great point, Laura! And one that I often forget. Powerful! Thanks for adding such value to this topic!
A similar concept was explained to me as a game of tug o’ war… “us” vs the challenges of life (I know, cheesy.) Both people have the same goal – to stay standing, and to stay together. It’s inevitable that at one point, one person won’t be able to pull 50% of the weight… maybe they’re exhausted, distracted, or get stung by a bee (whatever.) The reality is, one person may have to pull a little more than their “fair share” every once in a while, and that’s okay as long it isn’t a constant, one-sided issue. S*** happens, and… Read more »
Such a great point, Lauren! Thank you for continuing the conversation here by sharing such great wisdom!
What I wish I knew is that there is no such thing as “Marriage with a capital M,” meaning that there is no rule or definition about marriage that applies to all relationships, at least not one that’s very useful in working out issues in your relationship. You can’t just follow a blueprint someone gave you and just assume that works. You can get a lot of wisdom from hearing other people’s advice and the advice of experts. But, at the end of the day, no matter what you read or what any third person tells you, your marriage is… Read more »
Such a great point, wellokaythen. You point out the challenge and beauty of all of the effort of reading, working, listening, etc., to marriage content, and provide a great way to do so. The challenge is to apply it to your unique situation. A great way to do so is to talk it over with yoru spouse! And the beauty of it is that if you read or listen to high quality stuff, there’s almost always something adaptable enough to connect to most relationships if both people do what you suggest and talk about how it relates to them. Thanks… Read more »
This is so true. The first year was pretty interesting. My military upbringing with no roots and family disconnection. Her living in the same town her whole life, monthly family birthdays (WHOLE family), works with her mom and sister, annual family vacation, Sunday dinner at the in-laws……. I had some serious adjusting to do. We seem to have figured how to work together and balance it all out for the most part. The thing that helped me grow was reading about marriage and leadership, like Nick said. We’re not perfect but I love my wife and I love our marriage.… Read more »
David! Thanks so much for checking in. It sounds like you and your wife have a great connection with each other and your extended families! What a blessing!
#4; Date your mate does not mean take her to dinner every Friday. It means getting your pursuit game on even though you have already got her. Hit sites like DoubleYourDatibg.com and learn what makes her tick and what turns her off. You will discover that she has no idea what she wants but knows what she doesnt want when she sees it. She wants to be off balance even though she’s expecting to depend on you. to be her stability. She wants to be told no once in a while. She wants a good guy but loves the bad… Read more »
I love it honordads! Thanks so much for continuing this important discussion over here. It is so important to keep the passion going!
great article, I agree that it is very important to place effort in our marriage. Our wife is the most important person in our live. We should treat them that way.
Thanks Jeffery! Sometimes a little pause and intentionality makes the difference between a day and a great day! String enough great days together and you got something magical!
Your kid(s) should be the most important person/people in your life. Wives come and go. The heterosexual divorce rate is at 50% with about 70% of divorces filed by women. Rethink your statement.
I understand what you’re trying to say about “they’re not going anywhere” in the sense that she’s not going to be ditching them any time soon, since they are her family. But they ARE going somewhere, just like we all are. There will come a day when her parents get sick and die, same with all of her family. So the point isn’t so much that the time with them should be metered out in fair percentages so much as it should just be metered out: make time for your family AND her family, and don’t haggle the details so… Read more »
Thanks, GirlfriendMD for such great points, thoughts and story! I do think it’s important to be open and share time among family. We split time up but stopped keeping track of percentages and it’s been great! We do make 2 or 3 stops most holidays and have established some pretty awesome traditions by splitting up things like Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning, and Christmas Evening.