Welcome to Portraits of Fatherhood: We’re telling the story of today’s dads.
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There is no better place to witness the changing roles of men and women in the larger culture than through the lens of parenthood. But rather than speculate on what and how contemporary fathers do what they do, we’d like to bring you portraits of the dads themselves. In their own words. Would you like to be interviewed for this feature? See the end of the post for details.
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NAME Vishu Singh
AGE 37
HOMETOWN / WHERE DO YOU LIVE NOW? Born in Wolverhampton, in the West Midlands, England, UK, living now in Walsall, West Midlands UK
@TWITTER @daddydazeuk
ON THE WEB www.daddydaze.co.uk
NUMBER OF CHILDREN 1 son aged 17 months
WORK Full time project manager for a healthcare company, and fulltime husband and dad
RELATIONSHIP STATUS Married
HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY? How have you, or you and your partner (if you’re partnered), arranged your life/schedule to provide the daily care for your kid(s)
My wife and I were married for 7 years before we decided to do the deed and begin a family. The thought had crossed our minds a year earlier but sadly we miscarried at 3 months, so when we found out we were pregnant again, we were over the moon. Our circumstances had changed –we had a new house, a bigger mortgage, higher bills to manage, but only a moderate increase in income. Managing all of this with a child was taken lightly until Sid arrived in June 2014, and its been a rollercoaster since. My wife is a full time Notary Public, which is different in the UK compared to the US where you have to study for 2 years before getting certified to practice. She runs her own office, and I work for a healthcare company – both of us with demanding jobs, and erratic schedule. I can be home all week some weeks and then away for days, multiple times a week, and then have to stay away with projects. My wife has diary appointments that are often ad hoc and urgent that need to be managed.
How have we managed to make it work? I’d say with immense compromise. Sid was a handful from the day he was born, and we are lucky that his grandparents both paternal and maternal have helped out heaps with the childcare when there have been times that both my wife and I have had to deal with work. Somehow the random schedule works for us (at least it has done so far) and now Sid is nursery 2 days a week, it helps to balance our days out. The biggest part we struggle with, like most couples, is finding time to be a couple.. small things like just watching TV together, are a dream, and often looked forward to. All parents say that “its worth it” and for the first few months I thought “on what planet is this worth it?” but when Sid began to respond and react, and engage, the penny dropped and all of the delirium from the first few months began to drift away.
WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?
My worst parenting moment.. let me think… feeling like I didn’t have a connection with my son at 4 months was the rock bottom parenting moment. As dads, we don’t get the opportunity to connect with the baby until its born, so I took the opportunity to talk to the bump every day when I would massage cream onto my wife’s bump,that was about as much bonding as I could get. As women, you have the opportunity to talk to the baby, bond with the foetus for 9 months – a considerable head start compared to men.
At 4 months old, Sid was beginning to be really uncooperative, he wouldn’t sleep, he wouldn’t respond to me, wouldn’t acknowledge my voice – nothing. And as a calm rational person as I am, at that point, I lost it. I went through days of feeling like this kid wasn’t my own, he had no link to me, and he was becoming a stranger. Its an odd feeling, and difficult one to describe, but it was the worst emotion I can remember.
WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?
So at 3 months old, after giving Sid his bath, he was being exceptionally cute. He wasn’t crying, he was smiling, and reaching out for our faces, nose, cheeks etc.. As I kept him in his towel, I handed him to his mum, and pulled out my phone to video this cuteness, not knowing what I would capture and how it would bring me to tears for the first time since Sid was born.
I began to video him being entertaining, and thought I’d begin to teach him to say “hello”, even that I knew there was no way he would mimic or say it back to me, I tried anyway – all the unsolicited parenting advice was guiding me to talk to my son at every opportunity in “normal” English as opposed to baby babble. And I proceeded to ask “Sid, Say Hello, Hello fattie..” and as I videoed the moment, he looked at me and said in a gorgeous husky little voice “Heeoo”… and our jaws dropped… I asked him to say it again, just in case he was doing something else like breaking wind, and lo and behold, he said it again… that was the best moment I’ve had, imparting learning to my child… yep… perfect… now for the phrase book of baby swear words….
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We’re looking for a few good dads.
IF you’d like to be interviewed for this feature, please write to Lisa Duggan at: [email protected]
Please write “Portraits of Fatherhood” in the subject line.