Rebecca Wissink shares the difficulties one Dad faced being the stay at home parent while his wife returned to work.
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It is relatively easy to access parental care in Canada which allows a father to stay home with his baby, but does that translate to easy time once said father is home alone with his infant? For James and Kelly, ages 41 and 39 respectively when the long awaited and fought for first pregnancy occurred, it was a bit of a foregone conclusion that James would take the bulk of the available leave to care for their daughter when she arrived.
As more and more fathers, hopefully, continue to take on a more significant role in child-rearing in our society, we collectively need to respond with support and stop isolating them at the playground.
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Kelly, a business owner, would have had to pay into the government’s employment insurance program for 12 months beforehand in order to collect leave benefits, never mind the business risk she would endure during a prolonged absence from her practice. James, on the other hand, had the equality portion of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms in his back pocket, along with a few other employer specific benefits.
In Canada, an employer cannot deny a man the opportunity to take parental leave; parental leave is a legal right, not a privilege. Additionally, the job the parent is leaving must be held for their return to work. Parental leave is becoming easier for either parent to access without horrific financial repercussions. And this is a good thing for both parents and children alike, especially our men-folk. Parental leave was a gift for James as it provided him a long-term paid leave from a high-stress occupation, and the leave allowed the couple to avoid the stress of finding the elusive part-time daycare spot for an infant.
This information begs the question: Why aren’t more Canadians Fathers staying home to raise baby?
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Even the evolution of the language used around such leave indicates that Canadians are moving away from differentiating between the traditional idea of who ought to be the primary caregiver of an infant. In our conversation, I was using the language “maternity and paternity leave” and was corrected by James; it is now referred to unilaterally as “parental leave,” available to either the mother or father. This is amazing progress in the workplace considering that only 12-14 years ago the term “paternity leave” for fathers was the new and exciting change in employee rights.
In Canada, either parent can take up to nine months of unpaid leave; however, for 37 weeks that leave will likely be compensated at 55% of the parents salary via Canada’s Employment Insurance Program. Parents can also split this 37 weeks anyway they see fit, which provides the option that both parents can stay home simultaneously for a significant amount of time bonding with the little one.
This information begs the question: Why aren’t more Canadians Fathers staying home to raise baby?
James does acknowledge that he and his wife had some blessings others might not be privy too, such as him holding the position of Manager rather than being an employee who might be on shift work, the lack of financial hardship because his salary was “topped up” to 93% of his normal salary due to his collective agreement, his employers adoption of the “duty to accommodate,” and his wife’s flexibility with her own job that comes from being self-employed.
It was an easy and logical decision for Kelly and James to make to have James take parental leave. Kelly would take four months of unpaid leave, and James would take the full nine months he was eligible for at almost full pay. This played out with James taking annual leave for a month after the birth to be home with wife and child, then Kelly stayed home for three months alone with their daughter while James returned to work, and then James became the stay-home parent when baby C was four months old and Kelly returned to work part-time at her practice.
The reality was that for three days of the week James was fully in charge despite his inability to breast-feed, and the couple got their wish to raise their baby without outside child-care the first year.
A few of James’ female coworkers said they wished their own husbands would have taken parental leave.
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While it might have been an easy decision to make for James to stay home, when his wife went out of province for two nights when the baby was only a few months old, it was not an easy time initially for James. He refers to the first few hours as crazy and scary, but in his heart, James knew that the only way to build his self-confidence as a father was to take on the care-giving by himself. Thanks to technical evolutions, a nursing mother can provide the father the opportunity for skin-on-skin midnight feedings, and that intimate bonding time with his daughter in the middle of the dark still night became a favourite moment and memory for James.
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When I asked James how the decision to stay home with his daughter and exercise his right to parental leave was received by friends, family, and his employer, the response was overwhelmingly positive. Anyone in the couples inner circle knew how much James wanted children, and how long this pregnancy had been waited for. After an initial eye-roll from his Manager, which James attributes more to a longing for having had such an opportunity for himself, all his coworkers and his supervisors were eventually supportive, although a few thought it was weird at first. Oddly enough, it was the female corkers who expressed some discomfort; the male coworkers were supportive, understanding, and less judgemental. In fact, one friend and male peer who had stayed home with his daughter previously was super excited for James and provided a mentoring role for the process. A few of James’ female coworkers said they wished their own husbands would have taken parental leave. Family and friends didn’t bat an eye. James comes across as both a capable “manly man” and a natural father.
Kelly’s experience when she told family, friends and coworkers that she would be returning to work and daddy would be staying home was that people were impressed. Clearly we still have work to do before we reach the day when we accept that fathers are perfectly capable of caring for their young, and it becomes the societal norm for fathers to take any opportunity they can access to stay home with their babies, rather than viewing it as an impressive or heroic act. James views these generational changes as positive, although he did experience challenges with “male versus female parenting resources”.
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More enlightened community spaces and retail environments have family bathrooms, which are gender-neutral cavernous spaces you can safely herd a family of seven into.
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One such issue was the public bathroom. Men’s bathrooms never had a changing table, and James found it awkward and uncomfortable using a urinal with his baby strapped to his chest. Instead, at times, James was forced to use the handicap bathroom to access a changing table for his daughter when he was out running chores without his wife. More enlightened community spaces and retail environments have family bathrooms, which are gender-neutral cavernous spaces you can safely herd a family of seven into.
From an outside perspective the couple seems popular, socially active, with supportive and loving families. So I assumed they had significant support in the early months after the baby was born, and I wondered it the support either dwindled or increased when Kelly returned to work and James became the primary at-home parent. The couple said they didn’t notice a change in support, but they were quite independent and self-reliant from the start, so because no one was dropping off pre-cooked meals in the early weeks, there was no external reaction to mom’s unavailability to notice.
The playground with the Starbucks drinking, LuluLemon clad mommies was where James felt most awkward.
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When talking to the couple about their experience, each acknowledges how the other side had a learning curve. It was tricky for them to establish a routine, or maintain it, when sometimes James was home alone with his daughter, and sometimes both parents were home. I think any parent who has a spouse on shift work, or in the military, male or female, can attest to the challenge routine and differing parenting styles presents.
Perhaps the greatest gift to their marriage came from this experience and the intimate understanding and appreciation of what the other was going through when it was their turn to stay home alone. Neither judged the other when they came home, promptly stepped on or tripped over toys, saw that a bomb had gone off in the kitchen, and found both parent and child still in their pyjamas from last night. In fact, Kelly thinks every dad should have to stay home at some point and experience solo parenting. Is that the key to harmonious marriages during those stressful parenting years of early childhood?
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All wasn’t sunshine and rainbows for James in his foray into being the stay-at-home parent. On one occasion, when James parked in the “expectant parent” parking stall close to the entrance of a store, an older man walking by stage-whispered “loser” to him. In play groups and swim classes he took his daughter too, James was frequently the only male in attendance. Sometimes there were other dads at swimming lessons with their daughters, but oftentimes, those men were accompanied by the child’s mother as well.
The playground with the Starbucks-drinking, LuluLemon-clad mommies was where James felt most awkward. Our society does not take kindly to lone males hanging out at playgrounds, even when they have a child with them. The upshot of that hostile environment was the insta-bond that was formed if another dad happened to be at the playground that day. Story-time at the local library of our conservatively Christian community was another space where James felt acutely un-welcomed by the congregation of moms.
And then came the tap-out moment. The story James told me was prefaced with “this is off the record,” so I dutifully put my pen down and listened to a story of shame. One night, as soon as his wife got home from work, James grabbed the dogs and drove 30 minutes away to sit in his truck and look out over the darkness into the forest. He sat there for some time just trying to breathe normally before he was able to get out the vehicle and take the dogs for a walk. What I heard from James was that it was one of those days where you never get a second to decompress, and the demands being put on you keep building and building until you feel like you can’t cope anymore. I commented that he was likely having some sort of an anxiety attack. His wife hadn’t even heard this story. James kept that moment of feeling the urge to escape to himself for many months. Not because of anything his wife had done, but because of his own perceptions of what a father should be.
I let the issue sit for a few weeks and then asked James to reconsider letting me include his story. I assured him that every parent has felt helpless and stretched beyond their means at some time or another, and men carry an additional burden of having to be strong in our society, which I think can be both damaging and isolating. I told him that I thought the illustration that there are limits to our capabilities humanized his story and would offer some depth to his parenting experiences, as well as extend compassion to other men who stay home with their infants and have felt overwhelmed. Obviously James relented his hold on his privacy about that difficult moment.
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“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” ~ Brene Brown
When someone has the courage to speak their truth and tell us that they are hitting the wall and struggling with the demands the blessed baby presents, they do not want to be shamed for their efforts at reaching out. Which is exactly what Kristin Cavallari did to her husband when she Instagrammed his texts to her stating “all hell has broken loose” and he was “about to leave”. Humiliating your husband during his time of need is not funny. A psychological experiment from the University of Amsterdam suggests that the brain is more intensely activated by humiliation than by either the emotions of anger or joy.
As more and more fathers, hopefully, continue to take on a more significant role in child-rearing in our society, we collectively need to respond with support and stop isolating them at the playground. We need to recognize the humanity they bring to parenting, and allow them to feel heard on those inevitably rough days.
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James found his greatest challenge was gaining enough confidence in his abilities as a solo parent to just relax, and enjoy his time with his daughter and have fun. His wife’s perspective on his comment was that it was amazing to watch James’ confidence as a father go through the roof. How telling is that statement? Confidence can only be built through action. You mommies out there chose these men to pro-create with; you need to trust in their abilities and let them parent without interfering. Fathers in our communities will have an easier time stepping-up to the parenting plate when they have the support and encouragement of their female counter-parts.
As for his greatest joy during the experience? Being able to meet every day’s challenge, day in and day out, and have a happy daughter.
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Being a stay-at-home dad was “way harder” than James thought it was going to be, especially grocery shopping, and James found being isolated from his peers and his occupation for nine months too much. James acknowledges some of this isolation was self-imposed. James won’t be taking the full nine months when baby number two arrives this May.
As for his greatest joy during the experience? Being able to meet every day’s challenge, day in and day out, and have a happy daughter. And I can attest to the fact she is a happy little girl. James said the experience was also “way better” than he had hoped or imagined. James believes his time home alone with his daughter has impacted his empathy for others in the same boat, and he is now a different manager to his subordinates.
What advice would James give other fathers considering parental leave, other than take the opportunity if you can? To set a social schedule, including time alone for yourself, and not feel guilty for needing this time. Everyone, moms and dads, need a break from parenting once in a while. James’ advice for other couples looking to navigate a non-traditional primary care-giver role in their home is to:
1) Figure out what “fair” is for you as a couple
2) Try not to out-martyr each other
3) Communicate with your spouse about everything
4) Share all responsibilities.
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What is a 21st century hero? Being an engaged and present dad. And we love to show how great dads are. Want more like this? Sign up for our daily or weekly newsletter here.
Photo:Flickr/Colin Bowern