When it comes to parenting, Al Watts is sick of being seen as the second string.
This was previously published on Role/Reboot.
The other day our 4th grader was home sick from school. She was just getting over her fever and had to stay home one more day, because you need to be fever-free for 24 hours before you can go back to school. (I think that kids wanting to play more games on their ipods must have made up this rule).
As usual, I sent her teacher an email to let her know our daughter was still home sick. She evidently did not get that message to the school office, because at about 10 a.m., the phone rang.
Our daughter answered the phone. The secretary from the school, who has known me for five years and knows well that I am an at-home dad, said, “Hi, Anna, is your mom there?”
In today’s society, it is still more common for mom to be the at-home parent or the parent who takes off of work to be home with a sick child. However, this is not exclusively the case anymore. As I mentioned in my piece in December, the census recently reported that 32% of married fathers are the primary caregivers of their children. Which means that asking to talk to mom about a sick child during the day would be wrong about one-third of the time.
What was even more interesting about this situation was that this secretary knew me well. She knew that I am an at-home dad and has seen me at school with our kids hundreds of times. I think she may have met my wife once in the five years our children have attended the school, and I’m sure she would not recognize her if they ran into each other at the grocery store. (She would, however, recognize me.)
And yet, when she called to inquire about our sick daughter, the school’s secretary asked to talk to my wife. “No, my mom’s not here,” our daughter replied, “Do you want to talk to my dad?” I got on the phone and explained that, yes, our daughter was home sick again that day but should be in school tomorrow.
When I hung up, I shook my head in disbelief.
Despite the strides dads have been making over the last 10 or 20 years in taking on more childcare responsibilities, we are still invisible parents. People continue to assume that mom is the primary parent—even when they know dad is at home every day with the kids.
Moms are obviously extremely important parents, and perhaps, overall, more nurturing than dads. I’ll even concede that moms will probably continue to be the primary caregivers in the majority of households.
However, it is clear from recent research and from my own personal experience that dads are equally important and, increasingly, willing to take on a larger role with daily childcare duties.
And this is a wonderful thing for our society.
First of all, research by Dr. Kyle Pruett, a child psychiatrist at Yale University, has found that the presence of actively involved fathers can reduce teen pregnancy and drug and alcohol abuse. Second, fathers who expand into taking on more childcare responsibilities provide moms with more opportunities to advance their careers. In our household, for example, if I didn’t stay home, it would have been nearly impossible for my wife to take promotions requiring extensive travel, which has allowed her to climb the corporate ladder much faster than most of her colleagues.
It is time for all of us to get past this notion that parenting is primarily a woman’s role. Parenting can be done as effectively by men as by women. Parenting is, and can be, gender neutral.
Assuming that mom is the primary caregiving parent is not only inaccurate much of the time, but it also keeps men from feeling comfortable asserting themselves in a more active parenting role. Many fathers today want to be more involved with their children, but are made to feel that this is wrong when others are frequently looking to their wives for information about their children. These men feel like they are supposed to be the “back-up parent,” as George Clooney describes his character in the Golden-Globe-winning film The Descendants.
Dads aren’t—and shouldn’t be made to feel like—“back-up parents.” They are equal partners to moms in parenting. I want to live in a world in which dads can be comfortable in the benefits and sacrifices of raising children because parenting truly is, in our rapidly evolving society, gender neutral.
Al Watts is a nine-year veteran at-home dad to four children ages 9, 7, 4, and 3 in Omaha, Nebraska. He is the President of Daddyshome, Inc – The National At-Home Dad Network, writes a weekly blog on a popular mom’s website, Momaha.com, and monthly at Role/Reboot.
—Photo mollypop/Flickr
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John D, what I see is this:
1) A young couple has a baby and both get involved in the care, but mom more because she stays at home while dad pursues career. Everybody happy. But as the family grows, instead of increasing his share of the work with additional children, dad does less child-raising and fewer traditional male jobs. Not only does he not make dinner or clean up, he misses dinner, homework, games, bath time and story time. Mom mows lawn and works on house on weekend, dad watches TV or goes golfing or has an affair. Mom does everything, often including part-time or full time job. Dad rarely there but mom maintains his food and laundry, etc.
After 10 years, she wants divorce. All of a sudden the dad who never cooked, shopped, did homework or laundry, helped with household chores or brought kids to activities or doctor’s or birthday parties for 10 years says he wants to be involved dad, wants joint custody and not pay full child support. Gets apartment and he takes apart the structure in the kids lives piece by piece and the kids fall apart after a couple years or sooner. I say, if he hasn’t been taking care of kids consistently, no joint custody. Kids aren’t property.
Moms aren’t saying “I’m divorcing my husband because he stays up at night mopping and fixing things and reads to the kids too much.” To me, the question is why aren’t dads staying involved in their kids lives after infancy. One answer may be that kids tend to say “no” a lot and some men can’t handle that. Another answer may be that deep inside men feel childcare and housework is degrading. Another answer may be that male media consumption is way, way up for TV and gaming. I really don’t know why so many men bail out their families while they’re still living in the home.
Katie:
Your example is VERY stereotypical and not based on the reality of what is occuring in U.S. households at all.
According to the Dept of Labors time use survey when all work in & out of the home and commuting are tallied men work a statistically meaningless 1/2 hour less per week than women.
Also, from the studies I have seen women have affairs just as often as men.
Secondly, I don’t know why you bring cheating into it because all of the studies I have seen show women cheat just as much as men. According to the national assn of blood banks, 25% of men who have been labeled the father before genetic tests are ruled out as the biological dad.
Thirdly, women initiate 70% of divorces. However, according to this 46,000 divorce 4state study women initiating divorce in the survey state the husband did not do any of the dealbreaker actions, but that she is simply bored and knows she will get the kids.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/146100-why-do-women-initiate-divorce/
If you think men should have to maintain a parenting time status quo then how about we add the following to divorce laws too?
The status quo of earnings also must be maintained too with no forcible cash disbursements to trade hands?
Then when millions of women were left destitute, we could replay your catechism to women that “they should have had the foresight to take on more of the paid work workload.”
Are you beginning to see what the system you are supporting does to men? Just as the system protects women from her choice to surrender her option to paid work (and ladder climbing and seniority etc..) by enforcing payments from the husband so too should we protect the husband’s parental rights.
In a *JUST* society his parental rights are his to surrender or abdicate, but they should not belong to anybody to steal.
Also, your analysis is clearly flawed. If children have evolved to respond POSITIVELY to father influence, then obviously fathers can have a positive affect with only 10% or 15% of daily parental interaction with kids. (the very concept that children have evolved to respond positively to fathers style of parenting throws mud in the eye that feminists claim men for THOUSANDS OF YEARS have dumped the childcare duties upon women).
However, the presumptive rulings of family courts that fathers parental rights are only administered at the whims of mothers takes even this away. 1/3rd of children of divorce lose permanent contact with their fathers within 5 years–the overwhelming majority of it due to visitation interference.
Again your views seem to be based on biased bigoted stereotypes. You seem to have an INVESTED interest in seeing fathers in the most negative terms possible.
Why do you have such heavy biases against fathers that you need to believe that fathers don’t deserve to parent their kids?
I don’t think you understood my comment. What I see in suburban towns is fathers stopping interacting with their children after toddlerhood and exhausted moms doing too much work with no R&R while dad watches tv or goes out for drinks after work instead of having dinner with the family and putting kids to bed and helping with chores. Overwhelming, this is why mothers say they’re getting divorced. These are the same “we’re pregnant!” parents of 10 years before.
In a case like this, do you think the father, who is not involved with his children’s life, should get joint custody?
Wrong. Ridiculous man-blaming stereotype. And illogical because single parenting isore difficult still. Divorce is never 100% one person’s fault and not always the man’s fault. But it IS that mentality that leads to divorce.
Fixing iPhone autocorrect typo.
“And illogical because single parenting is more difficult still.”
Eric, this isn’t stereotyping or “studies.” These are friends I know well, neighbors, acquaintances from kids’ activities over the years, colleagues, good people, nice homes. I know both parties. Dads themselves say, “My wife does it all” and they’re okay with that. Mom is not okay with that, jumps through hoops trying to get dad involved and finally gives up.
The dads I know who do participate in household chores and child care (which involves a lot of cleaning up, getting ready, shopping, organizing and driving around – not fun stuff) seem to stay married.
Single parenting is hard, but if you’ve been single parenting all along, it’s not harder and now you no longer have to beg and argue with your husband to help with the work that he’s never going to do anyway.
II’ve never heard of anything like that. Is there something in the water? If ALL or the majority of your “friends” are in this situation, I would strongly recommend finding a better circle of friends because that’s not representative of the real world – which is far from perfect but it ain’t that dysfunctional.
That sounds like the “bitter, virtually impossible to love women’s club.” Those men do probably want to spend time with their children but probaly can’t stand being in proximity of such bitter hateful women.
Thankfully, what you describe is foreign in my social circle. Most husbands and wives love each other and their children and find ways to work through their challengestogether, without ending up hating each other and becoming alienated from their children.
Eric, I’m discussing a wide range of people I’ve known in middle/upper middle class communities who are divorced, they’re not a circle of friends and they are not bitter, hateful people – the men or the women. If MRA types constantly pull out this dogma when they circle the little red wagons, they will never have better relations with women, which seem extremely poor.
These women don’t leave their husbands because they don’t love them, they leave because they’re exhausted, because their husbands don’t understand how much work child raising and home keeping is or care that their wives are burdened with an disproportionate, unhealthy amount of work. That is, the quality of life, the discrepancy in labor between a married mother and father living together has grown so vast, that it’s pretty clear that the husbands feel they are entitled to more leisure time, more personal service and more disposable income.
Definitely not all men “embrace” “parenting” like this website claims they do. Some men do, but in suburbia I see men still living their fathers’ lifestyle, where women stayed home and took care of the children, the home and her husband, but now expect the same level of service from their wives although now she also has to earn income.
I personally know, very well, one stay-at-home dad who does a good job, but he has always had those skills and is a bit different from most men, particularly the rude, intolerant, controlling men posting comments on this website. Long before my friend had children, he vacuumed his apartment every day, he was particularly careful about the nutrition of the food (we) cooked and ate, really enjoyed fashion, took meticulous care of himself and was nurturing and gentle. So, it’s natural he would be good and happy in this role.
I don’t possibly see how awful-sounding men posting on this site could be trusted with the care of children. What would they do when a child disagrees, disobeys? By the nature of the men revealed in these comments, they would probably verbally and physically attack the child, just like they do commenters voicing different opinions on this website. Leopards don’t change their spots.
Some people, many people do remain happily married. I have been happily married for 20+ years with two beautiful girls, as have hundreds of my personal and work associates. Perhaps it would be better to not surround yourself with bitter divorced women.
“If MRA types constantly pull out this dogma when they circle the little red wagons, they will never have better relations with women, which seem extremely poor.”
Sorry pal, such misandry doesn’t work on me. I’m not an MRA or associated with the movement in any shape, form, or fashion, but I WILL call out bitter man-hating views, ideologies, and views, which your characterize your he views expressed in your comments.
I know nothing about you personally but the views you’ve expressed are absolutely consistent with those expressed by bitter women whose bitterness and misandry made them impossible to love, drove their husbands away, and repels other men. But, instead of looking inward, they increase their disdain for males blaming males for all of their failures.
Hint: There are plenty of feminist websites that would heartily welcome such misandristic views.
Eric, you carry this “hate and bitterness” and smear it on people you don’t even know. I left my husband, he didn’t leave me, and he repeatedly has tried to re-start the relationship. I’m in a happy relationship with another man, work with many wonderful men and count many men from different walks of life with different political views among my friends. I’ve never been a part of any “feminist” group. Sorry this doesn’t fit into your little red wagon.
Your intolerance, self-righteousness, nasty talk and lack of imagination are exactly why most men don’t make very good primary caretakers of children: “My way or the highway.” Children will test you way beyond this and you have broken very easily. God help them.
” Eric, you carry this “hate and bitterness” and smear it on people you don’t even know.”
As I said, I know nothing about you. My comments were based on the hateful and bitter views expressed.
” I’ve never been a part of any “feminist” group.”
Never said you were, just that anti-male views expressed would fit right in and be welcome.
“Your intolerance, self-righteousness, nasty talk and lack of imagination are exactly why most men don’t make very good primary caretakers of children. . .”
I am not the one who has continued to insult and demean an entire gender with uninformed stereotypes and prejudice. It is not possible to maintain a happy marriage long term where one party has such a dim and dismissive view of the other’s gender.
Agreed Eric.
What is more likely: That everybody in Katie’s neighborhood is such a drastic far flung exception to the national average of families that overwhelmingly have good dad, or that she looks for evidence to bolster her lopsided views of men and fathers and dismisses or doesn’t even see the evidence that denounces her lopsided views of fathers and men.
People who have such dim and dismissive views of the opposite sex most likely won’t have healthy relationships with the opposite sex for long, unless they are able to grow as a person.
Katie writes:
“The dads I know who do participate in household chores and child care (which involves a lot of cleaning up, getting ready, shopping, organizing and driving around – not fun stuff) seem to stay married.”
In other words, regardless of who initiates divorce is always the mans fault. Wow, that’s wow.
Katie: men do not have a monopoly on selfishness or childishness. You never stopped to think that there are immature and selfish women who divorce because she is bored and that the divorce is her fault whatever they say?
I’m sorry. I’m not going to use your few hand-picked examples. I will use the results of the 46 THOUSAND divorce study that shows that a VERY great deal of divorces happen specifically because the mother is bored and SHE KNOWS she will get the kids, thus enjoying an 18 years stipend forcibly extracted from the husband and not have to compromise (or argue) on parenting decisions.
What’s interesting is that the childish or selfish women NEVER enters into your thoughts.
Men are not all devils, and women are not all angels Katie. Many women are just as lazy, selfish, violent, or abusive (more abusive when you look at child abuse) than men.
Surprise! Women are in the fugly muck of humanity right beside men.
Katie writes:
“I don’t think you understood my comment. What I see in suburban towns is fathers stopping interacting with their children after toddlerhood and exhausted moms doing too much work with no R&R while dad watches tv or goes out for drinks after work instead of having dinner with the family and putting kids to bed and helping with chores.”
And you support loving fit dads being denied parental interaction for a handful of personal observations? Believe it or not just as many women can be bad parents as dads. According to the 2006 child maltreatment study mothers commit 70% of all child abuse (even when you include child sexual abuse).
I’m sorry but your personal observations do not count as the kind of justification needed to deny fathers their parental rights. And you state that fathers should be DEFAUTLY denied custody IN THE FACE of your admission that fathers are essential to child development. And you base your assumption (that fathers should be defaulty denied custody) based on the power of a handful of personal observations?
Obviously, you are bringing some very personal issues and biases to the table. I don’t know what your beef is with fathers, but supporting a system which robs millions of children dads (and burdening them with a much greater likelihood of dysfunctionality) is not advocating for fairness, for justice, or what is in the best interest of children which puts you at a complete 180 degree different position than your first comment.
You are actively advocating harm against children based on some personal vendetta.
John D, of course I’m basing my opinions on my personal experiences. If men haven’t been actively involved in raising their children before the divorce, after the divorce is a really bad place to begin. For him, he’s starting at go, but for the children, they’ve already been brought up with certain habits and structure, which makes it easier for them to focus on other childhood challenges like school and friends and hobbies and sports.
If at age 12 the child suddenly has to deal with daddy’s way of loading the dishwasher, daddy’s rules for homework, daddy’s hygene habits, etc. life gets very complicated and rules seem pretty ambiguous and they start to break lots of everybody’s rules and who are you to say no, because you’ve already broken mom’s rules.
Again you try to paint fathers who do more of the paid work and less of the hands-on caring as absentee dads.
Do you really think that the trauma of: “has to deal with daddy’s way of loading the dishwasher, daddy’s rules for homework, daddy’s hygene habits” stacks up in any way to the huge behavioral problems children have when they essentially have a father(or mother when they lose custody do to lack of due process against a rich father) STOLEN in divorce (typically do to vengeful, childish, or selfish mothers)? If you truly believe that your romanticizing mothers role is justification for fathers to be removed from their kids lives (as is currently happening), then you are beyond hope of ever seeing reality of the good of dads–and I pity you.
Newsflash, mothers can and are just as selfish, cruel and bad parents as dad.
Newsflash, dads are REAL AND NECESSARY PARENTS even if they only do 10% of the hands-on care and 100% of the paid work.
Newsflash, for every selfish dad who walks away there is a selfish mother who divorces because she is bored and keeps dad out of the kids lives with court blessing.
Newsflash, the overwhelming majority of dads (95%) are a hugely positive influence in the kids lives.
The evidence shows that the biased stereotypes you cling to are patently false.
Katie says:
“What I see in suburban towns is fathers stopping interacting with their children after toddlerhood and exhausted moms doing too much work with no R&R while dad watches tv or goes out for drinks after work instead of having dinner with the family and putting kids to bed and helping with chores.”
Katie, please look at this study:
ht tp://www.reuters.com/article/2010/08/05/us-work-couples-productivity-idUSTRE6744A620100805
This study blows apart the stereotype that mothers do more work. Your examples of dads shirking their duty may seem common for you, but they are in fact not the reality for most families.
Katie,
What you are doing is taking your examples of a few bad apples and projecting your issues upon all fathers. I find it interesting that somebody who originally acted as if she had science and facts on her side is actually projecting her personal issues or examples and making some very stereotypical jumps to unreal conclusions.
I am sure that there are some bad apple fathers just as there are bad apple mothers (remember 70% of all parental child abuse and parental child murders are done by mothers).
However, what you are doing by talking about direct physical care of the children is trying to equate fathers who do more paid work as ABSENTEE FATHERS and that is not the case.
Not ALL FATHERS who do less than half of the direct physical care of the kids do so BECAUSE they are shirking their duties. In fact I would say that number is less than 10% maybe 5%.
Men are 95% of on-the-job deaths. The proof is in (as per the father studies I mentioned). Being the parent who does 80 or 90 or 100% of the paid work DOES NOT make that parent an absentee parent.
Providing for the material needs of the family IS SACRIFICING not shirking. Strangely when women do the paid work, society seems to understand that it IS sacrifice.
When a mother who’s miner husband was injured or killed in the mines, and she decided to start mining to provide for the family it made the cover of time.
The simple fact, is that you are continuing to argue against father involvement based on some EXTREMELY heavy stereotypes that when fathers do more paid work and less direct physical care of children it is: lazy, neglectful, and abusive of both mother and children.
Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, these men are sacrificing themselves to provide a better future for their families.
The proof is in that these hard-working dads are still JUST AS MUCH parents as the mothers.
AGAIN you jump to the conclusion that “DIFFERENT (FROM MOTHERS) = WORSE”.
You state that dads who do more paid work and less direct interaction are being selfish and and disrupting the kids lives if they fight for and get shared parenting after divorce.
The facts totally dispute what you are saying. Single motherhood is creating generation after generation of kids that have huge emotional problems and are many times more likely to:
have less mature conceptions of sex, be depressed and suicidal, have low educational achievement, be violent, get into trouble with the law, abuse alcohol, pregnant teens, abuse their own children, the list goes on and on.
Your assumptions (in addition to being very biased and stereotypical) are all ***WRONG*** as proven by factual evidence.
Shared parenting is actually the *best* outcome for the vast majority of children. I would think a smart girl like you could figure that out.
John D., if a mother has mostly been raising the children – dealing with school, doctors, extra-curriculars, doctors, friends, etc., it makes sense that she should continue managing that after the divorce. The father will have Wednesday visitations, every-other weekend, nightly phone calls, attend games, activities, performances, consult with doctors and teachers, etc. and can arrange with mom to help out with the driving (this is what mom does most of the time – it’s not quality time.)
Although this might not be the case for everyone, every other entire weekend and Wednesdays was much more time than my husband ever spent with my kids before. Previously, he clocked about three hours with my kids on any given weekend and only ate with us once a week.
Granted, it really, really hurts to wake up and not have your kids in your house. On the other hand, you don’t have to do their laundry, drag them out of bed, get them on the bus, clean their rooms, fix all the broken stuff and buy new stuff and give them time-outs when they fight with each other. But the past can’t be undone and having formerly non-involved fathers (my situation) suddenly meddle with a kid’s schedule, school work, hobbies and habits is not in the child’s best interests.
I agree that shared parenting is best. I did everything I could to get my husband involved, but he wanted no part of the work or responsibility. He said I was awesome at it! I was beyond exhausted and had no adult or leisure time. Something had to give.
Yes, I wish I married a different guy. I know they’re out there, but no one really knows what kind of parent they’ll be until they have a child. I wish this website would stop posting photos of fathers and children holding hands in meadows with sunlight glistening off their hair. Instead, post pictures of grumpy dads in sweatpants picking up legos on a messy living room with a kid sitting on the couch texting. Good dad, real dad.
Katie writes:
“Yes, I wish I married a different guy. I know they’re out there, but no one really knows what kind of parent they’ll be until they have a child.”
And here we come to the crux of the problem. You support loving fit dads being kept away from their kids by vengeful mothers and the biased family court system as payback against men like your husband.
So, it really isn’t about the kids is it Katie? It’s about payback. But, by supporting bigoted biased court systems you aren’t hurting the type of men your ex was. Those men are WALKING AWAY from their own kids ANYWAY. How does supporting sole custody hurt those men?
The men you are hurting are the other 99% of dads who have supported their kids.
Most importantly, you are hurting those kids by robbing them of one parent.
Maybe you need to do some introspection and make sure that your advocacy is not done out of anger.
Katie writes:
“Granted, it really, really hurts to wake up and not have your kids in your house. On the other hand, you don’t have to do their laundry, drag them out of bed, get them on the bus, clean their rooms, fix all the broken stuff and buy new stuff and give them time-outs when they fight with each other.”
What are you saying? That dads being forcibly removed from their kids is GOOD FOR THE DADS? You know how insulting and bigoted that statement is?
That the dads who WANT to “do their laundry, drag them out of bed, get them on the bus, clean their rooms, fix all the broken stuff and buy new stuff and give them time-outs when they fight with each other” can’t post divorce?
On the one hand you say dads are bad for choosing not to do those things, but then advocate for a system that STOPS dad from doing those things if the mother does not wish it.
When comes the part where your arguments start making sense?
I’m sorry katie but you’re just a horribly biased female chavinist. I feel bad for you, your kids and any man unfortunate enough to settle down with you.
John D., if a man is equally involved in the work of childcare, yes, joint custody is probably best. But that’s not my situation or the situation of a lot of other women. Ten years of not doing laundry, not making dinner, not playing with kids or doing homework or shuttling kids around in the most needy years of their life, or maintaining the home pretty much says this guy doesn’t want to be involved with raising the children.
And yes, he said it himself, many times. He wasn’t brought up that way and he didn’t see it as his job. He thought all this stuff came naturally, with no effort at all.
To state what is obvious to most parents: Raising children is about a lot more than changing diapers and wiping noses. Even a 12 year olds can be legally certified by the Red Cross to do such routine tasks. Nothing special is needed to complete such tasks.
The much tougher parenting work comes as they hit their pre-teen and especially teenage years – where they need as much fathering as they do mothering. Fatherless or father-starved boys and girls end up with far more problems than those whose fathers have a full share in their upbringing, no matter how many or few diapers they changed in the baby/toddler stage.
Eric, agreed that that teenagers present some different challenges. It’s another reason for divorced parents to stay on the same page, maintain the same rules and support each other. At this age, it’s common for girls to turn to dads and boys to turn to moms and different parents may be in the dark on certain issues. It’s also common for teens to play divorced parents against each other (I’m staying at Dad’s/Mom’s), so they can stay out at night.
Once again. It’s not men like your ex that the system punishes by making sure fathers parental rights are doled out at mothers whims.
It’s the good dads who have worked hard being real parents (whether that means outside the home or direct care) who WANT a relationship with their kids your mentality and the current court system born of similar biases hurts.
Again, the facts (as born out in destruction of child well-being with father absence and poles that show dads do just as much work):
Fact: mothers can and are just as selfish, cruel and bad parents as dad.
Fact: dads are REAL AND NECESSARY PARENTS even if they only do 10% of the hands-on care and 100% of the paid work.
Fact: for every selfish dad who walks away there is a selfish mother who divorces because she is bored and keeps dad out of the kids lives with court blessing.
Fact: the overwhelming majority of dads (95%) are a hugely positive influence in the kids lives.
I don’t know if good men are really so deficient in your life, or you just look for evidence to prove your biased beliefs.
I can’t imagine going through life with such a negative view of women as you have of men.
Good luck, I have a feeling you’re going to need it.
John, if a mother has been doing the child-raising and management it makes sense that she continues that in sole custody after divorce. However, the dad still gets every other weekend and Wednesdays and half the holidays and nightly phone calls and can confer with teachers and pediatricians and attend school events, sports activities etc, so I don’t understand why you’re saying fathers are shut out of their childrens’ lives.
Typo – last sentence should read: “I really don’t know why so many men bail on their families while they’re still living in the home.”
The only people helped by single custody are lawyers.
ht tp://www.fathersandfamilies.org/2012/03/12/help-pass-mn-shared-parenting-bill-now/
Shared parenting looks about to pass in Minnesota. Who opposes it?
AAML: American Assn of Matrimonial Lawyers. They know that shared parenting reduces conflict and creates a less contentious, less embittered winner-takes-all environment.
Less contention, means less motions, means less lawyer fees.
It is demonstrably proven that single custody is bad for dads, VERY bad for children, and only helps put lawyers kids through college.
Women need to stop thinking fathers parental rights should be in their hands to decide. Luckily, there are a lot of truly progressive forward thinking people and shared parenting is beginning to catch on fast.
The timing of the riots in the UK and the new bill to protect father access is not an accident. Father absence is the #1 predictor of poor behavioral outcome above all else (above ALL ELSE even income and race—a poor black child raised by two parents on average will fare better than a middle class child raised by a middle-class single mother).
John D., again, it’s best for children to have both parents deeply involved in parenting, but most dads are not doing it, although they might think picking up a kid at soccer is huge parenting. Sorry.
To help change this, at a young age boys need to be brought into learning activities involving expression, creativity, feelings and caring for others. Young boys’ best window for this type of learning is birth-9 yrs (academically 6-9) when parents and schools are forcing boys to try to read and sit still, something the brains of many young boys simply aren’t ready for. They’ll read just fine in a couple years – no stress, no remedial reading, no millions of dollars of wasted funding, no psychiatrists, no special ed and no drugs.
Additionally, just like OBs and hospitals organize “new moms” groups, it totally makes sense for them to organize “new dads” groups. After I joined one I joined another and then was invited to another and stayed connected to these women for years. Some were very different than me – some were working, some weren’t, one women’s husband was just out of prison, one woman was wealthy and materialistic, one woman was a professor who had a prenatal agreement with her husband that he’d impregnate her but she would do all the childraising, another didn’t nurse because she liked to drink, another woman doubted her ability to parent early on but went on to become a great mom, another woman was very religious – and all these women were great moms! I learned a lot from that.
All of our husbands wanted to meet each other and talk but were too shy to call each other so we arranged weekend couples meetings and they really enjoyed it. It was a tremendous relief for them to share their excitement, fears, exhaustion and small triumphs and failures.