A dad shares how striving to be the best that he could as a dad also made him the best man he could be.
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“Luke…I am your father.”
Recognize the line? Nothing drives a successful movie like strong characters in conflict. Back in 1977, when Star War first flashed onto the silver screen the message seemed obvious, conflicts are external—and real heroes never give up.
Imagine my chagrin then, as a father with two small children and a geologist with several degrees and years of industry experience, when our little family was hit with layoff and divorce. The financial hardship that followed was an external foe. I had plenty of skills for dealing with that kind of adversity. It was the fear and anxiety—the kind that creeps in day by day as we became broke in slow motion—that’s where my coping skills failed.
I was still young. Young enough to start another career, law school perhaps, or maybe computers. Still, I didn’t know what to do with the inner conflict: the one waging between the unfulfilled dreams and goals of the inner man and the stoic outer man that I showed to the world every day. What eventually followed was a bout of acute depression and divorce.
During one particularly long night, I found myself at a turning point, something like the man in the Robert Frost poem—two roads diverging the woods. The Greek word for such times is Kairos. There doesn’t seem to be an English equivalent. It means a time of destiny. That night, I stood on the tipping point of a fulcrum in time and met my own future. The following morning I made two commitments: First, to stop being a tired and broke single-dad, and second, to become a nurturing, providing, and protecting father.
It was a long time ago. Ronald Reagan was president. Those two small children are now grown and living their own lives. I tell the story today because the economics of the present, with yet another collapse of the oil and gas industry, seems eerily familiar. I foresee many young parents being compelled by circumstance to play out the same dramas that we did. Another reason is that it took a long time for me to find my voice and tell the story.
To address the financial situation I enrolled in an evening law school program, coupled with a series of low pay, no-benefits jobs. After a few years, I graduated. I was even offered a job, as a lawyer this time. After all the years of just getting by, I had naive hopes that the job would be the answer to all our problems. Life wouldn’t be that simple.
Trying to balance the practice of law with raising children as a single dad soon demonstrated that I still had lots of grieving to do, lingering issues from the divorce and that last chapter of life in the oil patch. That’s when the depression came, several years after the actual layoff. I needed help—and not the sex, drugs, and rock and roll that many associate with the 1980s. I’m talking about individual therapy and men’s groups. With that support, I recommitted myself and eventually learned to thrive along the journey of fatherhood, on a personal quest for healing and hope.
And you’re right. It’s not rocket science. Nor is it an easy path to follow, day after day, month after month, and year after year. It’s the time element that raises the bar and keeps it there. That’s why I believe the commitment piece is so essential. As long as the kids were young enough to be under my roof, I was able to stay on that nurturing, providing, and protecting path. It was a commitment to a higher purpose, my own personal guidance and accountability partner.
It has been a long road. It’s taken a long time for me to find my voice and tell this story. I hope that by sharing it, the story serves as a demonstration to other younger parents, that: It’s OK to struggle, and it’s OK to ask for help. And especially for young men and youth; that to be a good father is a high aspiration for any man.
Based on a version that appeared here.
Photo: Flickr/poppofatticus
Robert, Some of my greatest moments of life have been in my interactions with my 5 children and now 15 grandchildren. Being a father and grandfather has helped me learn who I am, what I believe, what I can handle, and where I still need to grow.
Thank you all!
Congrats on a great blog post!
This article further elevates my respect and admiration for fathers and their priorities. The story reminds me of my own father who punched the federal Civil Service time clock for 35 years to insure the stability of his family even though he privately nurtured other dreams that a childless, married man could have pursued without endangering his family’s economic welfare. Thank you Dad and Robert for “keeping your noses to the grindstone.”
Hey Robert, Great article. My life has played out a lot like yours. A strive for a career change, losing my identity, neglecting what was important, separation, divorce and then a custody battle over my kids. Its taken a long time to come to terms with the last few years. I fought for equal custody and I got it, but the thing I am most proud of was the unquestionable desire to one day become the best dad I could. I took over me like a force, relentless and without question. Regardless of the pain and confusion i was going… Read more »