As daughters age and develop, Hugo Schwyzer argues, it’s important for men to overcome their discomfort and continue to show affection.
“I was always daddy’s little girl. We did everything together. He was my hero. My father was always there with a hug for me; when I was little, he let me climb all over him like he was a jungle gym.
And then my body changed. I developed early; I had boobs by 11. And all of a sudden, my Dad stopped hugging me or 
touching me. He went overnight from being my best friend to being remote and critical.”
I read that in a student’s journal earlier this semester (quoted with permission). I’ve read and heard similar things countless times over the course of nearly 20 years teaching gender studies and doing youth ministry. Ask any family therapist who works with teen girls, and they’ll report the same thing I’ve heard: story after story of fathers withdrawing physical affection as soon as their daughters hit puberty.
Most fathers won’t explain what’s changed. Many of my students report their fathers simply said, “It’s not appropriate anymore” when they were asked why they’d stopped giving or accepting hugs. More commonly, the daughter doesn’t ask why her dad isn’t embracing her any longer, as she’s too embarrassed or confused. Often, she’s scared about what the real reason might be.
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Dads offer their own reasons. Scott, who has two daughters aged 15 and 12, tells me he has this overwhelming fear he might get an erection if he held one of his girls for too long. “I have no sexual desire for my daughters,” he says, “but I’m so scared it might be inadvertent, just a physical response. And if one of my girls noticed, wouldn’t that be more damaging than just not hugging in the first place?”
Other fathers worry less about what their own reaction might be and more what others might think. “Maybe it’s paranoid,” remarks Todd, the father of a 14 year-old girl, “but I feel like every man who touches a girl is seen as a predator. Even dads. So I wonder what people might think if they see me being too affectionate with my daughter.”
I don’t want to dismiss concerns like these too quickly. Many men do admit to being uncomfortable around their developing daughters, and they do figure it’s better to err on the side of caution rather than risk doing something that might have awful incestuous overtones. Erections, which are not always evidence of desire, often come as a unwelcome parasympathetic nervous system response—but imagine trying to explain that to a 15 year-old girl, or just as bad, not explaining it! And Todd is right—we do live in a culture that is deeply suspicious of adult men’s interest in teenagers, even if those adults happen to the fathers of the young people in question.
But here’s the thing about being a dad. Doing what makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable is part of what you signed on for when you became a parent. You get up
in the middle of the night to change diapers and give bottles, even though your body can barely stand the sleep deprivation. You pull a trembling toddler off your leg on the first day of preschool, leaving her to the care of her teachers, and you sit and cry with guilt in the car. (Most dads I know cry harder and longer than their kids on these occasions.) And when that little girl starts to develop a woman’s body (too soon, you protest silently, it’s too soon!) you need to keep right on hugging her.
One widely-believed myth about father-daughter affection is that if a dad stops hugging his daughter, he’ll drive her to seek affection from other males. I’ve heard of pastors who urge fathers to embrace their girls as a “prophylaxis against promiscuity,” and even some therapists take it for granted that there’s a demonstrable connection between paternal touch and a daughter’s sexual decision-making. But as Kerry Cohen points out in Dirty Little Secrets, her forthcoming study of teen girls and promiscuity, no study has ever shown a link. (The actual research on adolescent sexuality shows that parents have much less influence on decision-making than we like to imagine.)
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The reason we should hug our daughters has nothing to do with preserving their virginity. It has to do with reminding them that no matter how overwhelming the changes of adolescence may seem, a father’s love is a constant in the midst of what seems like daily upheaval. Just as importantly, it’s an affirmation that their bodies aren’t as big a problem as our daughters fear that they are. As boys (and, sadly, older men) begin to leer and other girls begin to judge, girls desperately need reassurance that their bodies are not dangerous distractions. A dad who doesn’t freak out that his daughter has boobs can provide that reassurance as few others can.
Dads, like all adults, need to be careful not to foist unwanted affection on young people. Forcing your daughter to hug you when she clearly doesn’t want to is violating; it’s no better (and possibly worse) than shying away from her embraces. On the other hand, it’s not a great idea to put your daughter in the position where she feels she has to ask for normal affection. There’s a delicate dance here, as there always is with teenagers. A little awkwardness is normal.
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As every father knows (or will find out), good parenting involves being both consistent and adaptable. No matter how tempting it is, we can’t treat our teens as we did when they were toddlers. Slowly and steadily, we need to give our kids more autonomy, more freedom, more permission to separate from us. At the same time, we need to love them just as intensely as we did when they were little creatures who sat on our laps and clung to our necks. That means both acknowledging the reality of the onset of puberty without being dismayed or discomfited—or at least without making our discomfort clear to our daughters!
Fathers (and father figures) have a vital role to play in the lives of young women. In a world where so many men seem predatory and unreliable, in a culture where so many older men sexualize teen girls, a loving father figure can provide an indispensable reminder that men are not inherently weak. Girls need dads with the maturity to soothe their own anxieties about their daughters’ burgeoning sexuality. And they need dads who will remind them—in words and actions and hugs—that their bodies are never a problem.
—Photo Ms. Phoenix/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
Terrific article
I grew up in a very old school, unaffectionate home. I didn’t enjoy it.
I am a husband and father of 3 daughters. One is 15 year old. She remarks that I am the most “lovey” dad she knows. This is a very affectionate house. I love you is said dozens of times a day. My girls are confident as a result. I think men have to understand, with daughters, making them feel scure and safe is very important. Making them feel loved and cared for is more so.
Great article.
Regarding the teen promiscuity problem, I think the best way to protect your daughter from teen promiscuity and poor quality relationships (sexual or otherwise) with boys is to show interest in her world, especially things she is good at. By the teen years, most children start to show signs of having abilities and talents in certain areas (like sports, art, science, politics, design, mechanics of cars or other things, reading, afterschool jobs, charity work, etc), and also interest in certain areas? Recognizing this and helping her develop a sense of herself as a having a place in the world as a subject, rather than as a object, is tremendously helpful. Some girls grow up with mothers who model this well and recognize these abilities and interests in their daughters – but for a father to recognize this in a daughter and mentor it is a priceless gift of strength and confidence she’ll carry around wherever she goes in life.
Emily: Do you think teen promiscuity a problem in itself? Should (female) teens not be allowed to be as promiscuous as they want as long as it is consensual and they’re above the legal age of consent?
Or is the sinister whore/madonna complex at play where young women should not want to be promiscous and if they are there must be some defect about them (daddy issues, confidence issues or whatnot)?
I suspect one calls it the problem with teen promiscuity because of other factors often associated with it: lack of use of BC with a signifcantly higher risk of pregnancy and/or STDs. But neither of these needs to be a given consequence of promiscuity – they are perfectly avoidable in this age. I believe that addressing these harmful consequences directly rather that taking a stab at promiscuity (presumably because one erronously sees it as a root cause) is way better that talking about the promiscuity problem. I posit that if you’re promiscuous because you want to be and you are so in a safe way for yourself and your partners then that’s a positive life-enriching thing. If you don’t feel for being promiscuous then that obviously is the right thing for you. The important thing is to help one’s children to have this insight about themselves and what they really want. And the latter part of your comment describes well ways to do this – but I reacted to your “promiscuity problem” statement.
I don’t believe there is this automatic and inevitable connection between defect and promiscuity.
I think it’s misleading to tell either boys or girls that there are not consequences to sex; even well-protected sex has consequences, for both sexes, and is especially risky at this age when the brain is not fully grown – the parts that govern judgment and emotional regulation and provide capacity for intimacy are not there until the early 20s.
I wouldn’t want to encourage teenagers to use their sexuality to act out issues that don’t really have to do with sex, like a need for recognition of one’s developing autonomy or one’s ability to connect with others outside the family in meaningful ways. At this age especially, this is a set-up for betrayal, consequences that affect the rest of their lives, and problems with confusion and conflicts about their sexuality.
Third Wave feminism was important in recognizing the need both sexes have for pleasure and sexuality unfettered by meaningless patriarchal controls, but that’s over now. I think we’re now in the Fourth Wave where responsible parenting by both sexes, recognition of and management of work/parenting conflict for both sexes, and the man being part of the family rather than above and apart from it, is the focus.
Yes, there are consequences to sex and the consequences can take different forms. I think one should rather inform about these consequences rather that to say teen sexuality/promiscuity in itself is a problem. Not knowing about, not taking care of and not avoiding bad consequences are the problem. There are also positive consequences of having sex.
I wasn’t talking about encouraging them to have sex, but rather to not make teenage sex into a problem in itself, thus demonizing it.
It almost sound as if you’re argumenting for a rise in the legal age of consent up to the early 20s?
What was right in third wave feminism surely is still right? And I don’t see how the aspects of fourth wave which you describe (all aspects I absolutely agree with btw) is in any way mutually exclusive with the ones you described as aspect of the third wave?
Teenagers often think themselves more mature and adult than they really are, but the opposite is also very true. Adult people (like parents of teenagers) often think of teenagers are less mature and adult than they really are.
Well – adults have been teenagers and teenagers have never been adults.
I would say exactly the same thing to a teenage boy, by the way.
One problem is that people who have been traumatized by poor quality dads (such as a neglectful dad) often bury this trauma and think they are healthy. Their trauma is invisible to them, because they know no other world; as with teenage brains, not adult brains, the invisibility of this is all the more likely.
It’s much better to deal with these traumas directly and mourn not getting what you needed from your dad.
I think we need to do a better job protecting both boys’ and girls’ childhoods and not oppressing them by encouraging them to grow up too soon. When they’re in their early 20s, when they have reached economic autonomy, if they want to be promiscuous, there’s plenty of time to do that then.
You baffle me. Why the economical autonomy clause for having sex/being promiscuous? Is economical autonomy really a good indicator that their brain is fully grown? Does the brain grow slower when there’s a recession? It’s starting to look more and more like you actually are arguing for a hike in the legal age of consent to the early twenties…
I believe it’s a common problem in parent/children relationships that the parents treat their children as kids for fat too long (some even never stops doing that). It’s the parents responsibility to gauge their childrens maturity and allow them independence and responsibilities accordingly – and allowing them to push their limits and occasionally fail.
I will let slide the omission of poor quality moms and potential trauma caused by that, but I will point out that Hugo in his article did refer and link to a source saying that no studies has found a connection between paternal touch and a daughter’s sexual decision-making. If you have sources saying otherwise I would like to hear about them.
Not here to be your mommy, your daddy, or your therapist.
Just – wow, where did that come from?
hahahahaha,
I don’t know if that counts as shaming language or not.
I wonder how Clarisse Thorn woulda reacted if that is what Pool Hall Dude said…..
you are obviously not here to debate in good faith……
nice ad hominem attack……
Good advice Hugo. And I think this can be extended to fathers and sons as well.
The only (minor) point I disagree with you on is about not forcing kids to hug you. Even when I was a teen and humiliated just to be seen with my parents, they made me hug and kiss them goodbye. While it mortified me at the time, it also was a daily reminder that my parents loved me no matter what. But as a teenager, they literally had to force those hugs and kisses on me because Lord knows I wasn’t about to do that willingly in front of my friends.
I’m almost 32 years old now and I still hug and kiss both my parents every time I see them. I’m treating my son the same way. He’s already started protesting and wiping the kisses off, but that’s OK. He’s going to know I love him every day for the rest of his life, even if it embarrasses the hell out of him.
I think you’re ignoring some factors that are specific to teenage girls. Young girls are already getting a constant signal from our culture that their bodies aren’t truly theirs to control and that they don’t deserve full bodily autonomy. A father forcing his daughter to hug him risks sending the same signal.
And there are plenty of reasons that a teenage girl in particular might not want to hug her parents. The way you roll everything up into teens being “humiliated just to be seen with [their] parents” and wave even that concern off as trivial, as if teenagers can’t possibly have legitimate emotional concerns, is frankly a little offensive to me.
Oh please. Offensive?? Give me a break.
All I’m saying is that I’d treat my son/daughter exactly the same in expressing my love for them. If you’re offended by that then I’m offended by you. I never said teenagers don’t have legitimate emotional concerns. But I’ve yet to see a study showing kids are screwed up by getting too many hugs from their parents.
How you can possibly try to say that a loving father with no history of abusive behavior mandating a goodbye hug sends the message that girls aren’t in control of their own bodies is just ludicrous.
Wow…
Triplanetary
Thank for your input, you manboobz bigot.
Couldn’t agree more with the commenters and the article. I should add that the same goes for mothers and sons. When mine were small (up to about 8 years old), I would threaten to hug them in public if they were misbehaving. (I also threatened their friends….) This did wonders to bring them to order. But in private, hugs were a very important part of our lives. The good feelings go both ways, even if the kids seem unwilling. “Oh, mum, do you have to?” “Yes, because I’m the mum, and that’s what we do…”
“Yes, because I’m the mum, and that’s what we do…”
Gabi, that’s a great response.
My father withdrew all affection as soon as I hit puberty. Not just physical affectimotional all emotional connection as well. All I remember about my dad from the age 11 or 12 onward is a distant, angry man who endlessly criticized my clothes, my friends, and my interests, tried to control everything I did, never ever said “I love you,” and generally made me unhappy and upset on a daily basis. (FYI, I was a straight A student and very shy, so I wasnt exactly getting into a lot of trouble.) Our relationship has never really recovered.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Jill.
My father wasn’t a touchy feely man. I don’t ever remember him really giving me a good hug. But I do have a picture of us together when I was about 5 and he was giving me a horsey ride at my brother’s baseball game. And that’s the only time I can really remember a carefree expression of physical love from him. It’s really important for fathers to give their daughters that validatoin and love. Otherwise, she will go looking for it from any man that will give it to her. Now my Poppop and Uncle PJ, they give the best hugs out of anyone I know . They just wrap their arm s around you and give a you full on hug, nothing held back. And there is nothing more wonderful then that. Expect if it had been my own father that hugged like that.
Oh come on! I got two thumbs down based on my OWN life experience? LOL.
Not here to be your mommy, your daddy, or your therapist.
haha
I think this could easily be expanded to fathers specifically and parents in general showing affection to their children — boys and girls. I can say that probably the hardest part of my childhood was not the repeated tragedies, but the fact that I was unloved. Being alone and without any emotional connection and lacking physical affirmations of love, safety, and security is massively destructive to the healthy development of a child.
I’m seriously messed up in the head as a result of my childhood, but I think many of my biggest struggles result from the fact that I was unloved. I had a very close relationship with my father before he died when I was 10, and my mother was distant, neglectful, and abusive. The last time anyone told me they loved me was my dad a few days before he died. That was 12 years ago. I can count on my hands the number of hugs I have gotten since that time as well.
This lack of love and affection as a child has made me develop a pathology where I need everyone to love me now. It makes standing up for myself and saying no almost impossible because I want everyone to like/love me. I try to take everyone’s side and no one’s side so that everyone will like me. Of course, this sort of back and forth personality really results in just about no one liking me.
I have an uncontrollable need for affirmation and paternal affection, so I develop strange friendships with older men. I have gone so long without feminine/maternal love that I am completely and absolutely terrified of rejection by women, as I very clearly associate it with the neglect and abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother. At the same time, I am equally terrified of affection and love from women while simultaneously desiring it more than anything, and I will push away women that want to be close to me as well as subconsciously filtering out all signals of attraction that women display towards me. (Basically, I either don’t notice, or if I do notice, I assume that the attention is not actually because they think I’m attractive but because there is something wrong with me)
It is at a point where I have difficulty with any physical contact and the last time I was hugged — by a girl — the emotional result was so overwhelming that I just completely broke down and barely had the strength to strangle my emotions and get it back together.
What is the moral of this long winded and woe-is-me story? Love your children. Express your love for your children to them often and authentically. Hug them, tell them you love them, make sure that they KNOW, without any shred of doubt, that you love them unconditionally. Children can adapt quite easily, but don’t make them adapt to a life without love or affection. The results not good and the suffering they go through is unimaginable.
CJ, thank you for speaking up. I can attest too that cold parents lead to very, very ill children. I believe that Mother Teresa herself said there is no poverty worse than loneliness and feeling unloved.
I started out being more affectionate with my daughter, but in public women would shoot looks if she was “too” affectionate with me and after my divorce, I had my new partner take over her bathing and dressing just in case something came back on me.
So Hugo, what do you prescribe for our sons, or is making sure our daughters are ok the priority here?
Ngz, that’s really awful that women would shoot you dirty looks if they felt you were being too affectionate with your daughter. All the more reason for fathers to be more affectionate with their daughters. So that we can see men expressing their love for their daughters and have a more healthy perception of it. I think it’s because we don’t see many examples of men outwardly showing non-sexual love and interest to females in general that some women and even men will look at a non-sexual expression of love from a father to a daughter with question. And that’s sad.
I also don’t think Hugo’s article was trying to say that daughters were more of a priority over sons.
Erin
Fathers are not responsible for women’s bigotry and the male as sex predator stereotype that we are all born into is a political construction designed and spread as part of feminist agitprop, crimes by men are collected up while crimes by women are omitted and the crimes by men are then conflated with men in general, its a political game that fathers aren’t responsible for.
Making things more difficult is the fact that 1 in 10 people in America are falsely accused of abuse of some sort, its generally men being accused by their present or ex female partners. A fathers affection can be turned around and used against him.
Hugo consistently pedestalises females and casts males as their lessers, protectors and providers. He is not directly saying that daughters are the priority and fathers are a problem, he is saying it by omitting mother to son and daughter affection and father to son affection.
The real tragedy is women, like with other forms of child abuse and domestic abuse, might well be doing ,more damage to family members through sexual abuse and feminist agitprop protects these pedophiles and protects their abusers.
“Women who are sexually abusing children causing their victims more injuries than men. It writes the Norwegian newspaper Bergens time. They quote four researchers at the Psychology Faculty at the University of Bergen, who has written an article about it in the Journal of the Norwegian Psychological Association.
Women abuse is similar to those of male sex offenders, writes Bergen’s time, but women’s abuse often occurs in close relationships, and, therefore, more detrimental to the children.
For victims, it is also particularly great shame associated with abuse from just women, “says Nystad Haugland, researchers at the University of Bergen. She says that research even indicates that violence carried out by women sometimes get reported as abuse by the men.
Inge Nordhaug at the “Regional ressurssenter if vold, trauma og sjølvmord in Vest” leading the evolution of research on family violence, and violence against children as a specialty. “The research has often said that 80 percent of the assaults come from men,” he says, “but there is certainly a dark figure here.”
He says there are several reasons to believe that the proportion of female offenders is more than 20 percent. Nordhaug says:
“There is a double taboo on women as perpetrators. Women are mothers and often a primary person for children to bond with. ”
He further says:
“The media is a female teacher who becomes pregnant by a 15-year-old boy described as a” tragedy “. But if a male teacher had done something similar, it will be spoken of as “grotesque”.
Inge Nordhaug believe that men are more often described as demons, but that other feelings and words used when women are abusive. “They become ‘victims’, while the husband is the ‘perpetrator’ – one who is guilty.
Thanks for the tip, J, GenusNytts reporter from Norway.”
htt p://translate.google.com/translate?js=n&prev=_t&hl=sv&ie=UTF-8&layout=2&eotf=1&sl=sv&tl=en&u=http://genusnytt.wordpress.com/2011/06/14/kvinnliga-pedofiler-orsakar-barn-storre-skada/
Look at the thumb down, another feminist wants to protect female pedophiles and oppress their victims.
“because we don’t see many examples of men outwardly showing non-sexual love and interest to females in general that some women and even men will look at a non-sexual expression of love from a father to a daughter with question.”
What a man-hating statement. Is that what feminism has come to?
and she is unaware of the hate that’s encoded in her words.
Please explain to me what aspect of my comments where man-hating.
We are so culturally inunadated with images of a man’s lust for a woman and a woman’s priorty in being an object of lust that any sign of affection and non-sexual love between a male and femle is currpted. 20 years ago no one would bat an eye if someone developed pictures of a naked baby. Now people call in the police if they see too much of a baby’s thigh in a picture. We do not see to many images or healthy examples of men displaying non-sexual love and interest in females.
Do you disagree that most images in our social media center around showing a man’s lust for woman, but not really a man’s non-sexual love? Do you disagree that this harms both men and women and their perceptions of the narrow set of rules a male and female can have a relationship within? So when people DO see an expression of non-sexual love between a father and daughter, our over sexualized culture corrupts that. If we ignore the truth in that, then we can’t change it. And that is about the furthest thing from man-hating you are going to get.
This is the main man-hating statement:
“. I think it’s because we don’t see many examples of men outwardly showing non-sexual love and interest to females in general. . .”
Even in society at large, people don’t assume a father showing affection to his daughter is because of some sick sexual lust. Only feminists see affection between fathers and daughters as some sort of sexual thing. That’s one of the worst examples of misandry imaginable.
which is not even close to the truth, particularly if you actually have human interaction with men who are fathers.
Excuse me but how does “I think it’s because we don’t see many examples of men outwardly showing non-sexual love and interest in femals ingeneral…” equate to “any sign of affection from a a father to his daughter is sickly sexual”?
Come on. Get real. Our culture focuses largely on female sexuality and the ability for a woman or girl to be sexy. We don’t infact see many positive examples of men showing non-sexual interest in women. I am talking about on a media scale. I am not talking about daily interactions between famly members.
Don’t use me to peddle your own hating perceptions Eric.
That’s what feminism can do.
I agree that fathers showing physical affection is important, I also think that hearing the words “I love you” are equally powerful. My father was not an affectionate man growing up, I think partially due to the fact that he was an injured war veteran and was always in constant pain, but I remember very clearly something he said to me when I began a very painful divorce “No man will ever love you as much as I do”. Ever since that moment, I knew, rock solid, that my father’s love for me was eternal.
I am happy to say, however, since his knee replacement surgery and a dramatic reduction in his pain, and since becoming a Grandfather (4 times) he has been more affectionate with all three of his children and has been wonderfully and equally affectionate with his grandchildren, two girls and two boys.
There are quite a few fathers who would love to be able to lavish affection on their daughters. However, when we have a society that is so invested in vilify men and creep-shame them by accusing them of being pedophiles, you find that men have to keep their distance for their own sake.
Between the general attitude toward men in public with children, especially girls, and the fact that false sexual abuse claims is standard ammunition in divorce proceedings, what do you expect men to do?
That’s right…we should just “man up” and deal with it because that is what we are supposed to do.
You want dads to be more doting? Then fix this system that castigates them for being men.
Regardless of your affiliation (feminism or mra), the fact that fathers are overwhelmingly saying they are afraid to hug their pre/teen daughters because of what might be said about their motivations, is a disgusting commentary on the esteem in which we hold men.
I notice that this piece was part of the “Good men” project, can you imagine if there was an equivalent “Good Women” project the screams coming from the feminists. Unfortunately we live in a society where women have rights but their responsibilities are never spoken of whilst men have responsibilities but their rights are never discussed. I appreciate the comments re the fear of the accusation of child abuse and commend the author for raising the issue but all the good work is undermined with the missandrist comments such as “leering” and the stupid suggestion that old men are responsible for the sexualisation of young women. It seems that in Western culture, a male writer is not allowed to comment on Gender issues without some condemnation of males.
interesting points you bring up….
The coven at r/twoscromosomes are discussing this article, there is zero empathy of mention of men being targeted for false accusations and profiled as sex criminals by the feminist movement as you would expect but there are a few surprisingly honest, self aware and illuminating comments.
“Yeah, the shift was more dramatic with my mother. I went from being her daughter to being competition. It really sucked.”
“My Dad started withdrawing when I hit puberty, too, but it might have turned out okay if his second wife hadn’t convinced him that the only reason I wanted to hug him was because I actually wanted to sleep with him. And then he told me that my desire for physical affection was inappropriate. That incident is the worst memory of my entire life – and I have some bad ones.
I love my Dad. I just wanted a hug.”
“My mother, on the other hand, was a different matter, and I think puberty was the catalyst. From about the age of 14, I didn’t have a mum, just a female housemate who occasionally cooked meals, and made rules I had to obey – no affection, no conversation, no nothing. I’ve struggled over the last few years to figure out why, as she treated my younger siblings radically differently.”
Haha!
Also, from r/twoxcromosomes. Classic dysfunctional feminist thinking, she is projecting her own thoughts on to a male and blaming him for them, surprisingly she is just self aware enough to realize that shes doing it, but she not enough to put the realization into practice, talk about dissonance.
“Ever since puberty hit this has been on my mind. I worry that my dad is looking at my chest (and I catch his eyes going there for a second every once in awhile) and so I shy away from him. I can’t walk around the house with no bra and a shirt on around him, I just can’t. I don’t want to put him in the position that he’ll look and make us both uncomfortable. We don’t hug anymore. Part of the problem, I think, is that I read incest erotica (usually dad/daughter) but have absolutely no interest in that in real life. None. But I’ve got in my head that dad’s sometimes are attracted to their daughters and it squicks me out to think of my dad like that. Bleh, I hate it. I always find myself slumping my shoulders forward to minimize my boobs when I’m around him.”
Once again, Hugo, you miss the mark with this article.
It’s not because men simply withold physical affection for their daughters. The other half of the equation is that society tells men not to do so because behaviour like that is branded as pedophlic, the ones giving affection labeled having “Lustful Intentions” by people who don’t understand.
A man’s life can be ruined by the cry of “Rapist” or being suspected of inapporpriate conduct with a girl. So it’s no surprise men are reluctant on public displays of affection towards their daughters.
The fact that you don’t address this in your article (even a simple few paragraphs will do) and continue looking at it being the fault of men themselves just shows you’re more about seeing them as problems on two legs rather than the human beings and individuals they are.
Edit: “But here’s the thing about being a dad. Doing what makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable is part of what you signed on for when you became a parent. You get up in the middle of the night to change diapers and give bottles, even though your body can barely stand the sleep deprivation. You pull a trembling toddler off your leg on the first day of preschool, leaving her to the care of her teachers, and you sit and cry with guilt in the car. (Most dads I know cry harder and longer than their kids on these occasions.) And when that little girl starts to develop a woman’s body (too soon, you protest silently, it’s too soon!) you need to keep right on hugging her.”
Men didn’t sign up for getting falsely accused of rape or child abuse should their actions be misinterpreted by people who don’t know them (media, hysterical populace). So your condescending lecture is null!
Yes, Hugo missed the boat once again, and in typical Titanic fashion….but…
My father was/is not demonstrably affectionate, but there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me and wishes the absolute best for me in every kingdom imaginable. I feel his love – tremendously, tangibly, and without a second thought. I’m fully capable of appreciating his love and affection sans the dramatic bear hug. Bear hugs are nice, mind you, but not mandatory.
And no, I don’t expect either of my parents to perform something “excruciatingly uncomfortable” to please me. Parents are people too!!
That’s a good point, Elissa
There are other ways of showing love that don’t have to involve big hugs or kisses. I wonder what Hugo would think of those parents if they didn’t meet his criteria; “Physical affection everytime”.
Its a really good point. Smiley faced fascism.
“Hugs are good, so if you don’t want one we are going to physically force you to have one”
Hugo, I’m not yet a parent, but I think this might be my favorite thing you’ve ever written. Very well said, and very wise.
Telling men who are concerned about their actions being misinterpreted as pedophelic and being branded a `Child abuser`:
“But here’s the thing about being a dad. Doing what makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable is part of what you signed on for when you became a parent. `
Translation: Man up and take it.
Is FAR from wise.
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Wow, I feel you were writing that article for me. My daughter is 12 year old and I can feel my hugs painfully slowing down and our relationship drifting away. I don’t want to slow down the hugs, but for some reason, I feel uncomfortable doing it as she gets older. THAT WILL STOP IMMEDIATELY! You are right – I need to break through that uncomfortable barrier. Thanks for giving me the insight.
I am 19 year old in college, and I have no problem hugging my father in public, even in front of my friends. We are a very affectionate family, and I love my dad. I encourage all fathers to hug their daughters like mine does, because even if you can’t say “I love you”, you can show it every day with a hug, for actions speak louder than words. Show your daughters that you love them, or they will get into trouble seeking that love elsewhere.