As daughters age and develop, Hugo Schwyzer argues, it’s important for men to overcome their discomfort and continue to show affection.
“I was always daddy’s little girl. We did everything together. He was my hero. My father was always there with a hug for me; when I was little, he let me climb all over him like he was a jungle gym.
And then my body changed. I developed early; I had boobs by 11. And all of a sudden, my Dad stopped hugging me or 
touching me. He went overnight from being my best friend to being remote and critical.”
I read that in a student’s journal earlier this semester (quoted with permission). I’ve read and heard similar things countless times over the course of nearly 20 years teaching gender studies and doing youth ministry. Ask any family therapist who works with teen girls, and they’ll report the same thing I’ve heard: story after story of fathers withdrawing physical affection as soon as their daughters hit puberty.
Most fathers won’t explain what’s changed. Many of my students report their fathers simply said, “It’s not appropriate anymore” when they were asked why they’d stopped giving or accepting hugs. More commonly, the daughter doesn’t ask why her dad isn’t embracing her any longer, as she’s too embarrassed or confused. Often, she’s scared about what the real reason might be.
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Dads offer their own reasons. Scott, who has two daughters aged 15 and 12, tells me he has this overwhelming fear he might get an erection if he held one of his girls for too long. “I have no sexual desire for my daughters,” he says, “but I’m so scared it might be inadvertent, just a physical response. And if one of my girls noticed, wouldn’t that be more damaging than just not hugging in the first place?”
Other fathers worry less about what their own reaction might be and more what others might think. “Maybe it’s paranoid,” remarks Todd, the father of a 14 year-old girl, “but I feel like every man who touches a girl is seen as a predator. Even dads. So I wonder what people might think if they see me being too affectionate with my daughter.”
I don’t want to dismiss concerns like these too quickly. Many men do admit to being uncomfortable around their developing daughters, and they do figure it’s better to err on the side of caution rather than risk doing something that might have awful incestuous overtones. Erections, which are not always evidence of desire, often come as a unwelcome parasympathetic nervous system response—but imagine trying to explain that to a 15 year-old girl, or just as bad, not explaining it! And Todd is right—we do live in a culture that is deeply suspicious of adult men’s interest in teenagers, even if those adults happen to the fathers of the young people in question.
But here’s the thing about being a dad. Doing what makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable is part of what you signed on for when you became a parent. You get up
in the middle of the night to change diapers and give bottles, even though your body can barely stand the sleep deprivation. You pull a trembling toddler off your leg on the first day of preschool, leaving her to the care of her teachers, and you sit and cry with guilt in the car. (Most dads I know cry harder and longer than their kids on these occasions.) And when that little girl starts to develop a woman’s body (too soon, you protest silently, it’s too soon!) you need to keep right on hugging her.
One widely-believed myth about father-daughter affection is that if a dad stops hugging his daughter, he’ll drive her to seek affection from other males. I’ve heard of pastors who urge fathers to embrace their girls as a “prophylaxis against promiscuity,” and even some therapists take it for granted that there’s a demonstrable connection between paternal touch and a daughter’s sexual decision-making. But as Kerry Cohen points out in Dirty Little Secrets, her forthcoming study of teen girls and promiscuity, no study has ever shown a link. (The actual research on adolescent sexuality shows that parents have much less influence on decision-making than we like to imagine.)
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The reason we should hug our daughters has nothing to do with preserving their virginity. It has to do with reminding them that no matter how overwhelming the changes of adolescence may seem, a father’s love is a constant in the midst of what seems like daily upheaval. Just as importantly, it’s an affirmation that their bodies aren’t as big a problem as our daughters fear that they are. As boys (and, sadly, older men) begin to leer and other girls begin to judge, girls desperately need reassurance that their bodies are not dangerous distractions. A dad who doesn’t freak out that his daughter has boobs can provide that reassurance as few others can.
Dads, like all adults, need to be careful not to foist unwanted affection on young people. Forcing your daughter to hug you when she clearly doesn’t want to is violating; it’s no better (and possibly worse) than shying away from her embraces. On the other hand, it’s not a great idea to put your daughter in the position where she feels she has to ask for normal affection. There’s a delicate dance here, as there always is with teenagers. A little awkwardness is normal.
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As every father knows (or will find out), good parenting involves being both consistent and adaptable. No matter how tempting it is, we can’t treat our teens as we did when they were toddlers. Slowly and steadily, we need to give our kids more autonomy, more freedom, more permission to separate from us. At the same time, we need to love them just as intensely as we did when they were little creatures who sat on our laps and clung to our necks. That means both acknowledging the reality of the onset of puberty without being dismayed or discomfited—or at least without making our discomfort clear to our daughters!
Fathers (and father figures) have a vital role to play in the lives of young women. In a world where so many men seem predatory and unreliable, in a culture where so many older men sexualize teen girls, a loving father figure can provide an indispensable reminder that men are not inherently weak. Girls need dads with the maturity to soothe their own anxieties about their daughters’ burgeoning sexuality. And they need dads who will remind them—in words and actions and hugs—that their bodies are never a problem.
—Photo Ms. Phoenix/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
My dad only gives me awkward “one arm” hugs and has done so since I first developed breasts at age 12. I’m now 45 and he still avoids coming into a contact with my breasts like the plague.
Sad, because I have given hugs to a lot of guys in my life, and I don’t even think about the fact that they can feel my breasts. It’s not sexual unless that’s the idea. Otherwise, a hug is just a hug.
OK. I just want to thank Hugo for his informative article. I needed to hear that the awkwardness I am experiencing for the first time with my 15 year old daughter is normal. It helped to hear that our Daughters need us to get over our own anxieties and guilt (or whatever it is) on our own. We still have a responsibility to show them in words and actions that their bodies are not a problem. We really don’t want to mess them up in any way. Let’s just be the best Dad’s we can possibly be.
My dad once told me, “You are my daughter, and you always will be. I will love you, and do my best to show it every chance I can.” I can’t say I was always comfortable with hugs, and even now have a hard time hugging friends, siblings, extended family, but never my dad. I knew that with my dad I was always safe and loved. And his hugs are never “weak” but full bear hugs meant to show his great love. The more I remember that in the rest of my life, the easier it is to accept love from others. Parents or great caregivers really are vital for a child to learn that lesson, I think.
My sisters and I don’t like to hug men and dad either because our chests are there. We like to shoulder hug and arm and hand grab. Sometimes we just cheek touch . Don’t you all know that some girls feel awkward hugging men. Do not force them, because all my girlfriends feel the same way. It’s not about dad all the time. Stop forcing girls to hug people. It is not good.
Overcome your fears? Would that be the fear of being pilloried in the public media as a pervert? or would that be the fear of being accused of being a pervert? Or would that be the fear of ending up with a cellmate named Bruno?
Why don’t you start with changing the mind of the f’ing Witch hunters out there that have been preying on men for 50 years! Hell I am so damned scared of children I won’t stay ina room alone with any!
Just remember these little news items guys: Little Rascals Day Care and the McMartin Day Care cases! Just do a little Wiki search on Day care sex abuse hysteria…. THEN go tell me to hug an adolescent again…..
Sorry but I just cannot take the risk! It doesn’t matter even if you are innocent…. just ONE accusation is all it takes for a man’s life to be completely ruined! JUST THE F’ING ACCUSATION!!!!
So go look elsewhere when you are looking for a solution to this problem.
Mr. Hugo, don’t blame mothers for all the ugly things that men do. My friends and I talk about this all the time. Dad can grab his daughter’s arm or hand and walk together in affection. He doesn’t need to come in contact with her chest, at all. If a girl is uncomfortable, why would you want to tell her she is wrong ?? You men are all the same!!!!!!
OK, if a teenager or young woman says she is uncomfortable with hugs, then that should be respected but many women are comfortable with hugs from their fathers and would like them to show them innocent affection. Just because you are hung up with it, Jean, does not mean all women are. You do not represent every female in the world.
Mr. Sean, you do not have the right to label a person as “Hung up”, just because they do not want dad to hug them too closely. You don’t know me and i believe you would not welcome my labeling of you as an arrogant man who thinks men can have all access to their daughter’s bodies.
Jean, please back off off Sean. He already said that if she is uncomfortable “then that should be respected” no one is saying we need to force our Daughters to hug us. Do you honestly think Dad’s just want to force their daughter to hug them so they can “cop a feel”??? You must have had a bad experience or something. Don’t put all men in the same box woman!!!
Jean, perhaps you were labelled ‘hung up’ because of your horrible attitude in the first post you made. The article SPECIFICALLY STATES not to force hugs on people, and there are plenty of accounts of daughters (and sons) being sad that they don’t get much physical affection from one or both parents. So stop trying to force your sexist man-hating opinions on everyone. For you to associate hugging with sex makes you EXTREMELY perverted.
Well, it’s too bad I came too late, but PJ, for Pete’s sake pay attention and read between the lines. You are insulting a teenager who is sensitive about this issue. Stop it.
Actually, my apologies Jean, after reading your later posts I see that you are not a teenager. I’m sorry. What can I say? You sounded like one.
I can’t say this enough, don’t force a girl to hug in a tight front hug if she is incomfortable. There are many other ways to show affection to sons and daughters. Yes, a dad who is breathing and alive can definitely feel breasts, no matter how much he denies this fact. Let us all please be appropriate.
This actually made me cry, because I realized that this is exactly what happened between my father and I. My father and I were like two peas in a pod, and then suddenly he became terribly awkward around me and hypercritical. I commend all the fathers who rise above these nonsensical feelings of awkwardness. It is so much worse to have lost that special connection with your little girl.
your father is a good man.dont be so critical.maybe he exagerated a bit -but he erred on the side of caution most likely out of respect and a selfless kind of love and pride.he wants you to grow strong and become independant.find the man of your dreams etc.others choose to use this early bond to exploit their daughters sexually-they groom their daughters to have sex with them.so maybe he could be a bit more affectionate-but all the same he deserves respect.try to talk to him and work it out.
Please, Please stop over analyzing hugging your beautiful children. We are meant to hug each other(all the time if necessary). The human touch is so important, when we are young and yes when we are older too.
As a divorced Dad who was(and is)around his children all the time, I want to keep hugging my grown children. I am proud they return the hugs too.
Both are pretty well adjusted and am proud of that fact. I like to hope that I was a small part of their well being. My son especially like to hug people when he is saying goodbye and won’t be seeing someone for a while.
Please keep hugging your children-ALL the TIME.
Men are sexual all the time. They never stop feeling the urges. I look forward to the day when men’s arrogance and egotistical attitudes will allow them to humble themselves and admit that girls and women DO feel awkward hugging their dads, uncles,and other men who are not mates. Get over yourselves. The bad, attitudes you all build up in your hearts is what is destroying this world and the females in it. All of you men who disregard a female’s opinion about her OWN body are pathetic. This is what angers females. We do have the right to have privacy for out bodies and don’t always want you near us. And some of you try to just make us want to hug you. Well, get over yourselves. You don’t own your daughter’s body and she can decide if she does not want to hug you!! For real !!
Jean with respect. In an earlier post you stated, “…you do not have the right to label a person…You don’t know me…”. Well i have to say that you don’t have the right to claim that all men are sexual all the time. I would agree with you that their are men that have sexual feelings towards their daughters. I would agree with you that these men are wrong into pressuring their daughters into inappropriate affection. However I think most of the people, women included, in this post are simply trying to tell fathers to not shy away from consoling their daughters needs just because they are maturing. I would agree that while giving autonomy also comes distancing your affection nothing in this world warrants a person togive up on showing their love. I give my mom a big hug when I know I wont see here for a while… is that supposed to be sexual? When I say good bye to by girl-friends they often approach me with a hug. I don’t take this as an assumption of their sexuality toward me I instead understand it for what it is… A simple gesture of their respect for me as a friend. Whether you believe this or not women, on average (qualifier learn to use them), are more physical than men. Not necessarily in a sexual preference but more in their understanding of relationships (hence why women or considered nurturers). And in a world where fathers are supposed to protect their daughters from those evil predators you speak of, I think that a simple hug is more than warranted.
Let me also qualify my definition of a hug with respects to a growing women. A short embrace that is initiated by the women and respects her self established boundaries.
That’s the most sense made in this entire debate.
aye, what has the world come to? and jean you have some deep seated misandry, maybe your father wasnt the best or the last few boyfriends you have had were disrespectful assholes. either way, the article is about the fathers discomfort in the matter, not the woman’s. Hugs are very important, otherwise we would grow up to be stone cold bitches like yourself. and yeah, you are hung up
From Michele’s comment:
“aye, what has the world come to? and jean you have some deep seated misandry”
You Michele, are not qualified to analyze me, nor did I give you permission to. That is what is wrong with the gender situation problem, in this country. Men and women who are confused cannot not seem to accept the fact that a female, girl or woman, can love her dad without wanting to have her breasts in close contact with dad. She can be perfectly normal and feel this way. Maybe, Michele, it is you who has the deep rooted, problem. This is America and last I heard, people are free and generally have body autonomy, or were you still in the cave under the rock, when people achieved body autonomy?? A female can feel anyway she want, just as we allow men to have control over their bodies. They dare women to mess with their territory. You are a woman and are helping to set a bad precedence, when we scold and threaten, and try to make females think that something is wrong with them when they protect their own breasts.I f I was qualified to make tha anaysis, I would say to you Michele, that you are a woman hater and part of the problem women have toay!!
To Michelle Preter, for your judgemental information, I grew up with the best dad in the world. I had excellent relationships with my male friends. I love men just like any other female, but I indeed, have the right to have and express my views on daughter dad relationships. I have worked with young girls in England and the USA and had listened to girls as they speak of these things. If you would take the time to listen and respect what young girls say and no hush their voices,then maybe your accusatory attitude could run on the lines of a more compassionate woman. I have daughters and nieces also, and from what their conversationsare about, there is a need to not always be so mashy huggy with dad and other males, unless it is a “sweetie-fella.” I remember myself, not wanting to hug men when I was a girl. That doesn’t make a female feminist, man hating, or any of the terms you people seem to need to throw at a female who likes to choose who she is all huggy huggy with. If a girl wants to hug her dad, that is fine, but at the same time, you have to respect her if she does not like hugs. Stop trying to change a girl just to satisfy her dad who is oh sooooooo sad because the girl doesn’t like his hugs. My goodness what is this world coming to? Must you all, always make everthing about the man? Dad must get over himself. He can’t have the world in his hands.He is only a man and his daughter has a mind of her own and she is not his property.
What a peice of work you are! Can you even smell the poo your shoveling? Everyone else can! Put up a picture of yourself, take ownership of these comments so we can see it running down your face. Lol
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of your hypocrisy.
Wow, I’ve never known of any man to get an erection when he hugged his daughter. My daughter is grown and has a son of her own. I still hug her and always will. In fact, If I leave her house and don’t hug her she’ll phone me and ask if something is wrong. And for that matter, I also hug my grown son.
There appears to be a lack of understanding that many dads know when it’s appropriate and not. When my daughter was maturing and she got her first bra, I couldn’t even look in her general direction without her asking what I was looking at.
I wish people wouldn’t make it sound like men have no clue about things or worse yet, know their daughters.
“A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life.” this is a fact in my life.
Honestly, I don’t really like hugging my dad because I feel like he wants a hug all the time. For example, before work, after work, at night and maybe once in between. But I don’t want that. I think that a simple Hug goodnight would do it. I’m 16 and I love my dad, just I don’t want to be treated as a little girl. And I’m not sure the kind of affection my dad gives me is appropriate because he’ll touch my legs and he’ll wrestle with me on my bed or he’ll try to playfully pull me off my bed when I have short-shorts on and obviously my shorts are riding up. It’s very uncomfortable. And I wish I knew what to tell him.
yes.i know the type.And no-its not appropriate.Hes looking for something.You’re a good woman though.must have gotten it from your mom.
Alicia, I don’t think your dad is necessarily a creep. I believe that maybe, as you said it, he still feels you’re his little girl. It’s very important to find a way to tell him that (maybe ask for the help of a school counselor or something) in order to preserve your relationship with him or at least get the matter straight. I wish you good luck with your struggles!
My dad has always hugged me but i found it odd that he wanted to rub baby oily in my body when i was ill at 16 i said no but he carried on anyway, he is now no longer in my life thank god
No wonder Americans have so many issues if hugging is seem as wrong. Sheesh. You even almost succeeded in transferring your paranoia over here but fortunately several newspapers ran articles that made it clear there is nothing wrong with hugging a child (who isn’t uncomfortable with it), including kids who are your students or at nursery (preschool) and there was an article about a school making it clear they encourage hugging (or cuddling as many of us still call it here) their students. As for the extremely paranoid idea that men want to access their daughter’s bodies: most men are not child molesters – and if your dad was one, you’d know it long before you hit puberty. On a side note, correct about the erections – heck I still get the occasional spontaneous one, and massage parlors know that touching certain parts of the body (not even the intimate parts) can cause an erection. Nothing to be ashamed of – it’s the intent that counts.
Be careful
My daughter is 23 years old and just graduated from the University of Wisconsin in Madison this past May. I still hug her, just as I did when she was little. Yes, sometime we feel awkward at time s but we come from a hugging family (my wife’s side of the family). Just this morning I walked pass her and grabbed her by the arm and she stated you are touching me..I told her I will always touch you and show you I love ya.
My dad never showed his children affection by hugging us when we were growing up. Not until he became older in his late sixties did he tell us he loved us or would hug us. We all noticed the change in him at this time. My father in law would always give me hug whenever he would see us, even though the kids would complain about his hugs in a kidding way.
I don’t feel anything sexual whenever I hug my female relatives or daughter. Yes, men will always have sexual thoughts during each day but feeling this way towards my own child would be just Nasty to me. When she was little we discussed with our children what touch was appropriate and which was wrong. To tell us if she / he someone touched him / her the wrong way, so we could take action against that person.
We need to continue to tell our children we love them, just as we did when they were little. To let them know we still can discuss anything they may be going through in life with us. This leads to them having a healthy and loving relationships with others. Trust them to make the right decisions in life.
WoW……all these feelings….some so sad…but there are woman that feel that men do not always think about the woman/girls feelings….There some great Dad’s out there I am sure..I have come across a few…but have also come across a few different one’s….AS woman are not the same..SO too are men…I am a person who never had a daughter but had young people that showed me so much love with small hugs that it still with me 6 years on…I miss the warm feelings…YOU Dad’s are so lucky and enjoy the investment and it will give you the returns…and Ladies..young…old or in between be upfront with the MEN in your lives..as we that are seen as uncles ..dad’s friends will love you even without the hugs….You are so special…Thank you for the time you give me…
Holy vitriol on this comment page.
On a more emotional note, this article has me in tears. I miss my parents, and wish I could hug them, especially my dad. He still kisses me on the cheek when we say “goodbye”. It is something special to be touched by other humans.