Jonathan Delavan urges both women and men to do something more meaningful for the men in their lives this year and into the future.
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With Fathers’ Day around the corner, I find myself reflecting back on a seemingly irrelevant incident that happened a few years ago.
One day back in 2010—towards the end of either my junior year or the beginning of my senior year in college, I can’t remember which—I was eating lunch in the campus cafeteria as I did most days then. Shortly after sitting down with my meal, two girls who were a year behind me and lived in the same co-ed dorm I did sat next to me across from each other. I also had some classes with each of them and attended similar events with them in the past, so we all knew each other well enough as friendly colleagues.
At this point, I decided to join in on their conversation and give my two-cents on the matter. I told them I could let them in on a secret about men in general that could resolve their current conundrum over gift-giving.
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Anyways, as they were sitting down next to me to eat, one of them was complaining to the other how hard it was for her to find a present for her boyfriend’s birthday coming up. She confided to her girl friend that it is always hard for her to pick a gift for the men in her life other than the stereotypical ones: dress ties, tools, sports stuff, grilling accessories, electronics, and the like. She wanted to do something different for her boyfriend, but was at a lost as to what she could do differently that her boyfriend would still like. The other girl then shared her own frustrations over the same dilemma—in her case, choosing gifts to give to her father when the occasion arose.
At this point, I decided to join in on their conversation and give my two-cents on the matter. I told them I could let them in on a secret about men in general that could resolve their current conundrum over gift-giving for men. Somewhat surprisingly, they were eager to listen to what I had to share, leaning in to hear carefully my supposed expertise on the matter as an “insider”. I went on to reveal to them what all men, in my opinion, secretly desire either consciously or unconsciously from the people around them and especially from their loved ones.
I explained to my female peers the deep desire of men to be appreciated, to have their actions be noticed, to know that their presence in one’s life makes a meaningful difference for the better. In short, men want to know that they matter.
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For you see, we men are inclined to express ourselves through our actions since they tend to feel more natural for us rather than using our words all the time. So when we go through the sincere efforts to hold the door open for you, be considerate of your potential needs or desires, go out of our way to help you with a problem you may have, participate in something you enjoy even if we don’t, or any other thoughtful action for you, it is a sign that we care about you. You are important to us and so we want to make your life better, happier through our actions and our daily presence in your life. This is true of all relationships men may have: a son to his mother, a father to his daughter, a boyfriend with his girlfriend, a husband with his wife, as a friend to another, and so on.
We remain silent about this real need of ours, or worse, we simply fool ourselves into believing we do not at all need such affirmations from others.
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However, as we carry out these meaningful actions of ours day in and day out for the people we care about, there is a part of us that can’t help but wonder if our actions, our presence, really matters to this person or that one. In all honesty, it is an insecurity inherent in everyone, men and women. The difference, however, lies in the unfortunate reality that men are conditioned throughout life not to ask for affirmative feedback out of a fear that asking for them may be seen as a sign of weakness, un-manly, or an unacceptable act of narcissism. Thus, we remain silent about this real need of ours, or worse, we simply fool ourselves into believing we do not at all need such affirmations from others. This conditioning is just another consequence of the silent yet pervasive “man box” as it is often described, among other factors.
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Returning to my introductory story, I briefly explained to the two women what I described above and shared with them some examples I noticed one of their floormates did for her boyfriend (who also lived on my floor) by writing hand-written cards of affirmations to him every now and then. As soon as I was done conveying my “insider’s wisdom” with them, the two women became excited, passionately sharing with each other how they could let the men in their lives know how much they mean to them. During this eager exchange, the girl with the boyfriend turned to me, told me that what I had just shared was “deep”, and thanked me for my “two-cent” contribution.
Instead of sticking with your usual go-to presents, try doing something different, something more meaningful that better expresses your appreciation for him and his efforts.
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How does all of this relate to Fathers’ Day? Well, I think it sheds light on an unmet need that has an opportunity to be addressed on the upcoming social celebration. Instead of sticking with your usual go-to presents for Fathers’ Day, try doing something different, something more meaningful that better expresses your appreciation for him and his efforts. Even if your father or husband enjoys the kind of gifts considered stereotypically appropriate for such an occasion, try taking it a step further this time around. Use Fathers’ Day coming up as an opportunity to express your appreciation, your affirmations, of that special man or men in your life. And don’t stop there! Don’t just wait till Fathers’ Day each year to express your affirmations to the men in your life. Be proactive and share your supportive thoughts, feelings, and observations with your man as the opportunities presents themselves, even if it’s just a simple “thank you for such-and-such” on occasion.
You may be wondering “Ok, but why are you so focused on affirmations and giving them? Is it really that important?” To put it simply: Yes, I do believe it is important to talk about. I believe healthy affirmations are a necessity for everyone. Not only because they give us a positive emotional boost that can make all the difference in one’s day, week, or month, but also because I believe it is an important aspect of how we can mirror to each other.
As I discussed in an earlier article about significant others, the act of mirroring and having others reflect back to us important aspects or qualities of our character is a vital part of how we ultimately grow into our unique self. Otherwise, we can remain blind to such qualities that make us a real and distinctive person that can also give back to others in our own meaningful ways. Let me phrase it this way: if you give someone an affirmative comment, you may be giving that person an opportunity to better understand him/herself as well. For example, the receiver of such a comment might be thinking to one’s self: “Wow, you had this good thing to say about me. I did not see that quality in myself before you mentioned it to me. I had no idea I had that potential, quality, or ability!” Now that person knows more about him/herself in a positive way as a result. That is why I believe affirmations is so important to talk about and act on.
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As for me, I am not a father yet; I’m not even in a serious relationship right now. Nevertheless, I will admit that I count myself among the many men who hunger for that healthy dose of affirmation from time to time. As I said earlier, it’s an inherent insecurity that is simply a part of being human—including myself. While I cannot demand, let alone force, anyone around me to give me such affirmations (doing so would defeat its purpose and potential effect), I can impart on the people in my life what I appreciate about them and their presence in it. It may not directly address my own need on this issue as I would prefer it to be, but it is truly a gift that keeps on giving for both the receiver and the giver.
Moreover, it is a way for me to be proactive about it rather than passively waiting for someone somewhere at some time to do so for me. That is a relational trap I have often fallen into before and one I try to be mindful of when it presents itself. I better understood this tendency of mine after reading through Henri Nouwen’s personal struggles and insights with the same issue in his personal journal, The Inner Voice of Love.
So with Fathers’ Day only a few weeks away, let’s do something different! Let’s give him, whoever he may be, a gift that cannot be wrapped with a bow or bought at a store but can genuinely touch his heart and stir his spirit with much joy: a gift of affirmation.
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Photo: ClarionHotelPost/Pixabay
Yes. Why not give both- a physical gift as well as affirmation and praise.
Of course you can do both Amy, offering your dad or man a physical gift along with affirmation and praise. Personally, I often find physical gifts truly meaningful when paired with thoughtful gratitude and/or love. My emphasis on affirmation in this post was simply to highlight what I believe to be lacking in men’s lives, not to try and limit your options of how to express them.
Excellent point Amy and thank you for your comment!