TOM: One of the things that we often write about and the stories in The Good Men Project is these turning points, moments that made us men. It seems like not getting tenure at UMass was certainly a turning point. I’m wondering the impact of that event on your life and how you thought of yourself as a man, but also how that impacted how you thought about fatherhood.
DAD: My first tenure denial came at Cornell. I literally passed out when a friendly, young professor who had the task of coming over and in a unofficial way, just in the hallway, saying, “Well, the tenure process is moving forward, but it’s pretty clear you’re not going to make it.” I fainted because it seemed to threaten the livelihood of the family and my self-image and my self identity: this is who I’m going to be and I’m pretty good at this stuff, college teaching.
The tenure denial at UMass/Amherst was more unexpected and protracted. I struggled with that verdict for two years. But in retrospect it was a fortunate fall. It would not have been a good outcome if I’d gotten tenure at UMass. I’d have continued to teach to the best of my ability and do as much good stuff as I could around the edges on the campus. It’s a far less rewarding path than the one I actually followed by ending up in Washington working for AFSC for 20 years. That was much better suited to who I was, what my skills were, and what my energies and appetites were to try to make that position the best that I could I make it for all the people and the issues I really cared about.
But at the time, the denial was an echo of not getting tenure at Cornell. You kids were older and so the issues of livelihood and affording college were coming on. What does this mean financially for the family? How do I provide for my kids? That was right on top, but also that deeper sense of this thing I’d committed myself to, what I thought was going to be my life work and I thought I’d been pretty good at. But I’d now failed twice and what did that mean? All those issues just poured in and pounded.
TOM: How do you suppose emotionally you dealt with the failure and how to regroup?
DAD: I just did a hell of a lot of crying.
Jean was very important because she was supportive. She didn’t just turn away. She always said we’d make it. I began to do therapy and we had some marriage therapy, but I was doing some personal stuff as well. I was getting better at opening up my own feelings. The model of my father in parenting was one I had tried to break and do differently, but I was still a very self-contained guy and I got broken open by the trauma of that second tenure denial. With group and one-on-one work and with Jean, somehow opening up the full flow of the feelings was, I think, a very important part of navigating through that painful period and also getting better at a whole bunch of things, including how to relate to Jean.
It is a work in progress that continues to keep me learning, but there are some ways in which I think the compulsive-obsessive quality of my work as an academic was always my worry to be good enough. Anxiety rode me very hard. Having busted out the second time at UMass, having realized that I had to look for something different and I was not going to continue on to be an associate professor of English anywhere, I could also let some of those feelings loose.
Next: In the Name of Peace
Photo Credit: Anders Ljungberg
Hi, Tom-
I took a couple of courses with your dad at Cornell in spring and fall of 1970 (so he was not at U Mass then). He was a wonderful lecturer and one of the teachers I admired most at Cornell. He definitely influenced my views on race. He was also a tough grader, which did not help my GPA at all, but it was worth it. I was interested and pleased to hear of the direction his life took and that he is alive and well in beautiful Rockport, Maine.
Tom, It took me a couple year’s after my Father Passed away in September of 1999, to understand who he was but more importantly The man I thought I had to be… I think our Fathers, seem so Hero like as children in our eye’s! As we age and mature, They have exspectation’s and we tend to think or believe what they want for us, is Not in our plan’s. So we fighnt it every step along the way. Tom, My Dad many times through out my childhood made me feel WEAK and Unexcepted! Growing up My eye’s saw his… Read more »
What an interesting guy your dad is, Tom!.
One of the striking things that comes through this conversation is that despite your returning to the father/son theme over and over, in so many instances that you and your dad address the fathers were not present, or the men were not in family situations etc. Makes it clear how major a shift your generation is in the midst of, and how timely your focus is!
Thanks for showing open interest in your son’s cause, Jean Matlack, in your comment here and your own interview in May. Discovering his TGMP work is one of the best things that’s happened for me in the past few months. It does my heart good to see Tom honoring his father and mother while finding his own way!
Excellent interview, Tom. I am very glad that you were able to sit down and connect with your father like this. As much as we think we know our dads at times, there is always more to the story—small (or in your case, large) details that would have gone otherwise untold unless you spend quality talk time.
I enjoyed this. You both are good men.