Matt Vega’s relationship with his father soured after he turned eight, and began to realize he was gay.
This was previously published on “Let Children Play: The Freedom to Discover Greatness.”
I’ve never had a comfortable relationship with my father—nothing that extended beyond my toddler years, that is. Once I turned eight, started developing my own opinions, and began realizing that I was gay, things between us started getting weird. He would try to talk to me about girls and the so-called wonders of the human body, and I would clam up, since I had nothing to say. It didn’t help that my father also came from a very sexist home, where men were expected to lose their virginity at the age of twelve, and if you were even the tiniest bit feminine you got beat up.
That’s not to say that he was a terrible father. He tried his best with what limited parenting skills he had. What’s more impressive is that he had no father figure to look up to when he was growing up besides his somewhat abusive older brothers, and he still managed to never hit me (beyond the very rare and lackluster slap to the face).
I wonder how our relationship with each other would have been if I was straight, though. If I could have contributed to all of those conversations he had deemed fit for father and son. If I had loved baseball as much as he had.
I guess I’ll never know the answers to those questions, and to be quite honest, I don’t really want to. I like who I’ve become. Hopefully, he will too, someday.
Check out the Month of Dads on Let Children Play.
Read more Father’s Day stories on The Good Life.
—Photo credit: AgentAkit/Flickr
About Matt Vega
It’s how I feel every single day. It’s hard when you turn out to be the absolute opposite of his ideal, it’s a weird kind of quasi-guilt. Like you’re letting him down everyday, just a little. And just like you, I’m glad I turned out how I did. I can’t imagine being any other way.
To My Beautiful Son Matthew,
First and foremost, I love you and have always loved you. Nothing that you do would ever change how I feel about you. It saddens me to see that you feel the way that you do toward our relationship. When you were eight and you as you put it “started to develop your own opinions”, I did what I thought was right for you. Although you may have begun to realize that you were gay, I did not. So like any Latino father who may lack in fatherhood experience, I tried to guide you in the direction that I ‘ignorantly’ thought was the best course of life, if for nothing more than to protect you from what we both now know was torturous childhood in middle school and some of high school. I grew up in a fatherless home and so I what I know about fathering was self taught and experienced. I made mistakes and in hindsight I certainly would change those mistakes and make it better between us. Fathering is not easy and as humans we are fallible, prone to mistakes and emotions that can control our actions. I’ve learned a lot being a father and yes I do love baseball but I knew you wouldn’t like baseball when you were five and took your first swing in tee ball. Baseball however, is common ground to many relationships between father and son. We don’t have much in common but I have hope that one day we can find that common ground that allows us to appreciate each other’s company. I would love to talk with you know that we are more than just father and son but also friends. I truly sorry for my mistakes and perhaps you can one day look past those mistakes and start fresh. I love you son and always will.
Dad!