That new pair of socks might not be as innocent as it seems.
You’re a dad. And this Sunday you’ll be able to prove it by showing off the gifts you received for Father’s Day. Yet beware, friends, as each of these gifts will say something specific about you. Or, at very least, something specific about what your kids think about you.
1. Tie: This could say a couple of things. It might mean “Man, do your clothes ever suck. So much so that we, your children, have taken it upon ourselves to help you out a bit.” Or, it might be an implication of sorts. You know, like “Hey, Sloppy Joe. Why don’t you tie this around your neck and bug off to the office instead of planting your fat ass on that couch. Again.”
2. Hat: More often than not, this means your kids are growing a bit embarrassed by your appearance. “Hey, Baldy-locks, why don’t you give us a break from that epic combover you’ve got working and throw this bad boy on, hmmm?”
3. Socks: This also has a couple different potential meanings. It could be that your little ones have developed an aversion to those things growing off the end of your toes. “Yo, Pops, okay with you if you slip these on to cover those claws you’re rocking? It’s either that, or you’re gonna need to wing Mom on her next mani-pedi outing.” Or perhaps something even more sinister. “Dude. We’re done with the malodorous foot thing you’ve got going on. So we’re giving you these to cover the stench. Oh, and we also got you some tough actin’ Tinactin.”
4. Anything that proclaims you’re the world’s best dad: Plaque, mug, tee shirt? It doesn’t matter. Anything that claims you’re the best dad in the world means your kids have picked up on something, regardless of how cocksure you act around them. “No, seriously, dad. You’re doing a great job, see? Why else would we anoint you with such a moniker? No need to be all insecure. Because this shirt proves what a great dad you are. So wear it. Or get some therapy to help you with that confidence issue, you neurotic sissy.”
5. Boxers: This one’s pretty cut and dried. “Any chance of you putting the kibosh on the Saturday Morning Gripper Party you throw every single weekend? Since last year’s bathrobe didn’t do the trick, maybe you could wear these. They’ll look a lot better than those off-white banana hammocks you seem so smitten with.”
6. Anything golf related: You probably see this as a hall pass. An unspoken endorsement to your Saturday habit of spending five hours with the fellas looking in vain for the most recent ball you’ve duck-hooked into the woods. And it might well be. Or, it could also be: “We know you love to play golf. Which means you’re scarce around these parts come the weekend. And we’re good with that. Real good. In fact, here are some golf balls for you to lose. Hey, speaking of, don’t you have a tee time you gotta run off to?”
7. Koozie: It could be as simple as them wanting to give you the gift of cold beer. Or it might be that you’ve become a little too attached to the 12-ounce curls. “If you’re gonna drink a shit-ton of beer, we at least want you to keep it cold. After all, it’s the decent thing to do.”
8. Camera: What dad wouldn’t want a camera to capture all of the memories created by his delightful brood? The flip side, of course, is obvious. Every kid likes pictures of him or herself. So your camera might well be a hint: “Yo, big Daddy. Any chance of you paying a little more attention to us? Would it kill you to utter the words say cheese! every now and again?”
9. Hammock: Maybe they just want their hard working dad to relax in a comfy apparatus used by many a great man including Gilligan and his Skipper. Or maybe they smell a trend. “Here you go, Dad. We’re pretty sure you’ll like this one. After all, you seem to be a big fan of sitting on your ass for hours at a time. May as well get a little swinging action out of the deal.”
10. Any gift in the world: Regardless of what you get this year—whether it’s one of the gifts on this list, something totally off the beaten path, or just a simple card—you got it for one reason and one reason only. Your kids love you. And that in and of itself is the greatest gift of all. Despite whatever subliminal meanings the little buggers might be trying to pass along!