Tor Constantino shares the rarely spoken need in every man’s heart.
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I recently wrote an article about committed relationships that listed five things that women want from men but don’t tell them.
Ironically, I’ve received several emails and personal messages since then from people asking what it is that guys want out of committed relationships or a marriage.
That’s a good question.
Depending on whom you ask you’ll get a bunch of different responses.
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When it comes to what men want from a committed relationship, the tired old clichés instantly surface: sex; someone to cook and clean for them; someone they can control; a de facto mother figure; someone to share the rent and bills; companionship … etc.
However, there is one universal thing that every man in a committed relationship wants—whether he knows it or admits it.
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And if you extend those clichés a bit further, you run into the arena of thought that guys are simply incapable of a committed relationship to begin with.
You hear complaints that all the good ones are taken; men are emotionally unavailable; guys are immature; we’re unmotivated; we’re all a bunch of boys in 30-year old bodies; we can’t commit to a job let alone a relationship; or biology has made it impossible for us to bond exclusively with one mate—evolution forces men to play the field.
None of those clichés is entirely fair or true.
However, there is one universal thing that every man in a committed relationship wants—whether he knows it or admits it.
He wants to be the hero.
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Every culture and society has legends, myths, and stories about heroes. Societal norms and community pressures condition us from birth to adapt, adjust and overcome—we are shaped to be champions.
But somewhere along the path to heroic manhood we stumble, fall, lose sight of positive male role models, fail to achieve, are abandoned, abused, or don’t get the support from our fathers at a critical moment in our lives—which results in a lifelong wound to our hearts and souls.
It’s a wound that is most often inflicted by the man’s father or the father’s absence. The wound causes the son to never know if he has what it takes to “be a man”or if his father was ever proud of him.
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It’s an internal wound that nearly every man carries.
It’s a wound that is most often inflicted by the man’s father or the father’s absence.
The wound causes the son to never know if he has what it takes to “be a man” (whatever that might mean to the boy) or if his father was ever proud of him.
We grow up with that wound but don’t always grow into healthy men because of it.
The wound forces us to live in denial of our need to be a hero.
The need to be a hero gets buried beneath life, time, and distractions that occupy our days.
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Our buried need to be a hero explains some of the escapist distractions we rabidly pursue as men. You might balk at that assertion, but consider the following:
Millions of men spend thousands of hours and billions of dollars playing online video games—with the sole goal of competing and winning. The business models for the NFL, UFC, NHL, MLB, FIFA, NASCAR, Formula One Racing, and NBA—just to name a few—are primarily geared toward men so that we can vicariously experience surrogate victory.
In just a few weeks, more than 11 million people across this country will begin hunting big and small game—and of that number, 89 percent are male according to the latest national survey of wildlife recreation from the U.S. Census Bureau.
Millions of men will use shotguns, muzzle-loaders, crossbows, and bows with arrows to get meat for family and friends as well as a 10-point rack of antlers as a trophy—to remind them of their victory in the field.
Whether it’s video games, sports we watch, big game hunting, gambling, the car you drive, how much you make, your bowling average, your career success—men pursue these activities to feel like winners, to consciously or unconsciously remind ourselves that we’ve got what it takes to be a man…
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The legalized gambling industry is also primarily aimed at men.
Research finds that men start to gamble much earlier than women in life; many studies have found that men mainly gamble for the “… excitement, the sake of feeling a rush and for the action …” (Ladd & Petry, 2002; Walker, G. J. et al. 2005); and more than 90 percent of attendees to Gamblers Anonymous meetings are men—more proof of the nature-nurture calculus that drives us to risk and win.
Whether it’s video games, sports you watch, big game hunting, gambling, the car you drive, how much you make, your bowling average, your job title—men pursue these activities to feel like winners, to consciously or unconsciously remind ourselves that we’ve got what it takes to be a man and that we are men—toward the unrecognized goal of healing an unseen wound.
We all want to be the hero in our lives—and most importantly in our relationships, whether we realize it or not.
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Here’s how this heroic need might manifest itself in our committed relationships.
The Boudoir: – Without a doubt, every man wants to be the greatest lover his mate has ever had. Regardless of our physical attributes and abilities, we want to be the best when it comes to the bedroom.
The Treasury: – Guys want to be able to provide for their spouse and family. This is an ancient expectation that defines manhood and continues today. That’s not an assertion against a working mom, stay-at-home-dads, or dual-income families—not at all. It’s merely a pressure that society places on men to be a “bread winner” that is difficult to shake. Men need to know that we can provide for the needs of others as well as our own needs. Regardless of that fact, women should absolutely pursue their own professional endeavors, and we should all work toward equal pay for equal work.
The Battlement: – Men want to be able to protect the ones they love. It is an often unstated need that drives men to assume protective responsibility for those in their household and those that they love from a distance. It’s a mantle we willingly take up as we willingly lay down our lives in defense of our family if necessary.
While we might not consciously admit all of these things, make no mistake, each of us wants to be a hero in a least one of these areas.
I know that’s how I feel, and I know I’m not alone.
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BONUS: If you liked this article – check out these other pieces by Tor Constantino:
8 Words Dads Can Say Daily to Help Their Kids Succeed
The Best Piece of Man-to-Man Advice I Ever Got
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Question: What is the one thing you want out of your committed relationship?
I love this. He wants to feel like our hero. in order to fulfil this desire, women have to realize that having a hero doesn’t make you a helpess victim. Quite the opposite, He wants to be the hero, but hes never going to be a mind reader. Help him be the hero. A strong woman can help fulfil her partners need to be the hero by telling him what she needs. Asking him for what she wants. And praising him for his acts of heroism. As a woman however, it is incredibly humbling to learn this. As much as… Read more »
Anya– you stated that beautifully by saying “…women have to realize that having a hero doesn’t make you a helpless victim…” I think that is great insight that I didn’t specifically discuss in the actual article. Thanks for adding it here and elevating the discussion!
Such a beautifully and delicately written piece. Thank you! I feel like I ‘knew’ this, possibly from the mythologies and stories that I love, but I have often wondered how ‘true’ it still is for men – your article rings true for me and my experience with the men I know and have known. As a woman, I feel I must say that I, too, feel the Hero need, but I’m possibly not the generic Wo-man…ehh, whatevs. Wonderful article, and the comments just make my heart swell. So many good people out there; it’s so nice to be reminded. BTW,… Read more »
Julia – thanks so much for the kind words. To be honest, I don’t mind the negative comments – they’re actually driving people to read this today 🙂 Intelligent people can have different opinions. Regardless, I’m grateful for your encouraging words and the fact that you took the time to comment here!
Another great article Tor. Please keep writing. A couple years ago I read a book called Wild At Heart by John Eldridge that talks about men’s desire to feel like Heros. It’s a great book about understanding men better.
Thanks Erin – I actually linked to Eldridge’s book in the article when talk about the concept of the “wound.” I read it years ago as part of a men’s group at our church. His book resonated with me and with every man in that group. It was 8 weeks and not one guy out of the 50 who signed up missed a single meeting – that first tipped me off to the universality of this condition of men’s hearts.
I appreciated every word in the article. I was provoked to think about past relationships and why they had not worked and I’ve come to the conclusion it wasn’t entirely their fault. Now I’m married and I see why my husband is the way he is. Taking away all the political correctness of a males role in society my husband has been at home with our son to now primary (only) breadwinner, but through it all in the short period of time we’ve been together, since Oct 2012 he’s managed to become my hero. I’ve figured it comes from his… Read more »
Thank you Kamila for sharing your personal experience here and elevating the discussion. You make excellent points!
Joseph Campbell identified a recurring theme in our cultural mythology, that of the Hero’s Journey. This fits well with that theme, follow your bliss.
Thanks for the reference Matt and for adding to the discussion – I like that phrase, “follow your bliss.” Good advice!
Tor, not sure how you guys at GMP do it, but time and again you post an article that helps us understand in simple terms the ‘why’ in our lives when we’ve spent years not getting answers. This article specifically; I grew up with an absent father, bless him, who worked all the time. Sadly he passed away just after retiring and so I never knew if he was proud of me. He never said. I still don’t know. In his absence, mum brought me up in what she felt was the best way. ‘Could do better’ was a constant… Read more »
Dave, thank you for that incredibly poignant comment – if I never write another word, your words above prove the type of connection I was hoping for. I’m truly humbled yet so proud to hear you texted your stepson the way you did. He WILL treasure that text and look back to it when he needs encouragement – I know I would. I’m seriously considering framing your comment and placing it above my terminal when I write. Thank you again for sharing your story.
Actually, the thanks are all mine, Tor, and I’m sure lots of us blokes around the globe look forward to the articles as we strive to understand the past and become better men going forward.
As an update Superstepson has sent a text reply. “Cheers Dave”. No point in using too many words, son. Ha ha.
Keep up the good work. We good men value and appreciate how you challenge us to go into uncomfortable places so we can come out the other side better than we went in and by association I’m sure our ladies do too.
Regards, Dave
Will do Dave – all the best to you!
Dave, fantastic wording. Notes have been taken.
“Tell me I’m your Casanova, Superman, Einstein and make me believe it. I’ll massage your feet for hours and even do the ironing”.
The two things in your list speak to male disposability. I doubt that’s what most men want.
I don’t see what you mean about disposability.
Do you want to elaborate instead of just dropping a statement like that?
I found this article quite interesting. He poses an idea I’ve not thought of before, and makes it clear that he is not suggesting that he speaks for all men.
I would love to see comments from the guys on this one.
I appreciate the gracious words about this article River and the grace you extend in your comment. It’s difficult to fully articulate thoughts like these because they’re so personal – thanks for pushing back to help make some room.
You’re entitled to your opinion Amy – it would be good to get a more fully-developed explanation of that opinion here for the sake of clarity and understanding. Regardless, I appreciate you taking the time to read the article.