10 Signs I’m Disconnected From Myself

Jayson Gaddis knows when he’s disconnected. And knows what to do to connect back again. 

Prior to having any tools to get connected to myself, I didn’t even know I wasn’t connected to myself.

So, the first step was to recognize and be aware that I’m somehow disconnected. This took me quite a while to figure out. I would not have been able to see it on my own. I needed trusted guides, a men’s group, a powerful woman in my life, and rock solid support.

So, how do I know I’m disconnected now, and what are the signs?

Signs and symptoms I’m disconnected:

  1. Feeling a low grade funk (some folks call this grumpy)
  2. My porcupine quills extend. I’m less approachable and others can feel it
  3. Flatter affect. My face looks serious, dull, and emotionless.
  4. General depressed vibe
  5. Irritability, easily annoyed
  6. Easily triggered by minor things thus i get into silly fights with my partner and let small stuff bother me
  7. Objectifying women which eventually leads to porn use (before I quit porn)
  8. I eat more sugar. I get sugar cravings and eating when i’m not interested in eating
  9. Increased facebook or random email/internet cruising
  10. isolation

The way back into self-connection?


The way back home, to my core lovable, beautiful essence is to feel what I have not been feeling. This requires me being in my body where feelings and emotions live.

Prior to any inner work, I spent months and years feeling the above signs and symptoms and thought it was normal and like I just had to live this way.

Once I recognize these signs and symptoms (Some of these are so subtle it’s tricky to catch on quickly. Sometimes, it might take me a few hours or a few days), I know that I must make it a top priority to feel. I must dive into my heart-body and feel. Feel my hurt, rage and grief. The more I feel these friends of mine, the more I come back into my center, back into my heart, back into my soul’s body. And, once again I’ve come back home to myself and it feels soooooo good.

About Jayson Gaddis

Jayson Gaddis, host of The Smart Couple Podcast, is THE breakthrough marriage and relationship coach for smart, successful, people. He’s on the planet to help people learn and master intimacy and relationship. He’s a husband and part-time stay-at-home Dad getting schooled by his two cosmic kids. Jayson writes his own highly personal blog, and has also written for Integral Life, Digital Romance, The Jungle of Life, Primer Magazine, Recovering Yogi, & Elephant Journal. You can find him here: Jayson Gaddis or sign up for this month's free training If Your Man Unavailable or Shut Down. You can also become a fan on Facebook here: Jayson Gaddis Fan Page.


  1. Even though I’m a woman, I can relate to this article. This is a great piece.

  2. Im in my late fifties and for the past 20 months im disconnected from my body 24 a day and 7 days a week.When i look in the mirrior i see a stranger. Im very sad and wish and pray that i can die. I cant take my own life. I dont know how im doing it, but i drive myself to work finish at work and then drive myself home. Im very unhappy, i hate myself. I walk alot, but it feels like a stanger is walking instead of me. Im desperate and need help to overcome it. If anybody can help me please let me know.

    • It sounds like you’re really suffering. I sympathize. I experience dissociation and depression, too. Do you have access to mental health services? You deserve help and it could save your life.

    • I agree with Justin that you should definitely get the help you need from mental health services. We need to be able to say the term” mental health” in our society today instead of brandishing it like it is the plague. Over half of men are living with some sort of serious diagnoseable depression. And it isn’t one of those things where you need a “good swift kick in the pants”, as my father would tell you (who by the way suffers from depression but is in total denial). There is help out there; reach out and get it and don’t be ashamed or embarrassed of it.

  3. Excellent post!

  4. Why quit porn? I was born with a vagina and am a sex-positive feminist. If you like porn then watch it! I know a lot of sex workers and assuming they are being “exploited” is incredibly offensive to both them and people like me who are pro sex worker rights. I am bipolar and just turned 30…I have found that eating well (I’m a vegan), having a job I love, amazing frirnds who accept me for who I am and always make me laugh, and having a strong passion (writing, animal rights, filmmaking, porn) is what gets me out of that disconnect. I also use the internet like a fiend. But I mean find what works for you but i feel like you are denying yourself some pleasures that could actually help you. The key to being happy is to enjoy it!

  5. Hello me!!!!! I see all 10 of these in myself but having major trouble reconnecting at all. Feel like a scattered mess and don’t really know what or who “me” is anymore. Restarted therapy a few months ago . Dealing with same sex abuse. Way tougher than I thought. How to pull oneself out of zombie mode??

    • Hi Mark. One of the best ways I know to “reconnect” is through meditation – since you are already in therapy, you might ask your therapist about techniques. There are many out there, but the point of most all is to simply be with yourself and observe yourself quietly; we may not like all the things that come up in our minds and we may like some other things, but no matter what, just accept these things and let them go – this is reconnecting with self, being with what we perceive as the “good” and the “bad” of ourselves and not judging, just being with, accepting and letting things go where they will. After some time, I would bet you will feel less scattered; ask your therapist and give it a shot.

      Take care. Oh, and I like this post.

  6. Fantastic post Jayson.

  7. Is disconnected the same as depressed? Just wondering

    I know someone who could really, I mean really, use this article; but as you mentioned in point two, his ‘My porcupine quills extend. I’m less approachable and others can feel it’…so guess I’ll just have to wait for him to figure it out on his own for lack of something else to do…Thanks Jayson!

  8. This is one of those things that comes at the right time!
    After quite a busy period, where I became quite stressed, I experienced, this to a tee. I was (in a way) jolted out of it after a minor car crash (not my fault, mind and no one was hurt fortunately) but it made me realise how disconnected I was from everyone including me. I was going through the motions of each day without really stopping for anything, anyone, any feeling etc. I used to be one to smell the roses, but more recently this has not been the case. Recognising it, like you say and putting in place steps to come back within yourself is important.
    And it has to be healthier than a car crash!

  9. I call it “getting back to the present,” but same thing: it’s recovering from dissociation.
    Recommended reading: Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation (Boon/Steele/van der Hart) begins with exercises for noticing the sensory input from right now: sights, sounds, smells. It’s been tremendously helpful with everything else that has proceeded for me in therapy.

  10. Poignant!!

  11. Joanna Schroeder says:

    Oh man, is this good.

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