What if aliens came and observed our sexual behavior today? Would they think our acts are for procreation alone, or rather an act of love?
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Esther Perel in her TED talk opines that passionate, intimate sex and marriage may unwittingly be mutually exclusive because “How can you desire what you already have?”
In his book “Constructing the Sexual Crucible: An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy,” David Schnarch posits that sexual intercourse in North America has become akin to mutual masturbation, that the way we approach recreational sex is too goal oriented, too focused on orgasm; thus, for some couples intercourse has become more like a business transaction than a mindful, loving, connective, passionate, intimate experience.
In general, the intention behind sexual intercourse can either be procreational, wherein the goal is to produce a baby, or it can be non-procreational, wherein producing a baby is definitely not the goal. So what is the purpose of sex when people are expressly trying to avoid making a baby? And what is this ever-elusive thing called “passion” that we yearn for?
If aliens from another galaxy wanted to know how human beings procreate they would not have a problem. Procreative sex is primal, intuitive. However, if aliens typed “sex” into Google I think that they would be bemused by the sexual activities our species engages in when we are not procreating.
The first question the aliens might pose is, “Recreational sex seems to have become very athletic. Do some people consider it to be a form of calisthenics, a.k.a. ‘sexercise'”?
Next they might query, “Why are so many humans spritzing each other with bodily fluids? Is this an expression of love? Or are they like dogs urinating on trees to mark their territories?”
Then the aliens would probably be befuddled by the multifarious usage of rectums, which — if I am not mistaken — were primarily designed as one-way streets and now, according to the Internet, are being employed as Transatlantic thoroughfares.
Then I believe that they would find the employment of masturbation as a sleep-aid, a meditation, a warm-up act, or a “release” from the daily stresses, disappointments and traumas of highly competitive capitalism to be somewhat bizarre, imprudent, and alarming.
Lastly, I believe, they would ponder if there are any concrete relationships between sex, intimacy and love? And what are the ideal circumstances and conditions that create lasting passion?
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If you want to have a loving, connective, passionate, intimate sex, you may wish to consider:
1. That there is no definite, inherent relationship between sex, intimacy, and love and that any assumptions you make will probably end up ruining whatever connection you are trying to create
2. Being invested in having an open conversation about what your partner considers to be loving and pleasurable signs of affection
3. Forgetting everything you have ever learned about sex and particularly anything you have ever seen on the Internet
4. Being committed to showing up authentically
5. Creating the physical space so that you can be physically naked without distractions (such as nosy neighbors or police officers)
6. Creating the mental space so that you can be mentally naked and present (and release fears from the past and expectations about the imminent future)
7. Creating the emotional space to be emotionally naked (and vulnerable)
8. For non-atheists, creating the spiritual space to be spiritually open to connecting with and being intimate with a fellow human being (and having whatever is divine in you touch whatever is divine in them)
9. Disregarding any techniques or anything you ever learned from any other human body including your own
10. Having a sense of wonder and explore with unbiased curiosity. Or more precisely, be as present as humanly possible and do your utmost to attune to how your partner is breathing and moving and feeling at that very moment. If you catch your mind wandering forwards or backwards or sideways gently guide it back into focusing on the sensations on your hands, lips and other sensitive body parts.
Everyone has a lot of assumptions and expectations about sex and what should happen and who should be doing what… but for true intimacy to exist one must learn to fly without that net of assumptions and expectations.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Firstly, every bit of knowledge you have when it comes to pleasuring another human is valuable. We certainly can’t expect our families, our schools or our various religions to instruct us in any of this stuff, except from a very puritanical and archaic view that supports the warped sense of righteousness that they have. Learn from everything including the internet. There is no right and no wrong (including anal). Partners need to get rid of their hangups and instruct the other in what they would like to try in the receiving and giving departments. You never know until you try.
This was very good. I think porn can be fine for getting in the mood, or for people who have no human contact of their own, BUT it is ridiculous for examples of real loving sex. I warn any man i know that i don’t know any women that can or want to do the stuff they see in porn movies. The worst… spitting. UGH! I have hit children who spit. Why would i accept a man spitting on me. That’s a way to end any encounter with me. That, anal, and asking a girlfriend to join in is NOT… Read more »
It’s sad how few people are interested in taking this subject seriously.
“David Schnarch posits that sexual intercourse in North America has become akin to mutual masturbation, that the way we approach recreational sex is too goal oriented, too focused on orgasm; thus, for some couples intercourse has become more like a business transaction than a mindful, loving, connective, passionate, intimate experience.”
I couldn’t agree more.
What if aliens from another galaxy wanted to know how human beings procreate, and they actually typed “proceation” into Google?
I tried it in Swedish, and the first 12 items in the drop-down list regarded flowers…
Sounds like a lot of false dichotomies.
What I really liked about this article was that it didn’t automatically assume that the couple having sex is in a relationship. I liked that it was about being in the moment as opposed to focusing on orgasm, on what it all means.
I think it points to the fact that you create intimacy, intimacy isn’t necessarily just created because you are in a relationship.
To put you at ease, we have recreated the most common spawning locations of your species. You may choose either:
the back seat of a Camaro,
an airplane bathroom,
a friend’s wedding,
or the alley behind a porno theater.
INTERNETS. WON.
What unusually conservative-sounding aliens.