10 Things Straight People Say to Their Gay Friends That Make Me Want to Vomit

Chloë gently corrects her hetero friends on their top 10 hetero biffles, such as saying, “I love my gays!”

Boo, let me give it to you straight: There are definite no-nos for speaking to members of other sexualities.

This week, I reached out to my fellow homos and posed the question: How do your straight friends irritate you? What insensitive terms, insipid platitudes or arrogant assumptions really get your blood boiling with people you otherwise adore? Could we put a stop to stupidity by gently correcting our hetero biffles?

Let me enlighten you as to the things you do that are so ridiculous, we either cringe, vomit or subtly mock you.

1. “Men are so awful/confusing/difficult, I wish I was a lesbian. It would be so much easier.
”

Leading the pack at number one is a statement both ubiquitous and absurd.

In what universe are women simpler than men? I’m not trying to go all ya-ya sisterhood; I’m just asking. Do you honestly believe men are more complex than women? Than you? Would you date you?

No, of course you wouldn’t, because you’re a total psycho. Even if you’re not actually psychotic, I have yet to meet a girl who isn’t secretly convinced she is insane. Womanly intricacies aside, dating as a straight person is easier than dating as a gay person in any context. There are so many of you. Straight people breed like rabbits.

2. Using the possessive (“I love my gays”).

A member of the majority using the possessive about any member of a minority is always, ALWAYS a social faux pas. No matter how many sexy duct-tape-covering-mouth pictures you pose for, we are not owned or even indebted to you. It’s fabulous that you support gay rights, but not actively oppressing someone does not make you their owner; it makes you not a horrible person. Do you refer to African-American friends as “my blacks”? Yes? Please stop immediately.

3. “I’m just going out with my girlfriend.”

This isn’t offensive so much as confusing. Whenever a straight female begins gabbing about her “girlfriends,” I am reminded of the great chasm between the world they live in and the one I occupy.

When you refer to your friends as girlfriends, you confuse men and women alike on the nature of your relationship. Furthermore, it’s dated and downright unrefined to denote cisgender before every statement. Does it really matter if your friends are women or men? Don’t you think we’ll know that “Mary” might be female? Do yourself a favor and tailor your speech for the audience.

4. “Sexuality is a spectrum.”

Congratulations, you paid enough attention in psych 101 to regurgitate Kinsey. Welcome to the upper-middle class.

There’s nothing more grating than straight people lecturing gay people on the many special shades of our own rainbow. I am familiar with bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, and whatever other sexual you are just dyingggg to tell me about.

It’s a phenomenal step forward for human sophistication that all aspects of sexuality are receiving the recognition they deserve, but spare me the talking points. I’ve heard them, and I’m still gay: gay gay, as in solely attracted to women. You can sit anywhere on the spectrum you desire, but don’t put your shit on me. I’m very happy on my side of the fence, and fought incredibly hard to get here. Don’t you dare try to tell me what it means to be gay.

5. “You’re so pretty for a lesbian.”


Actually I’m pretty for any girl, ever. Thanks though!

Enough with the ugly lesbian stereotypes. Just enough. There are far more ugly straight people than ugly lesbians — probably because there are far more straight people than gay people.

“Ugly girls are gay, pretty girls are bi” is an irritating stereotype that rears its head regularly in my day-to-day life.

First of all, it ascribes straight standards of beauty to gay standards of beauty. They are not the same. I’m attracted to androgynous, athletic, cosmopolitan dykes who look like they could doddle me on their knee while detailing their last trip to Home Depot. These girls are in no way unattractive, and are, in fact, very desirable in the gay community while being totally undesirable in the straight community.

At the other side of that, there’s nothing I’m less attracted to than an overly coiffed blonde coated in frosted lipstick and adorned in only a pink bikini; yet, any trip to Hooters tells me this look has always and will always be in for those in the straight community.


6. “Oh, you’re a lesbian? Well, one time I got wasted and let my lesbian neighbor go down on me.”


Yo, I don’t want to hear about your boring straight sex or cliche girl-on-girl experience.

Sometimes I feel like straight people mishear, “I’m gay,” as, “I’m kinky, promiscuous, and down hear every drippin’ detail of your odious fuckery.” Perhaps you should all see some type of hearing specialist.

In all seriousness, I appreciate you’re trying to find common ground and truly, sincerely appreciate that consideration. You clearly have good intentions. However, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean all commonly acceptable standards of conversation and etiquette are out the window; I’m a lesbian, not Dr. Drew.

7. Drop “fag,” “dyke,” and “That’s so gay” like you’re one of us. 


Imagine this scenario: You see me, in all my diminutive glory, strolling up to a table of women. The women — all zaftig — turn to say hello, and I respond, “WASSUP FATTIES?” Not cool. Never cool. Same applies to fag, dyke, and “That’s so gay.”

I can say these. You cannot. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But that’s not fair,” I would like to remind you that life is not fair and if not being able to use a homophobic slur is the least fair element of your life, you’re leading an extraordinarily gentle life.

8. Straight Guys Joking About “Going Gay” For One Another.

Bromance has to be the least interesting pop culture phenomena since the pet rock. I don’t really hang out with straight men because we have nothing in common. I generally dislike their appearance/demeanor/personality — and when we get drunk, they inevitably feel obligated to remind me how if I wasn’t gay they “would just fuck the shit out of me.”

In the odd case that I am surrounded by guys, I’m horrified to witness the unending, double-entendre-ridden monologue that is straight dudes joking about being gay.

9. Creep On Lesbians.

What a wonderful thing it is to be gay. Gay men are physically harassed for public affection. Lesbians are sexually harassed and then physically harassed for public affection. Last week, not once, not twice, but three times did straight men verbally and physically harass me for kissing a girl. At a gay bar. They were there with their girlfriends, who really just needed to dance.

Please, if you see a lesbian couple with the audacity to behave like a human couple in public (hugs, hand holding, arm over shoulder) just leave them alone. We are trying to live our lives in peace. We don’t need your commentary, however “flattering” you think it to be.

10. My gay friend ________.

You mean your friend?

I’ve had this discussion with my mother approximately 17 times and she still refers to Carlos as her “gay friend Carlos.” She can’t be stopped as she is a very aggressive middle-aged Greek woman, but maybe you can. Take a moment to think about how fucked up it is that you define me as gay before anything else. How disturbing it is that “gay” is placed before my name?

I don’t care if you tell people I’m gay, but my name is Chloë, not “Gay Chloë.”

by Chloë

 

Originally appeared at xoJane

More from our partners at xoJane.com:

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Comments

  1. ” I don’t really hang out with straight men because we have nothing in common. I generally dislike their appearance/demeanor/personality.and when we get drunk, they inevitably feel obligated to remind me how if I wasn’t gay they “would just fuck the shit out of me.”

    That’s why I hate lesbians. Well because they are the population most likely to generalize us straight men as a bad and disgusting person.

  2. I strongly disagree with #7. “Like you’re one of us”? Seriously, you’re going to turn this into an us vs. them thing? Way to go to increase the divide there, author. I agree a word is never the same when spoken by the privileged majority but attitudes like this REALLY aren’t helping anyone. You seem really bitter towards straight people which isn’t helping anything either.

  3. Wow. You sound extremely bitter toward the straight community. Maybe you should practice some tolerance like you want others to.

  4. ‘I’m attracted to androgynous, athletic, cosmopolitan dykes who look like they could doddle me on their knee while detailing their last trip to Home Depot. These girls are in no way unattractive, and are, in fact, very desirable in the gay community while being totally undesirable in the straight community.’

    If you don’t want people to tell you what it means to be gay, please don’t ascribe a sweeping generalization to the standards of beauty for straight people either. These are your standards of beauty. Mine are more or less identical, and while I don’t consider myself a member of any particular ‘community’ when it comes to sexual orientation I am a completely straight man, and know many other straight men who value that same qualities in woman. Please don’t tell me what I desire.

  5. William Hancox says:

    Whilst I appreciate the concept, the execution of this article is rather arrogant and dismissive. Some points are fair, and reasonable. But others fall into the common trap of being as rude and dismissive as those who you are rallying against.

    Regarding number 4. Sexuality is a spectrum, and “straight” people, “bisexuals” and “asexuals” are allowed to discuss and have opinions on the entire range of concepts of sexuality as much as “gay” people. What is not needed is some pseudo-intellectual hockum being sprayed around with vitriol making the conversation civilisation desperately needs a taboo because you are “gay, as in solely attracted to women”. Not everyone is like that, not everyone is as well defined as you, so don’t think you know what it’s like sitting on another part of the fence.

    • Matthew Merkovich says:

      This blog post seems to be more of a rant-to-the-choir speech than a win-hearts-and-minds speech. I was left with the feeling that I would not enjoy the company of the author at a party. And by that I mean, the author sounds like a condescending asshole.

  6. Kile Ozier says:

    I’d like to throw onto the pile, “…so, are you a top or a bottom…?” People don’t ask who’s the “husband” and who’s the “wife” anymore; the question has evolved…

    Happy to share that information as it’s germane; it’s helpful to know that prior to hitting the sheets or proposing marriage. But, somehow, when you ask me that, I want to respond with, “…tell me, does your husband fuck you up the ass? Do you LOVE it?” or “Do you suck your husband’s cock? How’s your gag reflex?”

  7. I find it amusing how people have reacted to your harsh and direct style, yet they were more than willing to click on an article called “10 Things Straight People Say to Their Gay Friends That Make Me Want to VOMIT.”

    I think the title should have given them a pretty good idea of the tone.

    • I agree. At first I was ready to criticize for whining, but then it occurred to me that most likely she’s just being “overly” honest for comic effect. In other words, some of these things occur to her, and some bother her a little, but mostly she probably understands that the “offenders” are well-meaning but awkward.

  8. Oh, the straight tears flooding the comments! Hahaha!

    So minorities can’t talk about what THEY feel offends or annoys them/their sexuality? I’m pansexual and I must say I agree with every single topic. I found them to be true and super funny. It does bother me, most of the times, and it does happen quite often. Not in a “i hate you” kind of way, after all, minorities are used to tolerate all sorts of things people do and say unconsciously, but please… do tell us to be “nicer” and to respect everybody’s feelings while we’re just giving you humorous tips on how to treat us like every other human being on the planet. Much appreciated!

    Wow. Anyway, congrats Chloë! Loved it. I’ll share it with my friends and laugh a bit more, it made me smile that I’m not alone in rolling my eyes every now and then :)

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      I loved it too, and so did our entire editorial staff!

      The people in the comments have a LOOOONNNGG road ahead of them, but they’re the ones who’ll be left in the dust ;)

      • Hardly. I think most of the actual 10 things were germane, and generally I like articles of this type (i.e. “how not to be a jerk to your (insert minority here) friend”). This one just wasn’t good. It crossed the sometimes line between funny/poking fun and just being plain bitter and hateful.

  9. “Does it really matter if your friends are women or men? Don’t you think we’ll know that “Mary” might be female? Do yourself a favor and tailor your speech for the audience.”

    This is just superfluous….

  10. “When you refer to your friends as girlfriends, you confuse men and women alike on the nature of your relationship.”

    Why is the use of the word “girlfriend” confusing? I have never heard any of the gay women I know refer to their significant others as “girlfriends”. It’s almost always “my partner”.

    “Furthermore, it’s dated and downright unrefined to denote cisgender before every statement. Does it really matter if your friends are women or men?”

    Agreed.

    • JJ Vincent says:

      Kevin, I hear girlfriend all the time from lesbians…it usually doesn’t transfer to partner until there is a level of permanence or commitment of some sort beyond dating. It’s actually still a little jarring…I have to turn my brain to “Oh yeah, that’s how straight women refer to their friends”.

      What I don’t hear is guys saying that they are going to a game with their boyfriends or that they are going to New York to visit their best boyfriend, unless they are indeed gay.

  11. Rudely written article; would not read again.

    FYI women calling their female friends “girlfriends” predates your birth by years and years. Get over it.

  12. LuAnn Fox says:

    Yes. Yes, and thank you. Sharp, beautiful, accurate. And the writing’s not bad either. Thanks a thousand times for making manifest what is so pervasively, culturally, there. And offering solutions. Your brand of gentle, sensible, balanced criticism rocks. Send it over here.

  13. What is the purpose of this article? Is it to just blow off some steam? or did the author actually want to stop these behaviors that piss of the gay community members? As a “straight community” member I can understand many of the reasons why these behaviors make you angry, but the tone of the article is too hostile. The tittle of the article is “10 Things Straight People Say to Their Gay Friends That Make Me Want to Vomit” its their FRIENDS right? not their enemies. This article takes the stance of us vs. them.
    As human beings I think gay or straight, male or female, some respect should be shown to each other. This article lacks that, there is not only no respect for straight friends of gay community members, it goes to degrade straight men outright. The message might be right, but by insulting people you are not going to get anywhere.

  14. paul evans says:

    Most of my friends, who happen to be gay, are not nearly this sensitive. But then again, neither are my fat friends, old friends, black friends, less-than-gorgeous friends and Muslim friends. The very generalization you demonize in your blog, you are guilty of yourself. In your opening statement you admit that gay people subtly mock insensitive straight people. You mean like looking both ways and behind you before telling an ethnic joke? Sorry, I’m old. I’m insensitive about most things and to everybody. It does not mean I hate, in fact I like most people regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. Lighten up … have a glass of wine. Don’t be so angry. Merry Christmas.

    • klbirkenstock says:

      Aww! You’re cute. You know what’s really HOSTILE though? The Stonewall killings, or the Death of Matthew Shepard or any number of indignities which gay people experience every day. You get to walk around not being threatened with rape because people think they can ‘turn you’ gay, except I got raped because a dude thought he could turn me straight (I just hadn’t had a good hard f*** yet, right?). You want to see hostility – try that on for size, this is just some playful venting about silly things straight people say – but lets be clear you’re butthurt because it was a bit mean? I don’t hate straight people or men for that matter, I have a male partner even, but I do hate when teh straights tell me I’m too angry about the general attitude I and my girlfriend get when we’re out together because people feel like our relationship is some kind of public spectacle which they were invited to participate in. I don’t walk up to your girlfriend and invite myself to have sex with her, why can random dudes do that to me? Why is that something I shouldn’t be annoyed about, but straight dudes get to punch the guy for?

  15. Uzi Peretz says:

    There are some very valid points however the tone of the article undermines them. Instead of helping people understand it serves to push those willing to read it further away from change. As you can see from the comments, most people are challenging your accusations and anger.

    I hope you (and the people who contributed) have an open dialogue with the people in your lives that annoy you so much; instead of throwing it up (get it :)) on the internet for all to see. I’d be disappointed if I found out from facebook that my friend is secretly pissed off about something I said.

    You’re not going to change those that don’t want to change but there are people out there who can benefit from your wisdom and experiences. However, no one likes to be talked at or down to as you seem to be doing here.

    Please consider the type of reaction you’d have if an article was posted with the same tone except it was called The Top 10 things Gay People Say to Their Straight Friends That Make Them Vomit.

    Respectfully

    UP

  16. Fuck yes. A woman kissing another woman regardless of age, race or body type is just as beautiful as any man or any split gender couple doing the same anywhere, any time. Cheers to that couple. I support love, period from the USA.

  17. I am in total agreement with every point EXCEPT #7. Am I to assume that since I am overweight it is ok to walk up to a table of rotund women and say “whatup fatties?”. It’s offensive, whether I share that trait with them or not and if I were to do so, I am telling everyone around me that this is the language fine acceptable. Next we’ll be telling mentally challenged people that it’s ok to yell to the “retards” across the mall parking lot since they are, too. It’s not ok.

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