What are some things that women UNKNOWINGLY do that drive men away? Let’s explore.
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I spent many years blaming men for my dating/relationship issues. And then I had an epiphany—the only common denominator in every relationship was ME. Once I looked inward to see what I was bringing to the table, I began attracting and creating the best relationships.
Here’s my story…
My first son, Avi, was born with multiple birth defects caused by a rare genetic disease. My husband became furious with God. How could this happen to us? His anger and shock caused him to become emotionally shut down.
While he was busy asking why, I got into action. His shutting down brought out the warrior mom in me. I spent hours in the medical library (no internet in those days), researching Avi’s disease so I could educate his doctors about the best course of treatment.
At first I was okay without my husband’s support. When you’re doing triage for a sick child, there’s no time to process what’s happening internally.
As the years passed, I felt more and more alone in my marriage, and I began to lose respect for my husband.
We were caught in a vicious cycle; the more I took over, the less he did. And the less supportive he was, the angrier and more resentful I became.
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We were caught in a vicious cycle; the more I took over, the less he did. And the less supportive he was, the angrier and more resentful I became.
During those tough years, I’m sure I unknowingly said and did many things that pushed him away. My marriage could not have been saved, but I now understand and take responsibility for how I’ve pushed him and many other men away in the past.
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Ladies, have you ever wondered what drove men away?
My hope is that with the following list, you’ll become more aware of the things you may have said or done pushed men away. If we could all see through the lens of our partners, we’d be more aware of how our actions and words affect one another. With that awareness and some changes in our behavior, our relationships would be so much healthier, happier. and would last much longer.
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10 Things Women Do that Drive Men Away
1. You talk down to him. If you’re not happy with something your man said or did, talk to him about it—kindly, clearly, respectfully. Like an adult. Don’t reprimand him like he’s a small child.
2. You don’t ask for help. This is a biggie. Ladies, it’s a strength to ask for help, not a weakness. Men can’t read your mind, so please be direct and ask him for help when you need it.
3. You don’t trust him to take care of himself. Don’t be a martyr and take care of everything for your man, and then get mad at him for not taking care of himself. Trust that he’ll take care of himself, in his own way, on his timeline.
4. You ask for his advice, and then insist on doing it your way. If you want a man’s advice, respect what he has to say. You don’t have to do everything he suggests, but if you disregard his opinion, that will drive him away.
5. You nag him. Nagging doesn’t motivate a man (or anyone) to do what you want. It’s annoying. It turns a guy off. Instead, make a clear request. Tell him what you want. Tell him why you want it. Tell him when you want it.
6. You treat him like he has no feelings. Of course men have feelings. Some express them better than others. When you treat a man like a feeling-less Neanderthal, that’s emasculating. Acknowledge his feelings. Be patient with how he expresses them, especially if it’s different from how you emote.
7. You compare him to your ex. He is not your ex. He is not the person who hurt you, cheated on you, or left you. Give him a chance to be seen and loved for who he is.
8. You offer unsolicited advice. If he doesn’t ask for your opinion, don’t give it to him. If he wants your advice, he’ll ask. Really.
9. You criticize him. We all screw up from time to time. It’s only human. If you’re unhappy with something he says or does, it’s okay to tell him. But, be careful with how you word it.
Set him up to win, and he’ll be more responsive and open to hearing what you have to say.
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Don’t label him (“You’re so stupid!”). Don’t bring in the past (“You always do this!” “You never remember!”). Set him up to win, and he’ll be more responsive and open to hearing what you have to say. (“I want to talk with you about this, because I’m feeling distant and want to get closer to you.”)
10. You refuse to give him ‘man cave’ time. When he needs time alone or with his friends to recharge, give it to him. I think everyone does better with some ‘me’ time away from their partner. Respect his need for ‘man cave’ time, however that looks to him, and he’ll come back refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to love you more.
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Ladies, how have you unknowingly pushed men away in the past? Men, how have you ever felt pushed away by the women in your life? Please let us know in the comments below.
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Photo: Flickr/David Goehring
OH AND I CAN FIND BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME THEN CATER TO AN INSECURE MAN’S NEEDS AND REASSURANCE HE IS A MAN. HE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW HE IS A MAN. MAYBE A WOMAN WHO IS YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER HAS THE ENERGY TO DO IT
Sandra… You sound angry. If you feel that “some men are not worth all of the effort”, well, you’ll just end up attracting men who think the same about women (you). Is that the kind of man you want, a man who doesn’t think you’re worth the effort? Because honestly, that’s how I feel having to write out this comment. I feel that you’ll be so angry that my words will fall on deaf ears, and why should I waste my time helping you if you aren’t going to care to hear it? “I CAN FIND BETTER THINGS TO DO… Read more »
WHO CARES, SOME MEN ARE NOT WORTH ALL THE EFFORT FOR ALL THAT SHIT
Angela, I appreciate your point of view. This article was not meant to blame women for all relationship issues. It is not meant to keep women passive or make them “perfect” in relationships. My intention was to bring awareness to the things we unknowingly do that can piss men off. People have the potential to do better if they know better. I would love for all people to take responsibility for their share in relationship issues. This article will be followed up with one for men about how they unknowingly drive women away. I never ever mean to shame men… Read more »
Dear Ms. Weiner: I agreed with you about the lack of effective communications skills. Police officers are supposed to have effective communications skills; however, from all the videos that we have seen for the last 10 years, they never had them in the first place when they join the police force. In addition, their police academy and their field training officers did not help them with their skills. Finally, in the last 35 years, politicians and business leaders along with the conservative, corporate controlled media have resorted to not using effective communications at all and are using derogatory, vile language… Read more »
I appreciate this article in the sense that it creates dialogue and critical thinking, however feel like it fails to identify the reciprocal nature or context of relationship dynamics. So many of the things written in your list are so stereo-typical. Man wants alone time and over bearing wife won’t give it to him. This a very short sighted point of view. There are lot of circumstances that create these dynamics and to imply that women are pushing men away by “not being perfect” or “being too outspoken” or “passive”. All undertones throughout your article, is insulting as a woman.… Read more »
These same women also kicked me in the butt when I also stand up to them as well and then walk out the door and complain about my behavior when it was they who was acting so unprofessional.
I have experience situations in my workplace where I didn’t ask for a women’s opinion, but they gave me their unsolicited advice. Sometimes I feel that they think that I am their child or husband who needs to be a docile person, and to be kicked in the butt if I don’t listen to them.
Unsolicited advice isn’t always bad. I weigh it on its’ merits. I consider who it came from. My mom telling me I shouldn’t use so much salt I’d just let go. A coworker telling me I should wear certain clothes because it’s slimming would get my ire. A user telling me how to do my job will normally get an explanation as to what was wrong, why I did what I did to fix it, and why what they suggested wasn’t going to work. On some occasions, they’re spot on and that’s why I don’t discount what they say out… Read more »
Thanks for your thoughts on unsolicited advice.
I can see how in some cases, it’s easier to hear than others.
“In the context of a relationship it depends on how often advice is offered, whether it’s big things or trivial stuff, the spirit in which it is given (is she concerned about my health), her field of expertise, etc. ”
In a relationship, a person has a choice as to how they offer advice. I suggest that people do it kindly, and ask permission before laying on your critique. It’s much easier to hear when it doesn’t feel imposed.
“and ask permission before laying on your critique”
I don’t mean to imply that this isn’t the best choice of a bunch of bad ones. I think it works better in theory than in practice. Many people especially those we’re closest to may not feel that they can say no I want you to keep it to yourself and if they did, you would med to be prepared to accept it without any hard feelings. I suspect asking permission is more to assuage our trepidation than theirs.
Interesting article. It makes me wonder if conflict is what you want to avoid. Most of these are common sense, but some are outside my box. If I don’t ask for a man’s opinion, am I then supposed to listen to his unsolicited advice? Especially on topics in which I have more knowledge? My husband felt the same way you do, yet he did not give me ANY of what he wanted. So, am I to be the docile, doting wife, or kick his ass to the curb? This is a rhetorical question since he is deceased, but it makes… Read more »
Michelle, I appreciate your question, and I’d like to clarify. None of what I said is meant to dumb down a woman. It’s meant to make women aware of the things they may be saying or doing that turn the men they like away. This is all about awareness of the opposite perspective. When it comes to a man giving his unsolicited advice, I’m not asking you to sit there smiling and saying nothing. I’d suggest that you thank him respectfully, and tell him what you need from him. If you’re with someone you respect (which I’d hope you’d be… Read more »
One more thing about women acting like men:’ Some of our women politicians are against family and work issues like sexual harassment, raising the minimum wage, family sick leave, affordable health care, affordable/free higher education, helping to send job overseas, and voting for stronger consumer and worker rights. One female senator (can’t recall her name) stated that American people are not entitled to a job and another female politician (can’t recall her name either) stated that Americans should go back to the barter system when it comes to getting medical care. It gives new meaning to the phrase “The world… Read more »
I meant to say women rank and file workers acting like they are the boss.
Women are acting more men in the workplace in several ways: 1) trying to prove that they are the biggest badest boss 2) hire people who don’t have the necessary qualifications and/or work experience. 3) spend more time trying to climb the promotion ladder while leaving dead bodies in their race to the top. 4) take all forms of retaliation against whistle blowers or people who file union complaints against them. 5) Think that they know everything about the technical aspects of their jobs or think that their leadership skills are excellent when they are not. All they know is… Read more »
Then why don’t you go fuck a guy where you feel more at home
Communication is huge. I broke up with someone over 2 dozen tamales. It wasn’t the tamales, but what they represented. I’ve been dating this woman for months. We started getting close and I really listened (at least I tried) to her. I liked her and thought about going to the next level. It was nearing my birthday so she asked me what I would like for a present. I guess she was pretty sure it would be sex related. I asked her to make a couple dozen tamales. I knew she hated to make the tamales. I knew it was… Read more »
John, I understand why you’d want to break up with someone who didn’t value you, but from what you shared, the tamales were a test. If you do ___________ then you love me. How would you respond to a girlfriend testing you? Sounds like you had a good thing going. I love that you listened to her. That’s big. But if you place such importance on good communication, which I agree is key in a relationship, why would you test her and then break up when she didn’t cook the thing she hated making? If you’d like to learn from… Read more »
True when a woman tests me I don’t find that helpful and it was on some level a test. It was also an honest answer and was what I wanted at that moment. I remember a conversation I had on another thread. I mentioned how it irritated me when women would order the most expensive items on a menu on the first date. On some level maybe that’s a test for me. It’s irritated me, but I’ve never said sorry I don’t want to spend that much or can you pick something else or OK, but let’s split the check.… Read more »
John, I appreciate your honest response to my question. It is difficult to be vulnerable and risk rejection, but the bigger risk is to not have love because of fear of rejection. In terms of first dates and women ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, you could be honest with her about what you’re comfortable spending, but that is an awkward conversation that could lead to false assumptions about your relationship with money. Why not take a woman for drinks instead? You’ll avoid the awkward conversation altogether. After all, isn’t a first date just for meeting and deciding… Read more »
Sounds like you need to look for a better job
I totally agree with John. It is not the tamales, it is what they represented to him. If the “tamales” were “too much work, she should have SAI! She was not invested in the relationship to the degree that he was. Walking away before becoming even more investing was a move of self preservation. Why spend five years with a person who doesn’t feel you are worth their time?
That is my kind of reason to leave a toxic relationship.
Well said, Jules.
It’s easiest to talk through one’s own experiences to understand the commonality through gender, but Sandy – you’ve done it the hard way – to understand the other side first (and that shows up with subtlety in #4). I like many others, have started the process of self-manifested growth as we try to understand ourselves first. I understand this list intimately, because like most men like myself – there is something that magnetically resonates with the direction our soul’s compass points. I personally am at the stage where I know myself reasonably well, and I would strongly encourage you to… Read more »
MJP, thank you for sharing your reflections on how these 10 played out in your relationship.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing inner work and growing. That’s so important. When we know better, we love better.
And thanks for encouraging me to write this list for men. That was my plan. Check back next Friday for my top 10 for men. What do you think should be on the list?
“……..but I now understand and take responsibility for how I’ve pushed him and many other men away in the past.” Praise God!! Finally, a woman has decided to step up and, 1) admit she has done harm to a man 2) take full responsibility for her actions. A very rare occurrence, indeed. This is a wonderful piece. “I spent many years blaming men for my dating/relationship issues. And then I had an epiphany—the only common denominator in every relationship was ME. Once I looked inward to see what I was bringing to the table, I began attracting and creating the… Read more »
Thank you for your kind words, Jules. It’s interesting that you said this article will probably be ignored by women who need to read it. I usually get more comments from women, and I’ve only been hearing from men this time. I was hoping that women would read this. It’s not easy to swallow your pride and own your part in a relationship that failed. My goal as a dating coach is to help us all be kinder, more open, and take responsibility for our share. When you say women are becoming more like men, can you share what you… Read more »
Dear Ms. Weiner: The women at my workplace are acting more like men by: 1) hiring people who do not have the necessary qualifications and work experience. 2) tried to prove they are the biggest, baddest boss around. 3) do not invest in their workers let alone listen to them. 4) playing cut throat office politics in order to get that coveted assignment or promotion. 5) Only care about themselves and will leave dead bodies behind in the race to the top of the promotion ladder. 6) like men, they like the pay and perks of the high-ranking jobs, but… Read more »
Wow, sounds like a horrible place to work. These women bosses you speak of seem like power-hungry dictators. That’s too bad. And it doesn’t represent all women in power.
This is not my area of expertise, but I have to think that the structure of your company is inherently lousy. This is one of the reasons I love working for myself. I don’t have to answer to bureaucratic norms that make no sense and disempower you.
Good luck to you!
The women I have met have also been acting like men when it comes to increasing using foul language as well on a daily basis. It is not just the women bosses alone that are power hungry dictators. You have ordinary rank and file workers acting like if they are the boss as well. You said that it doesn’t represent all women in power; however, you had asks how are women becoming more like men and this is what I have seen from my own observation.
G,
Foul language is rampant in our world today. Thanks for bringing awareness to this issue. It might feel good to use those words when you’re angry or trying to be funny or cool, but the truth is, we have a gorgeous dictionary of words that are so much more dignified.
Thanks for sharing your observations.
Agreed, but look what happens when we call out such women who are aggressive, unpleasant bullies. It results in things like #banbossy
you sound like a pussy
@ Sandy Weiner,
See my reply to Silke below..
Hi Jules
Like Sandy ,I also wonder what you mean when you say women are becoming more like men?
In another comment you said women are no longer feminin.
What do you mean Jules?
@ Silke, Hello Silke! When I compare America to say other Western nations, we see a nation of pretty stark contrasts with respect to gender. While there has been a lot of progress in many areas, America still lacks gender equality in mind and spirit. Sure, women have excellent equality of opportunity. But, attitudes of both genders remain largely steeped in the past. What the above has created is a male dominate mindset. So, women feel that in many ways they must emulate how we men do things. Why? Because, that which is female and feminine is perceived as weak… Read more »
Don’t call his personal space a cave.
I know this is written with the best of intentions, but there does seem to be a oxymoron here. “When you treat a man like a feeling-less Neanderthal, that’s emasculating.” And then calling our personal time “Man Cave time”. I understand that it is simply verbiage, but as a man we often get mixed signals. Personally, I would rather read, ponder life’s mysteries, or watch the clouds , all from atop a light filled observatory rather than a hole in the ground. 🙂
J Speth,
Thanks for realizing that I wrote this with good intention. I didn’t even catch the Neanderthal/Man cave contradiction. Good catch.
As you guessed, I want women to honor a man’s need for personal space, be it atop a tall building, in a room of his own, or with his friends. Women need it, too. I’ll stay away from cave and stone-age references in the future. Eating humble pie 🙂
I actually like my own personal space and get really irritated when a man acts like a vampire sucking the life out of me and not giving me any space, constantly demanding attention. he needs a mommy more than a woman or girlfriend
This article should be mandatory reading for people who want to have kids as well.
G, you made my day. Thank you!
Those 10 things could be applied to parents regarding their relationships with their kids. In addition, those 10 things can be apply to bosses in regards to their employees. Of course, some things that Frank S stated could be applied to both the parents and the bosses.
This article really hits home and should be mandatory reading for people who want to get married or want to become a manager/CEO.
Fantastic stuff. The problem is, there are other elements telling women to do the complete opposite (Jezebel, Cosmo etc) – use him as a verbal punching bag (because he needs to be kept in line), mock and belittle his need for his man cave (you are supposed to be his whole life) and drag him shopping with you until he learns to enjoy it, don’t let him see his friends (he can’t be trusted), nag him (because it’s the only way he’ll do anything), when he shows his emotions shame him and tell him he’s not a Real Man.
Thank you FrankS. Yes, there are many articles out there that give advice that I consider harmful to the future of our relationships. It confuses people to read conflicting articles. I hope people write and read more articles that support emotionally healthy relationships steeped in a foundation of respect and open communication.
@ FrankS
That’s like PUA. It works because a “relationship” is not the goal. They teach women how to get stuff (whatever the definition of stuff is labor, etc.) from a man.
Ten for ten! Perfect list – perfectly said.
Thank you, Sandy.
P.S. When a man who has the same perspective meets a woman like this…kaboom. Magic.
Thank you, Steve!
And you’re so right about the magic that happens when two people meet who are compassionate, open to understanding and communicating with one another, loving, and kind. Let’s spread that kind of love in the world!