6. You are not a victim.
You have control over your life. People stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics—including me when I was—are stuck in denial, and rationalization. Call yourself on your excuses. Stop believing them. Disengage from a need to be pitied. Are you telling yourself or others stories about being taken advantage of trying to generate sympathy? Stop. Victimhood is not attractive to healthy people. Not only that, you are not a victim. You are in control. Take it.
Those who keep you guessing about how they feel about you do not feed your soul, they deplete it.
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7. Live with purpose.
Spend quiet time alone each day, without interruption. Think about what you need in life to feel better, or do better. What is missing for you? You don’t have to officially meditate, unless you want to, but be still and quiet. Go inward without distraction. You can be a person who makes things happen, or a person to whom things happen. Which do you want?
Living with purpose is about doing the tough things, and then reaping the rewards. When you sit with your feelings instead of eating them, or watching mindless TV, or drinking five beers, you can get past them, understand them, and process them. When you go to the gym to re-energize, relieve anxiety, and get strong, you give yourself an immeasurable gift. When you eat healthy to fuel your body you can be present in mind, body, and spirit for your family, friends, partner, and yourself.
It is also important, when you’re in a relationship, to maintain this practice, as tempting as it may be to spend all your time with your new love. We all need me time. You’ll find you have more to give to your partner, when you also give to yourself.
True love helps you with life, it’s not what makes life more difficult.
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8. True love does not hurt.
Loving relationships are consistent. There will always be times of inadvertent hurt or disappointment, even with those who truly love you. That’s life; no one can meet your every need. A comment may be taken the wrong way, your partner may be struggling with something—there are a myriad of reasons for a minor hiccup. It’s not always smooth, but if you work at it, it works. True love helps you with life, it’s not what makes life more difficult. Love is support in a difficult world. Everything in life is not an argument or a challenge. Emotionally healthy people don’t live that way.
One plus one equals two, not one.
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9. True love loves us as we are, and wants us as we are.
If someone asks you to give up interests, hobbies, friends, a job, or anything that makes you who you are, that’s not true love. And, it’s not healthy. To nest in a new relationship is normal, but after a time, you settle in, and get back to your routine. Life is about balance. Because life is busy, you may adjust how much time you give your interests and loved ones, but it’s important to maintain the fullness of who you are, just as your partner does the same. One plus one equals two, not one.
10. Finally, true love is an action from you and to you. Act it and insist on it. Every day, whether in a relationship or not, assert that love is what you do, not what you say. And, require it. For non-love relationships, such as those with friends, co-workers, even acquaintances, respect is the action from you, and the action to you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. In all your relationships.
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Real, true love is work, and when you understand that, you will be less likely to go in and out of relationships in which you will experience anything but love. Use your time out of a relationship wisely. Build what you need to be in a healthy relationship. And then, go out and make it. And it will be real, and true, and wonderful.
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What a well written and informative article Thank You
Hi Jenny. I have changed by boyfriend’s behavior with his bff who is a girl. The thing was that, he used to give more importance to her and used to care about her, which was absolutely not acceptable for me. Have I did the right thing ?
Some very sound advice, Jenny! Sharing this with someone who could use this right now.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV) 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. How about that!… Read more »
Thank you Jules, we don’t always see eye-to-eye . . . ;). I appreciate your comment and especially the referenece. It’s pretty simple stuff, isn’t it? Kind of like what I tell my kids about The Golden Rule, and kindness begets kindness and so many other basics. Most people want to be appreciated, treated with respect, and loved. And when you put that out, you get it back.
Thanks again for the kind comment.
Jenny