Have you forgotten how to play? Steven Lake reminds us how important it is to have FUN in our relationship.
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Kids are great at play. They know how to have fun by being spontaneous, silly, and creating whole worlds out of nothing but desire. They can make a game out of anything and delight in all things magical. They intuitively know who is playful and engage with willful abandon when opportunity presents itself. They can set aside their seriousness instantly – can you?
Yes, we have a lot to re-learn from children. You were a child once upon a time and play is bred into your genes. So don’t tell me you don’t know how to play, because you do. Sure you might be rusty and not in the mood. But if we wait until you are in the mood, it may never happen.
It is possible to start playing now if you stopped, or play more if you slowed down. If you want to have more fun in your relationship, then make play an essential part of your life.
Let us look to our children to see how many elements of play you incorporate in your relationship? Here are a list of ten aspects of play I have noticed will make for more fun in your relationship.
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1) Play
Let’s start with the most obvious one – play. Is your life all work and no play? Are you stressed out with all your obligations, responsibilities, timelines, and to do lists? Are you constantly rushing and “have no time?” If this is you, it is time to get a grip and start prioritizing what is important in life. A big hint that this is happening is when your partner, or your kids, look you in the eye and say, “When can we play?”
Kids live to play, at least if you let them. Not only is play fun but it is a way of learning. Many species use play in their developmental process and we are no different. Over time, as we take on adult responsibilities, it is easy to diminish the value of play. Many of us have heard the admonishments of “when are you going to grow up,” “it’s time to get serious,” “you have responsibilities to take care of,” and these shame-inducing-sayings drive us away from play.
Do you play with your partner? We tend to be more playful earlier in the relationship and then play diminishes over time. If you have children, there will be a spike in play, at least between you and the kids, but is play happening between you and your partner?
Play is not only an activity, but a state of mind. When you watch children (and if you don’t, I highly encourage it), they are enthusiastic in their play. Their energy is high voltage and life streams from every body part. Their arms wave, their legs pump up and down, they pull faces and their eyes sparkle like stars. Their voices are loud . . . or soft depending on the mood of the game. They can be quiet when playing hide and seek. When was the last time you played hide-and-seek with your partner?
Uninhibited is another quality children possess. If you want to play with your partner you will have to try and forget or put aside all your adult conditioning on how to present yourself like an adult.
When in a moment of play, kids are unaware of everything except the moment and the purpose of the moment, which is to have FUN.
2) Gamify
In a relationship, a great way to use this concept is with chores or any task that is unpleasant at least for one of the partners. A simple way of using this concept is to make a game out of the task. We could do the dishes together and pretend to be characters from a movie. Or make it into a sportscast, “and now Betty falls back with the bowl and tosses it to Harry who dives for the touchdown – it is safely in the dishwasher. The crowd roars (add sound effects).”
We could do this in the bedroom too. Usually this is called playing out your fantasy which is another way of making a game or acting out a scenario, whether improvised or familiar. “Let’s play pirates tonight, honey.” Again, fun is obviously the object of this play.
3) Romance
Romance can be fun too. I know that is hard to believe for some of you – but it is possible. If we add the element of play into romance it might just free us from inhibiting beliefs about what is romance and how we have to behave in order to be romantic.
We play with our minds as we dream up romantic encounters with our partners. Maybe I will be a character from her favorite book, or movie. Maybe I will have a theme night out, an Italian restaurant, and Italian movie, and drive around in a rented Italian sports car and top the night off with some Italian chocolate.
If you have a difficult time coming up with romantic ideas I highly recommend Ken Tanner’s book, The Science of Passion, The Art of Romance: 10 Unforgettable Scenarios to Re-Kindle Your Relationship.
If you really want to be playful, do as kids do and dress up. Make your attire a costume. In the above example, dress-up in a dashing suit, fedora and scarf. It will definitely help you get into the role.
4) Do things together
Sounds kind of obvious, but I know too many relationships where the couples don’t do very many activities together. They have busy work schedules and, in what little free time they have, they are engaged in separate chores, tasks or recreation. This does not bode well for the relationship.
I am making the assumption that you actually like being in your partner’s presence. If not, well then, you have some serious decisions to make – not a lot of play there.
Whether it is kids, or work, or lack of prioritizing, most of us could be playing more with our partners. Again, looking to kids for our inspiration, what I notice is that they are almost always prepared to play, by themselves, with friends and with their parents.
They don’t question whether or not they should be playing. No, they just do it. Yes, we have a lot of things and schedules in our day that we are committed to and as responsible citizens we keep our word.
The question is, are you keeping your word about having a healthy relationship? Maybe that’s part of the problem. The commitment to a healthy relationship is not overt but implied. It is not written out, we don’t sign anything and it slides into the back of our minds as life overwhelms us with its incessant demands.
Therefore, we must commit to making time together and be willing to be spontaneous when an opportunity presents itself, or even when it doesn’t. It is critical to do things together if you want to stay together.
5) Entertainment
No doubt kids can entertain themselves especially when there is a group of them. They also like to be entertained. They entertain each other, they entertain adults, and they even entertain their pets. They are willing to create a fantasy world and include anyone and anything into it.
As adults, entertainment can mean many things. It could mean going to the movies, going out for dinner, going to the Football game. It could also mean, like kids, creating entertainments for each other. You could sing a song to your partner, play music, read a play, do magic tricks, or play cards. It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you take the time to entertain each other.
6) Spontaneous
Now here’s a tough one for most adults. Spontaneous action has been drilled out of most of us, starting in school and continuing into the workforce. It is so bad that in the corporate world they hire trainers and coaches on creativity. They bring in actors to teach improvisation. They use Shakespeare to teach lessons on leadership. They want to know how to have work/life balance, and fun.
Fortunately, you don’t have to pay big bucks to learn to be spontaneous with your partner. You just have to put that thought in your mind and look for opportunities to be . . . playful. If you really need help, take an improv course or hang out with kids.
7) Touch
Children touch each other all the time. They hug, grab, tickle and wrestle. They walk hand in hand and caress. Touch is healing, soothing and keeps us connected – literally. How often are you and your partner in contact through touch? Oh, we talk all the time, we text 20 times a day, but do you touch, and do you touch playfully?
Touch is sensuous. It awakens the senses and makes us aware, in a direct way, of the physicality of our partners. It is hard to ignore someone when they touch you.
Touch is so important that in old age homes they bring in dogs and cats for the residents to pet. It lowers blood pressure and reduces anxiety. Babies live and die on touch. Minimal touch when a child is young can lead to attachment disorders.
One way my partner and I touch is by wrestling. It is stylized as we are older and don’t want broken bones or pulled muscles. We use touch in this manner to diffuse anger and get – back in touch.
We stand facing each other, legs slightly bent, one forward, and the other back. We edge forward and then grab hands. Your fingers can be interlaced or not (take rings off if interlaced. Hurts like hell otherwise). Now, lean into each other and push, first one arm and then the next. Whoever is stronger will need to tone down their strength to match their partner’s. Growling is encouraged. Do this until exhausted or laughing hysterically.
8) Read
Young children love to be read to even in this day of portable gaming devices. It’s a cozy, comfortable and caring atmosphere. The same with adults. My wife and I do this usually when we are in the car driving somewhere. Sometimes we read poetry to one another (note to self: do more of this).
Because we both work out of the home for part of the day, we share what we are studying or reading for pleasure. Reading can be a formalized activity or impromptu. Either way, it is another way of creating connection. And sharing jokes is great. This leads us to . . .
9) Laugh
The family or couple that laughs together stays together. Have you noticed that kids are always laughing and making jokes out of any and everything? Most times, if you are laughing, you are having fun.
There are many ways to create laughter: jokes, acting silly, pulling faces, over-acting, miming someone or something, or telling a funny story. You can watch a comedy on TV, the movies or the theatre. You could go to a stand-up comedy club. You could tickle each other (some people are not OK with tickling – ask first if unsure).
Laughter releases endorphins and feels good. The tears of laughter have a different composition than the tears of sadness. Laughing to the point of tears is an emotional release. Heck, you might even pee your pants.
10) Create
Kids are constantly creating. They make up games, they build things, they have Lego and Plasticine, they make forts, and they create scenes to act out. Children are a font of creativity and they take pleasure in their creative pursuits.
To have as much fun as a kid while creating you will have to act like a kid and drop your self-critical judgement, perfectionism and self-consciousness. Have you ever created something with your partner besides a baby?
Remember that scene in Ghost where Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze are on the potter’s wheel. They were creating some hot energy for sure.
In my life, I have done house renovations with my partner. Definitely a growing experience and fun at times. More fun was when we created paintings together, acted together and edited each other’s work.
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If you read this far, you deserve a bonus tip. Here is number eleven.
11) Holiday
Do kids like holidays. YES! And so should you if you want to have fun in your relationship. Holidays should be about fun, however you define fun. Often it is a stressful event, from the idea to the return – exhausted and spent. Often we need a holiday just to recover from the holiday.
Being in touch with our excitement, like kids, will give us energy and help us see the world with eyes wide open and hearts full of love. I wrote about the possibilities of improving your relationship while vacationing in, How My Partner And I Do Vacations, And How Vacations Do Us.
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That’s it. By cultivating our childlike qualities of spontaneity, unself-consciousness, openness, playfulness and desire to have fun, we can infuse our relationship with vitality.
Photo: Flickr/Mitch/Sandemonium