10 Ways to Get a Woman to Leave Your Apartment

Avoiding intimacy the morning after, in ten easy steps.

As a bachelor, it’s a tricky situation to get a girl out of your apartment the next morning. You’re scared because you know what’s at stake—if she stays, you’ll have to talk to her.

It’s important not to panic.

Always try to avoid getting into the situation before it becomes an issue, and opt for the girl’s place whenever possible. That way, if there’s an accessible fire escape or strong bed sheets available, you can leave whenever you want. Plus, girls have a nicer bed (with pillow cases!), a nicer bathroom (with a door!), and nicer refrigerators (with stuff inside!).

But if you’re absolutely stuck, remember that there are 10 simple ways of making a girl leave on her own accord, thus avoiding anything difficult, like emotions or honesty.

Observe.

♦◊♦

The Wake-Up

“Mmm, what a great morning! We should go to the park or something.”

♦◊♦

1. Become a Meteorologist

“Not unless you want to get struck by lightning and die.”

“What?”

“There’s a 67 percent chance of thunderstorms today. I’ve heard people lose control of their bowels when they’re struck by lightning. Can you imagine that? So basically, if we go to the park, there’s a 67 percent chance you’ll poop yourself and die.”

“67 percent?”

“Yeah, also the gulfstream is all crazy and a high pressure system is pushing in from Canada and global warming is raising water levels so the, um, penguins are migrating due south and … ”

“Haha, okay. Maybe we can catch a movie instead. Oh, I really want to see The Amazing Spider-Man! I’m sure it’s playing somewhere nearby.”

♦◊♦

2. Become a Movie Critic

“Hah! Summer blockbuster? More like summer “lackluster.” Don’t believe the marketing—this is the same old boring origin story all over again. You don’t need Spidey-Senses to sense this flop. C +”

“Wow, I heard it was good. Okay, so we can just stay here all day! Doesn’t that sound great? Snuggle on the couch, watch the thunderstorm … ”

“Bugs!”

♦◊♦

3. Become Infested

I do love a good snuggle, but I have the exterminator coming over.

“What?”

“Yeah, sorry. I do love a good snuggle, but I have the exterminator coming over.”

“Why?”

“A poker game. Why do you think? I mean, he didn’t say it was definitely bed bugs, but … ”

“Ew, ew, EW … let’s go! Get dressed. We cannot stay here.”

♦◊♦

4. Become Generous

“You’re right, and I have to be at the shelter in an hour anyway so let’s get you in a cab there, missy. And remember, be sure to take absolutely everything with you.”

“Aww, you never told me you volunteered! I should really start. It’s time that I gave back to the community. We can swing by my place on the way there to get some extra cans of soup.”

♦◊♦

5. Become Poor

“Okay. Truth time. Here it goes. You see, I actually don’t volunteer there. I’ve been evicted.”

“What?”

“Yup, I’m poor. Lost my job, addicted to crack … the whole deal. I can understand if you don’t want to be dating a homeless crack head.”

“When did this start?”

“Years ago. Can’t get enough of it. Just ate some this morning.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to eat … ”

“Oh, and don’t come by the shelter or anything. I’m planning on sleeping in the park, or down by the river, ya know, something with a view, preferably not too ethnic. I … ”

“Move in with me.”

♦◊♦

6. Become Religious

“Aw, babe, nothing would make me happier! But the Koran teaches that a devout Muslim man, like me, cannot fornicate with an unclean woman, like you.”

“What about last night?”

“The prophet Muhammad has a three-strike policy.”

“So you’re a Muslim crack head?”

“Sí.”

“That’s Spanish.”

“I’m Muslim on my mother’s side. It counts.”

“I’ll convert! I’m not really that Jewish anyway.”

“If only we had more time.”

“For what?”

(sigh) “Life. I was going to tell you last night, but … I’m dying.”

♦◊♦

7. Become … Dying

“Wait, what? Are you serious?! Of what?!”

“Lou Ferrigno Disease.”

“You mean Lou Gehrig’s Disease?”

“No, Lou Ferrigno. Apparently I’m going to get really big and green.”

“How much time do you have left?”

“They aren’t sure when.”

“Then I’m not going anywhere, mister. I’m going to stay right here and take care of … ”

“Today! They aren’t sure when, but it’s definitely sometime today.”

“You’re dying today, and you’d like me to leave?”

“Yes, I think I should say goodbye to my wife in private.”

♦◊♦

8. Become a Husband

“You’re MARRIED?!”

“We had to get married after the twins were born.”

♦◊♦

9. Become a Father

“You have KIDS?!”

“Just the two from this marriage. The others are grown by now.”

“Okay, what’s going on?”

“What?”

“You’re telling me that you’re a married, devout Muslim who is dying from Lou Ferrigno disease and about to be evicted from his apartment because he’s addicted to crack and covered in bed bugs?”

“Right, and don’t forget about the kids. And the lightning. And the poop.”

“This is completely unbelievable. I’m not leaving here until I get a straight answer from you and figure out what the hell is really going on!”

“Fine, but if you’re staying can you pass me that pack of cigarettes over there? I could really use a smoke.”

“You’re a smoker?”

♦◊♦

10. Become a Smoker

“I’m a smoker.”

“No way, I’m outta here.”

“Cool, I’ll text you.”

 

Read more in Men Are Funny

—Photo of a young couple in bed courtesy of Shutterstock

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About Sean Carney

Sean Carney is a writer from Philadelphia. While working on his second novel, he tries to provide a distraction from daily life by writing funny stories about daily life. You can read more on his blog, The Witty Gritty, or get in touch on Facebook orTwitter. Sean is single, so donations of food or toilet paper are always appreciated.

Comments

  1. 11. Become Busy

    (Shoot up from the bed and getting dressed frantically.)

    “What’s wrong?”

    “I have a very important meeting at (round up to the next hour)! Look I would love to stay in for the day and spend it with you but I HAVE to make this meeting.”

    “How important is it?”

    “Career making or career breaking important.”

    Condition – There are two things to bear in mind when using this excuse.
    1. If she works at the same company as you she may be able to see through your lie.
    2. If the night before you already told her that you are free the next day then you setting yourself up to get caught in a lie.

  2. just do what I do to the guy, tell them ‘you can leave now i have things to do’. i don’t need to make up stupid excuses or lie just tell them you’re done and you’re moving on if they need more conversation tell them you just wanted sex. Don’t be an idiot. And plus what girls are sticking around anyhow, they want to be your girlfriend? idiots

  3. Chris in NC says:

    Did I miss something here and accidentally end up on Maxim’s website?

    This appears to be antithetical to being a “good man”… amiright? This was funny, but not really what I imagined fitting with the intention of the website. In my mind, good man would approach a morning-after with honesty. This is not to suggest that good men don’t have one-night-stands, but I would think a good man would at least be honest with the woman rather than make up excuses/lies.

    Yeah, the morning-after can be awkward, but a) it doesn’t have to be and b) if you don’t plan on seeing the person again, be straight up about it. No need for us to be coy.

  4. Elisabeth says:

    I’m with Chris. This is disappointing.

    There’s nothing wrong with one night stands, but approaching the issue from the position of having to lie and cheat your way out of treating the woman like – shock! horror! – a human being? Assuming she will take on the typical feminine role of wanting to keep the man? Assuming she a) couldn’t handle, and b) doesn’t deserve honesty from the beginning? Lame.

    Aside from which, this is one of the stalest, oldest, most unoriginal gender norm jokes in the book. Why don’t you guys just go one step further and write ten ways for a woman to make you a sandwich?

    I thought the project would be aware that gender normative jokes are pretty much the main way gender stereotypes are reinforced.

    You’ve lost a fan.

  5. I guess you can make sure the woman is a prostitute.

  6. I’m with Elizabeth. Or I mean I was for her before I was against her…

    You are right that gender normative jokes are very much passe but fail to see the point. This was a useful and valuable “How To” on dealing with this situation. I found the advice inspired.

    For example, wouldn’t we all agree that it’s way better to just head to her apt in the first place? I appreciate these 10 steps and support the cause.

    Still a fan.

  7. Danielle says:

    Funny! This is clearly meant to be tongue-in-cheek, which is the type of humor writing I really like to read. Maybe for #11, Sean can pull a Chandler from “Friends” and tell his date he needs to move to Yemen. You know, in case excuses 1-10 don’t work. :)

  8. I’m finding it hard to believe that there are people who have not managed to see the tongue-in-cheekness of this post.

    The dead give-away for me was the line just under the first paragraph: “…t there are 10 simple ways of making a girl leave on her own accord, thus avoiding anything difficult, like emotions or honesty.”

    And in the same spirit, I offer:

    10 Strategies for Getting a Man to Leave in the Morning

    1. Just tell him to leave after you’ve orgasmed. Start your sentence with: “Thank you, that was nice, but…” This avoids the whole morning dilemma altogether.

    2. Get up before he does, borrow your neighbor’s kids, and drag them into the bedroom, saying “Hey kids, meet your new daddy!”

    3. Say… “Do you remember that really gory scene in the Godfather with the horse head?” I’m getting cramps and I am about to start menstruating. You’d better leave now.

    4. Set the alarm for 5AM and when it rings, tell him he needs to leave because your husband will be home any minute.

    5. No matter how many men tell you they think it’s cute when a girl farts in bed, they’re lying. Flatulence. Go for it.

    6. Shake dramatically, clutch at your lower belly, then curl up into a ball and scream, “Oh, my GOD! What have you DONE?”

    7. Explain that you only have the bed on a time-share basis, and that the next working-girl’s shift starts at in 15 minutes.

    8. Just pretend to be be a late sleeper and make really loud fake snoring sounds.

    9. Conversely, lock yourself in the bathroom and make very loud sounds of gastric distress.

    10. Just plant your foot on his hip and shove really hard. Then roll over onto your side and say nothing. He’ll end up on the floor and get the hint.

    All of these techniques work. Admittedly, some of them take a toll on your dignity, but who gives a shit? You don’t want him to like you anyway. You just want him out of your bed.

    • If we are putting all tongues in all the cheeks and letting the comedy fly then I want to take a stab at these.

      1. “Oh you did? Didn’t even notice.”

      2. “Oh ok who wants pancakes for breakfast!?!”

      3. We’ll come back to that one.

      4. Okay I don’t like fighting unless I have to so you’d probably get me on that one.

      5. Do you really want to challenge a guy to a farting contest? If you beat him it might make him even more attached to you.

      6. “Hey you’re the one that said you were into those weird insertions!”

      7. “I don’t suppose I can get some kind of group rate?”

      8. That’s when I’d go in the kitchen and make you breakfast and then try to wake you up.

      9. I’d ask if you were okay and if you say yes I’m out.

      10. I’d pick the whole damn mattress up and toss you out of bed on the other side. Petty I know but what’s a few bruises if it will get rid of a guy right?

      Oh yeah…

      3. “Remember that blood rave scene at the beginning of the first Blade movie? Let me just get a wet nap and I’ll be right back.” And I’ve also known guys that have no problem pushing the string to the side like an unruly bang….

      Thanks for the laughs.

  9. Quadruple A says:

    I don’t really get how these one night stand situations arise. The article did not specify. If you see meet a girl at a bar why would you have to find some way to deceive her out of your apartment in the first place? If there is in some other situation I still don’t know deception is necessary. I don’t think this article even belongs on this site actually.

  10. I understand that this article is meant to be humor. But I can’t be a fan of any article that jokes about callously disposing of men or women after you’ve gotten what you wanted from them. This would be akin to me posting a tongue-in-cheek article about, “10 Ways to Get a Man to Leave After Getting Money Out of Him”. How about an article about giving men tips on accepting the consequences of their choices? Such as taking home a strange woman and the possibility that she may still be there in the morning. How about an article about how to treat this woman like an actual person, not a tissue you used and now need to find somewhere to throw away. After all, if someone slept with you, shouldn’t they be getting a little more of your respect then not. Otherwise, isn’t it kind of self loathing to not want to be around someone you decided to sleep with in the first place?

  11. Erin…I happen to agree with you.

    That’s why I suggested a prostitute for men seeking to have her leave.

    With as much casual sex taking place today (never for me), I can only imagine the issues with strange people in ones bed and adobe. High risk stuff indeed.

  12. Great Post!! I cant say that I have used them all but some of them work like a charm. I also have used the “I am heading to the clinic to get tested” line which is just a gem. Keep up the good work.

  13. Geez, it’s a SATIRE, folks. Everyone relax — wait, before you do that, read up on the importance of satire throughout ancient and modern history. (Seriously, do it. You’ll have to step down from your politically correct, extra-boxy soapbox first.)

    I say, Mr. Carney, bring on more articles. You lampoon societal, gender and sexual norms and, for those truly listening, it’s humorous criticism that can affect change.

    And as for this discourse about the site monicker and if certain articles “belong” here:

    What would a good man be without realizing the evil that fellow men do?

    • Hear, hear, Dexter.
      They say that it is a fragile society that cannot appreciate satire. Apparently we’re going through a rough patch. Just imagine Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” (http://art-bin.com/art/omodest.html) being published today.
      Well, I imagine you’d get a lot of these sorts of responses.

      • EddyNorthwind says:

        There is satire, and then there are bad jokes pretending to be satire. A Modest Proposal succeeds because it is so far outside the realm of what is acceptable as to be humorous while at the same time being analagous enough to real ideals during its time to provide commentary on them. This piece is just parroting an extant and bullshit narrative about masculinity, failing miserably at any half-assed attempt to tear it down. It is not satire. It’s the kind of dumb humor one would expect out of Maxim.

    • Dexter I’m not looking for “politically correct”. I’m just not a fan of humor that’s about tossing women out of your place after using their vagina like a fleshlight..call me crazy like that.

      • The article was designed to implicitly show just how pathetic the behaviour and thinking you are referring to is. That you don’t seem to be able to recognize this – is pretty solid evidence that you only find humourless and politically correct diatribes on the issue acceptable.

      • Erin, what’s a “fleshlight”? Anyway, I don’t support using women (or their vaginas, as you mention) for selfish, empty pleasures.

        That’s the point.

        The post satirizes this behavior in order to a) call it out as an obscenely ridiculous societal norm and b) criticize those who employ it. The goal is to wake up men and women and possibly break them out of this ridiculousness with some, dare I say, honesty.

        There may be a man out there that reads this and says, “I’m a real douche-bag for pulling that meteorologist stunt this morning. I need to clean up my act.”

        There may be a woman that read this and says, “I can’t believe I fell for that meteorologist stunt this morning. I need to find a man that appreciates me.”

        And both of them can thank this author.

        • Copyleft says:

          This forum recently had a few articles on whether any topics of humor should be off-limits as “too serious and important to joke about if you want to have a positive impact.”

          I don’t recall a consensus being gained for that proposal. Bring on the jokes!

        • There is nothing in the article that actually points to the idea of wanting to “wake up” men and women about engaging in risky sexual behavior. That is simply your own hypothesis Dexter but there is not one little sentence about any of the things you believe the article is trying to illustrate.

          I also don’t know why if you are allowed to find it funny, why I am not allowed to not find it very funny. Who says the way you see it is ‘”ight” and mine is “wrong”.

      • Quadruple A says:

        Because a one night stand amounts to treating a woman like a flesh light? Then does a woman who seeks a one night stand regard men as dildos?

        • i do think one night stands are empty and self gratifying. Women who go out on dates with men that pay for dinner and want not but have no serious intention of taking that guy seriously are also another way people can use one another.

          • I’ll be the first to agree with you there….when it’s done deceptively. But when all the cards are on the table (and it’s clear that I’m her dildo for the night and she’s my fleshlight for the night) it seems fine to me.

            • How is a woman that accepts a date with a man that then pays being deceptive?

            • Deceptive as in trying to figure out exactly what they are looking for and then playing the part in hopes of getting in their pants.

              As in if a guy or woman is just looking for sex they should be upfront about it.

              I’m sure you know about how folks will sweet talk someone until they get what they want and then disappear? That’s what I’m talking about. Like the guy that has a one night stand and when she turns up pregnant he vanishes. Or the woman that would give no indication that it was just sex until the next morning when she kicks him out of bed.

            • Huh? I’m with Erin on this one. How is that deceptive?

              I think it’s just establishing an honest set of parameters.

            • When Erin said:
              Women who go out on dates with men that pay for dinner and want not but have no serious intention of taking that guy seriously are also another way people can use one another.
              I was saying that I agree its not being done with the honest establishment of parameters you speak of.

              If the parameters are set honestly (meaning that the woman in Erin’s example would be clear of her intentions) I’m all for it.

            • Okay, I see what you are saying Danny. However, often in this conversation, such things are justified under the idea of total honesty, but rarely, in real life, do people ever express such honesty. Usually two people that have a one night stand or date don’t say anything so technical as , “You do realize that I just want to sleep with you and leave in the morning/You do realize that I am just looking to go out on a date with a relatively nice man that will pay for my meal without nothing else really happening.” It’s easy to say such things are okay when honesty is practiced but rarely are men or women that honest to express what is really going on behind the subtext of any given situation. Especially in those early interactions that usually one night stands and first dates stand on . Sure, if both parties agree to some honest parameters, fine. But I have never really found that to be the reality more times then not. Both genders use forms of sweetening up the other to ultimately get what they want. And they think that as long as they aren’t making promises, they are in the clear, as long as they don’t say anything, then it’s okay. Kind of like a lie by omission.

            • True on the lie by omission part. That usually comes in the form of “Hey I didn’t make any promises!” when one finds themselves in such a situation.

      • ” women out of your place after using their vagina like a fleshlight.”

        Oh, right, because a vagina is this sacred,precious thing, unlike a penis, the penis that she used that night before.

        Did you wander in from Twisty Faster?

    • This was an *attempt* at satire that turned out to be not-very-interesting parody. In effective satire (read examples at The Onion) “vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement.” (Wiki)

      If the author (and “author”) had included jabs at himself (subtly revealing to the reader his own shortcomings–impotence, overwhelming loneliness that makes him sob at night while he watches porn, whatever) to the reader while saying these ridiculous things, THAT would have been effective satire.

  14. I thought this was hysterical and I am also a big fan of his blog, but as usual there are folks out there that have to turn it into something more.

    Whatever.

  15. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    It’s a miracle she did you. Look, dickless yuppies who plan to throw the bar pick-up out in the morning deserve to loose their apartment, their junior analyst job at Ledgerdemain Brothers, their vienna sausage size penises, their x-boxes, their pathetic supply of coke, their bad wines, and their I-phones. This is actually an argument for neutron bombing Manhattan, which would take care of many other problems, too.

    You should have been making love to her very slowly all night. If you come in two minutes (and I know you do,) teach her the squeeze technique. In the morning, both of you rosy with love, you have breakfast in a wonderful sidewalk cafe. Jesus.

  16. Hank,

    Take it easy. Maybe it’s time to get back on those meds of yours before you hurt somebody. At least while you typed away on that diatribe of yours it saved others from having to interact with you in person. I hope for all of us that you aren’t near any explosives. Geez.

    I found the article mildly amusing but it’s got nothing on Hank.

    This was sent from my i phone.

  17. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    1. You need to develop a sense of humor.
    2. I’m of a generation where, if a woman slept with you, it was a pretty nice gift. I usually never get offended by what I read here, but I think the article has resonnance because it does describe a culture and practices that are real. It was offensive (Hi Erin – you and I often come down on opposite sides of this type of thing, but maybe not today.) I like satire, and, even if the article is tongue in cheek, it needed real violence done to it. So my Hunter Thompson approach.

  18. 11. Become an intravenous drug user. Keep a filthy, blood caked syringe under the mattress. Post sex, simply sit up and begin to tie off your arm with a rubber hose. With veins popping–and her eyes likely doing the same–offer to share the dirty needle with her.

    Like you do with other complete strangers.

    By the time you get around to discussing the results of your latest HIV test, that chick’ll be dressed and stumbling toward the exit.
    Cruel but effective.

  19. CosmicDestroyer says:

    How about a restraining order?

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