1. Take him to your favorite restaurant
Not McDonald’s. Not Burger King. Take him to a real, grown-up sit-down place and share a meal. Trust me: he already knows that this is where you take important people.
2. Let him stay up past his bedtime
And do something together. Stare at the stars. Make fudge. Build a model. Being up with Mom or Dad alone in the dark is a powerful memory.
Flickr/popofatticus
3. Play Risk with him
Or Monopoly. You know – the kind of game you never have time to play. Just get out the dice and roll.
4. Hug & kiss him
All boys need to be hugged and kissed. Even (or maybe especially) the ones who tell you they don’t.
5. Make his favorite meal
For no apparent reason. He’ll know and appreciate it.
6. Play cars—or dinos or whatever—with him
It’s so hard to find the time to get down on the floor, and so hard to put away your grown-up-sized worries and concerns, but nothing means as much to a boy as playing with him.
Flickr/sergei.tereschenko
7. Don’t complain the next time he comes home muddy
This comes straight from the mouth of my 8 year-old. What more can I say?
8. Watch his favorite movie with him
Pop some popcorn and settle in. His taste in movies probably isn’t exactly the same as yours, but who knows? You might realize you like foreign films.
9. Introduce him to your hobby
Golf, knitting, rock climbing—whatever you do, he knows it’s important to you. Show him the ropes and invite him into your world.
10. Ask him where he’d like to go. Take him.
But feel free to set boundaries. You might be surprised at where he wants to go.
11. Listen to him
Really listen to him the next time he starts talking about his passion. Ask questions. Challenge him. Show genuine interest.
12. Read him your favorite book.
You know, the one you loved when you were a kid. Tell him why you loved it and read out loud, with enthusiasm. He just may see you in a whole new light.
13. Let him help you
Do laundry. Fix the car. You’ll get to spend time together and he’ll learn new skills.
14. Talk calmly, even when he frustrates you
Again—straight from the mouth of my eight-year-old. Keeping a level head shows your son that you respect and value him as a person.
Originally appeared at Blogging ‘Bout Boys
Also read: This is What Real Fatherhood Looks Like
Lead image courtesy of Flickr/popofatticus
About Jennifer L. W. Fink
Your article is how women show love. Here’s how a man does it:
1) Get him to work in the yard with you. Teach him about the birds and the bees (literally). Explore wildlife. Teach him their eating and mating and living (and dying) habits. Teach him to identify animals, and what role they play in the real world. You can also use this opportunity to teach him about aesthetics, how to create beautiful things, and well as problem solving, such as removing a stump.
2) Be althetic with him. Rough house. Play physical games. It can be as simple as “race you to the end of the dock” to “let’s see what you can lift”. This teaches a boy to surpass his current physical state. Teach him the importance of being able to run, climb, lift, push, crawl, swim. This will teach him that a skinned knee is nothing more than that. He will learn to not allow pain to dominate. This teaches him his current limitations and how to surpass them, thus, creating body confidence, which may translate to his being a good worker, dancer or lover.
3) Teach him to use power tools. This engenders self-trust by creating competence, teaching him that he can handle the world. It also teaches him that he is trusted for his ability to learn and that he has the ability, with proper teaching, to be left alone and create.
4) Teach him how to fight (age-appropriate). A boy who has no ability to respond, or is unprepared to face a bully will be left with a sense of self-doubt. Teach him the habits of humans, when to talk, when to fight and when to egress. When a boy has options before conflict occurs, he can handle it.
5) Teach him practical skills: How to grow food, store it and prepare it, how to interact with people, how to fix his bike, how to use math in daily life, how to think critically, how to dig or cut down a tree, how to nail boards together or fit pipes together or how to piece together simple electrical systems. Priase him legitimately for actual accomplishments, patiently coach him though his rough spots.
6) Go collecting junk on the beach or in the forest, go dupster diving. This is not only fun quiet time, but can teach him about being resourceful, thinking outside of the box, to be aware of the opportunities that surround him. Get him to think of a net project you can do together and go hunting for the pieces, rather than buying them.
7) Raise animals with him, whether it be worm, or chickens or beetles or snails or snakes. This not only teaches him the cycles of life, but to appreciate what the world outside of a hyper-clean sanitary plastic covered world looks like. It teaches him long term thinking and quite frankly, it’s fun!
8) Make sure that you shut everything down at supper time, and that that time is used for familiy togetherness. Make it part of the routine where everyone in the familiy must learn one thing and share it a supper time. When he speaks, actually listen to him. Actively question him.
9) Observe what he’s naturally good at and what he’s not so good at. Help him stretch his sense of self and of what he is legitimately capable of doing, and what his legitimate limits are. Teach him about the real world, and the impact of his actions on it, relative to his ability to learn. Take the time to have fun with him and explore this.
10) Find a nice quiet place, a forest, a lake, a dock or a park and just sit and be with the boy. Eat ice-cream and stare at the clouds or the stars.
11) Be physical with hiim. Pick him up, carry him on your shoulders, put your arm around his shoulders, scruff up his hair.
The best thing you can do to show love to your boy is to be there and be involved with him, all while teaching him how to handle the world. He’ll thank you for it as an adult.
Joseph,
I really like your post, it is full of great ideas. But do we have to specify how men and women show love? I think a woman can do all of the things you suggested, and a man can do all of the things that Jennifer suggested. Right? Right.
I agree, elee. I don’t see the lists as gender-specific. In fact, I’ve done most, if not all, of the things on Joseph’s list with my boys too.
And, for the record, I think both lists include some perfectly great ways to show love to daughters too.
i agree only with the 8th point…rest is just an assurance of a clingy father of his masculinity!!!
You said: But do we have to specify how men and women show love? I think a woman can do all of the things you suggested, and a man can do all of the things that Jennifer suggested. Right? Right.”
I think we do. Women CAN do all the things I’ve mentioned, and men CAN do all that Joanna mentioned. But look at the lists. Joanna’s list was about exterior feedback. My list is (mostly) about teaching him to create his own interior feedback. There are some other points that I’ll address in other comments.
I did love her comment about being in the dark with his parents though. That’s a good one.
Forgive me, I referred to Joanna when I should have referred to Jennifer. I guess that “email me” post stuck in my head. Again, apologies for miscrediting Jennifer’s post to Joanna.
I’m sorry, but I disagree. There is nothing a man can’t do in the articular and Josephs list is not a list of ways to show your child you love him, but a list of things he thinks you should teach a child. Not only that, but things that are stereotypically “manly”. How dose teaching your child to be violent show them you love them? Just because your a man dose not mean you have to be a cliche of violence, emotional suppresion and power tools.
I fully agree with John Smith. While Joseph’s list is surely a great list of things to do with your sons, it’s more a “how to raise your son to be an adult” list instead of a “how to show your son you love him” list. There’s nothing wrong with the list, IMO, it’s just a list for a different subject.
John Smith said: “I’m sorry, but I disagree. There is nothing a man can’t do in the articular and Josephs list is not a list of ways to show your child you love him, but a list of things he thinks you should teach a child. Not only that, but things that are stereotypically “manly”. How dose teaching your child to be violent show them you love them? Just because your a man dose not mean you have to be a cliche of violence, emotional suppresion and power tools.”
I did not claim that either sex could not do either list. As far as not being a list of things to teach rather than ways to show your child you that love him, can you think of a better way to love though shared time, attention and interaction? A cookie is nice, but what he’ll most likely remember is when you built something together. He may even have it on his shelf when he gets older.
I did not say teach him to be violent. I said teach him to fight so he knows when to respond with force, words, or egress. You may not like it, but despite all of our luxuries, we do live in the real world. People can be violent to each other. The opposite of fear is confidence. Giving him choices and teaching him how to read people is a good thing. How many kids are killing themselves because of CYBER bullying, let alone real physical bullying? Learning how to fight teaches you to master your own fear and emotions, as well as your body and your perception of other people. I can’t think of a more loving thing than teaching your child that fear is something that can be handled and overcome.
As far as being a “cliché” 1) see the above, 2) where in this did I speak of emotional suppression? and 3) how is being creative, engendering trust and self-confidence a bad thing?
There is nothing wrong with, and nothing more loving, IMO, than teaching a boy to be strong. pro-active, able to handle the world. Even if you think it’s cliché. Women’s ways are good. So are men’s. That’s why fathers are so important–and necessary.
Now if I had mentioned chewing tobacco, that might be another story
Hey Joseph, I sent you an email, but in case you didn’t get it, will you email me at joanna@goodmenproject.com ?
Thanks! Loving your list, these two compliment each other very nicely!
Also, teach him to check his spelling before submitting comments.
Great piece Jennifer and great response Joseph. As a father of two boys I heartily agree.
As a single mom with a father who had opted to not have a relationship with our kids both the article and Josephs reply was awesome. I do all the “mom” stuff and plan to expand my horizons with Josephs feedback so I can relate to my son in a more comprehensive manner. While we don’t have to ascribe to gender stereotypes it help s to break us out of our own comfort zones towards personal growth. I appreciate it all and so will my son! THX!
Lead him to Christ! Pray with him, pray for him, teach him Bible stories and Christian songs, give him Christian heroes to look up to, take him to church, memorize scripture, point out the wonder of God’s creation, teach him humility and thankfulness, teach him to choose Godly friends and a Godly wife and how to be a good husband and father, and teach him how to grow into a man who models his life after Jesus. The best way to show love for your son is to give him to the One who loves him more than you do. I very much enjoyed the article and the comments. It is clear that you love your sons very much. Prayers for you all and your families!
How about #15? Tell him in words “I love you” (with meaning, on a daily basis).
this…. i really hope i find this simple ways, just tell your son ” whatever you do, whatever other people think of you, you know that your’e my son and i love you very much ”
I think saying straight ” I love you ” to a boy is the best way to teach him how to love, and to tell him that you really love him.
Love this!
Jennifer, Joseph, and Andi…wonderful suggestions and advice!!
Question: what do I do if I love my three boys with all my heart, but I am in the middle of a custody battle where I have 50/50 custody now, one week on and one week off, and my ex is trying to get full custody b/c I got remarried? I have a 14, 12, and 6 yr old. The 6 yr old is fine, loves my wife’s 3 girls (yes, brady bunch!), and the girls are 8, 6, and 3. But my 14 and 12 yr old are having a hard time, and I understand, but they are also getting so much crap from my ex, they are given everything they want, they are told by my ex “well come live with me” when they complain of having to live with 3 girls, instead of teaching them that time will pass by and things always get easier and better and more comfortable. My parents back up my ex as well. So my older boys have no support system telling them that life will be okay and step-sisters will be okay, rather they have family members with power telling them that they can ask the courts to live with their mom so they don’t have to be in a different situation. I am going to lose them, they dislike me now, they disrespect me now, they feel entitled, and none of the suggestions/advice in articles overcomes this. What do I do? Because my love for my boys, in my case, is not strong enough to teach them and show them right from wrong, and to show them that what ohter family members are doing is wrong. How can I beat that?
Resigned, depressed, and saddened father,
Nathan
This is not legal advice. However, from one divorced parent to another, I can tell you to check your divorce orders. What are the current orders re custody and placement? If it’s 50/50, and in the order, your ex can’t change it without some legal action. If legal action has been filed — if she’s filed for full custody — you may need to retain a lawyer. Know, though, that in most places, it’s very difficult for one parent to get full custody unless there are extenuating issues, such as abuse or substance use. Most courts now recognize that kids do better when both parents are involved in their lives. It’s also worth noting that the law typically does not allow children to decide where they want to live. Different states have different rules regarding the child’s input, so check with your lawyer.
Hang in there.