1: Never assume because we are over 40 that we are HIV-Positive or practice unsafe sex.
Young men are often the most prone to abandon safe sex in the heat of the moment, as they view the disease in a less-serious light than we do. If we are over 40 and healthy, it’s more than likely because we’ve been smart in our sexual choices and, if we are Positive, have taken care of ourselves so as not to risk our health or the health of others.
No matter our ages, let’s make one thing clear: Asking if someone is “clean” when you mean “HIV Negative” is an insult to all Positive men (the implication being that men with HIV are “dirty”). Use the word “clean” when inquiring about someone’s apartment status.
2: We aren’t all enamored of Barbra Streisand, Liza Minnelli, Bette Midler and Judy Garland.
Many men over 40 have no interest in or despise some of these women, and some are even too young to know much about Judy. But we do all love Cher, because not loving Cher is somehow just wrong.
3: Not all men over 40 are dads, and even those who are don’t always like to be called Daddies, unless it’s by a child we’re raising.
Stay away from the label unless you know we like it, or unless you want us to send you home without supper.
4: You don’t need to look at us with sad eyes if we say we don’t want to get married.
It’s possible to be pro-marriage equality and not want it for ourselves. You know, just like a lot of straight people.
5: Except for the music and fashion, the Eighties sucked.
Don’t listen to us when we get overly sentimental about the Reagan era.
6: Contrary to most of the photos of half-naked men you see on Internet websites and Calvin Klein’s love life, not all older guys think 20-something men are automatically sexier than those above the 40 mark…
…and that, as such, we’ll date you no matter what your personality. Men are sexy and handsome at all ages, and with experience comes the desire for substantial relationships above all else.
7: Your beards are getting too long.
Someone had to say it, and we’ve embarrassed ourselves enough with Day-Glo and manpris. Learn from our mistakes.
8: With age doesn’t always come maturity, and even though we might be rich, successful and popular, we can be just as shallow and immature as anyone else.
Keep that in mind and you might be able to teach us a few things, or know when it’s wise to search for someone at your own level of growth.
9: Brace yourself, but a lot of us never went to Studio 54.
10: If it’s five days after the Black Party and we tell you we can’t go out because we’re still recovering, do not date us.
We’ve got some serious maturity issues we need to resolve.
11: We don’t necessarily find it an attractive trait when you brag about being “too young” to miss references to Rock Hudson, Debbie Harry or Vietnam.
Knowledge is never a bad thing, and besides, most of us don’t brag about having no understanding of Einstein’s relevance.
12: Despise online dating?
Unfortunately, meeting guys in bars and at the gym sucked too. It’s never been easy to find nice, available men; never will be.
13: What you perceive as a weakness in yourself, we might perceive as your strength.
It’s tough being a gay man at any age, and we’ve spent more time figuring that out and learning that it’s okay to admit your insecurities. We’re all in this together, so feel free to open up.
14: Those steroids you’re using to make you look amazing…
Keep it up and you’ll be the most beautiful corpse in town. We’ll say wonderful things about you at the service.
15: Even though being gay is probably easier for you in terms of acceptance than it was for us when we were your age, you are still being discriminated against everyday and there are people who hate you just because of your sexual orientation.
That may sound simplistic, but remember it when you dismiss our generation as “lost” or “out of touch.” No generation has all the answers, and part of the reason you have so many new rights is because of our visibility and the visibility of men before us. Gay rights didn’t happen by magic, but they could disappear faster than you can say “abracadabra.”
16: Lady Gaga really has been copying every Madonna look, image, and video for the last several years.
Trust us on this one and move on.
17: Kissing rocks!
18: We’re not your enemy; we are you future.
If you’re lucky, you’ll eventually be our age, so you might as well start learning about the pain and beauty and hope and hurt and heartbreak that comes with age. You are our past, so we might understand more than you think we do. If we forget or dismiss you as “too young to understand,” slap some sense into us. It’s one big beautiful gay world out there, and no matter our ages and age difference, let’s share it together.
Follow David Toussaint on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DRToussaint
David Toussaint’s latest book is DJ: The Dog Who Rescued Me.
Originally posted at HuffPost
Image ID: 1428950735
Very good advice!!!!
All economics and politics aside, I totally disagree with the “80s sucked” comment and only giving shout outs to music and fashion. You might also want to add movies, video games and certain leaps in technology to that list, which are all HUGE and big, everyday things to a lot of people. It was one of the best decades for film (especially horror). Video Games became a force to be reckoned with (Sega, Nintendo, etc). CDs surfaced, the first primitive home computers. Awwww, I could go on, good times….
Bingo!
Guess the author of this article just turned 40 and somehow thinks he can speak for all of us. I got news for you buddy, I disagree with most of you wrote, and I’ve been a “40-something” for 15 years now,
❤
Saying that you’re negative because you were smart is an implication that positive people made stupid choices. Very similar to the ‘clean’ rhetoric that you rightly criticize.
In the 80s, I remember the most common sentiment among negative people is that they were luckier than their positive brothers and sisters, not smarter.
Spot on. Just one of the several reasons David Toussaint is an idiot.
Speak for yourself about the long beards, I love the trend and it’s hardly isolated among younger men. The trend of shaving off pubic hair has me confused, and very turned off. It’s gotten so bad that men who don’t shave their pubes are looked down on, like there’s something wrong with them. That is also not isolated among younger men.
#5 The best part of the 80s are the music and the fashion. The 80s gave us Madonna, Prince, Michael and Janet Jackson, the Police, Culture Club, Wham, Run DMC, The Beastie Boys. Fashion wise, the 80s were all about colors of fuschia and purples. Donna Karan, high shoulder pads, and working out in spandex shorts.
The 80’s were amazing. The clothes, the hair, the music…
And yes the 80’s were rough, but they were the age when it really did all being; being gay that is. Those of us that survived had such an easier life than anyone before us. It was the first time you could meaningful think of being free.
And the music was the best in the history of the world. IMHO the two matters are related. The ability to self identify and consider what this meant extended beyond the tiny minority for the first time in human history. No wonder the music was good.
Lady GaGa has proved to be amazingly derivative (like in fact most acts today) ; but she does have an amazing voice.
Sounds to me like someone wants to date someone young. His obsession issues led him to write this article due to all of his let downs in his life. Be happy when and where you grew up. We all have priceless memories growing up.
That’s exactly what I said to a friend of mine lol
“Brace yourself, but a lot of us never went to Studio 54”
What about Paradise Garage?
“If we are over 40 and healthy, it’s more than likely because we’ve been smart in our sexual choices”
I hate to be nit-picky but you’re doing a bit of the same thing here as the people who put ‘clean’ in their internet profiles. It’s an implication that positive people were stupid in their choices. From what I remember of the 1980s, most people felt very lucky if they remained negative.
Good article. I agree.
this 50-something enjoyed your piece! I can especially related to #4,17 especially! My partner and I 17 years – the looks we get when we say we’ll never marry…and kissing fricken rocks!!!
Maybe I’m missing the point of the article, but am I’m I supposed to be concerned about what a 20-something thinks of me? I wouldn’t have even known they have these perceptions that need to be corrected.
16: GaGa doesn’t copy just Madonna. Through David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Elton John, Grace Jones, and a few score more famous musicians of the past century. Which is why GaGa fans get pissed off when people single out Madonna. She draws influence from MANY places, and this is part of why she is amazing. That thing you were saying earlier about being able to learn a thing or to from younger queers? Start with opening your mind to our music because, whether you want to believe it or not, it came from your music.
Out of that whole thing the Gaga part was the only thing you took from that? Lol get a life and have a seat everyone doesn’t like or respect gaga and we see throw her crap.
Yeah as a 42-year-old (who saw Freddie Mercury live), I don’t quite understand why people are obsessed with saying Gaga copies Madonna. The “Born This Way” album cover looks like David Bowie’s “Diamond Dogs” album (when they’re both folded-out), the “Applause” single cover looks like David Bowie’s “Scary Monsters”, etc. And Madonna’s “Material Girl” video is “inspired” by Marilyn Monroe, and Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” video imagery (from the Queen II album cover) is copied from an old Marlene Dietrich photo. The go-to Gaga bashing is just tired.
As a twenty-something gay married to a 40-something gay, I really like this. Slightly sad that the comments above are missing the messages of don’t judge on age, check your prejudices and we’re all the same messed up people in an article that’s obviously meant to be funny. Good job David
That’s it. I’m no longer gay. What tripe this article is (except #13 and #17)
Life begins at 40, folks.
Signed,
A 42 Year Married Gay Man Who Avoids Circuit Parties and Madonna/Lady BlahBlah/ Katy Perry, etc. etc. etc.
I am with you. this guy is a diva worshiping stereotypical poof
Don’t push the stereotype that gays are afraid of facial hair. As far as I’m concerned, beards will NEVER get too long!!
Absolutely. Our beard is part of our true face. Shaving is mere fashion.
Amen… Facial hair rocks when it’s well groomed. A long beard is hot. This is the only one that totally disagreed about.
That’s not what the article said, or did.
Don’t generalize in an effort to feel good about being contrary.
AND your mountain man beard is not fashionable no matter how many of you adopt it, put flowers in it, curl the stache with wax (thankfully that’s less and less), or pretend to be indie when you’re really a hipster.
I dated older guys when I was younger, only to find out most of them were arrested adolescents. I have never been interested in younger guys. My husband is a couple of years older than me. Glad I finally found him. It was difficult to find a likeminded monogamous desiring, bar avoiding, career oriented, mature and somewhat traditional guy – that just happens to be quite handsome. I consider myself lucky every day. Something that the older gays might want to know about the younger gays – Many of them are “post gay” and just want traditional “regular” boring lives.… Read more »
This sounds like it was written by one bitter person. I don’t think this applies to 20-somethings in general. Maybe more like late teens, early 20s.
I had an 18 year old pursuing me for 2 years (until he was 20, obviously). I constantly encouraged him to find a hot 20 year old to start college with and be the cute gay couple on campus. I explained to him that I would feel like I was steeling that opportunity from him, to be with someone that could start university with him, be part of the whole college experience. Then a girl friend of mine pointed out, “if he wants an older guy, he’s gonna go for an older guy. He should have one that treats him… Read more »
I do NOT love Cher, nor even like her. There.
As a 50-year-old gay man, I do have to take exception with #16. I have ALWAYS and STILL despise and hate Madonna and Britney. The only talent they have is marketing themselves with sex. They both sound like goats dying from inhaling too much helium when they sing (with Britney having that added retching/purging sound to accompany said dying goat). Lady Gaga, on the other hand, has something these women do not – TALENT!! She can play several instruments WELL, writes her own songs and produces her own songs. What she does can be considered performance art. Writhing on a… Read more »
….except number 7. The beards are glorious.
… and remember that the freedoms you enjoy, and so often take for granted, today were fought for by the older generation. Some of us were still ‘illegal’ when we were your age!!!