A look at Andrew Smiler’s article “19 Terms for Relationships that Dehumanize Women”, and an attempt to turn those statements around.
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Last week fellow GMP author Andrew Smiler published an article on 19 Terms for Relationships that Dehumanize Women. In the comments I threw out the gauntlet to Andrew to rewrite these sayings so they humanize women. The gauntlet of course hit me right in the face and now this is my attempt to humanize those sayings. (Well played Andrew. Well played.)
I should first mention that none of the statements below are in actual use within our society. I had to make them up or use some of the suggestions posted in Andrew’s comments. It struck me as a bit depressing that we have so many objectifying comments and so few expressions that are humanizing. I don’t expect any of these statements below to make it into common usage but at the very least I can say I thought about it and tried. But most of all—I’d like your thoughts as well. How can we together turn around statements that are negative and dehumanizing, and flip them so they are positive?
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Expressions that promote free choice:
Andrew’s original article is talking about statements which treat women as property, as people who have no free will of their own. I would like to look at the original statements and then turn them around to represent a scenario where the woman has free will and choice.
- Steal someone’s girlfriend = She chose the best man You can’t steal someone, they leave with someone else because she respects, trusts and finds the other man more worthy.
- Do the right things & she’ll be yours = Treat her like an individual and she might want to spend time with you All women aren’t the same, there isn’t a magic formula.
- Win her heart = Engage her heart She isn’t a prize, she is seeking a connection and someone who speaks to her heart and mind.
- Trophy wife = An exceptional partner This was particularly hard, so I treated Trophy not as in something that you put in a display cabinet but as in the representation of an exceptional athlete.
- Take her off the market = She found someone who no other could match Men are also inherently deserving of love so why shouldn’t she be smitten with someone she thinks is perfect for her that no other man can match.
- If you buy a woman a drink then she owes you some type of sexual favor = Can I phone a friend, this is wrong on too many levels to be turned around.
- Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free = I’m seeking like-minded people, I’m only interested in hook-ups This is valid sexual choice as long as it is with consent and without deceit.
- Kept woman = Mistress he dotes on This again is a valid relationship type, once you get over the idea that you don’t “keep” a woman.
Expressions that show respect for partner:
Rather than a series of statements which if used in public would be harsh and critical of your partner I have modified them to be the respectful and mostly truthful versions. With some of the original statements it can depend on who and how they are being said—the statements are not always disrespectful, but I am going to assume these are said in a disrespectful manner and turn them around anyway.
- Treat them mean, keep them keen = I treat her the way I expect to be treated The original statement is a surefire way to hoist a red flag saying you’re a narcissist.
- Old ball and chain = She helps ground and stabilize my life Is she a ball and chain or is he an irresponsible deviant that needs a babysitter? I have never worked that one out.
- Battle axe = No nonsense and direct A strong woman doesn’t mean a scary woman.
- Harpy = She has a keen eye for what’s missing There are unfortunately unpleasant people in the world, that doesn’t mean we need to be disrespectful.
- Bit on the side = Mistress Again a valid relationship status.
- Make an honest woman out of her = Form a committed, exclusive relationship with her I suspect if someone wasn’t honest before you met them they aren’t likely to change because you commit to them. Your wool, your eyes start pulling.
- A lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets = Formal in public, passionate in private The original is crass but I respect people who don’t air their dirty laundry in public yet are completely comfortable with themselves in private.
Expressions that prioritize experience:
I have to agree with Andrew in that I have never understood the fascination with virginity either. My first time was very good but I’m glad it wasn’t the best sex of my life, it would be very disappointing if sex only got worse after your first time.
- Popping someone’s cherry = Introducing her to the intimacy and joy of sex If you think the highlight of your sex life is having sex with a virgin that’s sort of creepy. Intimate sex with a committed partner is far better and more satisfying but yes the first time is scary, cool, awesome and 15 other emotions when you have a caring partner.
- Sloppy seconds = She was passionate with many men If consensual, it’s her choice.
- Leftovers or Experienced = A woman who knows what she is doing or A woman who hasn’t found someone worth committing to yet I really don’t like the original statement and it is completely unrealistic once you hit 25 years old or more
- When you get to heaven, you’ll be rewarded with virgins = When you get to heaven you will be cursed with never sleeping with someone who knows what they are doing It’s a magical place apparently but in the original statement, heaven sounds like hell.
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What do you think? Feel free to disagree or come up with better sayings, I have never said I’m an expert and your phrases could be much cooler.
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Photo credit: (altered) Flickr/Jasonparreira
Why would you want to turn any of these statements around?
In the end it is all about mindset, attitude. And words don’t matter at all if the mindset doesn’t go along or the actions are opposing the words spoken. We have to do the inner work, the inner changes, becoming emotionally intelligent – both, men and women on that. Then the words come with that and everybody finds those words appropriate for his or her mindset.
Re: “Can I phone a friend?”
Try this: “I only drink with my wife.” I would hope that in the majority of cases, by the time two people are ready for marriage, they can communicate effectively with each other even when handicapped by inebriation and their inhibitions are not the only reason they respect each other. So long as those two things are true, lines won’t be crossed even with alcohol involved.
How about a married woman with other men on the side, while her husband is monogamous?
Acceptable?
If you buy a woman a drink then she owes you some type of sexual favor
How about, a woman shouldn’t be granted favours or transactions(?) based on superficial attraction alone?
Or how about don’t assume that all women want your drinks, let alone expect them or wish to trade on their relative attractiveness to procure such things from you. Are these women you’re granting thirst-quenching favors to actually asking for them, or are you just assuming they’re out in public spaces as a way of signaling their eagerness to offer (or withhold) their company for your liquored largesse?
I don’t.
“She chose the best man”
That kind of dehumanizes the guy. Maybe she found a better match.
“If you buy a woman a drink then she owes you some type of sexual favor ”
Maybe something along the lines of you can’t put a price on a woman’s affection.
When guys talk about “leftovers”, they are at least in my experience talking about a guy dating someone his friend used to date. It’s like bros before hoes, a caution that if you proceed down this route it could affect your friendships with the guys.
Thanks John
Maybe something along the lines of
She chose the man right for her.
I must admit leftovers is a term I haven’t heard from my own friends.
In that case the term leftovers still stinks and you have the added bonus of a friend dating an ex where there could be bad feeling between the you and your ex – that can be hard to deal with. So maybe
Friendship breaking relationship with a friends ex.
Maybe I am misreading you John but are you saying it’s okay to refer to another human being as “leftovers”? You are very casual about it. Same goes for your comment about “bros before hoes”. Do you say something to your male friends when they make those kind of statements?
Nice intentions, but things can be a bit more complex sometimes. For example: “Sloppy seconds = She was passionate with many men If consensual, it’s her choice”. Now let´s take the situation of those men that don´t become attractive for the opposite gender until they reach their 30s. That moment women have had enough passion with men and can be interested in a monogamous relationship. But why a man who just reached his peak of attractiveness would be interested is entering a monogamous relationship? Traditional relationships were based in something like “a woman is faithful to a man even when… Read more »
I don’t get your comment at all. Maybe because I’m not American, but many things I read from you guys are sometimes really… odd to my foreign mind. =) “Now let´s take the situation of those men that don´t become attractive for the opposite gender until they reach their 30s. That moment women have had enough passion with men and can be interested in a monogamous relationship. But why a man who just reached his peak of attractiveness would be interested is entering a monogamous relationship?” Why would some men only become attractive after their 30? Why women and men… Read more »
Oh, and what that has to do with the article? 😛
It would be “secondary partner” or even “non-primary partner” in an open/poly relationship, but usually that’s an ongoing status, akin to dating, even if it is purely sexual. More casual ‘extras’ tend to just be “dates”.
Definitely agree that “mistress” is still the best fit here, since it doesn’t necessarily mean cheating – hell, back in the day wives would know about and even sometimes help choose their husband’s mistress(es)! – and it does imply a certain sense of self-determination and awareness on the woman’s part that “bit on the side” denies.
It was pointed out that a mistress is “dating”, if that’s the correct term, a cheating pig. I am personally against relationships where deception is involved but there are open relationships and marriages. If someone has a better term for a mistress where all three parties are aware and consensual please post here and I will adjust the article.
I would say that the term ‘mistress’ is valid, and does not imply deception in and of itself. All it implies is that she is not the primary, or the long-term, partner.
I agree… Mistress simply means that she is not the wife. There is a really good description about the history of the term in “Advice to a Young Wife from An Old Mistress” by Michael Drury. Apparently the origin of the title “Mrs.” was originally a contraction of “Mistress”, which was originally the female form of “Master.” Consequently, while “wives” were property of their husbands, both culturally and legally, mistresses were the “masters” of their own selves — legally and culturally.
In addition… some people have had relationships with mistresses almost as long as , if not longer than they have been married. That used to be (and sometimes still is) the case when marriage was based on making familial, political, and financial alliances rather than the ideal of romantic love. The idea of romantic love being the reason for/ foundation of marriage is a fairly recent one that only became the cultural norm in the 20th century Western society.
I love this.