Let’s talk about rape culture—and second chances.
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I read Brock Turner’s dad’s statement and it made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Don’t get me wrong. I have endless compassion for that sinking feeling in realizing that someone you care for has done something horrible. I can relate to a strong sense of shame. I believe in the ability for people to change their lives for the better and to give back to the community after a crime. I salute those who take responsibility and do so. I believe in second chances.
This dad’s life is never going to be the same either and I feel sad for him, from one parent to another. We all have hopes and dreams for our kids and it sucks when they get in their own way on the road to being good citizens and successful humans.
That being said, so much of this just not okay. I am speaking to the entitlement displayed here today and not to sentence length or judge’s decisions or making statements about what consequences should be meted out or political statements about the justice system in any country in particular.
I’m talking about rape culture.
As a sexual assault survivor, I will say: You don’t get a discount on consequences because something didn’t last as long enough to feel “worth it”—the victim is not rendering services and offered no warranty on his enjoyment of her own victimization.
You are not entitled to “buyer’s remorse.” The customer is not always right, and he was not a customer, he was a looter. Her safety, security, and body are not commodities.
20 minutes can feel like a lifetime when you are hoping something will just be over and her pain didn’t stop there.
20 minutes of action is not what is being paid for.
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It’s a settlement of pennies on the dollar for the lifetime this woman will spend getting over what happened to her and for all women who feel just a little less safe thinking about it. We are all very sorry to hear about Brock’s declining interest in steak, but to be fair, this isn’t the pound of flesh his victim was looking for either and it likely makes her sick to her stomach too.
Rape is not sexual promiscuity – it’s violence and entitlement. It’s not sexual promiscuity any more than shoplifting is excessive spending on too many pairs of shoes. It’s taking something that doesn’t belong to you – a sense of security, confidence, and the ability to be touched without thinking about that thing you wished never happened.
Rape is not “action,” it is destruction. It is a calamity. It is pain. “Getting action” is something you brag about in the locker room with your buddies about your weekend.
Rape is not “action,” it’s a crime.
Brock might not be hungry, but his victim is—for understanding and compassion—and the pantry probably feels pretty barren today.
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Photo: Lillian Vasquez/Flickr
This piece first appeared on Alison’s blog, Sparkly Shoes & Sweat Drops.
And thank you for sharing this!
For anyone that is ‘confused’ or ‘conflicted’ about this incident , if you haven’t already, you need to read the actual victim’s letter. Every. Single. Word. Whereas the victim herself recognizes that two lives where ruined that night, neither Brock or his father appeared to be able to at least give that much, both exclusively focused on how Brock’s life was ruined. Brock deserves to be punished for this. That doesn’t mean he also doesn’t deserve rehabilitation. But he most certainly to pay for his crimes, for his victim to have as much justice as she is able to. This… Read more »
Also…Brock apparently took a picture of the victim’s breast and shared it with his buddies after he raped her. This again goes along with our culture of male entitlement to women’s bodies. Not to even get into the complete pornification of women and their bodies that are apparently up for grabs for any guy with an internet connection.
Let’s look at one other thing. Let’s put aside the fact that the word rape should be used and that the phrasing minimizes victimization. 20 minutes of action still acknowledges Turner was the instigator or at least a willing, active, participant. Contrast that with forced to penetrate another. Penetrate implying that the victim even if unconscious was the person doing the action. You can make excuses as to why the legal term rape can’t be used and yes, I use the term excuses rather than justification because there is no justification in my mind. You can’t excuse why the term… Read more »
A few thought on the article. One Brock Turners life has also been permanently affected. People forget that he has lifetime registration on the sex offenders registry. As a sex offender, there will be lifetime restrictions on where he can live and permanent injunctions as to what jobs he could have. It only happened because the DA didn’t plead the charges down to a non-0sexual offense, which many female perpetrators get. Biases do affect what people perceive to be rape. Do you know what’s not rape? Almost every time a man has been raped by a woman and even some… Read more »
I do not possess that assumed compassion for someone that I care about once they become an animal, but I also do not subscribe to the extremism that will do no good in solving the problem. I yield my 12:15 to the esteemed lady from the sate of Ifeminism.
https://youtu.be/v3_ty5jKkX0
DJ – That was a GREAT video! She summed it up perfectly.
Right?
I’m conflicted about the father, because I know parents who have gone to great lengths to protect their children from the consequences of their actions: defending their kid even when they felt it was wrong, denying what they knew to be true, using influence or wealth to go behind the legal system and have charges reduced or dropped. And I don’t doubt that some of them considered it an act of love, if a sordid one. “Conflicted” may be the best we can do in some circumstances, it seems. Like you, I can’t help but feel some sympathy for his… Read more »
I’ll second that D, conflicted is really the best we can do. Animals deserve compassion, and we are animals too, regardless of how we behave. Parents are often fierce and savage protectors of their young… and they’re applauded for it if their young is in danger of being eaten by a bear, but not if they’re in danger of the brutalization and ostracization of their peers and greater community? The why doesn’t belong in the conversation. It doesn’t matter what the kid did, how old he is, whether you think he should know better, or whether his father thinks he… Read more »
D It’s not just wealth. How many poor people know a crime has been committed, but decide that their loyalty to the criminal our weighs the victim’s right for justice? There are a lot of people who look away. There are a lot of people who won’t turn someone in to the police. There are a lot of people who rationalize. I have even been guilty of that. I told the story once of being in a situation where we (I and 2 other male friends) were in a situation where we knew another former male friend (He ran afoul… Read more »