Yesterday I happened upon Lisa Belkin’s year end list of parenting trends for 2013. I have enormous respect for Lisa after her decades of reporting at the New York Times and now as a senior columnist at the parenting section at Huffington Post. I generally pay close attention to what she right since it sets the national agenda for parenting issues. And to be fair she has written extensively about dads in the past. So I would like to make friends with her.
But when I read her summary piece, I was shocked: Work/family balance exclusively from a mom’s perspective; places to live and famous babies from a mom’s perspective; mommy-shaming and anti-mommy-shaming; mommys breastfeeding in public; moms will exert their political power…dads are not even mentioned in the first 11 of the 13 biggest trends in parenting, according to the national expert on parenting.
Then we get to #12. “Dads will stay in the picture” is the title.
The conclusion? “All the talk about fathers will continue to feel that way—getting closer, but not there yet.”
♦◊♦
As much as I found this list deeply problematic for dads, I do respect Lisa and approached her as the respected voice that she is. She was kind enough to respond to my twitter questions and our conversation quickly spilled over onto email. In the end she came down on the side of the primacy of moms in the world of parenting.
I actually asked Lisa if she wanted to write another list about Dads for us but she declined, so with no further delay here is my list of 20 reasons Dads mattered in 2012, will matter in 2013 and beyond. If you happen to like any part of this list I would appreciate it if you could tweet it out with the hashtag #DadsMatter and include @LisaBelkin in your tweet so maybe next year she think a little more about the role of dads.
Each item is a story, so click through to what you can relate to.
- Every kid (and adult) has a dad
- Dads are staying at home in record numbers
- Dads know something about raising boys
- Dads get divorced and still want to be good fathers
- Dads are gay
- Dads want to end rape
- Dads fight against sex trafficking
- Dads suffer from depression (post-partum and otherwise)
- Dads care about abortion
- Dads feel the pain of infertility
- Dads talk to their sons
- Dads talk to their daughters
- Dads lose a child
- Dads lose their child’s mom
- Dads go to prison (and sometimes change for the better)
- Dads go to war (or to cover wars)
- Some dads blow dry their son’s hair
- Dads like to cuddle
- Dads are beautiful
- Dads love moms
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Lead Photo: Matt and Alexandra, by Randy Schroeder photography
Dave Sanfacon with his twins.
*This piece has been slightly edited after publishing.
Why homosexuals should not be parents see the following:
https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/kansas-sues-sperm-donor-for-child-support-news/
Taxpayers should not be asked to pick up the tab if the gay couple’s relationship goes bad and the biological mother seeks welfare for the child. A financially capable sperm donor should not be passing his financial obligation on to the taxpayer. After all didn’t the sperm donor get paid for his “donation”?
I think some commenters missed the point of the list here. The list was “20 Reasons Dads Matter,” NOT 20 examples of perfect dads. “Matter” means “are significant,” and in the context of this article, can be extrapolated to “are as significant as Moms.” What appalled me about the HuffPo article, and what is somewhat alluded to here, is that the author of that article equated PARENT with MOM. She set out to talk about parenting trends, but then focused almost entirely on Momming trends. I’m not a parent and have no intention to ever become one, but I gnash… Read more »
Sorry, I clicked the wrong reply button, this wasn’t supposed to be a reply to your comment about the Kansas case.
I couldn’t agree with you more. Fathers are routinely marginalized. That is wrong. The problem is that the author here makes a list of “why Dads matter” and to each entry on the list he has a link to an article about a Dad or something having to do with Dads and the reason why the listed entry makes Dads matter. One reason he has is that “Dads are Gay” and it is linked to a story about a Dad who lived a lie, lied to his wife, his children and the world and then decided he didn’t want to… Read more »
CTCD: Your responses, in my opinion, reflect your disdain for anything different than the religious norm of family. By putting in phrases/backhanded compliments like “They are less than the ideal, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad.” when referring to gay parents, you do the very thing that you claim to have gotten from this article: be offensive. Love is love. Period. You nor I should have the ability to say what is “the right kind” of love. Love just is. Would your rationale apply to blended families as well? I have two step daughters that I love unequivocably,… Read more »
Doug, you are wrong. I don’t have disdain for “anything different”. To the extent that your stepchildren and your wife’s stepchildren don’t have a relationship with a biological parent it is not ideal. I don’t know what is wrong with the absent biological parent, but you.re not suggesting that if the missing biological parent were capable of being a fully involved and invested parent they shouldn’t have a fully involved and invested relationship with their biological children, are you?. In your case do your children have as complete a relationship with their biological mother as they do with you and… Read more »
CTCD: I never said the other biological parents don’t have a reltionship with our kids; in point of fact, they do. There are custody agreements in place, and for the most part, time is equally shared. You simply assumed that was the case to try to bolster your argument. I do not disagree that a biological parent who is able to be a part of their kids life should do so, but what you stating is that the absolue apex of appropriate parenthood is the two biological parents and the kids being one single family. To do so dimisses the… Read more »
I am not saying there is only one way. I am saying there is only one best way. I am glad to hear that your children have a relationship with their biological parents, I hope it is a good one. I am also sorry you didn’t have a good relationship with your biological father, but wouldn’t it have been better if you did? There are not absolutes. All I am saying is there are degrees of perfection. The perfect family model is in my view one biological female mother married and committed to one biological male father. If you were… Read more »
Sadly, your “facts” are ascertained from studies that are christian-based and strive to keep the nuclear family as the “ideal” so their beliefs are perpetuated. Your use of the word “perfect” in relation to 2 biological parents with the child(ren) belies that your core beliefs are in that vein. I could certainly be incorrect, but years of being on the outside of that mindset/belief system, I’m fairly well-versed in the double speak used. I’d say you should read a book called “Sex After Dawn”, which speaks to how before agriculture and religion came along, villages raised children, not individual parents.… Read more »
You’re entitled to your opinion. You are wrong about the studies being “[C]hristian based”. There are similar studies that have come out of Jewish and Islamic institutions. Beyond that, human experience tells us that two biological committed parents is the best model. Are you suggesting that some artificial construct of non-biological parents is better than two biological parents working together in a responsible manner to raise genetically related children. Yes, we evolved from a communal society to a more individualistic one that receives support in a superficial way from the community at large. I think that reflects human advancement not… Read more »
There is diversity as to who dad’s are in 2012. I think it was mentioned that each of us could easily have our own list and I’d like to add, a story that goes behind each listed on the list. If we were all to add to the list, it would be endless. It is sad though, not long ago, the list would be much smaller and more common between us.
Here’s my list: Dad’s who get up and go off to work before dawn and come home from work after dark Dad’s who sacrifice their own careers to stay home and raise their children because their wives/mothers of their children are driven careerists and if the Dad insisted that his career should take priority over hers the stability of the family would be in jeopardy Dads married to the mother of his children Dads who take their children to church or synagogue Dads who are honest and do the right thing Dads who are committed to their marriages, their wives… Read more »
What bothers me most about Lisa’s type is, while she’s so willing to exclude, or marginalize dads in this article, I’m sure she will inevitably come down on the side of blaming fatherlessness 100% on fathers themselves, not realizing how her own marginalization of fathers plays a part, both in fathers giving up, and in mothers deciding the father isn’t required and cutting them out. Sure, she may have good things to say about fathers who are around, but that doesn’t means she doesn’t see that as some kind of superfluous bonus.
Any respectable and responsible dad should get recognition, gay or otherwise, but the dad that is referenced in the link is neither. There are plenty of gay dads who have adopted children and are good father’s. Instead you link to a Gay father who lied to his wife and children and probably forever impaired his childrens’ ability to trust which will be carried on in any relationship they have. You tend to give gay fathers, regardless of how responsible they are special recognition and I find it offensive. I believe the ideal environment for children is one responsible and committed… Read more »
CTCD: You are entitled to your opinion. I don’t agree with your assessment of the ideal environment. I believe two loving parents of any gender are the goal, one way too many kids don’t have.
Kids don’t have the ideal because too many people act irresponsibly. Irresponsibility should not be rewarded, accommodated or compensated for. The problem with a gay couple (and to the extent it can be avoided children should not be compelled to live in single parent households regardless of the sexual orientation) is that the child eventually grows to understand that to one of his parents he has no biological connection and I believe biology plays a bigger role in a person’s development than is generally acknowledged. I have 2 teenagers of my own and they can be down right cruel when… Read more »
So in this worldview, should a step-parent ever be elevated to the same level as the biological parent in the eyes of society and public policy? This model you present of “Allow alternatives to the ideal but don’t condone them” leaves a LOT of wiggle room. In theory, sure, promoting the ideal while brushing aside (but permitting) the alternatives is swell, but in practice, it means capable parents will have rights and resources denied to them that other capable parents are afforded, simply on the basis of sexual orientation (technically, on the basis of biological link to child, which can… Read more »
A step parent should never be elevated to the same level as a competent, committed, responsible, loving, fully invested biological parent with a custodial right. Its not a matter of allowing alternatives while not condoning them, it is a matter of promoting what is the best model for childrearing and the public policy reflecting that preference. If we haven’t already realized it, we soon will, but our public resources are extremely limited and thus the reach of those resources should be dedicated to the ideal– ie one competent, committed, fully invested, responsible biological female, mother legally married to one competent,… Read more »
Ok “Dads are Gay” should not be on this list. The link brings you to a story about a child who clearly will suffer trust issues for the remainder of her life because her father lied to her mother from the day they met. This is a good thing? Dads don’t do that, not good ones anyway. That dad is an SOB whose more concerned about his own personal happiness as opposed to his child. And we wonder why people spray high powered gun fire into classrooms. That Gay dad is not a good and I am sure there are… Read more »
CTCD: the list is just a bunch of individual dads and stories that moved me. Any dad has their own list I am sure. But I will say that an issue that I care about a lot is that we talk more about how gay dads should be given full rights and respected as full equals as parents and fathers. Do you disagree with that?
How, exactly, would me being a father “diminish” your fatherhood? Could you explain in specific terms for me?
My children know who their biological mother and father are. They need not burden themselves with wondering who brought them into being, nor do they need to wonder why they were abandoned by a biological parent or why a biological parent chose not to be a fully engaged parent to them. Equating me with a gay parent diminishes the significance of that truth. You may have fathered a child, but you did not father that child with the man you share your life with, you fathered the child with maybe somebody you know, maybe not, I don’t know, but the… Read more »
CTCD, I didn’t follow the links, but if the story you’re talking about included a gay dad who mislead his family about being gay, I agree the secret life thing is problematic. I think the stuff about the ideal being two biological parents of opposite gender is horseshit. That’s one combo that has worked for many people, and I don’t have a problem with it, but you’re over-stating the importance of the genetic connection. Gametes (sperm or ova) are necessary ingredients to produce life, but providing the gametes does not make one a parent in the Mom and Dad sense.… Read more »
the secret life thing is problematic Glad to hear you think the secret life thing is problematic. You have missed my point entirely. I believe the ideal family model is two biological committed parents of opposite gender. That is not to say that other models can’t parent excellently. However, there is much debate in the scientific community as to the extent biology plays in forming who we are. I come down on the side that it contributes about 50%. Which means that in families where parents are not the biological parents 50% of that child’s physical, emotional and intellectual make… Read more »
You’re confusing disagreement with not understanding your point. You could tip the scales from nurture toward nature as much as you want, but that still doesn’t change my mind about what “real parent” means. DNA may make my kids’ eyes blue or give them Down’s Syndrome, but it doesn’t tell them who to call “Daddy”. The bit about people spending their lives trying to figure out who they are isn’t persuasive, because that applies to so many people regardless of having genetic ties to their parents or not.
Obviously I will not convince you. DNA does more than make your kids eyes blue. Who your kids call Daddy can be changed by the issuance of a court order- that doesn’t necessarily mean you are not their father. No court can change the genetic connection to your child. I understand your point that if you act as a parent to your child–you are there to guide them, provide for them, educate them, feed them, clothe them, teach them, love them etc you are acting in what the Court’s call “in loco parentis” and thus their parents for practical reasons,… Read more »
You overstate the weight which courts give to genetic relationships. Yes, they’re weighed according to circumstances, but courts don’t rip children out of stable adoptive families or donor-recipient families and return them to their “real” (i.e., biological, by your definition) parents. In donor situations, in fact, there are detailed contracts spelling out who does or doesn’t have legal guardianship, duties, or rights of parenthood to the child. Besides protecting parents from a donor later coming to try to “claim” a child as theirs, it also protects donors, so for example, a sperm donor can’t be sued for paternity, or if… Read more »
In your scenario number 1 there is a genetic connection between the child and one parent and I differentiate that in my post. As to the weight given by courts to biological parents I am well familiar with it in as much as I have represented foster children in custody battles between biological parent(s) and parents seeking to adopt the foster care children. More times than I would like to report the Courts have awarded custody to biological parent(s) who have extensive drug abuse and criminal histories over stable adoptive families. I am not saying that in the absence of… Read more »
“a sperm donor can’t be sued for paternity”
REALLY?!?!?!
Let me refer you to an article that appears in this very blog about the State of Kansas suing a sperm donor for child support. Wrong again!!!
Just in case you missed it here’s the link.
https://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/kansas-sues-sperm-donor-for-child-support-news/
Sorry, but all I’m reading here is an elaborate rationalization as to why gay parents are “less-than”. I love my niece. If my sister died and I needed to take over legal guardianship of her, I would, and I would love her no less than I would love my own daughter. Love is what defines a parent. There are plenty of parental figures in this world who have no biological relationship to the children they’ve raised and, if anything, they should be lauded for their willingness to care for a child out of sheer love, having no “biological imperative” to… Read more »
Agreed, completely.
They are less than the ideal, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad. All I am saying is they should not be put on the same plane as a stable commiitted biological female mother married to a stable, committed biological male father, that being the ideal family. Because of the unwillingness of too many people to take responsibilty for their actions many children are born that are not wanted by one or both of their biological parents and in those instances– which are far too many– loving, stable, committed substitutes are needed and wanted. A gay couple may fulfill… Read more »
What bothers me is the author above says “Dads are gay” when in fact generally they are not. And to put that on a list of “Why Dads matter” is offensive to me. If anything it places “gay” who are in fact in the minority in the extreme above heterosexual dads, particularly in light the story of the gay dad entry is linked to. I guess the question I have is why do “gay dads” matter more than heterosexual dads who outnumber gays dads probably by a factor of 50 to 1 (or more).
@shawn fair point though obviously biologically everyone has a dad that doesn’t mean they are a big role in their lives…
You’re wasting your breath. She’s the type that believes equality is about empowering one side just because it’s the disadvantaged side. These people seriously think this is the solution social injustice. Any time you hear a so called activist speak from the side of women only instead of adopting a “both sides should be equal” tone, you know you’re dealing with an agenda. She didn’t write the article to promote women, she wrote it to denigrate men. Just wait for the “I don’t hate men!” denial.
There is a cycle there, you’re right. She’s featured positive stories about dads and had a bunch of dads write on the blog, and thank god, the HP section is called “Parenting” and not “Huffington Post Mommy,” but maybe she doesn’t realize just how influential she is. Quite often, what she writes about becomes the discussion, so if she writes about motherhood 90% of the time, and 90% of the guest posts are written by moms, motherhood will be the topic.
In response to your first point: Not every person has a dad, everyone may have a biological father but that doesn’t necessarily mean that every individual has a ‘dad’ figure in their life. Think: single moms who have absolutely no ties to the childs biological father, those kids may have other people step into that ‘dad’ role but many won’t. Think: Lesbians, children born or adopted into lesbian families have biological fathers, but they won’t have dads. And this is okay, just like children born or adopted into gay families won’t have moms.
Just wanted to point that out.
Great point!! Don’t you wish we all came with an instruction booklet on how to be a great dad?? Being a dad, granpa, etc. , it’s taken alot of practice, but still learning..
Very well written. Baffles me that in today’s world there is still a debate over the relevance of dads. My husband is incredibly hands on with the raising of our daughter. We even split the parental leave when she was 8 months old. He stayed home with her for an additional 8 months. She is just as comfortable spending time with him as she is with me. He is as much a part of her daily world as I am, hands down.
Love it. So true. Dads are on the verge of extinction, and making good fathers like ourselves more and more rare