Neely Steinberg loves men. Below, she shares a list of qualities, actions, and moments that remind her why.
Recently I wrote an article for the Good Men Project about hook-up culture, in which Hugo Schwyzer and I disagreed about the effects of casual sex. It gained the attention of Susan Walsh, author of the blog Hooking Up Smart. She wrote a post about our contrasting opinions, and offered her thoughts as well. The comments section within her post grew quickly—as of today there are more than 1,000 responses. Reading through the feedback, I was struck by the disillusionment and disappointment among men with the content on the Good Men Project, a site whose very purpose is to bring issues of modern manhood to the forefront of national discussion.
One commenter on Walsh’s site wrote: “…the good men project inevitably implies that men are not basically good by default, but work has to be put in to making them that way, or in finding the exceptions who are.” Others agreed with the general sentiment that many of this site’s articles unfairly start with the basic premise that something is inherently wrong with men and men thus need to be socially engineered to become, well, good.
It was with this unfortunate perception in mind that I set out to create a list of things that I love about men. Pure and simple. No talk of feminism or slut shaming or gender depictions in the media or rape culture here—just an unadulterated tribute to men, a panegyric, a compilation of reasons to be thankful for the male species, in ways both big and small, superficial and profound, personal and professional. They are in no particular order, the creation of my stream of consciousness. I could have gone on for hours, but it’s my hope that you, Good Men Project readers, will add to this list, so that anyone who visits this site will see how much we appreciate and adore men and what they bring to our lives and the world. We can return to the heavier debates tomorrow. For now, let’s have a Kumbaya moment. Leave your reasons in the comments section, and let’s see what we can come up with together!
Here are mine:
- I love when a man puts his hand on the small of a woman’s lower back, as if to say, I’m here for you if you need me.
- I love when a man wipes away a woman’s tears or pushes a strand of her hair away from her face, tucking it lovingly behind her ear.
- I love how millions of men go off to work every day and then come home after long work hours to share in the housework and child-rearing.
- I love how men contribute hundreds of millions of dollars every year to charities in the U.S. and across the globe.
- I love when a man makes us feel like women.
- I love when a man waits patiently inside an elevator to let all the ladies out first.
- I love how a man who would go to the ends of the earth for a woman he loves.
- I love how a man who will rub his partner’s feet at the end of the day even though he’s had a hard day at work too.
- I love the men who so bravely and willingly risk their lives in service to our country and to protect us all.
- I love being Little Spoon.
- I love the way a man looks into his child’s eyes and loses himself.
- I love that men’s various discoveries throughout the ages (scientific, mathematical, medical, etc.) have made our lives easier.
- I love the way a man runs into the ocean like maniac.
- I love the shape of a man’s big, strong back when he leans over to pick up something heavy.
- I love when a man knows what to say and what not to say to make a woman happy.
- I love when a man tells a woman how lucky he is to have found her.
- I love the way a man takes a woman’s delicate hand, brings it to his lips, and kisses it gently, showing how much he adores her.
- I love when a man chows down on his food, as if only a 9.0 Richter Scale earthquake could shake him from his glorious feast.
- I love how a man in love thinks of his partner’s sexual pleasure before his own.
- I love a man who will do the jobs that most of us would never consider. Sewer inspector, anyone?
What do you have to add?
About Neely Steinberg
Vocalyze
Sorry, conniving female supremacist, but the whole “I know what this may seem like to you” isn’t made up for by telling us that you love it when we slave for you.
Jack,
The greatest leader is the one who is the greatest server.
None of this said anything about being sub-servant to woman. If you serve your woman well, a good woman will see you as a leader in your relationship and will serve you back, in turn making herself a leader in your relationship.
A good relationship is composed of two individuals who both serve and lead one another.
kckrupp
Great. Now copy that list and change the sexes. Show it to women and tell me if you were capable of finding a single one who didn’t vomit, then went on about how offensive it was describing her like a Stepford housewife.
Sorry, but the hidden motives of this feminist site is obvious. You wanted equality, yet pushed a purely gynocentric view of the genders, making women turn every little thing as victimizing of women. Mutual worship is no longer possible because of you. Only cordial respect, which ebbs very fast. But you have a bullet-proof answer to everything – blame the men. Well, much to your delight, boys have been miserably failing at school for decades and no one said a word in fear of offending modern women(oh look, an avenue of power that isn’t about the puppet president) and soon enough you’ll get your classist society. Because of course women will not share their wealth with men as men have shared with them(women control 80% of spending.) So the new right wing party in a couple decades will be mostly women and they’ll make the new traditionalism: feminism. The blaming of men for any problems. This won’t last long before a revolt because women forgot to shatter the glass floor they’re so privileged to enjoy – the horrific jobs. Good luck.
I would have been fine with true equality over pre-60′s gender roles, btw. But you all based your outlooks on hate and are stammering now to figure what is it that has shattered male confidence. Since your ideology is hatred, you go back to your comfortable base that men are to blame and women did nothing wrong. Your children will curse you.
Jack,
I am thoroughly against blaming the men and have gotten into many major arguments and disagreements with feminist friends of mine over this issue. I think it’s great to be a man and that men should celebrate the things that make them men. I don’t know where you came to that conclusion that I’m speaking from a place of hate.
Did what you said regarding switching genders and showed it to my fiance: she loved it. Showed it to another female friend and she loved it as well.
It seems pretty clear from the reply that there is no room left in your heart for any sort of conversation or discussion. I find hate from either side unfortunate and appalling.
Best of luck.
You forgot:
“I love it when you accept both equality and chivalry to fulfill a woman’s need to feel superior”
“I love it that you don’t retaliate much when said woman dumps you because she turned you into a doormat and therefore feels degraded being with you which doesn’t satisfy a woman’s need to respect her lover.”
“I love it when you tolerate women blaming their loneliness on their being no good men any more.”
“I love it when you don’t respond to them that these men were raised by women who taught them that there’s something inherently rotten within them, motivated by young women to be a-holes, viewed as not-as-young-women as nothing more than sperm donors and wallets, then blamed by all women for everything.”
*there(being no good men) *anymore
“OK, here’s the idea behind the website. If you massage a man’s ego, you can get him to do anything. So we plant a couple pro-men articles. Let’s use that patsy – Matlack. Then, we flood the articles with the subtext that women are perfect in every way(except when men MAKE them otherwise) and all men have impure blood. We’ll do this by painting a model of what they should be like in order to evolve from their sub-human state. I know what you’re thinking. Feminists yell sexism when women are accused of being deceitful. Well that’s just it – you get to behave badly if you accuse people who call you on it as being hateful. This is how we pulled off the scam of painting the 2 female-specific words that mean “cruel” as offensive while there are way more such words assigned for men. Just pull the patriarchy card as your last resort. Look, we’re headed towards a difficult time. Men will soon realize that the glass ceiling benefited almost no men and shattering it will benefit almost no women. The danger is that they might notice that a huge amount of women have enjoyed the privilege of the glass floor – the horrible jobs. If you think that’s all the ego massaging we need to make up for, think again. Men might also realize that the politicians serve the voters(mostly women) and the corporations serve the consumers(mostly women) and television serves the viewers(mostly women) and especially the advertisers which serve consumers(mostly women.) So try not to use that card too often. Seriously, this site better work out or we might be subjugated to the horrific fate of equality.”
Wow… I’m suprised to see this reaction. This is just her opinion of things she loves. It doesn’t mean that all men need to behave this way in order to be loved, but honestly, it’s nice when the man you love does these things for you and I think a lot of men would say the same for things they love about women. Who doesn’t like feeling special and loved?
Wow… I’m suprised to see this reaction.
So am I Caitlin, some people will look for the dark in everything.
Caitlin, the negative commenters are new to GMP too, so who knows their agenda.
What does that feel like? Probably not possible to explain it I guess.
Obvious feminist agenda is obvious. No one is buying you trying to hide that the man she described she loves is a doormat’s doormat. If that list were shown to women as “what I love about women” they’d scream sexism as usual.
Just pain and loss of trust issues. This is a nice list, but I too am unmoved anymore.
@ Caitlyn,
It’s interesting. I and others have spewed (seemingly righteous to us) anger over Hugo’s man-blaming articles.
Now a contributor writes a male positive article (I understand there can be some quibbles about her list) and some are still mad. While I agree that feminism is totally messed up (as some have stated) and the practice of removing dads from families is awful this just isn’t the article those comments should be posted on.
It reminds me of the Monty Python movie Life Of Brian in “Alms for an ex-leper”.
There’s no pleasing some people.
ht tp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U74s8nFE7No
There are only two items on that list that do not describe mens’ utility to women (her) or society. Jamming down your supper and running maniacally into the ocean. Even those are just primitive behaviours for her personal amusement.
I wish so many of Neely’s compliments were not phrased in such a blatantly heteronormative way, it seems to me the word “partner” could be substituted for “woman” without any loss of profundity.
That being said, I guess Neely is creating a personal list as a (presumed) heterosexual.
Either way the idea is lovely, and I would like to add, as there are many things about men I believe valuable outside their relationship with a significant other.
I love the way a great male friend will look at you and make you understand deeply that they will do anything for you.
I love the way a man under stress can set his jaw and bear pain.
I love how men in competition (sports or whatever) look at each other with a combination of total determination to win and mutual respect.
I love how men find humor in all situations, whether or not it’s tasteful or suitable.
I love small male-specific greetings, like the up or down nod, and how men unconsciously know what is appropriate.
I love how quickly and easily men transition from deadly serious to silly and ridiculous.
I love men’s fearlessness.
There are so many more, these just happened to immediately come to mind.
Point taken and brilliant list!
Neely
http://twitter.com/neelysteinberg
Don’t you love it that a man has broad shoulders for you to ride on at a concert?
I love that a man’s physique is different. Bigger, broader, etc., perhaps not to carry women around at concerts (spidaman3
) or to pick up heavy things, but because it’s just damn sexy.
I love that men approach and solve problems differently.
I love that men relate to each other in a different way than women do.
I love that men speak to their children (or the children in their lives) with different perspective.
YES!
Neely
http://twitter.com/neelysteinberg
Charming *and* beautiful….
I love how men put so much investment into their passions and hobbies.
I love how men react to things that are cute, like videos of baby animals.
I love the nonverbal, hardly noticeable but inherently meaningful communication that happens between men who know each other well.
I love seeing men be good friends to each other, and to women.
I love how men act on their instinct to protect themselves and others.
I love the sound of men singing a capella. I especially love old Gregorian chants.
I love how men over the span of history have expressed their unique genius through literature, poetry, art, music, and science.
I love when a man bonds with his pet or an animal under his care or study.
I love that men are typically not afraid to get their hands dirty in the name of a good cause, or good fun.
I love that men will almost always say yes when asked to help you move something heavy.
Oh, one more. I love that men can grow beards. I am a big fan of facial hair.
I videotape myself *putting* baby animals in my beard while I’m getting my hands dirty working on my hobbies.
See now this is what the guys are getting at. This is finding things about men that are about men, not about how men are good to women. Well done! These are luscious, BTW.
@KKZ
This is a wonderful list. Thank you!
Neely
So many “good” things about men, impossible even to try to mention them all — doting, responsible and sometimes even playful, funny dad is awfully nice; man relaxing at home in comfy chair is very nice, too. From beard stubble to big feet , the list of masculine delights is endless!
hmm… i like the idea of this list (although not so much the reason for why it needed to be written and some of the follow up comments).
im not feeling inspired to add any, but i will say this:
as a woman, there are sooo many reason why it’s easy to ‘hate’ men. and try as you might, there are many things you’ll never have to experience or have to live with.
that being said, for all the reasons (large, small, societal and otherwise) to hate – there are so so many reasons to love you. i dare say that the love of man is an underlying root of what moves many women (NOT ALL WOMEN). we may not tell you enough, but there it is.
i’m definitely will use this a fodder for a future post!
Memo to modern-feminists(all of the people behind this site and the majority of its readers) – your snake oil salesman tactics to “package” this site as something other than feminist propaganda is sleazy and obvious.
1. I love men who stand up for women.
2. I love men who show care but also let women be independent and strong.
3. I love men who love strong women.
4. I love men when they cry, because it shows that they feel emotions too.
5. I love men who are tall, short, bald, hairy, have big eyes, have small eyes, wear goggles, wear specs, have a good sense of humor, have a bad sense of humor, have strange feet, have cute feet, have soft hands, have tough, big hands, have soft voice, have deep voice. In short, I love all men who come in different shapes and sizes, provided they let me feel like a woman.
Nisha says:
“2. I love men who show care but also let women be independent and strong”
If somebody is “letting” you (as in generic you, not you personally) be independent and strong, then something is wrong.
I think one mark of a real ‘man’ is the one who is integral and centered in who he is and who gives his gift not only to his woman, but to the world. But still, knows how to make his woman feel as though she’s the only person in the room amidst the crowd.
Thanks Neely, that was awesome!
“hmm… i like the idea of this list (although not so much the reason for why it needed to be written and some of the follow up comments).
im not feeling inspired to add any, but i will say this:
as a woman, there are sooo many reason why it’s easy to ‘hate’ men. and try as you might, there are many things you’ll never have to experience or have to live with.
that being said, for all the reasons (large, small, societal and otherwise) to hate – there are so so many reasons to love you. i dare say that the love of man is an underlying root of what moves many women (NOT ALL WOMEN). we may not tell you enough, but there it is.
i’m definitely will use this a fodder for a future post!”
Yes, that was all very uplifting, man-hater, back to your cats now.
^^^ WHAT??
“Yes, that was all very uplifting, man-hater, back to your cats now.”
Yes, because saying anything remotely critical about a man means we hate men. And WE are the sensitive ones. *Jadakiss laugh*
Oh, and looks like the “Feminist haters that don’t even really know what feminism is” bunch is back in town! Lemme get my welcome jello mold… -_-
Hi Neely:
Nothing you list seems bounded by gender. This seems less about what one might admire about men than it is what one might admire about any loving, caring, well-adjusted human being. So what? I can substitute the word “women” everywhere you’ve written “men” and have a list of attractive, human behaviors. Stepping back from male bashing for a moment to concede that men are human seems less than any admiration for “the male species.” You’ll garner lots of Replies, but try to refrain from believing you’ve said anything that needs saying.
This one is way more male specific “I love the shape of a man’s big, strong back when he leans over to pick up something heavy.”
Well it doesn’t take much tweaking to amke it apply to a woman, does it?
“I like the shape of a woman’s big, strong butt when she leans over to pick up something.”
Think of how women’s lives would change if they really heard that enough to start believing it.
What a sweet perfectly acceptable post.
For 50 years ago,pre-feminism.
I love a woman who stands by her man through thick and thin.
She does not constantly seek the bigger better deal (hypergamy=%90 of women today)
She actually knows love takes work and concessions from both sides,and is willing to stay through the bad times as well as the good times.
She sees men as more than a transient resource to be exploited.
She is willing to unclog that toilet herself when he is tired after having “worked long hours for her.”
In other words, it’s a two way street.
“The love you take is EQUAL to the love you make.”
-Paul McCartney-
Men as sewer inspectors?
Is that the same as saying ‘I’m treating him like crap and he keeps giving?”
Dear Neely,
As a woman, as the mother of a young adult son and daughter, as a wife, as an aspiring academic grappling with notions of fathering, masculinities and gender relations, and as a human being, I both appreciate your post and can understand the cynical reactions to it.
As I try to understand your supporters and critics, I ask myself “what are the triggers for the cynics”? I chalk it up to a legacy of unequal and unrealistic gender relations. It appears that bringing the emotional capacities of men to center stage is problematic. We have been taught that the good “sturdy oak” will bear the brunt of all difficulties and “just suck it up” and that he will shield his woman and family from all evil. The flip side of the story is that the guy who can’t (through no fault of his own) live up to that expectation is a failure and unworthy. An alternate view is that women can’t (or don’t) have the same capacity to suck it up, shield and protect and that they shouldn’t.
We all buy into this story. Men who strive to achieve that standard, women who expect men to achieve that standard, the children we raise who watch this in motion and who are constructing a sense of themselves. We absorb these ideas, build fantasies around these ideas and then are thoroughly disappointed by the failure of any one human being to be able to fulfill these ideals.
The discomfort generated from a post as yours probably comes from our own discomfort in viewing men as having the same range of emotions as women. Is it possible that emotions and feelings are gendered? Do we believe that one is capable of feeling particular things because of their gender?
Is it possible that, as many responders have said, these qualities that are possible and admirable in all human beings? The capacity to love and show love, to empathize and demonstrate empathy, to desire to provide care are capacities that we can all share as human beings.
How do we bring the lives of men into center stage without undermining the lives of women? How do we appreciate both genders without undercutting either?
I love the tall men who get things off high shelves for me at the store.
I love men who are good fathers, sons, uncles and brothers.
I love men who are not afraid to love others.
I love the rough hands of a man who uses them to earn his living.
My hope for the hurt men, the ones who have been scarred by loves past, can learn to leave their bitterness behind and open their hearts again, because you deserve to be loved and there’s someone out there just waiting for you to be open to let love in again!